Supreme Leader Diana Ross and All the News That Isn’t

Posted April 13, 2015 by mefeld
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4-13-15

It is believed White House computers were hacked by the Chinese because a half hour later you feel like being hacked again.
That and the Emojis popping up in classified documents.

A butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazon and Ron Paul declares for the presidency.

Jeb Bush dice se convertio al hispano por Columba.

On the upside, Californians don’t drink the water.
And Hollywood can make rain.
When California falls into the sea they’ll have all the water they need.

Bovine Growth Hormone found in some mother’s milk. The FDA says know the breast and you should be OK.

Brontosaurus is back, but longer and with fins.

NASA says we’re on the verge of finding an earthlike planet with non-earthlike people.

State of Wisconsin Departments are forbidden to use the phrase “climate change” but may say “don’t like the weather, wait a day.”

Breakthrough Apple Watch puts 20 panic buttons on your wrist then measures your heart rate.

NFL hires its first female office, so there’ll be no need to review her calls.

For the last brick in his legislative edifice Governor President Walker OK’s liquor samples at stores so that every Badger may know what something other than Korbel’s tastes like.
Fear is that at 1/3 of a shot per sample per store it could cause a rash on near-drunk driving.

Hillary Clinton announces her candidacy on a deleted email.

Turns out being overweight cuts dementia risk, so try to remember to stuff yourself.

Iran agrees to peaceful use of nuclear weapons.
Centrifuges will be used to weave carpets.
Kind of worry about negotiating with the place where the word “haggling” comes from.
The only Supreme Leader I recognize is Diana Ross.

Organic molecules discovered in a distant star system twice as expensive as processed molecules.

5 Reasons You Should Buy the Apple Watch:
1. You own Apple stock.
2. That suicide scar on your wrist.
3. You never wear a watch but this is different
4. Muggers won’t take it, and
5. The available Rolex app.

President Governor Walker off on a field trip to 3 pretty cool countries, Spain, France and Germany.
Walker has spent the past few weeks boning up on how to say “Have to punt on that one” in 3 languages:
Tengo que despejar que uno.
Ich muss das man auf Punt, and
Je ai de botte de degagement sur celui-la.

Ce est toutes les nouvelles qui ne est pasindex

No Anabaptists Served and All the News That Isn’t

Posted March 30, 2015 by mefeld
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3-30-2015

Ted Cruz signs up for Obamacare because he’s a mass of preexisting conditions.

Cruz is the guy in the fallout shelter game who never gets saved.
What–he’s going to reproduce with Katy Perry to repopulate the earth? Don’t think so.

Harry Reid will not run again in 2016 which not only frees up the office but the name for an aspiring porn star.

A momentary lull in Obama bashing after George Zimmerman blames him for everything.

Indiana passes the Religious Freedom Act which means a Baptist doesn’t have to serve an Anabaptist.

Utah humane firing squad gives the guy a 50 yard head start.

Nine-foot upright walking crocodile vies for most justifiable evolutionary dead-end with bus-sized salamander having toilet seat head.
A lot of evolutionary dead-ends until what you see before you.

King Richard III re-buried beneath a Leicester car park.

Paul McCartney and Metallica will deadline Lollapalooza. Make that headline.

Land’s End recalls flammable PJ’s as a hazard for kids who smoke in bed.

Ultrasounds show that mothers smoking give fetuses something to do with their hands.

Yemen 51st state solution proposed–come in right after Wyoming.
Kids, Sana’a is the state capital of Yemen.

Mother’s milk now so valuable not unusual to run across a nursing banker.

Israeli PM Netanyahu proposes a two-faced solution in the middle east.

Very close to April Madness. That’s when low productivity at work can’t be explained.

FAA approves Amazon flying-monkey delivery.

Dolce & Gabbana decide to put off having a family.

Chicago Bear’s GM says it’s a good idea to add a quarterback every year, which means in the year 2525 (if Bears are still alive) the Bears will have 514 quarterbacks. One’s gotta work.

After Wisconsin drops to 40th in job growth, Scott Walker to run for President of the Bottom 10.

