Posted tagged ‘All the News That Isn’t’

All the News That Isn’t for 4/23/18

April 23, 2018

All the News That Isn’t   for 4-23-18



Rudy Guiliani the powerhouse who all but eliminated littering in Time Square is added to Trump legal tag team.

My man Trump is lawyering up. Can’t seem to keep em once they get indicted.

You know he’s getting desperate when he starts going with gentile lawyers.

Usually it’s the old Archie Bunker search: the yellow pages under Lawyers, Jewish.


Speaking of whom, Lawyer/Bagman Michael Cohen will be defending himself, even though it will be all but impossible to get another home equity loan to pay off his own hookers.

Reverse mortgage maybe. Or if that Stormy Daniels ship comes in.

Could mine bitcoin using the White House computer banks.

I don’t know–not my problem. Got my own problems.


Cuba has its first leader who’s not a Castro: Ted Cruz.

Gone back to using Rafael.


Lance Armstrong has settled his fraud case against his former sponsor, the US Postal Service.

Will pay the USPS 10 million Forever Stamps.


The US missile attack on Syrian non-targets did not destroy Syrian chemical weapons but did send Tomahawk missile-maker Raytheon stock to explosive new highs.


Kim Jong Un has removed removal of American troops in South Korea as a precondition for talks but is adamant that taking back Rocket Boy! was a deal breaker.


The baboons who cooperated to free themselves from a research facility given a medal of honor & a place of their own.


Khloe Kardashian says she learned so much about motherhood from her sisters–not so much from her mom, Kris Jenner.

Except, maybe, what to look out for in a partner.


Turns out James Comey is mildly nauseous pretty much all the time, so, best not make too much of it.


People of color to get free latte at Starbucks for a week.

Choice of latte not well received by people of color.


Nobody has much to say about Trump’s second hundred days.

Oh, the days dwindle down ” September—November . . . . ”


Trump says if he gets any tougher on the Russians he will have to restage the Moscow hotel room pp party with him doing all the work.


Chris Christie’s official portrait to cost NJ taxpayers $85,000 because the state was forced to contract with a billboard painter.


People who stand are smarter but lose the advantage the minute they sit down.


The Not Much Poll asking why Paul Ryan quit at the height of his career was surprised to find that 11% or respondents thought it was to pursue Buddhism.  Less surprising was that only 17% bought the spending more time with the kids thing, while 72% thought Donald Trump poched him in the tuchise with a magazine.

Ryan, landing on his feet as always, will be the first CEO of Foxconn-Janesville in the fall–


The Not Much Poll look at who may have been tougher on the Russians than Donald Trump and found the public pretty equally divided between the Nazi army, other Russians and Anybody—-


That’s All the News That Isn’t



All the News That Isn’t 9-19-16

September 19, 2016


All the News That Isn’t 9-19-16


Used to be if you heard an older lady got pneumonia, you’d say , “oh, dear, that’s what my aunt died of,” and ask how she was doing.


Hillary ended up back in the hospital attempting splits to James Brown’s “I Feel Good.”


Trump says Hillary could shoot somebody dead and not get arrested, the same thing he has said about himself–so, it’s a compliment really.


Tim Tebow signs with T-ball.


The more NFL players smoke pot the more ethereal end zone celebrations have become.


Apple pulls out of the self-driving car business after Siri complains she cannot drive everybody around while looking up everything they’re too lazy to Google.

Got a big ‘you go girl’ from Amazon’s Alexa.


After learning Hawaii is a state Donald Trump says Obama was, technically, born in the USA, with an asterisk.


Melania Trump says she was not an escort in Slovenia, she was just working her way through architecture school. And you know how hard architecture school is.


After tousling Donald Trump’s Hair on the tonight show, Jimmy Fallon ponders what he can play with of Hillary’s.


Some problems for the Trump Inaugural committee on getting a band for the Inaugural Ball, given the rather short list of musicians who endorsed Trump.


Zoltay Bathory and 5 Finger Death seems like a natural, but they’re not really a dance band, while without El Sadistico the death metal band Brujeria, despite being Mexican, is less appealing.


And Pat Boone is no longer performing.



Guys who ride their bikes without using their hands seen as biggest market for self-driving cars.


