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All the News That Isn’t

April 11, 2011

4-11-11

Barrack and Tiger stage comebacks, Manny, not so much.

President Obama said, “Americans of different beliefs came together and kicked the living crap out of one another.”

That’s the beauty of the system.

Shutting down the government is all well and good, but don’t underestimate the power inertia.

Came very close to bringing duels back to Congress.

If student councils worked this way we’d never have prom. If the NFL worked this way we’d have the NFL.

All came down to defunding Planned Parenthood, which would’ve have saved very little since they buy their condoms in bulk.

Obviously none these Republicans were planned, or if they were it went horribly wrong.

In a compromise on the major social issue, abortion will be limited to Democrats only.

The final deal made the first deep but not fatal slash of $38 billion–Trump change.

The big stuff is coming from economic genius and B+/C- Janesville Craig National Merit Semi-Finalist Paulie Ryan.

The Path to Prosperity, formerly known as The Road to Ruin.
Even Draconian for Draco.

Medicare will be replaced with Ethical Suicide Parlors and a free last meal from the adjacent Howard Johnson’s.

Medicaid: schnapps on a cotton ball.

In other news–

Trump private dick in Hawaii discovers Obama heir to King Kamehameha’s throne.

Contenders for Wisconsin’s Supreme Court will job share–she in Madison and he in Waukesha.

A few irregularities in the voting as 14,000 votes turn up in a creel in Pewaukee.

NATO says what the heck it was friendly fire. Libyan rebels are advised to wear orange.

Paulie Ryan offers Final Solution for Baby Boomers.

Still no volunteers for Republican nomination. Romney’s waiting on a salamander to tell him to run. Michele Bachman is having second thoughts about being remotely even the slightest bit qualified for the job. Mike Huckabee is reluctant to leave Arkansas with noodling season just around the corner.

They’re checking to see if Stassen might still be alive.

Katie Couric: The Long Colonoscopy Goodbye. First, Iraq for a last ditch attempt at gravitas.

Frankly, she’s at the age where perky is not a bad thing.

Khalid Sheik Yerbooty will get a 21 gun salute at Gitmo.

Southwest Airlines was serious about freeing you to move about the country.
Hey, the bags were flying free.

WI Governor Walker rejects Madison–fortunately, he has no jurisdiction over El Commandante Paul Soglin’s “People’s Republic of Madtown.”

Glenn Beck experiences Rapture, transcends Fox for even fairer and more balanced realms. As it was prophesied, btw.

Trump hair not born in the USA.

In letter to Obama Khadafy calls him “my son” giving some credence to Trump’s claims.

If Trump spoke Spanish he’d be Hugo Trumpez.

Somali pirate sentenced to cabin boy duty on Carnival Cruise featuring Charlie Sheen nightly in the lounge.

Fatal flaw in Google driverless car–you have to search for it, and

Barry Bonds claims it was Botox in the buttocks . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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Election Night in Dairyland

April 6, 2011

Election Night in Dairyland (condensed)

Like one of those downloads that freezes at 99%
May have to dive for some of the late returns in Lake Wausau.
Comes down to a couple on 13th & Rosecrans in Wausau holding the fate of the free world in their hands.
What with the big turnout and all had to go to paper ballots.
I enjoy a nice hand counted ballot.
Dane Co totals are in and McGovern won handily.
The way I see it it all depends whether you make Abbotsford or Colby your bellwether.
Menards vote turns out to be crucial in Eau Claire.
If it’s a tie they could job share.
Pisses me off because I know I reminded 585 people to vote today.
In her first decision Justice Kloppenburg says she’s going home.

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All the Tweets That Isn’t for April 1

April 1, 2011

myfeldman Michael Feldman
Rebecca Black to cover Clint Black.

