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Norwegian Wakes Up Swedish & All the News That Isn’t

July 22, 2013

7-22-13

Norwegian man wakes up Swedish, thinks he’s in hell.

Panda mother of twins says please, no more stuffed pandas.

Kate imagines she’s lying on a beautiful beach, waves rhythmically lapping.

As Cassini spacecraft takes picture of earth from Saturn many mistakenly wave at Uranus.

Home builder confidence up after a pretty bad spill from the roof.

Housing starts up, finishes, not so much. Get to it when I get to it.

Some danger of Consumer Over-Confidence.

Fed head says will hand out G-man badges, Dow goes through roof.

Florida passes Stand Your Sinkhole law.

House passes stay warm, drink plenty of fluids Askmeificare health plan.

Bad news: Detroit in bankruptcy, good news: Malibus 10 cents on the dollar.

Given calorie guides McDonalds patrons eat them.

President Obama says he sees self in young North West Kardashian.

The President says women in elevators still clutch their purses when he gets in, but once they see it’s him they take out their compacts.

Snail facials make snails look years younger.

Cooperative Edward Snowden given access to duty-free at Moscow airport.

Same sex marriage law in Britain theoretically allows Queen to marry another Queen. (In the UK it’s same sex, same class).

Ancient earth was extremely hot but it was a dry heat.

Keith Olbermann returns to TV as lottery ball-picker.

Auto tag surveillance raises hackles of American Civil License plate Union.

Rolling Stone magazine boycotted after Neil Diamond jump suit cover.

Scandal rocks pseudo-sports world as rhythmic gymnastics turns out to be big joke.

Revelation that J.K. Rowling wrote Book of Mormon.

World’s oldest calendar extremely out of date; still has Arbor day last week of April.

Public radio host turns up in Biogenesis appointment book.

Obesity gene unable to skip generations.

Missouri first graders now have NRA gun class right after naptime.

House not only does away with food stamps but makes couponing a felony.

Mailman receives Emmy in yet another Netflix victory.

Tibetan monks make sand mandala with 3D printer. Print one grain at a time.

Smokey the Bear sequestered–smoke ’em if you got ’em.

In Milwaukee, 72 year-old Paul McCartney rocks stadium with “I Saw Her Wobbling There.”

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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Tampax in Teapot & All the News That Isn’t

July 15, 2013

7-15-13

As Russian dissident leaker Edward Snowden entitled to post at Harvard.

Reasonable dolt frees George Zimmerman.

US and China have deep differences on Hunan rights.

White House to decide whether Egypt coupe or sedan.

Leaked report says Pakistan intelligence had bin Laden salmon fishing in the Yemen.

Safest seats in airline crash are in back of the Greyhound.

Asiana now least popular baby girl name.

47% of babies have flat spots on heads, curiously the same % that grow up to be Democrats.

After aborting governorship late in term, Rick Perry says he intends to pray and just join the occasional posse.

Porn actors say measure requiring condoms violates prior restraint.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck now the Einstein of Fox & Friends.

Many at the Fed believe in self-stimulus.

Tribune gets out of newspaper business; Tribune Tower will be used for grain storage.

Justin Bieber relieves self in restaurant mop bucket to prove what a lame bad boy he is.

Appendix says Elton John nearly killed him.

Lowered arsenic levels take the kick out of apple cider.

Senate compromise on student loans creates Indentured Students Act allowing students to work off loans as serfs.

With rise in Mexican obesity North America now pear shaped.

Mental performance of 90 year-olds improves, but it’s touch and go until then.

Mets decide not to honor Native Americans during Braves home stand.

Former Laker Metta World Peace seeks asylum in Russia.

Derek Jeter gets up too quickly from chair, back on disabled list.

Women protesting abortion restrictions in Texas senate have tampons confiscated: a Tampax in a teapot?

Don’t mess with Kotex, Tex . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t

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Snowden Wants Per Diem for Airport Stay & All the News That Isn’t

July 1, 2013

July 1, 2013

A contrite Paula Deen says “when those cotton balls get rotten, you can’t pick very much cotton.”