Biggest technical problem for self-driving cars–is the necker’s knob up for grabs?


The innovative Chevy Bolt electric will be recharged by a kite flying in electrical storms.


The Chevy Bolt will have a range of 238 miles, or from here to Des Moines.

But, there ya are, in Des Moines. Other way around wouldn’t be so bad.



Skin cells used for the first time to create kinda itchy embryos.


California Proposition 64–seems like there should be more–which legalizes purely recreational use of marijuana promises to greatly increase the category of human endeavor classified as recreation.


I, for one, consider my work recreational. I know several surgeons who seem to really enjoy what they do.  And football, baseball, basketball, soccer–hey, they call it play, don’t they?


Huge increase in people calling into work with pneumonia.

Most think it’s not a big deal, but better to be on the safe side.


2 Brazilian gas station attendants attack Brian Lochte during his Dancing with the Stars performance.


Donald Trump has made such a convincing argument for Vladimir Putin many swing voters are now going Putin.


Colin Kaepernick has gone to standing on one leg, flamingo-like.


America waiting to see if next Trump herpes outbreak will get same attention as Hillary’s pneumonia.


For equal time Hillary Clinton will whispers lady problems into Dr. Oz’s ears.


President Obama wants to  welcome more refugees in next year, what with 9 bedrooms in the new place and the one girl away at school.


More smokers turning to cigarettes to quit vaping.


You never hear about the Florida doctor who poses as a teen.


After dissing the black minister of  Flint’s Bethel United Methodist Church, Trump’s baptism in the Flint River is off.


First Russian hack of a Republican occurs when Russian hackers mistake RNC chairman Reince Priebus for Ukranian.


Besides the “national disgrace” that is Trump and Hillary’s hubris, the Russian hack of Colin Powell’s email reveals he thinks “apple is fkn crazy for removing the ear phone jack.” And that Powell loves Kim, hates Kanye.


I tell ya, though, I’m encrypting all my emails now so even the recipient can’t even read them. Especially the recipient.


Donald Trump tells Dr Oz his cholesterol rate is pegged to the Fed’s discount rate.


Donald Trump, Jr, says the fact that Donald Sr pays less in taxes than 10 year old Barron Trump would be too distracting for the electorate.


NFL investigating head trauma in Roger Goodell.


Latest note from Trump doctor  reads “Please excuse Donald from uneccessary (sic) medical exams as he is in terrific health, signed, My Doctor. ”


KY governor who said blood will be shed if Hillary wins meant it would be a shock and he shaves with a straight razor.


New evidence suggests that dinosaurs had camouflage colors which did little to hide the fact they were 90 feet long and 15 feet at the hips.


Health benefits of marijuana keep coming in–daily use of pot will decrease your body mass index by 3%, almost offsetting the gain from munchies.

Other benefits from marijuana include making you funnier, a better dancer, and drop dead gorgeous.


That’s All the News That Isn’t



You Try and Say Papananaumokeakea and All the News That Isn’t for 8-26-16

August 26, 2016


Donald Trump’s Biggest Asset and All the News That Isn’t for 8-19-16

August 19, 2016


Why the Olympic Pools Were Pea Green and All the News That Isn’t 8-12-16

August 12, 2016

What Trump’s 4Y Deferment was For and All the News That Isn’t 8-5-16

August 5, 2016


Trump Breaks Through Ass Ceiling and All the News That Isn’t

July 29, 2016


The Ginsburg-Trump Affair and All The News That Isn’t 7-14-16

July 14, 2016


Jon Snow Runs Trump Through and All the News That Isn’t

June 13, 2016



The big news here in America’s Dairyland is Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers is giving up cheese and milk due to lactose intolerance–that’s OK, what you really don’t want is a lactose intolerant center.


A federal appeals court rules there’s nothing in the 2nd Amendment that anticipates conceal and carry, perhaps because it never occurred to the Founding Fathers to conceal a blunderbuss.


Should Britain leave the European Union they have an open invitation to join the Union of Former Soviet Socialist Republics.

Union Carbide called. Pipefitters Union. And the Onion, although that was more of a typo.


Perhaps if the Cavaliers called themselves anything else?  Raconteurs? Bon Vivants?  Schleppers?