That’s All the News That Isn’t pictoor083

Hillary Snail Mail and All the News That Isn’t

Posted March 9, 2015 by mefeld
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3-9-15

Congress sings Edelweiss on Homeland Security.
Guard my homeland for more than 3 weeks.

Supreme Court rules Obamacare only applies to Obama.
And the deductible puts it out of reach for him.

Republicans readying Republicare–just fine tuning how warm is staying warm and how many fluids is plenty.

Ancient Mars was 47% red 47% blue and 6% undecided.

McDonalds will stop using antibiotics on its chickens, so be sure to check for rashes on you McNuggets.
Ronald McDonald will continue to be dosed with antibiotics.
And kids stay out of the ball pit.

Netanyahu catapults to top of GOP hopefuls.
His speech to congress wasn’t bad until he got to the Israel Bonds.

Growing belief that Ben Carson is played by Herman Cain.
Ben Carson, MD–man, woman, birth, death, stupidity.
Could say wasn’t brain surgery if he wasn’t a brain surgeon.
Good news: it’s operable; bad news: it’s Ben Carson.

Pretty much impossible to stop Harrison Ford from doing his own stunts.
Indiana Jones was actually a documentary.

The artist who painted Bill Clinton for the National Gallery says the shadow next to him is a lamp hurtling towards his head.

Speaking of Hillary–a billion email addresses stolen and not one is Hillary Clinton’s.
She has so many email addresses that anything from her goes right to spam.
Hillary’s emails will be released just as soon as Bill’s snapchats are pulled out.
Apparently all the references to the Bengnazi committee have disappeared.
Really much ado about nothing: all of Hillary’s important stuff went snail mail.

Keystone pipeline vetoed so advocates must continue to smuggle in sludge in their cuffs.

Just takes a world-wide study of average penis size and I sleep like a baby.
Unless these are, like, minimums.
Penis size is the square of the distance between it and eye level, divided by your weight.

Ringling Brothers is dropping elephants for a line of Chihuahuas standing paw-to-tush of the one ahead . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’tSnail_Mail

A-Rod Note and All the News That Isn’t

Posted March 2, 2015 by mefeld
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3-2-15

CPAC convention over–had to get the Furry costumes back.

Wisconsin governor Scott Walker told the crowd he is prepared to take away collective bargaining rights from ISIS.

Walker got a tumultuous welcome usually reserved for what at first appears to be a police officer who then begins stripping.

Ted Cruz proved how conservative he is by shutting down all bodily functions in an airless bell jar while filibustering for very nearly the entire session.

The conference adjourned after taking a recreational break for croquet with flamingo mallets.

Following his handwritten note to fans apologizing for his behavior, A-Rod began working on a backlog of thank you notes going back to his confirmation.
Have to hustle to be done by opening day.
Doubters said his note was obviously penned by a female, but A-Rod has always dotted his “i’s” with hearts, except for a brief period as a waitress where he used smiley faces.

Apple hints the Apple Watch will be able to open the 7th Seal of the Apocalypse.
So that’s a must have.

Republicans offer to replace Homeland Security with Home Security featuring Spypoint Camo-Cam Trail Cameras and cutouts of Navy Seals.

Madonna goes down at the British Music Awards when her thong gets caught in her walker.
Given a good thong lashing.
Madonna is getting a little long in the thong.

A much-needed victory for President Obama as Washington DC makes marijuana legal.

Showing new sense of defiance to Keystone pipeline advocates (and, possibly, while high) President Obama inserts himself physically into the pipeline in Ontario making it as far as North Dakota where he is siphoned off.

Reexamination of Warren Commission photographs shows that Bill O’Reilly was not on the grassy knoll in Dallas that day in November.

The Rams, Raiders, Chargers, Packers, Browns, Bears, Seahawks, Patriots, Cowboys, Steelers, 49ers, Ravens, Panthers, Lions, Colts and Vikings sign up to play in the proposed NFL-quality stadium in Inglewood, CA, subject to working out the scheduling.

Judge reinstates Adrian Peterson, wife takes wait and see approach.

