Posted tagged ‘Not Off the Press’

All the News That Isn’t

June 27, 2011

June 27, 2011

Circumcision no longer covered by Medicaid– but isn’t it a little late by then, anyway?

Talks with Taliban on, with congress off.

Talks with congress bog down in Biden.

New York, New York marriage passes. Same borough marriage.

Breaking his silence on same-sex marriage, President Obama says if he had it to do all over again it might be Craig and not Michele Robinson. Could work on his game.

President pulls 30,000 Taliban out of Afghanistan.

Vatican approves withdrawal.

President declares all bags fly free out of Afghanistan.

Critics of withdrawal says 10 years is abrupt.

Surge backwards very nearly spells egress.

Well, he’s young, there’ll be other surges for him.

Could take a while though–the British have been withdrawing from Afghanistan since 1842.

Obama approval numbers down to must kill soon.

Be kindest to put Newt to sleep. They shoot Newts, don’t they?

All his advisers quit and Calista doesn’t show for dinner.

Fed head Bernanke admits getting a B-minus/C-plus in econ.

Gates approves gays in private life.

Ron Paul must be high. LSD, too, judging by Rand.

Bristol Palin has a new book out “Not Afraid of Stupid.”
Mostly a response to Levi’s book “I’m With Stupid.”

May be the first time an author has written a book without having read one.

Kid who plays for the beer hole wins the US Open.

Hef to adopt instead of marry.

Hef may go with same-sex marriage–he’s been courting Mitch McConnell.

Jon Huntsman launches “Yes We Can-Can” campaign.

Primarily known as the man the Obamas sent out for Chinese.

Seizing opportunity, Michele Bachman to manage Washington Nationals.

NATO says it shoots anything with Libya, Libya, Libya on the label, label, label.

FDA cigarette warnings imply blowing smoke out your tracheostomy hole not sexy.

First Greek austerity measure as Parthenon goes condo.

John McCain says Arizona fires the result of spontaneous alien combustion.

Paul McCartney favored over Cubs at Wrigley Field.

Supreme Court rules Walmart can pay women everyday low wages.

Wisconsin Governor Walker signs slash and burn budget, now wife Tonette must give birth to the devil’s baby.

President releases 60 million barrels of oil–your job, grab some buckets and find out where.

Southwest pilot turns out to be 62, gay and ugly.
Feel free to move about your mouth.

Glen Campbell–by the time I get to–where was it again?
Glen, you are in Phoenix.

Scientists discover some people remember everything and they are all women . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

All the Nws That Isn’t

March 14, 2011


Governor Walker say union repair bill a great victory for the Fatherland.

At bill’s signing in WI capitol rotunda, released doves smash heads to bloody pulps against dome, rain entrails on Republicans gathered below.

Next target on Governor’s agenda: suffrage.

Walker will replace workers’ rights with workplace banners, “Work Shall Set You Free.”

Dairyland, Dairyland Uber Alles.

The good news–Governor Walker says he was just kidding about the layoffs. Things not nearly as bad as that. Just making a point.

Anyway, nice to see Wisconsin in the headlines for something other than morbid obesity. Binge drinking. Even though now more reason than ever.

Prodigal Democrats return but robins remain massed on the WI/IL border, just short of Walworth. Victims of Governor’s Spring Repair Bill.

Being fined a hundred worms a day.

Walker’s bold new Daylight Saving Plan–turn the calendar back 100 years.

Next, for Wisconsin’s Democrats–the ballot box. Find ’em and stuff ’em.

Total Recall: Get ready for the ride of your life!

Walker says Wisconsinites will get used to the bill and the sterilization act folded into it.

Teachers, meanwhile, give up collective bargaining for Lent.

In All the Non-Glorious Victory News That Isn’t . . .

Defense Secretary Gates taunts Khadafy ‘you want a piece of this?’

President Obama says Khadafy reminds him of bullies in school–all the Kenyan kids who taunted him as being American.

President OK’s Guantanamo control to 5 Flags.

Mr. Obama did say during the Wisconsin crisis, “You never outgrow your need for milk,” which was much appreciated.

The Muslim portion of Rep. Peter King’s tribunal is wrapping up–next, the Methodists.

Rockford wants the WI 14 extradited for damage to their motel rooms and huge unpaid video on demand charges.

Speaking of overreach, what about the Illinois governor abolishing death?

What’s with all the “union bosses” we keep hearing about? Did they find Hoffa?

Wisconsin 14 return, Wisconsin 5,654,774 think about leaving.

Kate Middleton tweets: gtng cld feet.

Jared sprints past Ronald McDonald in fast-food heat.

In Egypt, still no sign of Cairo Spring.

Mubarak seen in Speedo at Berlusconi’s Sardinia place.

Estimate for WI capitol tape cleanup from protests drops from $7.5 million to 12 bucks for a can of Goop.

Signs from the protest will be relegated to state historical society along with teachers and public workers. Make a nice little diorama.

Huge Rally at Capitol marks the first time 100,000 people have gathered in Wisconsin without Bucky Badger doing touchdown pushups on his trampoline.

At rally, Tony Shalhoub and Susan Sarandon plea for bigger celebrities to get involved in Wisconsin cause.

NPR reformats as Easy Listening.

NFL players nix a 52 game schedule saying football not a year round sport.

Apple disclaimer says people who buy iPod 2’s will still grow old and die.

The nice thing about having intelligence head James Clapper on board is the President just has to go–clap! clap!–and he shuts up.

Saif is Naif . . .

And Jessica Biel is going to need a lot of comforting after Justin Timberlake breakup . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Michael Feldman