Claiming she was misquoted, Ms. Deen then went on to say “mammy’s little baby loves shortnin’ shortnin’.”

His dad says Ed Snowden wants his job back, an upgrade to GS-8, and a per diem for his stay at the Moscow airport.
And a new headshot–that’s non-negotiable.

Lance Armstrong says its impossible tow win the Tour de France without doping; as a result, no one wins the Tour de France.

Still, you gotta believe it’s possible with the right dope. Just no longer you, Lance.

Armstrong believes he’s still the Tour record holder and that he’s irresistible to women.

500th execution in the Right to Life state, Texas.

Governor Rick “Hang Em High” Perry explains the right to life expires at birth. A little slap on the behind and good luck!

Roger Federer loses at Wimbledon after his Flubber shoes are banned.

The Supreme Court ends its historic session with justices Scalia and Roberts hand in hand.

On the downside, the Voting Rights Act is now the Voting Wrongs Act.
All because no one had the courage to tell Clarence Thomas he is black.

While President Obama travels in Africa, Jamie Foxx slips into the White House. And the Whitehouse is Down with Dat.

Paula Deen has offered to cater for the Obamas for their remaining 3 years. Reparations.

Voyager 1 has second thoughts about leaving the solar system, heads back.

While the 700,000 year old grey mare ain’t what she used to be, her genome is. It is now possible to clone one sway back old nag.

Fed Chief Ben Bernanke to be replaced by George Zimmer, formerly of Men’s Wearhouse.

Snowden trade for Yakov Smirnoff reportedly in the works.

Snowden spotted returning carts for deposit at Moscow International.

If the UAE buys the Empire State Building it will be the United Arab Empirates State Building.

Breast feeding said to boost the ability to social climb and open a beer bottle with your teeth.

Paula Deen tapped for 50 Shades of grey, blue, yellow and pink.

And, with the Pittsburgh Pirates having the best record in baseball, many theologians see the opening of the 7th seal of the Apocalypse. . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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Yeezus Is Yust All Right & All the News That Isn’t

June 24, 2013

6-24-13

At the Brandenburg Gate President Obama calls for a concerto.

If something bad comes out of this speech it will be Brandenburggategate.

In a stirring speech President Obama tells Berliners “Ich bin ein Fahrvergnugen.”

The meeting with Putin did not go well after the President opens with a Super Bowl ring joke.

Wasn’t only that Putin took the Super Bowl ring but he was wearing it around his neck.

House eliminates abortion except in the case of Democratic parents.

Plan to lasso asteroid shot down by the House No Ways and No Means Committee.

NSA director testifies before the House Intelligence Committee, then has to kill them.

House Intelligence Committee: there’s a tough committee to staff.

Taliban negotiations–after shaking hands remember to check all your extremities.

Putin leaves the G8 summit with 3 Rolexes and a Louis Vuitton bag.

NATO hands off Afghan security to Iraqis.

Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski backs same-sex marriage because anything is better than Verne.

Dolce & Gabbana sentenced to jail for one horrific pair of frames too many.
Love Dolce, hate Gabbana.

Miley Cyrus says the pot is for the cataracts.

AMA says obesity is a disease but large-boned is a roll of the dice.

Undocumented workers to install 700 miles of border fence.

A good start, but it would be nice to fence the coasts in case they come by sea.

One does have the sneaking suspicion all the border agents are to keep us in.

Paula Deen’s “N” word is NutraSweet.

Paula’s Apple Brown Betty has been expunged form the Food Network recipe book.

Fed chairman Ben Bernanke will turn up in Hong Kong next.

Supreme Court, defend your own damn marriage! Especially you, Clarence.

Leaker Snowden in Ecuador after packing for Iceland.

For those whose brains aren’t comes the 3D brain.

A 3D printer prints a 3D printer which prints . . .

