All the News That Isn’t 5-31-11

Posted May 31, 2011 by mefeld
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5-31-11

Oprah’s riderless horse paraded down Pennsylvania Avenue.

A scene right out of Thriller when Michael Jackson turns up on Oprah’s last show.

This time the audience found Oprah under their seats.

Oprah went straight to her bucket list–a bucket of macaroni.

In other news-

Highlight of the European vacation was the Obamas moving in with that German couple they thought they were related to. Oh, wait, that was the Griswolds.

Well, then, the highlight would have to be beer pong with Cameron.
Or, when the President thought he was stroking the Queen’s corgi.

Chrysler pays back loans still no word from Plymouth.

Mars rover and Tiger Woods both end their careers in sand trap.

Limbaugh ratings dropping faster than the pounds.

Debt ceiling collapses on House, congressman-sniffing dogs sent in.

Paulie Ryan’s rejected Path to Prosperity reintroduced as Road to Ruin.

Somebody should dress Paulie Ryan up like an old man and stick him in the ER.

Sarah Palin–the bus to nowhere.

Doomsday prophet now says it’s a lawn chair and helium balloons in October or bust.

Tressel tied to trestle.
The Buckeye don’t fall too far from the tree.

War criminal Ratko Mladic discovered through his Tiffany account.

Patriot Act passes but Euphemism Act stalled.

House republicans admit they have to do a better job selling the Final Solution.

Steve Jobs releases iCloud from heaven.

Wisconsin’s governor Walker says concealed weapons will work as voter ID.

And, in Hangover III, they wake up on the floor of Congress . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t

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All the News That Isn’t

Posted May 23, 2011 by mefeld
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May 23, 2011

Devil may care WI governor Walker raptures anyway causing extensive damage to state capitol in ascent.

Rapture failure causing concern over which structures may have been built by 89 year old civil engineer Harold Campling.

Hedging his bets Stephen Hawking says if there is a heaven he qualifies for pre-boarding.

President Obama demands democratic reform in Syria, Libya, Tunisia, Yemen and Wisconsin.

Mr. Obama says in exchange for Israel going back to 1967 borders the US will go back to its 1803 borders and give back all the stuff Lewis & Clark stole.

For some reason Israel’s 1967 border made a strong impression on 6 year old Barry Obama.

First new Arnold Schwarzenegger film will be “Sperminator.”

Frustrated PlayStation shooters take to street with joysticks.

Japan will replace nuclear energy with the emperor rubbing his feet on the carpet.

Republicans play Red Rover, no one comes over.

Poll shows Mickey Mouse leading the Republican pack.

Mitch Daniels to devote more time to runaway wife.
Lets the door hit him on the front of the head while leaving.

Pawlenty Pawlittle Pawlate

Jewish Arab agreement to divide up country clubs and Mercedes dealerships
falls through when rapture fails to occur.

Newt severs own tail this time does not grow back.

Former IMF head denied bed-turndown before release.
House arrest in Upper East Side condo falls through due to lack of maid service.

President depicts 2 state solution in Mideast–dismay and disbelief.

President Obama pelted with blintzes addressing a Jewish group.

Tells the Irish they’re his kind of -ish.

Mr. Obama told a Jewish group he will turn on the lights in temple on shabbos for a year to make it up.

Democrats accused of kicking a man when he’s Mitt Romney.

With Huntsman running Mormons have minyan.

Wisconsin reichstag requires voters to get ID tattoos on left forearms.

Destroying the Gulf of Mexico earns BP 12 billion in tax write-offs.

French reaction to the Straus-Kahn arrest predictable: they can’t believe it wasn’t the bellhop.

Stephen Hawking says there is no debt ceiling.

Gilbert Gottfried will replace Garrison Keillor in Prairie Home Kvetch.

Google introduces Chromebook, a doorstop that loads in 8 seconds.

iPod 5 has a rotary dial and bakelite cradle. It’s iLittle, it’s iLovely, it iLights.

Khaddaffy tent is booted.

Wisconsin’s Herb Kohl goes back to his first love, groceries. Russ Feingold signs on as bag boy.

Paulie Ryan’s mom won’t sign off on run for Senate–still pissed about her Medicare.
President tells graduates the future–minus 12 trillion or so–is yours.

Arnold love child discovered after the 10 year old bench pressed his mother.

Even more disturbing, a lot of the shepherd pups look like Arnold.

Maria made a huge mistake if she though Arnold was going to be cool about it like the Kennedys.