That’s All the News That Isn’trs_634x820-150217131600-634-alex-rodriguez-letter

Katy Perry Super Bowl Audible and All the News That Isn’t

Posted February 2, 2015 by mefeld
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2-2-15

Super Bowl goal line pick was an audible called by Katy Perry.
That button hook always worked for us in alley play.
A lot of blame for the call–how soon folks forget Seahawk’s coach Pete Carroll’s brilliant bounce-off-defender -on-your-back-bobble-catch call.
Actually was supposed to be a faked field goal.
Poor Russell Wilson has not stopped flagellating himself.
Groundhog Day means the Katy Perry halftime show will keep repeating.

Ted Cruz calls the White House says he wants his drone back.
Actually a government worker–you know how it is, drinking all night, it’s 3 AM, you’re in the civil service, just got this cool drone.
Dude didn’t think in that condition he could personally hop the White House fence.
Not, as first thought, Amazon Prime Delivery.

Mike Huckabee compares being gay to drinking because he’s only gay when he drinks.

Facebook goes down gets 500 million likes.

Mitt Romney had to choose between losing another presidential bid and losing Ann.
The Romney money headed toward the La Jolla estate.

Jeb Bush fills the Romney void with a 5% approval rating–that’s the percentage of the population part of the Bush clan.
Bushes are old school and believe in inherited titles.

Our own Scott Walker scores high with people who’ve never met him.
Or heard any Walker wisdom, e.g. Reagan firing the air traffic controllers led to the fall of the Berlin Wall. Apparently an uncontrolled plane crashed into the Berlin Wall.

Chemists find a way to unboil an egg; making an omelet without cracking one remains elusive.

Obama approval ratings rise in red states when folks believe he nominated Loretta Lynne for Attorney General, fall when they learn it’s Loretta Lynch.

Half of all Americans think the other half is responsible for climate change.
You know, the exhalers, the wind-passers. The ones with the big carbon feet.

Bruce Jenner reportedly transitioning to a man.

New species of dinosaur found in Canada dubbed the Hosersaurus.

Genetically modified consumers have no problem with genetically modified produce.

Here in Wisconsin, Governor Walker will cut UW Madison’s budget by $300 million unless they award him a BS.
The governor said professors should work as hard as legislators, as much as 34 days per year.

That’s All the News That Isn’t_80719483_perry2_getty

Tales From the Crypt and All the News That Isn’t

Posted January 26, 2015 by mefeld
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1-26-15

The State of the Disunion–bad sign when the only applause the President gets is for not running again.
Although “Won both of them” not a bad riposte.
Could have been worse–President Obama skipped over all the golf metaphors: dog-leg to the right, no time for the yips, etc.
Rich paying taxes good punch line.
The Republican response blamed Deflategate on Obama.

Hillary has a double-digit lead over everybody for 2016, or it just may be double-vision from that nasty fall she took.
As long as she stays out of those black frames it’s hers to lose. Which, she’s proved before, she can do.

Joe Biden making noises like Joe Biden.
Tough running against a woman who–put a powdered wig on her–is a ringer for the Father of our Country.
Plugs and a nice set of choppers may not do it for Joe.
People write off Joe Biden but George W proved that a gaffe-a-minute guy can be President of the United States.

Republican rogues gallery filling up–for the debates be using the Tales From the Crypt set.
Big surprise–Romney doesn’t get it.
Missing in action Herman Cain, lovable rogue, and Michele Bachmann, not so much.
Rick Sanitorium.
So far not a squeak out of Paulie Ryan–probably going over the numbers.
Takes him a while–C+ in math at Janesville Parker.

Ayn Rand Paul no Ron Paul, that’s for sure.
Newt got all limbs cut off last time, but this is the first time none grew back.
Mike Huckabee–trailer’s still a-rockin’ so don’t come a-knockin’. That Beyonce coming through the screen?
Rick Perry, still wearing the glassless frames, still to no effect.
Marco Rubio, who’s only asset is that kids very nearly shout-out his name at pool parties.
Chris Christie–only support so far from Bon Jovi’s cousin.

Wisconsin’s Scott Walker is trying to look presidential by taking his first foreign trip ever to the UP.
Walker threw down the foreign policy gauntlet saying Hillary “left parts of the world messed-up.”
Didn’t say which or how, but it’s a start.
Walker will be undertaking a trade-mission to Israel, trying to sell Wisconsin-made Seder plates to the Israelis.
I say, “Molotov!”