The Girl from Ipanema Barricades latest for Jobim, and

Kanye’s new song Yeezus is Yust All Right with Me . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t
putin-super-bowl-ring-football

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Whistling Hitler Tea Kettle & All the News That Isn’t

June 17, 2013

June 17, 2013

Too bad about the Supreme Court decision–I was hoping to patent my genes for Father’s Day.

The good news is that not a single Supreme Court justice will be able to patent his or her genes.

Leaker Edward Snowden appears on the Chinese 10,000 Yuan note.

The NSA is rethinking its strategy of hiring security contractors from guys standing around the Home Depot lot.

Turkey illustrates why fewer and fewer countries are now building squares.

Challenged on their stop and frisk policy, New York City police will now frisk on the go.

The guy eating ice cream out of the machine and the guy licking the tacos are not the same guy. Good news is they will not be able to patent their genes.

The Wisconsin assembly passes a bill allowing your to stick donations right in your representatives g-string. After an ultrasound.

The immigration bill is hung up on migrating birds.

Penny’s whistling Hitler tea kettle re-design looks very much like Stalin.

The Census Bureau says Asians are the new Hispanics.

Tomato sauce good for the prostate but hard to slather on.

Turns out a chemical in food packaging is what makes you fat, so you may as well throw away the contents.

Study finds hands-free head banging still a driving distraction.

US tells leaker Edward Snowden he may be a Publishers Clearing House Winner, but must accept the giant plywood check in person.

The Putins divorce–Lyudmila gets everything east of Vladivostok. Turns out to be the Sea of Japan. Big opportunities in divorce law in Russia.

And, Rupert and Wendi Murdoch divorce, because frankly, she’s not getting any younger . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . . .
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Zumba Bumba Bumba & All the News That Isn’t

June 3, 2013

6-3-2013

A warning to early-adopters of self-driving cars–they tend to keep going without the self-parking option.

And watch out for the self-driving police cars.

Michelle Bachmann returns to her native soil.

Bachmann’s retirement leaves the Tea Party with just the front half of the horse.

6 billion Simolians laundered through Sims House Party.

Chinese baby: was it sewercide?

Walmart–everyday highly toxic waste. But, made in the USA!

On the ricin pen-pal front–a guy in Shreveport with a load of castor beans in his F-150 shouldn’t be too hard to find.

Ann Romney says she’s very, very partial to Paul Ryan, and in every, every way.

The Chinese buy Paula Deen.

Obama and Christie in another taffy pull on the Atlantic City boardwalk, to shouts of “get a room!”

Maine dance instructor gets 10 months for Zumba Bumba Bumba.

With Nike out of the picture, Livestrong to go with Ball Jar Rubbers.

Travelers to Mars advised to pack 1 million SPF sun block.
And, of course, your Oakleys.

The 100 millionth iPod sold brings the total up to $10 in taxes.

Guns labeled environmentally friendly go unsold.

Former Senator Bob Dole says he would not hold the current Republican Party’s pen.

$600 for a Stones ticket–with the Oxygen tank rental, comes to quite a pretty penny for the evening.

For the more sophisticated taste–Google under Glass.

Lunar industry staying up nights trying to keep up with the Solar industry.

Asteroid misses earth by so much its laughable.

Rise in consumer confidence not related to the economy. Just a nice day, kid weren’t screaming.

UPS to go with Big Brown drones.

Cruise passenger Bill of Rights: you can jump, eat the buffet before it spoils, or take your chances in a dinghy, and

It is now possible for a gay young man to be openly Boy Scout.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

zumba gold davie florida

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Pacifier Sucking and All the News That Isn’t

May 13, 2013

5-13-13

Only makes sense tax protestors should be tax exempt.

Claim John Adams as a dependent you’re going to get audited.

What’s with Chris Christie? Suddenly he’s not jolly.

After weight loss surgery, New Jersey governor Chris Christie down to Delaware governor.

Looks like a painfully thin Chris Christie in 2016.

President Obama on Syria–50 shades of red line.

Getting nowhere on Benghazi Republicans turn to Ben Gay.

ATM cyber-thieves in the process of stealing 45 million in tens.

