All the News That Isn’t 9-19-16


All the News That Isn’t 9-19-16


Used to be if you heard an older lady got pneumonia, you’d say , “oh, dear, that’s what my aunt died of,” and ask how she was doing.


Hillary ended up back in the hospital attempting splits to James Brown’s “I Feel Good.”


Trump says Hillary could shoot somebody dead and not get arrested, the same thing he has said about himself–so, it’s a compliment really.


Tim Tebow signs with T-ball.


The more NFL players smoke pot the more ethereal end zone celebrations have become.


Apple pulls out of the self-driving car business after Siri complains she cannot drive everybody around while looking up everything they’re too lazy to Google.

Got a big ‘you go girl’ from Amazon’s Alexa.


After learning Hawaii is a state Donald Trump says Obama was, technically, born in the USA, with an asterisk.


Melania Trump says she was not an escort in Slovenia, she was just working her way through architecture school. And you know how hard architecture school is.


After tousling Donald Trump’s Hair on the tonight show, Jimmy Fallon ponders what he can play with of Hillary’s.


Some problems for the Trump Inaugural committee on getting a band for the Inaugural Ball, given the rather short list of musicians who endorsed Trump.


Zoltay Bathory and 5 Finger Death seems like a natural, but they’re not really a dance band, while without El Sadistico the death metal band Brujeria, despite being Mexican, is less appealing.


And Pat Boone is no longer performing.



Guys who ride their bikes without using their hands seen as biggest market for self-driving cars.


Biggest technical problem for self-driving cars–is the necker’s knob up for grabs?


The innovative Chevy Bolt electric will be recharged by a kite flying in electrical storms.


The Chevy Bolt will have a range of 238 miles, or from here to Des Moines.

But, there ya are, in Des Moines. Other way around wouldn’t be so bad.



Skin cells used for the first time to create kinda itchy embryos.


California Proposition 64–seems like there should be more–which legalizes purely recreational use of marijuana promises to greatly increase the category of human endeavor classified as recreation.


I, for one, consider my work recreational. I know several surgeons who seem to really enjoy what they do.  And football, baseball, basketball, soccer–hey, they call it play, don’t they?


Huge increase in people calling into work with pneumonia.

Most think it’s not a big deal, but better to be on the safe side.


2 Brazilian gas station attendants attack Brian Lochte during his Dancing with the Stars performance.


Donald Trump has made such a convincing argument for Vladimir Putin many swing voters are now going Putin.


Colin Kaepernick has gone to standing on one leg, flamingo-like.


America waiting to see if next Trump herpes outbreak will get same attention as Hillary’s pneumonia.


For equal time Hillary Clinton will whispers lady problems into Dr. Oz’s ears.


President Obama wants to  welcome more refugees in next year, what with 9 bedrooms in the new place and the one girl away at school.


More smokers turning to cigarettes to quit vaping.


You never hear about the Florida doctor who poses as a teen.


After dissing the black minister of  Flint’s Bethel United Methodist Church, Trump’s baptism in the Flint River is off.


First Russian hack of a Republican occurs when Russian hackers mistake RNC chairman Reince Priebus for Ukranian.


Besides the “national disgrace” that is Trump and Hillary’s hubris, the Russian hack of Colin Powell’s email reveals he thinks “apple is fkn crazy for removing the ear phone jack.” And that Powell loves Kim, hates Kanye.


I tell ya, though, I’m encrypting all my emails now so even the recipient can’t even read them. Especially the recipient.


Donald Trump tells Dr Oz his cholesterol rate is pegged to the Fed’s discount rate.


Donald Trump, Jr, says the fact that Donald Sr pays less in taxes than 10 year old Barron Trump would be too distracting for the electorate.


NFL investigating head trauma in Roger Goodell.


Latest note from Trump doctor  reads “Please excuse Donald from uneccessary (sic) medical exams as he is in terrific health, signed, My Doctor. ”


KY governor who said blood will be shed if Hillary wins meant it would be a shock and he shaves with a straight razor.


New evidence suggests that dinosaurs had camouflage colors which did little to hide the fact they were 90 feet long and 15 feet at the hips.


Health benefits of marijuana keep coming in–daily use of pot will decrease your body mass index by 3%, almost offsetting the gain from munchies.

Other benefits from marijuana include making you funnier, a better dancer, and drop dead gorgeous.


That’s All the News That Isn’t



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