All the News That Isn’t

May 2, 2011


Trump demands to see William and Kate’s marriage certificate.

Honeymooning at grandmas a bad idea no matter how grand. Not that there hasn’t been some traipsing around Balmoral Castle.

Good thing William got married before the pattern baldness got any worse–the man needs a crown.

The Obamas didn’t go to the wedding because Barack doesn’t have a passport, either.

President Obama actually released Fred Armisen’s birth certificate.

Obama demands Trump provide psychiatric evaluation.

Trump really pissed Obama gets all the credit for Osama bin-Laden and he gets none for Gary Busey.

For a guy who doesn’t like foreigners Trump sure marries a lot of them.

In the latest outburst Trump doesn’t believe the President wears size 12 shoes, demands to see the receipt.

Swift birthers demand John Kerry’s birth certificate.

NFL players reporting are clipped, held, face-masked and horse-collared.

Owners all helmet no balls.

Knew something was up when they held the draft in the Walmart parking lot.

Cam Newton goes at number one, Fig still out in the cold.

Speaker Boehner against any oil subsidies other than his own.

Pauly Ryan’s ethical suicide parlors bomb big time in Janesville.

Trump crumbles in New Hampshire like the Old Man of the Mountain.

Only surprise so far in the Wisconsin supreme court recount are the 10,000 Nixon votes in Waukesha county. No surprise, really.

The entire Brookfield Zoo voted Republican as expected.

Iraqi poll watchers have been overseeing the vote recount in Wisconsin.

Katie Couric is leaving the Colonoscopy Broadcasting System for parts unknown.

Sarah Palin wished her a semi-colon.

Best thing about a Ron Paul presidency–Mrs. Paul for first lady!
And, of course, Rand Paul as the feisty never know what he’ll do next presidential offspring.

Field of candidates the worst collection of Republican losers I’ve seen since the last time I was at the country club.

RNC so desperate they want Pauly Ryan to run, but he’ll need his mom’s signature and she’s pretty pissed off about her Medicare.

bng trckd by sum1 elses ifone

Exxon $12 billion profit only comes to 3 billion in gallons.

PlayStation hacked to CashStation.

Planned parenthood cuts in Indiana cause resurgence of “Hoosier daddy?” jokes.

Trump now an after birther.

God particle discovered in Franklin Graham’s eye.

Haley Barbour drops out of race–running against Obama too “in the heat of the night.”
Path to Progress budget reintroduced as Road to Perdition.

Tiger Woods skips Quail Hollow to avoid obvious jokes.

Jay Cutler tears MCL proposing to Kristin Cavallari.

Last chance to poke your old roommate on Friendster.

Dodgers Chapter 11, Mets Chapter 9.

After dissing DeNiro Trump awakes to either horse’s head or Melania.

Circumcision outlawed in San Francisco as a competitive disadvantage,

and researchers find obesity–thankfully–diminishes memory . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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