Bishops say it was the 60’s “if it feels good do it” seminaries that caused all the problems.

Santorum says John McCain was never tortured in a meaningful way.

John McCain says torture is listening to Rick Santorum.

In his last audio tape bin Laden praises Girls Gone Wild Dubai.

Coffee eliminates women’s prostate risk and

How can we miss Oprah when she won’t go away?

That’s All the News that Isn’t

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All the News That Isn’t

Posted May 2, 2011 by mefeld
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May 2, 2011

OBL: R.I.H.

Trump demands to see William and Kate’s marriage certificate.

Honeymooning at grandmas a bad idea no matter how grand. Not that there hasn’t been some traipsing around Balmoral Castle.

Good thing William got married before the pattern baldness got any worse–the man needs a crown.

The Obamas didn’t go to the wedding because Barack doesn’t have a passport, either.

President Obama actually released Fred Armisen’s birth certificate.

Obama demands Trump provide psychiatric evaluation.

Trump really pissed Obama gets all the credit for Osama bin-Laden and he gets none for Gary Busey.

For a guy who doesn’t like foreigners Trump sure marries a lot of them.

In the latest outburst Trump doesn’t believe the President wears size 12 shoes, demands to see the receipt.

Swift birthers demand John Kerry’s birth certificate.

NFL players reporting are clipped, held, face-masked and horse-collared.

Owners all helmet no balls.

Knew something was up when they held the draft in the Walmart parking lot.

Cam Newton goes at number one, Fig still out in the cold.

Speaker Boehner against any oil subsidies other than his own.

Pauly Ryan’s ethical suicide parlors bomb big time in Janesville.

Trump crumbles in New Hampshire like the Old Man of the Mountain.

Only surprise so far in the Wisconsin supreme court recount are the 10,000 Nixon votes in Waukesha county. No surprise, really.

The entire Brookfield Zoo voted Republican as expected.

Iraqi poll watchers have been overseeing the vote recount in Wisconsin.

Katie Couric is leaving the Colonoscopy Broadcasting System for parts unknown.

Sarah Palin wished her a semi-colon.

Best thing about a Ron Paul presidency–Mrs. Paul for first lady!
And, of course, Rand Paul as the feisty never know what he’ll do next presidential offspring.

Field of candidates the worst collection of Republican losers I’ve seen since the last time I was at the country club.

RNC so desperate they want Pauly Ryan to run, but he’ll need his mom’s signature and she’s pretty pissed off about her Medicare.

bng trckd by sum1 elses ifone

Exxon $12 billion profit only comes to 3 billion in gallons.

PlayStation hacked to CashStation.

Planned parenthood cuts in Indiana cause resurgence of “Hoosier daddy?” jokes.

Trump now an after birther.

God particle discovered in Franklin Graham’s eye.

Haley Barbour drops out of race–running against Obama too “in the heat of the night.”
Path to Progress budget reintroduced as Road to Perdition.

Tiger Woods skips Quail Hollow to avoid obvious jokes.

Jay Cutler tears MCL proposing to Kristin Cavallari.

Last chance to poke your old roommate on Friendster.

Dodgers Chapter 11, Mets Chapter 9.

After dissing DeNiro Trump awakes to either horse’s head or Melania.

Circumcision outlawed in San Francisco as a competitive disadvantage,

and researchers find obesity–thankfully–diminishes memory . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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Obama debt speech bullet points

Posted April 12, 2011 by mefeld
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Obama debt speech bullet points:

Start with a joke–listen, money isn’t everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch. Henny Youngman.
Avoid charts, don’t go near a pointer. Make sure your blackberry is off.
Do whatever it takes not to look like Fred Armisen. Wear a hat, smile, anything.
Nothing of the ebtday eilingsay. Conveys mistaken impression there are limits.
No anecdotes. Let em to buy the book.
Say compromise in every sentence mixing verb and noun.
We are all Americans and can prove it.
Scratch that last—too gridiron.
Say something that sounds like a solution so inescapable the viewer will think that’s what’s been slapping him in the face all this time.
And God bless the United States of America [seal].

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All the News That Isn’t

Posted April 11, 2011 by mefeld
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4-11-11

Barrack and Tiger stage comebacks, Manny, not so much.

President Obama said, “Americans of different beliefs came together and kicked the living crap out of one another.”

That’s the beauty of the system.

Shutting down the government is all well and good, but don’t underestimate the power inertia.