Walker OK’s trains with proviso they go same speed as in 1931.
Katie’s great but I’d pay to see Michele Bachmann’s colonoscopy.
Artificial dye is safe to eat and possibly even good for you.
Tea partiers calm down! Remember your pressure!
Finger food flying at Tea Party.
Tea partiers hold Republicans feet to the pot.
US afraid of getting dragged into a Khadafy pull.
Gates ranks right behind “Give me Liberty” in great quotes: “Somebody else can do that.”
I take back what I said about leadership as I watch President Obama tell the national clean fleets partnership how he feels.
Unemployment down stock market up–looks like an Obama perfect storm.
They call the wind Obama.
Libyan rebels offer a truce because Misurata loves company.
Kochs going back to using the family name: Himmler.
Walker comes dangerously close to self-doubt.
Thia Megia not related to Mussa Kussa.
Libyan rebels will not be armed but I’ve just saved a ton on my car insurance.
Gates juggles 2 balls.
With the fall of Michigan, the Mason-Dixon line’s all the way up to the UP.
With Wisconsin, Michigan, Indiana and Ohio the South has risen again–in the North.
Let’s think outside the Beltway.
Shutdown? Shut up!
If not a shutdown how about a time out?
If you kids don’t settle down you can forget about your franking privileges.
Might be a good thing to power it down even if they do agree. Maintenance.
Tea Partiers say will hold breath until dead & then u be sorry.
Boehner settles for crap sandwich hold the mayo.
Turns out the foreign minister was all moussa koussa with the US.
In a pickup game Gates would get picked last.
Sign of shutdown: Monica seen getting nails done on K street.
Stay on anti-union law biggest setback for Governor Walker since Marquette suggested he think about correspondence school.
Bonds: Botox in Buttocks.
Nothing good has come out of the presidency since they stopped calling us my fellow Americans.
Donald Trump picking his pants and smelling it.
Scott Walker backs down ruins image.
Most important for Mr. Obama in event of a shutdown is take no interns.
Kind of stimulating to think that in a week things could be running themselves.
Honey, do you know a Moussa Koussa on a toll-free call?
Tea party freshmen clear Barnes & Noble of Robert’s Rules of Order.
Republican nominating convention to be held in Lilliput.

All the Tweets daily @myfeldman

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Feldman Doctrine

March 30, 2011

The Feldman Doctrine

1. Enough with the family vacations–war always breaks out.

2. Don’t start with the Libyans.

3. The tea party is filled with watercress eaters.

4. Walk a mile in your neighbor’s moccasins but wear a thin cotton sock.

5. Next we’ll have to pay banks to keep our money and maybe throw in a socket wrench or stadium blanket.

6. I believe in One World I just don’t believe it’s this one.

7. Things started going to hell when everybody started misusing “literally.”

8. Twitter is more popular than Jesus. Just kidding. But I doubt Mathew could confine himself to 140 characters.

9. We spend too much time thinking about the perfect electronic device and too little thinking about the perfect accessories.

10. The wisdom that comes with age also goes with it.

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All the Nws That Isn’t

March 14, 2011

3-14-11

Governor Walker say union repair bill a great victory for the Fatherland.

At bill’s signing in WI capitol rotunda, released doves smash heads to bloody pulps against dome, rain entrails on Republicans gathered below.

Next target on Governor’s agenda: suffrage.

Walker will replace workers’ rights with workplace banners, “Work Shall Set You Free.”

Dairyland, Dairyland Uber Alles.

The good news–Governor Walker says he was just kidding about the layoffs. Things not nearly as bad as that. Just making a point.

Anyway, nice to see Wisconsin in the headlines for something other than morbid obesity. Binge drinking. Even though now more reason than ever.

Prodigal Democrats return but robins remain massed on the WI/IL border, just short of Walworth. Victims of Governor’s Spring Repair Bill.

Being fined a hundred worms a day.

Walker’s bold new Daylight Saving Plan–turn the calendar back 100 years.

Next, for Wisconsin’s Democrats–the ballot box. Find ’em and stuff ’em.

Total Recall: Get ready for the ride of your life!

Walker says Wisconsinites will get used to the bill and the sterilization act folded into it.

Teachers, meanwhile, give up collective bargaining for Lent.

In All the Non-Glorious Victory News That Isn’t . . .

Defense Secretary Gates taunts Khadafy ‘you want a piece of this?’

President Obama says Khadafy reminds him of bullies in school–all the Kenyan kids who taunted him as being American.

President OK’s Guantanamo control to 5 Flags.

