Posted tagged ‘Up to Minute News That Isn’t’

All the News That Isn’t

May 23, 2011

May 23, 2011

Devil may care WI governor Walker raptures anyway causing extensive damage to state capitol in ascent.

Rapture failure causing concern over which structures may have been built by 89 year old civil engineer Harold Campling.

Hedging his bets Stephen Hawking says if there is a heaven he qualifies for pre-boarding.

President Obama demands democratic reform in Syria, Libya, Tunisia, Yemen and Wisconsin.

Mr. Obama says in exchange for Israel going back to 1967 borders the US will go back to its 1803 borders and give back all the stuff Lewis & Clark stole.

For some reason Israel’s 1967 border made a strong impression on 6 year old Barry Obama.

First new Arnold Schwarzenegger film will be “Sperminator.”

Frustrated PlayStation shooters take to street with joysticks.

Japan will replace nuclear energy with the emperor rubbing his feet on the carpet.

Republicans play Red Rover, no one comes over.

Poll shows Mickey Mouse leading the Republican pack.

Mitch Daniels to devote more time to runaway wife.
Lets the door hit him on the front of the head while leaving.

Pawlenty Pawlittle Pawlate

Jewish Arab agreement to divide up country clubs and Mercedes dealerships
falls through when rapture fails to occur.

Newt severs own tail this time does not grow back.

Former IMF head denied bed-turndown before release.
House arrest in Upper East Side condo falls through due to lack of maid service.

President depicts 2 state solution in Mideast–dismay and disbelief.

President Obama pelted with blintzes addressing a Jewish group.

Tells the Irish they’re his kind of -ish.

Mr. Obama told a Jewish group he will turn on the lights in temple on shabbos for a year to make it up.

Democrats accused of kicking a man when he’s Mitt Romney.

With Huntsman running Mormons have minyan.

Wisconsin reichstag requires voters to get ID tattoos on left forearms.

Destroying the Gulf of Mexico earns BP 12 billion in tax write-offs.

French reaction to the Straus-Kahn arrest predictable: they can’t believe it wasn’t the bellhop.

Stephen Hawking says there is no debt ceiling.

Gilbert Gottfried will replace Garrison Keillor in Prairie Home Kvetch.

Google introduces Chromebook, a doorstop that loads in 8 seconds.

iPod 5 has a rotary dial and bakelite cradle. It’s iLittle, it’s iLovely, it iLights.

Khaddaffy tent is booted.

Wisconsin’s Herb Kohl goes back to his first love, groceries. Russ Feingold signs on as bag boy.

Paulie Ryan’s mom won’t sign off on run for Senate–still pissed about her Medicare.
President tells graduates the future–minus 12 trillion or so–is yours.

Arnold love child discovered after the 10 year old bench pressed his mother.

Even more disturbing, a lot of the shepherd pups look like Arnold.

Maria made a huge mistake if she though Arnold was going to be cool about it like the Kennedys.

Bishops say it was the 60’s “if it feels good do it” seminaries that caused all the problems.

Santorum says John McCain was never tortured in a meaningful way.

John McCain says torture is listening to Rick Santorum.

In his last audio tape bin Laden praises Girls Gone Wild Dubai.

Coffee eliminates women’s prostate risk and

How can we miss Oprah when she won’t go away?

That’s All the News that Isn’t