Came very close to bringing duels back to Congress.

If student councils worked this way we’d never have prom. If the NFL worked this way we’d have the NFL.

All came down to defunding Planned Parenthood, which would’ve have saved very little since they buy their condoms in bulk.

Obviously none these Republicans were planned, or if they were it went horribly wrong.

In a compromise on the major social issue, abortion will be limited to Democrats only.

The final deal made the first deep but not fatal slash of $38 billion–Trump change.

The big stuff is coming from economic genius and B+/C- Janesville Craig National Merit Semi-Finalist Paulie Ryan.

The Path to Prosperity, formerly known as The Road to Ruin.
Even Draconian for Draco.

Medicare will be replaced with Ethical Suicide Parlors and a free last meal from the adjacent Howard Johnson’s.

Medicaid: schnapps on a cotton ball.

In other news–

Trump private dick in Hawaii discovers Obama heir to King Kamehameha’s throne.

Contenders for Wisconsin’s Supreme Court will job share–she in Madison and he in Waukesha.

A few irregularities in the voting as 14,000 votes turn up in a creel in Pewaukee.

NATO says what the heck it was friendly fire. Libyan rebels are advised to wear orange.

Paulie Ryan offers Final Solution for Baby Boomers.

Still no volunteers for Republican nomination. Romney’s waiting on a salamander to tell him to run. Michele Bachman is having second thoughts about being remotely even the slightest bit qualified for the job. Mike Huckabee is reluctant to leave Arkansas with noodling season just around the corner.

They’re checking to see if Stassen might still be alive.

Katie Couric: The Long Colonoscopy Goodbye. First, Iraq for a last ditch attempt at gravitas.

Frankly, she’s at the age where perky is not a bad thing.

Khalid Sheik Yerbooty will get a 21 gun salute at Gitmo.

Southwest Airlines was serious about freeing you to move about the country.
Hey, the bags were flying free.

WI Governor Walker rejects Madison–fortunately, he has no jurisdiction over El Commandante Paul Soglin’s “People’s Republic of Madtown.”

Glenn Beck experiences Rapture, transcends Fox for even fairer and more balanced realms. As it was prophesied, btw.

Trump hair not born in the USA.

In letter to Obama Khadafy calls him “my son” giving some credence to Trump’s claims.

If Trump spoke Spanish he’d be Hugo Trumpez.

Somali pirate sentenced to cabin boy duty on Carnival Cruise featuring Charlie Sheen nightly in the lounge.

Fatal flaw in Google driverless car–you have to search for it, and

Barry Bonds claims it was Botox in the buttocks . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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Election Night in Dairyland

Posted April 6, 2011 by mefeld
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Election Night in Dairyland (condensed)

Like one of those downloads that freezes at 99%
May have to dive for some of the late returns in Lake Wausau.
Comes down to a couple on 13th & Rosecrans in Wausau holding the fate of the free world in their hands.
What with the big turnout and all had to go to paper ballots.
I enjoy a nice hand counted ballot.
Dane Co totals are in and McGovern won handily.
The way I see it it all depends whether you make Abbotsford or Colby your bellwether.
Menards vote turns out to be crucial in Eau Claire.
If it’s a tie they could job share.
Pisses me off because I know I reminded 585 people to vote today.
In her first decision Justice Kloppenburg says she’s going home.

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All the Tweets That Isn’t for April 1

Posted April 1, 2011 by mefeld
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myfeldman Michael Feldman
Rebecca Black to cover Clint Black.

