Posted tagged ‘guns’

Bill of Rights v2.0

October 14, 2015

Bill of Rights v2.0

1. Congress shall make no law abridging the Freedom of Guns.
2. The right of the people to Keep, Bear and Use at Will Guns shall not be infringed.
3. Guns shall be taken to mean any such controlled explosive projectile devices now or in the future, including those of Enormous Killing Power currently inconceivable.
4. The Right of the People to secure their Guns and Munitions against unreasonable searches and seizures shall not be violated upon pain of Protected Return Fire.
5. No person acting within Rights enumerated here shall be held to answer for a capital or otherwise infamous crime committed by Guns, whether in War, Peace or Domestic Life, let alone be tried for it twice.
6. In all criminal prosecutions involving Guns, the accused shall be considered acting in Self Defense enjoying the protection of the above and following amendments, unless proven otherwise.
7. In suits at Common Law, where the value of the Guns in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury of Gun Owning Peers shall be preserved.
8. In Gun cases brought to trial despite these protections, bail shall not be required, fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.
9. The enumeration in the Constitution of certain inalienable Rights to Guns shall not be construed to deny or disparage other implied Rights of Weaponry of all sorts retained by the People.
10. The limited powers not specifically delegated to the United States by the Constitution are reserved to the People and their Common Good Sense.images

All the News That Isn’t for 9-23-2013

September 23, 2013


This whole bringing a gun to Starbucks ban is so unfair since you can bring your Starbucks to the gun range.

Many the triple venti soy no foam latte has been knocked over by the kick of an AR-15.

Brain eating amoeba suspected in Congressional water supply.

House votes to defund healthcare and defeed poor.
Feeding the poor just encourages them.

Starbucks now says you can pack, but only if you’re happy to see them.
Please use the provided stirring stick and not your baretta to stir your frappuccino.

Too many hotshots get a kick out of showing the barista their baretta.

Knock off fools gold iPhone 5’s flooding the market.
I’m sticking with my Princess phone–it’s little it’s lovely it lights, and it’s gold!

Dow Jones through the roof anticipating government shutdown. Not enough has been said about the great inertia of the American system.

Tennessee judge rules parents can name their baby Messiah but not DeShawn.

Finding a girl deemed good enough for Messiah is going to be tough.

Jewish woman in Tennessee wants to name her baby Mechiah.

CEO of Beanie Babies owes $52 million tax judgment for an offshore account registered to Ally the Alligator.

Pope Francis says everyone should march to their own rhythm method beat.
The Pope also suggested he was open to gay abortion.

Tapering is now off–as with any stimulus gotta leave it in as long as possible.

Older roommate stabbed for endless loop of Eagles’ “Peaceful, Easy Feeling.” Loosened his load.

Facebook “like” is protected by First Amendment! Damn! Those Founding Fathers!

Conservative alternative to Obamacare called Yo’ Mama Care. The patient receives a series of escalating insults from his healthcare provider.

Obama administration trying to counter the widely held misconception that Uncle Sam will personally conduct prostate exams under Obamacare.

John McCain Putin op-ed so good he will have a regular column in Pravda–
human interest, upcoming events, vicious diatribes, outdoor sports . . .
2 columns a week is a lot of space to fill.

Stephen Hawking now says his artificial larynx was speaking for itself when advocating assisted suicide.

We already have assisted suicide–medical care!

The Italian cruise ship Costa Concordia has been pulled up and over onto its other side.

In the Fed handicap Larry Summers out, Suzanne Somers in.

Baby Boomers: $15 trillion in disposable income and not a shirt or pair of pants you can wear.

Tim Tebow to the Grenoble Centaurs in the French 2nd division league.
Foosball wanted him really bad.

Paula Deen has seen The Butler 7 times so far. Cried every time.

Cubs magic number down to infinity.

Herb Kohler’s $6.8 billion something to think about every time you use one.

No medical marijuana for Wisconsin but medical soybeans looking good, and

The naked Milwaukeean stuck in the clinic air duct can easily explain the whole thing . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .


Armed & Teacherous

April 8, 2013

Armed and Teacherous

A report on school safety funded by the National Rifle
Association recommends properly trained armed teachers
flintlock to provide “an important layer of security in schools.”

Scene: Faculty meeting at South West Area Tech High School, Vice-Principal Dan Muller, presiding.

OK, I’ll try to keep this brief, most of you, I know, have drum and bugle commitments. Going pretty well as far as the Armed and Teacherous Initiative. Not unexpectedly, there continues to be an uneven distribution of armament by department: none at all, really, in the English department, with the exception of the heirloom flintlock brought in by Mr. Gladstone–thank you for that, Will, although it is welded and thus more of a visual deterrent. Remains a pretty impressive barrel to stare down. Social Studies and Industrial Arts are, if anything, armed somewhat over the teeth, IA, in part, due to some pretty creative use of metal lathes from the Intro to Ballistics kids–btw, should anybody ask, IB is open only by invitation to those seniors passing both the counselors background check and the NRA youth handling, safety and reloads course. Social Studies, meanwhile, is pretty much populated by deer hunters, accounting for the pervasive smell of deer urine on the second floor west–from their equipment, not so much from Hank and Jerry themselves. The Science Department’s unabashed love for tasers and exotic explosives, while the best example of what applied science should be, can be somewhat problematic in an academic setting, if falling into the wrong hands. And I mean the Math department’s. Hah, just kidding, they’re great with plotting trajectories.
As requested by a number of you, I spoke with both Bill and Ed, who have agreed to stop sticking the .22 (Bill) and the over-and-under (Ed) in with their mops and brooms on their carts, and relegate them to the rack in the furnace room until needed. On the lighter side, Ms. Hotchkiss, from Home Ec, has a neat piece in this week’s bulletin on finding the right little sidearm for gals who may never have handled one before, (but wanted to, Edna?) along with some ideas for “cute little and oh-so-feminine crocheted holsters,” which, she adds, you gentlemen might use, as well, just call it a messenger bag.
One too many accidental discharges in the faculty lounge–enough said, Mr. Kosciusko. Frank, your quick draw reputation was never in doubt, rest assured you have nothing–further–to prove. Really. Let’s leave those safetys on, people. To clarify, again, food service personnel are not to pack anything but lunches. Hey, the food is weapon enough. Just kidding. But it is. For their part, they would appreciate, I am sure, fewer jokes about serving spoons serving as shivs, and cauldrons of boiling oil readied on the parapets, etc, in case of an event. Our thanks go out to food service, since an armed staff teaches on its belly.
Finally, just to refresh, in the event of a security event, you will be alerted over the PA by the phrase “Third hour will shortened, today only, while fourth hour will follow fifth hour, for an all school pep rally.” Need to hear all those words, in that sequence, before assuming your pre-assigned positions. And I don’t mean the couch in the faculty lounge, Herb. OK, that’s all she wrote, let’s be careful out there, people.

(c)2013 Michael Feldman