Heritage Foundation’s 6 trillion dollar tag on immigration actually the cost of sending everybody back. Including the Heritage Foundation.

In Jerusalem, the Wailing Wall controversy solved as women are allowed to use the Kvetching Wall.

All that racket is the cicadas saying “has it been 17 years already?” at once.

Samsung’s new phone so smart it carries you around.

Bill moves forward in congress to make Pay TV Pay-Up-the-Wazoo TV.

Sincere version of Springtime for Hitler staged in Germany.

Average American can only retire when he’s ten years dead.

The “like the smell of your own” phenomenon: Americans hate congress, like their congressman.

Parents who suck their babies’ pacifiers risk projectile vomit retaliation.

People with dogs have a reduced risk of cardio-vascular disease but an increased risk of heartworm.

Pfizer will now sell Viagra online with misspelled sexually suggestive spam supposedly from someone you know.

President Obama says we have not yet crossed the red line where he makes the Jacksonville Jaguars take Tim Tebow.

Kobe Bryant sues his mom for Mothers Day, even though the damage is long done.

Under the new law in Minnesota, Minneapolitans can marry St. Paulists.

Stamp prices up again–worth a run for congress just for the franking.

Visiting Prince Harry manages to keep tunic on and curtains closed, but its only day 4.

At the movies, it’s Great Caesar’s Gatsby in 3D!
The Great Kool Aid Acid Test Gatsby.

Although Fitzgerald did write Gatsby for Viewmaster.

Governor Walker meets with the Dali Lama to see about getting some of that mandala work here in Wisconsin.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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Rosemont Cubs and All the News That Isn’t

May 6, 2013

5-6-13

Pope Emeritus Benedict returns to the Vatican’s mother-in-law cottage.

One more pontiff and it’s the papal hat trick.

Rival group to Planned Parenthood formed: Crapshoot Parenthood.

President Obama proposes a path to citizenship that’s not across the river on someone’s back. Or a mad dash across 805 at San Diego.

Republicans try to keep a balance between keeping everybody out and getting the votes of those who slip through.

Jamestown remains suggest John Smith ate Pocahontas.

After one gun goes off at NRA convention, the hall erupts in mousetraps and ping-pong balls.

Following Jason Collins announcement, America waits for the first openly gay CPA.

Big breakthrough for basketball–this means at least 2 guys on the bench and an assistant coach are gay.

Son can’t hold a job so Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands abdicates.
But, you know, if monarchy means Queen Maxima–let’s do it!

It is now possible, using a 3D printer, to print a gun and all the organs it pierces.

If she gets out of this. Jodi Arias a shoo-in for Bachelorette. Possibly Dancing with the Defendants.

Mark Sanford takes another break from the campaign trail for the Appalachian trail. Who knew it went all the way to Argentina?

Anthony Weiner shows slight poll rise.

Apple bonds offered one-to-one for Packer stock.

Some concern that High Alert What a Buzz Whoa! gum may have caffeine in it. I prefer Climb the Walls with Your Nails gum.

Whatever–it is a convenient way to take your coffee.

Golfer V.J. Singh says his deer antlers get all dried out without the spray, but he has cut back on the rhino horn.

In child rearing news, President and Mrs. Obama say not to tattoos but will look the other way on Plan B.

Of course, if your druggist is opposed, it’s on to Plan C.

New York Yankees seek Medicare expansion.

Word out of Chicago is that next season it’s the Rosemont Cubs.

Survey finds 2 out of 3 Supreme Court justices can’t name a single American.

White House furloughs hit calligraphers hard, and

Turns out a lot of guys have “Terrorista #1” plates, but not nearly as many as “DumbAss #1” . . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
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All the News That Isn’t

April 29, 2013

4-29-13

If they don’t want these drones shot down they’ve got to paint them partly cloudy.

George W Bush becomes the first C-plus English student with his own library.

Mr. Bush was thrown out of the George W Bush Presidential Library for horsing around.

Big hit at the new library was the flight jacket and victory banner display.

Hall of bad art was a big draw.