$3.4 million for lunch with Warren Buffet and he still won’t reach for the tab.

Whatever else you can say about Mike Feldman, he did pick up the occasional check.


Study finds doctors and children only wash their hands when being watched, and neither picks up their toys.


On her 90th, Queen Elizabeth plays croquet with flamingos and hedgehogs. Getting just a tad eccentric.

Meanwhile, Prince Phillip keeps disappearing down rabbit holes.


Hillary and Elizabeth Warren can run together now that they’re past having to worry about synchronizing.

In the Game of Thrones finale, Jon Smith runs Donald Trump through and seizes the nomination and Melania.


Hillary finally wears a decent outfit and it turns out to be a $12,000 Armani.

Well, TJ Maxx wasn’t doing it for her.

Important, though, to wear your old clothes when talking to poverty groups.


The WWE will sanction the Presidential Debates this year, 10 rounds at Madison Square Garden.

Hil and Liz gonna tag team The Donald’s ass.


Something called Island Stress Shrinkage led to the Hobbits and NY Knicks small size.


An increasing number of female bees are reproducing on their own without waiting for Buzzwell.


Some Olympic athletes are putting their sperm on ice before Rio so they can at least enjoy their downtime.


Bernie stays in the race because you don’t quit being Bernie Sanders.

Unlike Norma Desmond, Bernie will not relinquish the spotlight.


Here in Wisconsin, 45,496 wild turkeys and twice that in frozen during spring turkey season.


Madison has been named the number one college football town in the country,

and you can’t get any higher than that–believe me, we’ve tried.


That’s All the News That Isn’tJon_Kill_the_Boy

All the Trump News That Isn’t

June 6, 2016



We live in an age when Riley is the man and Justin is the dog.


‘All the Trump News That Isn’t’ begins with a disclaimer:

Donald Trump has passed the point where stupid is provocative; it is now merely stupid.

  1. Trump’s African-American fails to respond to his summons.
  2. “I’m building a wall it’s an inherent conflict of interest” was not the incoherent rant of a man on the bus.
  3. Great relief as Californians learn there is no drought.
  4. Calling Elizabeth Warren Pocahontas earned the response “You’re Stinky Pete the Prospector.”
  5. When non-existent global warming submerges your golf course where will you drop the ball?
  6. 3500 harassment suits do not necessarily indicate a great legal mind.
  7. In his defense, Fraud was the most popular major at Trump U.
  8. No you cannot tweet the State of the Union.
  9. I hope you have kidnapping insurance, although that would be The Ransom of Yellow Chief.
  10. A man who can’t backdate checks to prove donations he didn’t make is not presidential.

Glad I got that out of the way, because I won’t be here to help you through the Trump administration.

Reagan, Bush 1, Clinton, Bush 2, Obama–c’mon enough’s enough.

In All the Non-Trump News That Isn’t–

Cavs and the Warriors, Beast and the Beauty.


Dad of the 6 year old who turned him in for running a red light tells him “I’m very proud of you, see you when you’re 18.”


Sure enough, the woman whose 3 year old tumbled into the Gorilla Enclosure was back the next week with the other one.

Because you can’t take one and not the other.


Speaking of child rearing, I just hope the boy left in the forest for 6 days has learned an important lesson about parenting.


Proponents of Brexit–the UK leaving the EU–have  taken the Trump approach:

Let’s Make Great Britain Great Again.

Great Great Britain?

Great Again Britain?

Great Squared Britain?

Jolly Good Britain?


The fact that American nuclear alerts are on floppy disc at least gives you a little time to think.

That they are delivered by Paper Clip Guy, though, is disturbing.


After 15 months Taylor Swift breaks up with someone name Calvin Harris.

Meanwhile, “Calvin,” shoots to number 1 on iTunes.


With AHI–artificial horn intelligence–Google self-driving cars can now lean on the horn if you’re not out of the house pretty quick, and can play “Dixie” at intersections in the South.


Facebook AI–‘Deep Text’–said to have near human accuracy.

Hell, I have near human accuracy.


And, Roots 2 is such a success that next– 2 Fiddlers on the Roof.


That’s All the News That Isn’t4c629cd466b15.image