Whad'ya Know?

All the News That Isn’t for 8/8/11

From a democracy to a super-committeeocracy.

Biggest thing since Supertramp.

What bad has ever come from a congressional committee?

Smart to rename it–super death panel wasn’t going to fly.

Super committee charged with finding final solution.

US loses AAA rating for B-/C+.

No loans without collateral and someone signs for Uncle Sam.

You’d think a guy who prints his own money would have a pretty good credit rating.

The United States now has the same credit rating as JD Byrider.

Thank you Tea Party! Now into the bay with you!

While you’re on break, guys, how about remedial free market economics at the community college?

S & P as in Substandard & Poorer.

On Wall Street brokers half way out the windows. The tapping on the pane may not be a pigeon.

I don’t get it, it’s not their money.

When the crash comes how’s a guy gonna hop a high speed train?

Seeing your boss with all his belongings on a stick might almost be worth it.

American eagle downgraded to turkey.

Fed considering going back on the Glen Beck standard.

Obamacare replaced with schnapps on a cotton ball.

Market whipsawing the economy but the Tea Party saved a bunch on their car insurance.

NFL allows lawyers on the line of scrimmage.
Union reps have been moved up 5 yards for fewer run backs.

FAA funding restored so the TSA can dig in again.

Romney signs a pledge saying marriage is between one man and four women.

Bachmann signs a pledge saying marriage is between one woman and whatever Marcus is.

President signs a pledge saying marriage is whatever Michele says it is.

Following Palin lead, lowland gorilla tests the waters in Iowa after movie’s release.

Without Charlton Heston the apes don’t seem so attractive.

Newest Planet of the Apes spawns Jersey Shore of the Apes, The Real Apes of the Planet and the Apedashians.

Tea Partiers flood casinos trying to cover market losses.

Down to the Dow Pre-Industrials.

Jerry Lewis won’t be doing Jerry’s McDonald’s Wipe-out Kids Telethon this year.

Paul McCartney says when I call you up your line’s been hacked.

Old Navy stock sinks after Casey Anthony buying spree.

Fat lady sings at Obama 50th birthday party.

Happy Birthday Mr. President from Marilyn Manson.

Once the AARP card arrives he’s going to feel much differently about things.

The president got the usual 50th birthday novelty gifts–candy viagra, you know you’re fifty when playing cards, the little penis crutch.

Pussycat Woods returns to links.

Jor-el named head of super committee.

Bubble universe evidence suggests Welk was right.
And maybe they’re not so stupid for re-running him on PBS after all.

New analysis suggests it may have been the heat in Dallas and not Oswald,

And studies find even a little exercise is good for the heart, so take it out and throw it around a little . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t

5-31-11

Oprah’s riderless horse paraded down Pennsylvania Avenue.

A scene right out of Thriller when Michael Jackson turns up on Oprah’s last show.

This time the audience found Oprah under their seats.

Oprah went straight to her bucket list–a bucket of macaroni.

In other news-

Highlight of the European vacation was the Obamas moving in with that German couple they thought they were related to. Oh, wait, that was the Griswolds.

Well, then, the highlight would have to be beer pong with Cameron.
Or, when the President thought he was stroking the Queen’s corgi.

Chrysler pays back loans still no word from Plymouth.

Mars rover and Tiger Woods both end their careers in sand trap.

Limbaugh ratings dropping faster than the pounds.

Debt ceiling collapses on House, congressman-sniffing dogs sent in.

Paulie Ryan’s rejected Path to Prosperity reintroduced as Road to Ruin.

Somebody should dress Paulie Ryan up like an old man and stick him in the ER.

Sarah Palin–the bus to nowhere.

Doomsday prophet now says it’s a lawn chair and helium balloons in October or bust.

Tressel tied to trestle.
The Buckeye don’t fall too far from the tree.

War criminal Ratko Mladic discovered through his Tiffany account.

Patriot Act passes but Euphemism Act stalled.

House republicans admit they have to do a better job selling the Final Solution.

Steve Jobs releases iCloud from heaven.

Wisconsin’s governor Walker says concealed weapons will work as voter ID.

And, in Hangover III, they wake up on the floor of Congress . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t