All the News That Isn’t

All the News That Isn’t 3/10/11

Gang that couldn’t deal straight burns the Reichstag.

Teachers stripped of rights and deloused by Walker shock troops.

Man posing as Governor makes prank speech dissolving state of Wisconsin.

Really had us going there, for a minute. Scotty sure can keep a straight face.

I mean, teachers, cops, public workers, sure–but the recycling? Hah! Good one! Wish I would have thought of it.

Cutting out child nutrition and making breast feeding a misdemeanor–great stuff! You can make this stuff up.

Transitioning to our new Southern lifestyle here in Wisconsissippi will take a bit of getting used to, y’all, but I like the ring of “America’s Beulahland.”

The dairy farms weren’t doing much, anyway–putting ’em in cotton’s the best thing that could’ve happened.

Liftin’ that barge and totin’ that bale on the banks of the Kinnikinnick makes you glad to be way up north in Wixie.

Those majestic pole barn manor houses on the soybean plantations.

The University of Wisconsin–Ol’ Wis, going with football and dropping the academics.

Our new non-union worker’s paradise will–hopefully–soon attract a Kia or a Hyundai. So far just a Payday America and a couple of Waffle Houses, but it’s a start!

Thank you, Big Daddy!

And in All the Non-Wisconsissippi News That Isn’t . . .

House defends marriage which is more than she ever did.

Obama tells Khadafy “stop it right now, mister. Don’t make me stop this car!”

Libya rebels push a giant Trojan Ukrainian nurse into Tripoli.

Economy turns corner for third time, finds itself back where it started.

Wisconsin outlaws prank phone calls, orders arrest of Bart Simpson.

President Obama takes scalpel to eviscerated budget carcass.

Wisconsin Republicans send posse across Illinois border to round up fugitive Democrats claiming asylum under the Lake Geneva Convention.

If the Democrats have Toyotas, they could recall their brake pedals.

NFL the latest dispute the President won’t dirty his hands with. Still pissed about the Bears.

NFL wants to go back to the plantation system. Worked for a lot of years.

Governor Walker has offered to replace NFL players with Wackenhut general service felons, and do a kind of a Longest Yard thing.

Pope says he will stop wearing Galliano.

In a conciliatory gesture, the Pope commutes Jews’ sentence on the Jesus rap to time served.

Thousands flock to reported sighting of white iPad.

Steve Jobs thinner, lighter, with new processor.

Great and all, but what about the tablets Moses was carrying?

Newt to run on the Hot Tub Time Machine ticket.

Callista just needs to stop at Stepford for a tune-up.

Poor Newt–finally the right wife and there’s no way in hell.

Mike Huckabee decides to stay in the double-wide what with noodling season so near.

Jim DeMint proposes National Private Radio. Already in mourning at Morning Edition, not to mention All Offers Considered. Pure panic at “Wait! Wait! Don’t!”

The live sex demo at Northwestern was necessary because they’re not Wildcats in the bedroom.

Cam Newton figs it at NFL Combine.

Bernie Madoff will work off the Mets swindle by selling hot dogs in a pyramid scheme at Citi Field.

BYU forward Brandon Davies says, if it’s any consolation, it wasn’t that good.

Sirhan Sirhan seeks release now that there’s no Kennedys left to shoot.

German Catholics call for an end to celibacy, rank and file hope it extends to the laity.

Kirstie Alley the new Bristol Palin and then some on Dancing With the Stars.

Galliano and Sheen head out for a night of Jew baiting, and

Christina Aguilera arrested in anthem reprisal . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

how tweet it is @myfeldman

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