The Keystone pipeline debate loses some steam as plummeting oil prices leave oil sludge the same price as ordinary sludge.

Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson is suing President Obama, saying he was hurt by Obamacare because now everybody at the plastics plant thinks health insurance is a God-given right.

Governor President Walker says no casino in Kenosha because some of his best friends are Potawatomies.

House Speaker John Boehner says he’s had it with being tea-bagged by the Tea party.

Oil price plunge forces Halliburton to let Dick Cheney go.

Playing down the whole dynasty thing, Jeb BBehind-the-Screams-Shockumentary-tales-from-the-crypt-19261597-720-540ush now tells people he’s related to the Bush’s Beans people.

That’s All the News That Isn’t

Tina Cancels NY Times and All the News That Isn’t

Posted January 19, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized

1-19-15

Packers play excellent half of football.

Bartender tries to poison Speaker John Boehner’s beer–fortunately, his crying into it diluted it.

Mike Huckabee slams the Obamas for letting their daughters listen to Beyonce instead of his cover of Brown Sugar.

Oil has dropped so low they’re pumping in back into the ground.
The dinosaurs died for nothing!
Makes for some hard choices, though–2 dollars on a gallon of gas or 2 dollars on High Hopes to win in the third.

Now everybody wants to fly to Cuba to pick up a ’57 Bel-Air despite the 4 different colored fenders and John Deere motor.
My brother Clayton, who went to Cuba in 1955 with the Civil Air Patrol, is going back to see if the dancer at the Tropicana is still there.

This will be an odd State of the Union with everybody on one side of the aisle.
And the Republicans sitting with their backs to the President.
Congressman Randy Weber plans to interrupt the President Obama’s speech with Sieg Heils.

Measles outbreak at Disneyland despite the protective four-fingered gloves.

This year’s flu vaccine only protects against the one you get from kissing a pig.

President Obama did not go to Paris because–with all the heads of state there–tee times were all but impossible to get.

The alligator living for 40 years in a San Fernando backyard had been grandgatored in.

Princeton researchers create a laser the size of a grain of rice then lose it in Chinese take-out.

Ohio State’s Cardale Jones not entering the NFL draft in the hope he’ll move up to second string next season.

The official state book of Mississippi will be either the Bible or anything by John Gresham.

A declining Kobe Bryant has already made his reservations for a trip to Pyongyang, North Korea.

Not a single Lego nominated for an Oscar–so much for diversity!

To a smattering of applause Scott Walker tells country club crowd he’s anxious to be the new what-everybody-hates-about-Washington.

On a personal note, my Tina the Puggle has died, leaving me with an existential crisis, since I told her every morning I had to go to work to earn her dog biscuits. Now what’s my motivation?
Cancelled the New York Times because without Tina I don’t need the bags anymore.
Thinking of getting a rescue dog, although I still don’t get whether you rescue them or they rescue you. If it’s the latter, I’m in! Love you, Tina!

That’s All the News That Isn’t tina paws (2)

St Norbert’s Cheerleaders and All the News That Isn’t

Posted January 13, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized

1-13-15

Since Aaron Rodgers passed for 316 yards and 3 touchdowns on one leg the league has adjusted his numbers to 632 yards and 6 td’s for two.
The real question for Packers-Cowboys Ice Bowl 2 was how the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders would hold up under frigid frozen turf conditions compared to the St. Norbert’s girls, covered from head to toe and then some. In the end, nothing got through the St. Norbert’s girls defense.

President Obama blamed for quarter million job gain in December. Mostly golf course attendants and caddies.

President offers free 2 year community college tuition–they’re calling it Obamacollege, although officially it’s The Affordable Herzing Act.

Challenged Speaker John Boehner offered fall-back position as House Chaplain where no one will ever call him “squishy.” He’s not really squishy, he just grew up over a tavern where he learned to cry in his beer at an early age.

The upside of plummeting price of oil are the Rolexes and Mercedes at Saudi yard sales going for peanuts.

New Sony Walkman goes on sale for $1120, which, in 1970 dollars, is far out, man! The cassettes must be a hundred bucks each.