Only reference to Iraq was Saddam Hussein’s Zippo lighter he used in the spider hole.

Do have a nice little biodiesel converter you can feed switch grass into.

Nice to see Barney again.

TSA knife policy on hold after mumblety-peg incident in break room.

Air controllers back but pilots furloughed.

TSA willing to get invasive on their down time.

The Associated Press was hacked but how smart was it to use asspress for a password?

Bill Clinton on twitter immediately followed by @monicalewinsky.

Mortgages down to 2.6%–if I thought I had 15 years I’d get one.

Dems streaming down ropes from sinking ship of state.

At traffic stop, Reese Witherspoon gets only cop who hasn’t seen Legally Blonde.

Thatcher tomb found vacant with rock rolled back.

Elvis leaves federal building.

Durable goods plunge as people don’t expect things to last.

NRAARP for old gunslingers.

Gold is down so I guess I’ll keep the fillings.

White House Science Fair called off due to castor bean project.

Correspondents dinner proves President Obama would be doing a lot better if this whole thing were a joke.

Syria says chemical is actually Roundup for the broadleaf.

Justin’s career spin; is he Amy Winebieber?

Syrian Electronic Army vs. People’s Liberation Army Unit 61398 in the hacker finals.

If there are wmd’s in Syria time to invade Iran.

Manti taken in by nice family.

Non-union ding dongs shall never pass these lips.

Clenching of the fists aids both IQ and BM.

Monkeys understand the more obvious social gestures, such as red rump in your face and fecal hurling.

Koala chlamydia–what happens when everyone wants to hug you, and

In the new Guys & Dolls, Channing Tatum a natural for Nicely Nicely Johnson . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
oldclint

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All the News That Isn’t –Regular and Good

April 22, 2013

4-22-13

In a special tribute Margaret Thatcher is interred next to Richard III in the car park.

What kind of message does it send when the highest level of American representation at the Thatcher funeral is Kissinger, Cheney and Bachmann?

Suspicious substance sent to President Obama turns out to be Nicorette.

Ricin letter season again. Like the annual Christmas saga letters.

Ricin testing takes 48 hours–they should use instant ricin.

After a really bad week the White House looks more like the Alamo.

Wayne La Pierre never picked up a check, background or otherwise.

Lost in all this is that Ann Curry was treated really badly on the Today show.

Latest in wearable technology: Google Spanx.
Google Retainer hinted at.

Incarceration way up at Shanghai Technical Prison anticipating all the iPhone 6 work.

Wisconsin’s Governor Walker has opened an office in China so he’s able to count Chinese prison labor in job count. 1 billion new jobs!

Immigration bill comes to floor with big asterisk next to Chechnya.

After all the flooding, Chicago’s sister city now Venice.

McDonalds’s earnings flat after something funny about the pickle slice.

iPhone’s Siri only keeps your data two years, but by then has told all her friends.

Carnival Triumph upgraded with 23,000 gallon jugs tied to the rail. Hopefully, they’ll remember to put the caps on.

Given the weather, it’s surprising the dead groundhog thrown into the Pennsylvania bar was not Phil.

I shot Musharraf but I did not shoot the deputy.

Manti Te’o expected to go in first round of fantasy draft, and

A challenging auditorium program coming up telling 6th grade boys why they’re getting cervical cancer shots.

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

But, wait, there’s more–because we need it, and USA Today doesn’t provide it anymore . . . .

All the Good News That Isn’t:

Bighorn sheep are back in the Sierra Nevadas.

Gold is more affordable.

One way ticket to Mars suddenly appealing.

Probably no one you know made the Chicago Tribune’s mugs in the news.

The boat with the protected species didn’t hit the coral reef all that hard.

You can now show the officer proof of insurance on your iPhone.

Maggie’s back with Dennis.

Big turnout at 4:20 on 4-20 behind the equipment shed on the practice field.

Should be a shipload of spring flowers, and

Jennifer Aniston seems happy.

. . . That’s All the Good News That Isn’t . . . .

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