Ted Cruz Pursued by Condom Police & All The News That Isn’t

Posted December 7, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: politics
Tags: , , ,

12-7-15

Good idea but I have to say fake rhino horn is not doing it for me.

Brits send Spitfires against ISIS and Germans send V-1’s.

At the climate talks in Paris–
Russians blame Turks for climate.
Germans blame Jews.
Spanish only come out at night so they don’t care.
English used to a spot of bad weather.
Chinese will control their own climate.
The US Congress will have nothing to do with climate unless it affects tee times.

House Speaker Little Paulie Ryan’s replacement for Obamacare–Ryancare–provides a ride to the ER.
And if he can’t do it his sister can.

Obamacare repeal is on Obama’s desk.
No word yet as to Obama’s action.
Probably a ceremony with a lot of pens so everybody gets one.
Mr. Obama joked he’d leave the Hussein in his signature so there’d be more pens to go around.

Although nobody asked for proof, a 2 1/2 million year old peach pit proves Homo erectus enjoyed a nice peach and that he thought he could just throw the pit anywhere.

Not much point in being born to Mark Zuckerberg if he’s going to give it all away to celebrate.
1% of $450 billion is a lousy $450 million, hardly worth the inheritance tax.
In 20 years $450 million will only buy you a Toyota Yaris.

Former front runner brain surgeon Ben Carson plunging so fast he’s thinking about proctology.

Kids with dogs have less anxiety while dogs with kids have more anxiety.

Bonobo’s –the cousins of chimps–are sophisticated enough to appear on a GOP debate stage.

Ted Cruz says the democrat “condom police” are just going to have to pin him down and roll it on.

At a meeting with black ministers Donald Trump’s rendition of “Mammy” falls on deaf ears.

Kobe gets beef offer from Japan.

Japan refuses to take back the sinking Marshall Islands. Will not bail them out.

Imagine what the Red Sox could have gotten for $218 million!
Will Ferrell maybe. Or a new ballpark already.

With Montenegro in NATO there is dancing in the streets of Podgorica.

Human brains are neither male nor female unless she says they are.

Dinosaurs made nests just like birds only a lot flatter.

That’s All the News That Isn’tsimple clutch

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Dung Beetles Ultraviolet GPS: Whad’ya Know Quiz Annual Report

Posted November 29, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Whad’ya Know Quiz Annual Report
15 Takeaways from 2015

 

1. Ants are sluggards; only 2.6% work all the time, while 71.9% are doing nothing right now.
2. Vaudeville is not dead if Cordon Bleu birds can tap dance while singing their mating songs.
3. A Brit gives you the V sign it’s not for peace or victory.
4. State office workers suffer more from insomnia than hunter-gatherers.
5. 60% of shirt tuckers are happier on the job than non-tuckers.
6. At 421, the Scots have more words for snow than the Inuit, including sneesl, skelf, snaw-pouther, feefle, flindrikin and feuchter.
7. The average coach seat has shrunk as much as the average coach passenger has increased, an inch and a half, with no end in sight.
8. You have to pay a smoker $800 to quit.
9. Bees prefer, in fact crave, caffeinated nectar.
10. The word most associated with North Carolina is cackalacky; with Florida, toad strangler and with Illinois, Grabowski.
11. Dung beetles use ultraviolet variations in light from the sky to GPS their dung balls back home.
12. Drunk vegetarians eat meat 1/3 of the time.
13. People want to hear the bad news first but will give the good news first.
14. The catch to lake frontage on Saturn’s moon Titan is that they’re methane lakes.
15. Fruit flies feel fear, but neither joy nor regret.

Dung Beetle or Scarab Beetle (Scarabaeidae) rolling dung ball, Kenya, Africa

Dung Beetle or Scarab Beetle (Scarabaeidae) rolling dung ball, Kenya, Africa

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Shy Sperm and All the News That Isn’t

Posted November 23, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

11-23-15

White House turkey cut down by hundreds of rounds of automatic fire after being freed.
Still some good eatin’ thought if you pick trough.

On his rearranged map of the US, drawn from memory, Ben Carson gives New Hampshire Atlantic beachfront lengthwise in the hopes it will be a difference maker in the primary.

Trump anti-Muslim tirade is really frustration at his casinos being shut out of the Emirates. Trump Dubai–goodbye.
Trump was a hit of sorts at the Latin Grammies if “cerdo de mierda hijo de puta” means you’re the man.

Allegan and Pfizer merge into Gesundheit.

Innovative junior high “make a terrorist recruiting poster” assignment victim of the times.

Not saying everyone’s jumpy, but somebody on a Spirit flight let one go and they returned to Ft. Lauderdale.
Peanuts, too–the worst.

