Posted tagged ‘hillary’

Hillary Snail Mail and All the News That Isn’t

March 9, 2015


Congress sings Edelweiss on Homeland Security.
Guard my homeland for more than 3 weeks.

Supreme Court rules Obamacare only applies to Obama.
And the deductible puts it out of reach for him.

Republicans readying Republicare–just fine tuning how warm is staying warm and how many fluids is plenty.

Ancient Mars was 47% red 47% blue and 6% undecided.

McDonalds will stop using antibiotics on its chickens, so be sure to check for rashes on you McNuggets.
Ronald McDonald will continue to be dosed with antibiotics.
And kids stay out of the ball pit.

Netanyahu catapults to top of GOP hopefuls.
His speech to congress wasn’t bad until he got to the Israel Bonds.

Growing belief that Ben Carson is played by Herman Cain.
Ben Carson, MD–man, woman, birth, death, stupidity.
Could say wasn’t brain surgery if he wasn’t a brain surgeon.
Good news: it’s operable; bad news: it’s Ben Carson.

Pretty much impossible to stop Harrison Ford from doing his own stunts.
Indiana Jones was actually a documentary.

The artist who painted Bill Clinton for the National Gallery says the shadow next to him is a lamp hurtling towards his head.

Speaking of Hillary–a billion email addresses stolen and not one is Hillary Clinton’s.
She has so many email addresses that anything from her goes right to spam.
Hillary’s emails will be released just as soon as Bill’s snapchats are pulled out.
Apparently all the references to the Bengnazi committee have disappeared.
Really much ado about nothing: all of Hillary’s important stuff went snail mail.

Keystone pipeline vetoed so advocates must continue to smuggle in sludge in their cuffs.

Just takes a world-wide study of average penis size and I sleep like a baby.
Unless these are, like, minimums.
Penis size is the square of the distance between it and eye level, divided by your weight.

Ringling Brothers is dropping elephants for a line of Chihuahuas standing paw-to-tush of the one ahead . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’tSnail_Mail

Groucho Glass and Nose and All the News That Isn’t

May 19, 2014


Like to think I’d do the same as Tara the attack cat in that situation, but you never know. Might just curl up nose to tail atop the frig.

Now if Tara can save the brown dog from being put down–I’m thinking sainthood. St Tabitha?
Kind of overestimating her if they think she’s able to throw out first pitch at a ballgame, though.
I mean my puggle Tina is a great little infielder but can’t make the throw.

Kim and Kanye to wed at Versailles in a “let them eat whatever” ceremony.

Clay Aiken–determined not to come in second again–has apparently killed his opponent to take the North Carolina house seat.

Jeff Koon’s Popeye sculpture sells for $28.1 million, the .1 going to Olive Oyl.

Red Lobster downsized to Red Crawfish.

From somewhere deep in the Brazilian rain forest comes Snowden journalist Glenn Greenwald’s new book “No Place to Hide.”

Google agrees to EU right to be forgotten after suit is brought by a Heinrich Himmler.

Russia annexes International Space Station, now known as Upper Crimea.

In Palestine, Hamas clears out of Abbas’ occupied house, albeit with Mrs. Abbas numbers 2 and 3.

Lady Gaga’s performance in the UAE will be adjusted to local norms–she’ll perform as usual, but the audience will be blinded.

Bucks sold to NY investors–we’ll see if they care to dabble in Milwaukee.

Karl Rove says Hillary is brain damaged—Karl Rove, aka George W’s brain—knows of what he speaks.
Hillary goanna bitch slap some hair back on that muskmelon head of Karl Rove’s.

Red wine doesn’t make you live longer, it just slows you down so it seems longer.
White wine, meanwhile, only makes you eat cheese.

JD Power, not to be confused with JD Byrider, says airline satisfaction has reached an all-time high low.
Fly the indifferent skies of What Can You Do? airlines.

Senator Marco Rubio says even if there is global warming he likes it Hot! Hot! Hot!

No commitment from speaker John Boehner on immigration–he may leave and he may not.

Something fishy with the fish oil study.

Googleglass, trying to lighten up its image, is partnering with the Groucho Glass and Nose people.
Get Elton John to wear ’em they’re home free.

GM has now recalled more cars than it has sold, so they’re forced to recall Fords and Chryslers as well.

34 year-old Texas woman who posed as a 15 year-old high school sophomore was found out when she had hot flashes at prom.

I’m anxious to hear what ex-Clippers head Donald Sterling has to say about the JayZ-Solange situation.
And Beyonce–what? A diva can’t punch and kick her own guy?

New Godzilla movie out. Hey, if it doesn’t have an 18 inch Godzilla model trashing a table-top Tokyo despite a full-sized Raymond Burr, it ain’t Godzilla.