Mr. Obama did say during the Wisconsin crisis, “You never outgrow your need for milk,” which was much appreciated.

The Muslim portion of Rep. Peter King’s tribunal is wrapping up–next, the Methodists.

Rockford wants the WI 14 extradited for damage to their motel rooms and huge unpaid video on demand charges.

Speaking of overreach, what about the Illinois governor abolishing death?

What’s with all the “union bosses” we keep hearing about? Did they find Hoffa?

Wisconsin 14 return, Wisconsin 5,654,774 think about leaving.

Kate Middleton tweets: gtng cld feet.

Jared sprints past Ronald McDonald in fast-food heat.

In Egypt, still no sign of Cairo Spring.

Mubarak seen in Speedo at Berlusconi’s Sardinia place.

Estimate for WI capitol tape cleanup from protests drops from $7.5 million to 12 bucks for a can of Goop.

Signs from the protest will be relegated to state historical society along with teachers and public workers. Make a nice little diorama.

Huge Rally at Capitol marks the first time 100,000 people have gathered in Wisconsin without Bucky Badger doing touchdown pushups on his trampoline.

At rally, Tony Shalhoub and Susan Sarandon plea for bigger celebrities to get involved in Wisconsin cause.

NPR reformats as Easy Listening.

NFL players nix a 52 game schedule saying football not a year round sport.

Apple disclaimer says people who buy iPod 2’s will still grow old and die.

The nice thing about having intelligence head James Clapper on board is the President just has to go–clap! clap!–and he shuts up.

Saif is Naif . . .

And Jessica Biel is going to need a lot of comforting after Justin Timberlake breakup . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Michael Feldman

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All the News That Isn’t

March 10, 2011

All the News That Isn’t 3/10/11

Gang that couldn’t deal straight burns the Reichstag.

Teachers stripped of rights and deloused by Walker shock troops.

Man posing as Governor makes prank speech dissolving state of Wisconsin.

Really had us going there, for a minute. Scotty sure can keep a straight face.

I mean, teachers, cops, public workers, sure–but the recycling? Hah! Good one! Wish I would have thought of it.

Cutting out child nutrition and making breast feeding a misdemeanor–great stuff! You can make this stuff up.

Transitioning to our new Southern lifestyle here in Wisconsissippi will take a bit of getting used to, y’all, but I like the ring of “America’s Beulahland.”

The dairy farms weren’t doing much, anyway–putting ’em in cotton’s the best thing that could’ve happened.

Liftin’ that barge and totin’ that bale on the banks of the Kinnikinnick makes you glad to be way up north in Wixie.

Those majestic pole barn manor houses on the soybean plantations.

The University of Wisconsin–Ol’ Wis, going with football and dropping the academics.

Our new non-union worker’s paradise will–hopefully–soon attract a Kia or a Hyundai. So far just a Payday America and a couple of Waffle Houses, but it’s a start!

Thank you, Big Daddy!

And in All the Non-Wisconsissippi News That Isn’t . . .

House defends marriage which is more than she ever did.

Obama tells Khadafy “stop it right now, mister. Don’t make me stop this car!”

Libya rebels push a giant Trojan Ukrainian nurse into Tripoli.

Economy turns corner for third time, finds itself back where it started.

Wisconsin outlaws prank phone calls, orders arrest of Bart Simpson.

President Obama takes scalpel to eviscerated budget carcass.

Wisconsin Republicans send posse across Illinois border to round up fugitive Democrats claiming asylum under the Lake Geneva Convention.

If the Democrats have Toyotas, they could recall their brake pedals.

NFL the latest dispute the President won’t dirty his hands with. Still pissed about the Bears.

NFL wants to go back to the plantation system. Worked for a lot of years.

Governor Walker has offered to replace NFL players with Wackenhut general service felons, and do a kind of a Longest Yard thing.

Pope says he will stop wearing Galliano.

In a conciliatory gesture, the Pope commutes Jews’ sentence on the Jesus rap to time served.

Thousands flock to reported sighting of white iPad.

Steve Jobs thinner, lighter, with new processor.

Great and all, but what about the tablets Moses was carrying?