Genetically modified salmon already brined, smoked and sliced thin approved by the FDA.
And it’s been approved for Passover.

The gene for “bad drunk” has been found but so far no luck finding the “a round for the house” gene.

Dow jumps 150 points–if a world in chaos is what it takes for my IRA, so be it.

Coffee is good for longevity, so your coffee will get cold long before you do.
If you can find a place that still gives free refills you could live forever.

With the new Facebook ‘get off my damn feed’ tool it’s easier to break up without blocking them, which leads to it’s complicated you don’t want.
Now if I can just get my wife on Facebook.

Sad story here in Madison as Little Oscar is found crying in the former Oscar Meyer parking lot after his Weinermobile is repossessed.
Local cows the only ones not sad about Oscar Meyer leaving.

Women want a sperm donor who’s smart and shy but it’s almost impossible to get it from him.

Aids testing up 300% after Charlie Sheen announcement.

That’s All the News That Isn’tscience-test-tube copy

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Amy Sedaris on Whad’ya Know: I Like You

Posted November 17, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized

https://soundcloud.com/michael-feldman-2/amy-sedaris-on-whadya-knowarts_qna2-1_29

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Apostle Starbucks Cup and All the News That Isn’t

Posted November 16, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

To make up for the insult to Jesus, Starbucks will write an apostle’s name on your cup.
Matthew–mocha grande latte skinny no whip.
Just a color scheme. Now zealots are saying Red Green hates Jesus.
Of course, some of us thought the holiday cups should be blue and gold, but we’re used to the slight.
Thought Dunkin’ Donuts Dunkin’ Jesus was in poor taste, though.

Budget deal turns out to be final solution for baby boomers. Cuts to Social Security, Medicare and Viagra coverage.
Wife stopped taking lady Viagra–gives her a headache.

Modifying his rhetoric, Donald Trump now says Ben Carson is the child molester type.
Like a pathological liar can’t be president. Have to be to get that far.
Anyway, you’d thing a pathological blowhard would be a bit more sympathetic.

Day one President Trump will deport Rubio (although the cheerleader can stay) while it’s electroshock for Ben Carson.

We’ll know Marco Rubio has made a breakthrough when kids in the pool answer Rubio! to Marco!

Jeb Bush on Rockstar Energy IV’s.
Left to Jeb, baby Hitler grows to a ripe old age.

Campbell’s recalls 355,000 cans of Spaghetti-O’s for Spaghetti-Type O’s.

At Joe’s Crab Shack now you only have to tip in months with ‘r” in them.

Russia is doped from the top on down. Something in the borscht.

The 2 Chinas are talking, Obama and Netanyahu meet–next my wife and I will enjoy a quiet meal together.

Orange Friday the new Black Friday.
Don’t know what useless thing I don’t want I’m prepared to fight over.

Utah judge’s order reversed and now lesbians are being given babies right and left.

Mormon church says same-sex multiple marriage not needed since we already have football teams and women’s rowing.

Obesity still on rise among Americans but many claim it’s good fat.

Longest Yard Scenario for Packer’s collapse suggests estrogen in their feed.
But, I tell you, they’re a much more compassionate team.
Clinically obese Eddie Lacy benched, but he just snacks on the bench.

The former Scott Walker lets it be known he’s available for vice-presidential duty, but is willing to start in the mailroom.

That’s All the News That Isn’t dollar cup

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Bubbler Questions at Milwaukee Debate and All the News That Isn’t

Posted November 9, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized

11-9-15

Republican candidates furiously boning up for bubbler questions at Milwaukee debate.

The Longest Yard Theory: someone’s slipping female hormones in Packers feed.

At 6 billion dollars Candy Crush crushes Trump.

When it comes to trusting their candidates with nuclear weapons Republican voters say Huey 39%, Dewey 34%, Louie 27%.
Dr. President Ben Carson says he’s already used nuclear weapons.
Would say no more.

More emissions cheating, this time in Porches–but, I swear, as long as I keep my 911 at a steady 25 mph city and turn it off at stops I get 50 mpg. More with a tailwind.

Slumping Whole Foods increases prices to enhance cachet.
Folks finally figured out organic means grown in poop.

GOP riding the transgender bathroom wave hard.
Full court press on transgender bathrooms.
This would not be a problem if everyone just agreed to sit down to pee.

Dr. President Ben Carson says when he was a kid had an 8 foot tapeworm pulled from his head.
Claims it was a record–fact checkers pouring over Guinness Book.

Speaker Paulie Ryan installs wavy mirrors and out of perspective floors and walls in US Funhouse of Representatives.
43 million for the Afghan gas station, but, when you need the gas, you’re glad it’s there.