Walker OK’s trains with proviso they go same speed as in 1931.
Katie’s great but I’d pay to see Michele Bachmann’s colonoscopy.
Artificial dye is safe to eat and possibly even good for you.
Tea partiers calm down! Remember your pressure!
Finger food flying at Tea Party.
Tea partiers hold Republicans feet to the pot.
US afraid of getting dragged into a Khadafy pull.
Gates ranks right behind “Give me Liberty” in great quotes: “Somebody else can do that.”
I take back what I said about leadership as I watch President Obama tell the national clean fleets partnership how he feels.
Unemployment down stock market up–looks like an Obama perfect storm.
They call the wind Obama.
Libyan rebels offer a truce because Misurata loves company.
Kochs going back to using the family name: Himmler.
Walker comes dangerously close to self-doubt.
Thia Megia not related to Mussa Kussa.
Libyan rebels will not be armed but I’ve just saved a ton on my car insurance.
Gates juggles 2 balls.
With the fall of Michigan, the Mason-Dixon line’s all the way up to the UP.
With Wisconsin, Michigan, Indiana and Ohio the South has risen again–in the North.
Let’s think outside the Beltway.
Shutdown? Shut up!
If not a shutdown how about a time out?
If you kids don’t settle down you can forget about your franking privileges.
Might be a good thing to power it down even if they do agree. Maintenance.
Tea Partiers say will hold breath until dead & then u be sorry.
Boehner settles for crap sandwich hold the mayo.
Turns out the foreign minister was all moussa koussa with the US.
In a pickup game Gates would get picked last.
Sign of shutdown: Monica seen getting nails done on K street.
Stay on anti-union law biggest setback for Governor Walker since Marquette suggested he think about correspondence school.
Bonds: Botox in Buttocks.
Nothing good has come out of the presidency since they stopped calling us my fellow Americans.
Donald Trump picking his pants and smelling it.
Scott Walker backs down ruins image.
Most important for Mr. Obama in event of a shutdown is take no interns.
Kind of stimulating to think that in a week things could be running themselves.
Honey, do you know a Moussa Koussa on a toll-free call?
Tea party freshmen clear Barnes & Noble of Robert’s Rules of Order.
Republican nominating convention to be held in Lilliput.

All the Tweets daily @myfeldman

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Feldman Doctrine

Posted March 30, 2011 by mefeld
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The Feldman Doctrine

1. Enough with the family vacations–war always breaks out.

2. Don’t start with the Libyans.

3. The tea party is filled with watercress eaters.

4. Walk a mile in your neighbor’s moccasins but wear a thin cotton sock.

5. Next we’ll have to pay banks to keep our money and maybe throw in a socket wrench or stadium blanket.

6. I believe in One World I just don’t believe it’s this one.

7. Things started going to hell when everybody started misusing “literally.”

8. Twitter is more popular than Jesus. Just kidding. But I doubt Mathew could confine himself to 140 characters.

9. We spend too much time thinking about the perfect electronic device and too little thinking about the perfect accessories.

10. The wisdom that comes with age also goes with it.

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All the Nws That Isn’t

Posted March 14, 2011 by mefeld
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3-14-11

Governor Walker say union repair bill a great victory for the Fatherland.

At bill’s signing in WI capitol rotunda, released doves smash heads to bloody pulps against dome, rain entrails on Republicans gathered below.

Next target on Governor’s agenda: suffrage.

Walker will replace workers’ rights with workplace banners, “Work Shall Set You Free.”

Dairyland, Dairyland Uber Alles.

The good news–Governor Walker says he was just kidding about the layoffs. Things not nearly as bad as that. Just making a point.

Anyway, nice to see Wisconsin in the headlines for something other than morbid obesity. Binge drinking. Even though now more reason than ever.

Prodigal Democrats return but robins remain massed on the WI/IL border, just short of Walworth. Victims of Governor’s Spring Repair Bill.

Being fined a hundred worms a day.

Walker’s bold new Daylight Saving Plan–turn the calendar back 100 years.

Next, for Wisconsin’s Democrats–the ballot box. Find ’em and stuff ’em.

Total Recall: Get ready for the ride of your life!

Walker says Wisconsinites will get used to the bill and the sterilization act folded into it.

Teachers, meanwhile, give up collective bargaining for Lent.

In All the Non-Glorious Victory News That Isn’t . . .

Defense Secretary Gates taunts Khadafy ‘you want a piece of this?’

President Obama says Khadafy reminds him of bullies in school–all the Kenyan kids who taunted him as being American.

President OK’s Guantanamo control to 5 Flags.

Mr. Obama did say during the Wisconsin crisis, “You never outgrow your need for milk,” which was much appreciated.

The Muslim portion of Rep. Peter King’s tribunal is wrapping up–next, the Methodists.

Rockford wants the WI 14 extradited for damage to their motel rooms and huge unpaid video on demand charges.

Speaking of overreach, what about the Illinois governor abolishing death?

What’s with all the “union bosses” we keep hearing about? Did they find Hoffa?

Wisconsin 14 return, Wisconsin 5,654,774 think about leaving.

Kate Middleton tweets: gtng cld feet.

Jared sprints past Ronald McDonald in fast-food heat.

In Egypt, still no sign of Cairo Spring.

Mubarak seen in Speedo at Berlusconi’s Sardinia place.

Estimate for WI capitol tape cleanup from protests drops from $7.5 million to 12 bucks for a can of Goop.