Newt to run on the Hot Tub Time Machine ticket.

Callista just needs to stop at Stepford for a tune-up.

Poor Newt–finally the right wife and there’s no way in hell.

Mike Huckabee decides to stay in the double-wide what with noodling season so near.

Jim DeMint proposes National Private Radio. Already in mourning at Morning Edition, not to mention All Offers Considered. Pure panic at “Wait! Wait! Don’t!”

The live sex demo at Northwestern was necessary because they’re not Wildcats in the bedroom.

Cam Newton figs it at NFL Combine.

Bernie Madoff will work off the Mets swindle by selling hot dogs in a pyramid scheme at Citi Field.

BYU forward Brandon Davies says, if it’s any consolation, it wasn’t that good.

Sirhan Sirhan seeks release now that there’s no Kennedys left to shoot.

German Catholics call for an end to celibacy, rank and file hope it extends to the laity.

Kirstie Alley the new Bristol Palin and then some on Dancing With the Stars.

Galliano and Sheen head out for a night of Jew baiting, and

Christina Aguilera arrested in anthem reprisal . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

—
how tweet it is @myfeldman

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Nora Feldman Walker-teachers cartoon

March 9, 2011

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Wisconsissippi

March 3, 2011

Wisconsissippi Revisited

While it may have been an unintended consequence of the Spartan yet over-reaching state budget of defunded mandates and vestigial unions, Wisconsissippi’s transition to a Southern state of mind begins to appear, Bless Betsy, about as natural as nature intended. I don’t just mean the slower pace on the street despite wind chills likely to freeze your boiled peanuts, or even the lingering doorway goodbyes that have all but replaced the abrupt “later’s” once common to these parts, but the very notion that maybe we had been saving at the spigot and letting it run out the bunghole, something a body cannot abide.

The very countryside is changing in America’s Beulahland, from the stately pole-barn manor home on a soybean plantation in Brule, to a once troubled dairy farm in Richland Center, now in cotton, to the sounds of barge totin’ and bale liftin’ from the banks of the mighty Kinnikinnick. The corn that used to go into feed (we still keep a few cows, for ornamental purposes, along the highway) go straight into hominy. It’s no small point of pride that pretty near every dollar saved on teacher and public worker benefits have gone into stocking the catfish farms, which are going pretty good, even if the fish tend to dice when you blow ’em up to the silo. The magnolias may be struggling but the kudzu has pushed all the way up to the UP.

Folks are changing as well, having adopted Southern mannerisms, such as ancestor worship, so that we now tailgate in the graveyard in Ashwaubenon before Packer games, and we hold onto all of our last names on both sides: the Des Peres phone book is filled with John Peterson Hanson Johnson’s and all the permutations. “Wixie” is played at every  game and Nascar event, although we’re not supposed to sing the words due to sensibilities. Priorities have been readjusted in education: at our crown jewel university, Ole Wis, the mission today is less sifting and winnowing and more blocking and tackling.

The benefits have been mutual, we’d like to think, now that our progenitor, the Great State of Mississippi, no longer axiomatically comes in 50th in education, health care and social services. Since the rise of Wisconsissippi, the ejaculation “Thank God for Alabama!” we’re told, has just about disappeared from casual discourse at Bumper’s Drive-In in Yazoo City. For us, of course, the hope is to share in the promised bounty, the day when our workers paradise will attract a Hyundai, or a Kia, or a Ginsu Knife. To date, there’s just the  Payday America and a couple of Waffle Houses (for us, taking your grits the hard way). We firmly believe in the principle “deconstruct it and they will come,” and don’t, for a moment, miss the entitlements of the “Forward” days of thinly-veiled Scandinavian socialism–it’s like Big Daddy says, “Forward depends on which way you’re facing.” And we’re heading South.

Michael Feldman

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All the Non-Wisconsin News That Isn’t

February 28, 2011

All the Non-Wisconsin News That Isn’t

James Franco remakes Freaks & Geeks at Academy Awards.

Porky Pig accepts for King’s Speech

Cam Newton figs it at NFL combine.

1 in 5 banks finished 2010 with a loss as opposed to 5 in 5 of their clients.