“Jeb Can Fix It” worst battle cry since the Alamo’s “I Didn’t Hear Nothin’!”

Primatologists find chimps have a mid-Atlantic accent.

Buckeye legalization fails in Ohio.

Ben Carson put a hammer to his Mama’s head because they were so poor couldn’t afford a scalpel.
Explains why, after missing her, he speaks with a quiet voice and makes no sense.

Smaller than a Borneo snail new worst epithet.

ABC newswoman who sat on Donald Trump’s lap being treated for unspecified symptoms.

Non-belief up as more Americans than ever find religion not improbable enough for them.

Day one Dr. President Ben Carson will fill the pyramids with grain.

President George HW Bush–the dad–called Dick Cheney an “iron-ass,” but he’s a little rusty.
The elder Bush also said he never cared for Jeb’s wife.
And that the birth record said Job not Jeb.
Explains a lot–particularly when all his oxen ran out.

Serena Williams runs down an old man who also has a gold iPhone 6 plus.

Ben Carson admits he got a Hotpoint not a West Point scholarship.

Donald Trump says Carson’s mama hammering and friend stabbing just means he’s Mexican.

Mercy killing for the Keystone pipeline–ah, she was a good ol’ sludge hose.

Christie and Huckabee ordered not to come within 5,000 feet of debate stage.
Only going to drive them together like Thelma and Louise.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker comes out of seclusion to attend a Jeb Bush event in Milwaukee because he’s not yet ready for a lot of attention.

 

220px-Bubbler

That’s All the News That Isn’t

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Of An Uncertain Age

Posted November 4, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

You Are of An Uncertain Age If:
* Font is more and more of a consideration
*Your Dagwood Bumstead allusions fall on deaf ears
* You find yourself ending sentences with “. . . like so many of them do now.”
*You sing the song “Till I Was You.”
*Having lived this long you could indulge in any number of extreme behaviors and not have it affect your longevity and yet you don’t.
*You have 12 pack abs.
*Passing women give you a meaningless smile.
*Your children appear to be suffering you badly.
*You can’t remember your mantra or even if you had one.
*Any sagging is not a fashion statement.
*You have many blessings but they’re all in disguise.
*While you have long spoken to (select) inanimate objects, increasingly you engage them in animated conversation.
*Finding your coffee cold you are saddened.
*Your feet embarrass you and almost never make you proud.
*Increasingly, you sound like your mother imitating your father.
* No, you have more of a ‘rhymes with bucket’ list.
* Sitting robed in easy chair with pipe and slippers you dare spontaneous human consumption.

28new1

 

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Trump White House Casino and All the News That Isn’t

Posted October 26, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

10-26-15

Snakes in Hillary’s hair turn Benghazi committee to stone.
Lilliputians fail to stake Hillary down.
Benghazi and Harriet.
Hillary’s only miscue–when asked about her emails–saying “depends what you mean by ‘e’.” Bill’s been coaching her.

Next for the House–the Cubghazi committee.
Takes the Cubs to make the Mets the Yankees.

Bernie ups the ante: free college and refunds to those of us who already paid.

Joe Biden abandons presidential quest, will run for house speaker.
Just have to change chairs at the state of the union.

Paul Ryan’s demands for speaker: long weekends and all school holidays off, government shutdowns by noon on Friday.

After calling Iowans brain damaged from the Monsanto in the corn, Trump handlers tell him, “ixnay on orncay in Ioway!”
Trump only responds to Pig Latin.
Dissing corn could be Trump’s Waterloo, Iowa.

A confident Trump takes out casino gaming license for 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Me, I’m waiting for Melania’s White House tour.

Adele has a new album out “Farmer In.”

Woman who can smell Parkinson’s disease has zero social life.

Secret Service agents caught awake on the job.

Build-a-Bear workshops charged with selling stuffed bear livers to Chinese.

Oprah doubles-down on Weight Watchers.

GOP bill gutting Obamacare will send flocks of gutted to ER.

Dad had a Lincoln Chafee.

Jim Webb AWOL.

Up north, flaming liberal Trudeau wins Prime Minister, bids go out on Great Wall of Canada.
See? Walker was extremely right.

And, a confused and dithering Jeb Bush calls Donald Trump the “false zombie front runner.”