Signs from the protest will be relegated to state historical society along with teachers and public workers. Make a nice little diorama.

Huge Rally at Capitol marks the first time 100,000 people have gathered in Wisconsin without Bucky Badger doing touchdown pushups on his trampoline.

At rally, Tony Shalhoub and Susan Sarandon plea for bigger celebrities to get involved in Wisconsin cause.

NPR reformats as Easy Listening.

NFL players nix a 52 game schedule saying football not a year round sport.

Apple disclaimer says people who buy iPod 2’s will still grow old and die.

The nice thing about having intelligence head James Clapper on board is the President just has to go–clap! clap!–and he shuts up.

Saif is Naif . . .

And Jessica Biel is going to need a lot of comforting after Justin Timberlake breakup . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Michael Feldman

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All the News That Isn’t

Posted March 10, 2011 by mefeld
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All the News That Isn’t 3/10/11

Gang that couldn’t deal straight burns the Reichstag.

Teachers stripped of rights and deloused by Walker shock troops.

Man posing as Governor makes prank speech dissolving state of Wisconsin.

Really had us going there, for a minute. Scotty sure can keep a straight face.

I mean, teachers, cops, public workers, sure–but the recycling? Hah! Good one! Wish I would have thought of it.

Cutting out child nutrition and making breast feeding a misdemeanor–great stuff! You can make this stuff up.

Transitioning to our new Southern lifestyle here in Wisconsissippi will take a bit of getting used to, y’all, but I like the ring of “America’s Beulahland.”

The dairy farms weren’t doing much, anyway–putting ’em in cotton’s the best thing that could’ve happened.

Liftin’ that barge and totin’ that bale on the banks of the Kinnikinnick makes you glad to be way up north in Wixie.

Those majestic pole barn manor houses on the soybean plantations.

The University of Wisconsin–Ol’ Wis, going with football and dropping the academics.

Our new non-union worker’s paradise will–hopefully–soon attract a Kia or a Hyundai. So far just a Payday America and a couple of Waffle Houses, but it’s a start!

Thank you, Big Daddy!

And in All the Non-Wisconsissippi News That Isn’t . . .

House defends marriage which is more than she ever did.

Obama tells Khadafy “stop it right now, mister. Don’t make me stop this car!”

Libya rebels push a giant Trojan Ukrainian nurse into Tripoli.

Economy turns corner for third time, finds itself back where it started.

Wisconsin outlaws prank phone calls, orders arrest of Bart Simpson.

President Obama takes scalpel to eviscerated budget carcass.

Wisconsin Republicans send posse across Illinois border to round up fugitive Democrats claiming asylum under the Lake Geneva Convention.

If the Democrats have Toyotas, they could recall their brake pedals.

NFL the latest dispute the President won’t dirty his hands with. Still pissed about the Bears.

NFL wants to go back to the plantation system. Worked for a lot of years.

Governor Walker has offered to replace NFL players with Wackenhut general service felons, and do a kind of a Longest Yard thing.

Pope says he will stop wearing Galliano.

In a conciliatory gesture, the Pope commutes Jews’ sentence on the Jesus rap to time served.

Thousands flock to reported sighting of white iPad.

Steve Jobs thinner, lighter, with new processor.

Great and all, but what about the tablets Moses was carrying?

Newt to run on the Hot Tub Time Machine ticket.

Callista just needs to stop at Stepford for a tune-up.

Poor Newt–finally the right wife and there’s no way in hell.

Mike Huckabee decides to stay in the double-wide what with noodling season so near.

Jim DeMint proposes National Private Radio. Already in mourning at Morning Edition, not to mention All Offers Considered. Pure panic at “Wait! Wait! Don’t!”

The live sex demo at Northwestern was necessary because they’re not Wildcats in the bedroom.

Cam Newton figs it at NFL Combine.

Bernie Madoff will work off the Mets swindle by selling hot dogs in a pyramid scheme at Citi Field.

BYU forward Brandon Davies says, if it’s any consolation, it wasn’t that good.

Sirhan Sirhan seeks release now that there’s no Kennedys left to shoot.

German Catholics call for an end to celibacy, rank and file hope it extends to the laity.

Kirstie Alley the new Bristol Palin and then some on Dancing With the Stars.

Galliano and Sheen head out for a night of Jew baiting, and

Christina Aguilera arrested in anthem reprisal . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

—
how tweet it is @myfeldman

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