Handwriting on the wall as Ukrainian nurse deserts Khadafy.

The thing is, he’s a Bedouin. They’re nomadic. One morning he–and the goats–will just be gone!

After Khadafy–Khadafy Duck.

The Tripoli Starbucks says it knows nothing about any coffee pills.

Rick Santorum’s mouth moving for no reason.

RNC scientists attempting to splic together Republican presidential candiates to get something halfway decent.

Vatican says no communion for NY Governor Cuomo, living in sin with foodie Sandra Lee–but, surely, a nice wine!

Glenn Dreck says something about the Jews.

Justin Bieber gets haircut, loses magical powers.

Then there’s the country singer, Lady AgAg. That’s fresh meat she’s wearing.

Paul Mc Cartney’s debuts ballet Rocky Raccoon Lake.

iPod 2 has wings, twice the absorbency.

Shuttle Discovery breaks out of earth orbit, goes for it.

English sighting of Loch Ness monster just Charles doing the back float.

Cell phone use stimulates brain cells, although you wouldn’t know it from the conversations.

And the UPS replacement for diesel fuel is big and brown . . .

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All the Wisconsin News That Isn’t

February 26, 2011

All the Wisconsin News That Isn’t

In a daring Blazing Saddles move, Governor Walker tells the throng, “pass this bill or Scotty gets it!”

Then, inexplicably, he says “Mr. Gorbachev, tear this wall down!”

And something about outsiders from Nevada putting hallucinogen pills in teachers’ coffee.

Vows to pass a raft of regressive legislation and rename the state Wisconsisippi.

The Race to the Bottom.

Probably shouldn’t have called the package Killzone 3.

Something very bad happened to Scott Walker in 4th grade, and it’s been festering ever since.

It’s been tough, though. How do you answer a first grader who wants to know why the Governor wants to hurt Mrs. Rose?

Instead of earrings and perfume, a lot of teachers will be getting pepper spray and nunchucks this Christmas.

When the sleepovers are over, the Capitol will go up for sale as a nice little fixer-upper. The Koch brothers might pick it up for an Eagle’s Nest retreat for the governor.

Governor Walker’s fireside chat was a good idea, but I thought the cauldron was a bit much. Eye of math teacher, liver of blaspheming counselor. . .

Didn’t work when Khadafy tried it either.

You know a guy who takes the same sandwich for 22 years is not about to change his mind. He’s still driving a Saturn.

The governor does have a lot of supporters; little do they know, they’re next.
Everything must go!

Meanwhile, poor Senator Fred Risser–an 84 year old man–living out of a suitcase at the Rockford Clock Tower Resort and Water Park.

The errant Wisconsin senators are out of toiletries and towels, ate the expensive nuts out of desperation, and the cable sucks.

Try to slip home for a nap and the neighbor calls the cops. And you better believe they know which neighbor.

Wisconsin State Troopers, meanwhile, have withdrawn their support of Walker–better watch your speed on I-94, guv, if you can do more than 65 in that Saturn. Especially out there by the Patrol headquarters in Waukesha.

Democrats’ counter-proposal is that the governor work for merit pay.

Anticipating the loss of benefits, teachers are telling the kids to bring their own Kleenex and hand sanitizers. Hall passes–$5 bucks.

A huge number of kids have been out protesting for teachers, who, they can only hope would do the same for them should conditions arise.

Governor Walker has not ruled out faith-based collective bargaining. I assume his wife Tonette will handle that.

Wisconsin, Indiana, Ohio: Austria, Poland, France. I’m just saying.

If firing the air traffic controllers brings down the Berlin Wall, I’m in favor of it, but it looks like whatever happened to young Scotty must have been in Social Studies class.

Middle West unrest drives milk higher. Many farmers are milking over their heads.

Illinois is the new Switzerland.

Wisconsin Governor Walker pranked by someone claiming to be the ghost of Christmas past.

Ukrainian nurse stands by Governor.

And, in the spirit of sacrifice, Governor Walker says he will cut back to ham & cheese on wheat, hold the mayo.

That’s All the Wisconsin News That Isn’t

Michael Feldman tweaks the WI state capitol.

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