Competition for Space-X as Car-X attempts to put a Geo Metro in orbit.

Colorado “Good to Know” campaign reminds folks to eat it all quick before crossing 385 into Kansas. There’s a rest stop at Burlington for your convenience, and cots and munchies if you need to stay a couple of days.

North Korea has warned theaters not to show the Game of Thrones movie due to the arch villain Kim Jong Joffrey. They’re just upset because of how small Kim looks on IMAX.

Jameis in draftis. Could go firstis.

New wristband tracking device the Felon is the first tracking device that you’re not married to.

More habitable planets found but so far no hobbitable planets.

Fossils on Mars found to just be ancient condoms.

1795 time capsule found in Boston contains Paul Revere’s mileage for the midnight ride. Gotta say it’s padded–it was just a couple of furlongs and he wants 10 shillings?

Rhesus monkey taught to recognize themselves in a mirror cannot be torn away from it, or from signing ‘does this make my rump look too red’?

Looking for whoever squeezed out a 6 foot boa constrictor in a San Diego men’s room toilet–no charges, they just want to meet the guy.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker shows he’s serious about a Presidential bid by hiring ace political consultant Wile E Coyote.

That’s All the News That Isn’tGreen_Bay_Packers_Cheerleaders

2014: 12 Months 12 Jokes

Posted December 23, 2014 by mefeld
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2014: 12 Months 12 Jokes
January: In North Korea, Dennis Rodman dressed as Marilyn Monroe sings Happy Birthday Mr. President to Kim Jong Un.
February: Judge rules Kentucky has to honor same-sex shotgun weddings.
March: Girl Scouts sever ties with Mattel over Barbie’s impossible body type, even though, in scouting, we don’t know the meaning of impossible.
April: Supreme Court goes with Powerball limits on campaign contributions.
May: Lady Gaga’s performance in the UAE will be adjusted to local norms–she’ll perform as usual, but the audience will be blinded.
June: Norwegian bachelor farmers darn close to smiling when Wisconsin’s ban on same-sex marriages is overturned .
July: Good jobs report blamed on Obama.
August: VW recalls 150,000 cars making an achtung noise.
September: What we take away from the Pistorius trial is always ask “Honey, are you in there?” before shooting up the bathroom.
October: 40,000 year-old cave painting deemed derivative.
November: After the Republican sweep Ted Nugent edges closer to Kennedy Center honors, and
December: Now confirmed that was Richard III in the English car park because he was buried under a two door.today-girlscout-barbie-140721_blocks_desktop_large

Ugly Hanukkah Sweater and All the Holiday News That Isn’t 2014

Posted December 18, 2014 by mefeld
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All the Holiday News That Isn’t

 

-Hottest Christmas toy this season for boys anything Minecraft, for girls anything they say it is.

-Starting a new tradition, President Obama will pardon the Christmas ham.

-Those of you spending Christmas in Japan, remember Christmas Cake means sponge cake, but also may mean any unmarried woman over 25.

-Denmark claims sovereignty over the North Pole, but assures children everywhere Santa Claus will be grandfathered in.

-Duggar Family Christmas cards–well, at 14 x 48 foot, billboards, really–have been sent out, but gotten so pricey the list has been cut way down.

-Your neighbor’s Christmas lights are visible from space. Upside is any alien invasion goes next door.

-This year hot holiday clothing means the Ugly Chanukah Sweater, featuring a menorah that runs from wrist to wrist when you hold your arms out.

-Gloria and George ‘Buddy’ Witherow of Symrna, Tennessee, have 50 themed Christmas trees in their ranch house, including the Bob Hope Tree of Golf, a Noah’s Ark tree with 2 of every kind of ornament, and the deck the boughs with Elvis jumpsuits tree.

-Psychologists say that people with blow-up Christmas lawn ornaments are an entirely different type.

-A star in the East this Yuletide means gas has dropped below 2 dollars a gallon, and,

-Governor Scott Walker makes up for his ‘molotov’ gaffe by lighting the giant Magilla in the Wisconsin State Capitol . . .

 

That’s All the Holiday News That Isn’t–Season’s Greetings to You and Yours!ugly-hanukkah-sweater2