That’s All the News That Isn’t

1792, Washington, DC, USA --- The White House as seen from Pennsylvania Avenue. The White House was built from the design submitted by Irishman James Hoban. The corner stone was laid on October 13, 1792. The footings for the main residence were dug by slaves and much of the work was performed by immigrants not yet citizens. John Adams was the first president to take residence in the White House on November 1, 1800. --- Image by © William Manning/Corbis

1792, Washington, DC, USA — The White House as seen from Pennsylvania Avenue. The White House was built from the design submitted by Irishman James Hoban. The corner stone was laid on October 13, 1792. The footings for the main residence were dug by slaves and much of the work was performed by immigrants not yet citizens. John Adams was the first president to take residence in the White House on November 1, 1800. — Image by © William Manning/Corbis

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All the Nudes That Isn’t

Posted October 19, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

10-19-15

In All the Nudes That Isn’t–

article-1150977-0398B921000005DC-992_468x625 copy
Playboy will no longer feature nudes in the magazine.
Generations of boys will now grow up not knowing what a naked lady does not look like.

Now just Hugh Hefner’s geriatric sex column. The Playboy Devicer.
After the news sales of National Geographic spiked.

First Democratic debate is Big Nurse versus Irascible Codger.
Didn’t quite Feel the Bern, but there was some redness and inflammation.
The fact that Bernie Sander’s wife obviously shops at World Bazaar may have hurt his cause.
Bernie Sanders sweetened the pot with free college and dental–going to get caps all around and go back to school.
The other guys on stage did not leave a name.
One–I believe it was George Webb–was a military man who said that would make him a good Commander in Chief. A military man as Commander in Chief is how we got Idi Amin.
Think the guy from Rhode Island just kind of wandered onstage, waving all those Rhode Island electoral votes.
Empty podium for Joe Biden. Or maybe it was for Elijah on Passover.
How dare the Dems talk about nothing but issues? What was this, a debate?

The new Chevy Volt electric gets 53 miles on one charge, which will get you to Hartford, WI, assuming you’re here, but leave you 1,673 miles short of Mexico City.

The Elk have returned to Chernobyl and feel so good about it they’re just glowing.

With remnants of 10,000 lakes, Mars is what Minnesota will look like in 100 million years.
Apple owes the University of Wisconsin $862,000,000 for using “Jump Around” at their earnings reports.

Apple’s Siri can be hacked and made to say “Look it up your own damn self.”

Global warming sea-rise projections show Brooklyn will be the new Atlantis–all the hipsters will sink in those wool coats. Just silly hats floating where Williamsburg used to be.

In Saudi Arabia, 74 year old Brit gets 350 lashes for having wine, 50 each for body, aroma, hints of, bouquet of, audacity, earthiness and finish.

NASA may have discovered an alien civilization around a strange star . . . the sun!

Oscar Pistorius will get house arrest soon as the bathroom is fixed.

A New York restaurant ends tipping so diners will be forced to draw smiley faces on their own checks.
How about keep tipping, end the cost of a meal?

Sitting for long periods of time does not make death more imminent–unless it’s been several days.
Definitely give a poke after a week.

New VW North America chief quits after 2 weeks, citing fumes.

Dinosaurs were warm blooded one minute, cold the next.
That’s why brontosaurus always wore something around her shoulders.

Here in Wisconsin, the Chippewa will be able to hunt deer at night, but not from cars while blindfolded.
The Chippewa were heavy contributors to the failed presidential bid of Scott Walker.

Scott Walker is a million dollars in debt after his failed presidential bid, but the money will be siphoned out of the University of Wisconsin trust fund.

Scott Walker says he will not run again for president as Scott Walker.

That’s All the News That Isn’t

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Bill of Rights v2.0

Posted October 14, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: politics
Tags: ,

Bill of Rights v2.0

1. Congress shall make no law abridging the Freedom of Guns.
2. The right of the people to Keep, Bear and Use at Will Guns shall not be infringed.
3. Guns shall be taken to mean any such controlled explosive projectile devices now or in the future, including those of Enormous Killing Power currently inconceivable.
4. The Right of the People to secure their Guns and Munitions against unreasonable searches and seizures shall not be violated upon pain of Protected Return Fire.
5. No person acting within Rights enumerated here shall be held to answer for a capital or otherwise infamous crime committed by Guns, whether in War, Peace or Domestic Life, let alone be tried for it twice.
6. In all criminal prosecutions involving Guns, the accused shall be considered acting in Self Defense enjoying the protection of the above and following amendments, unless proven otherwise.
7. In suits at Common Law, where the value of the Guns in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury of Gun Owning Peers shall be preserved.
8. In Gun cases brought to trial despite these protections, bail shall not be required, fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
9. The enumeration in the Constitution of certain inalienable Rights to Guns shall not be construed to deny or disparage other implied Rights of Weaponry of all sorts retained by the People.
10. The limited powers not specifically delegated to the United States by the Constitution are reserved to the People and their Common Good Sense.images

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