Posted tagged ‘snowden’

Mars all Wet and All the News That Isn’t

February 17, 2014

2-17-2014

Winter storm General Sherman rolls through Atlanta–but the South will plow again!

Weather Channel needs to think more about naming these storms.

Everybody talks about the Weather Channel but nobody does anything about it.

They make fun of Atlanta but, you know, we’d have the same problem up here with a heavy accumulation of grits.

Then, New York City buried by 2 inches of snow. Barely see the top 102 floors of the Empire State.

But what stories New Yorkers will have about the Dusting of 2014.

At Sochi, unusually warm weather for the Winter Olympics results in a Speedo Trial Event.

The girlfriend of French President Hollande sits at the kid’s table during White House dinner.

Where the kids enjoyed hastily renamed Freedom Fries.

Astronomers suspect flowing water on Mars because every time they look at it they have to pee.

Dumb Starbucks spurs a rash of dumb including Dumb Home Depot, Dumb Vatican City and Dumb Koch Industries.

Some crocodiles can climb trees.

All crocodiles looks like trees.

Therefore,

Some crocodiles climb some crocodiles.

Bob Costas and Wire Fox Terrier are trending.

Ballplayers report to False Spring Training.

A-Rod going to play little exhibition ball in Pyongyang.

After Rand Paul sues Barack Obama he will sue Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks for trademark infringement.

Judge rules Kentucky has to accept same-sex shotgun weddings.

That’s where they both have one.

Pictures of iPhone 6 look a lot like my Genie garage door opener.

Barbie on cover of Sport Illustrated’s Swim Suit Issue so obviously had work done. What is she 50? 60?

January Obamacare signups go through the roof thanks to New Year’s resolution sign-ups. Smattering of bucket list sign-ups.

Leaker Edward Snowden used password 12345 to gain complete access to NSA files. And yet he can’t remember his pin at the Time Machine.

Yes, Virginia, there is same sex marriage.

Just start calling it ‘marriage’ solve a lot of the problems even if creating others, being marriage.

Joseph A. Banks buys Eddie Bauer rebrands as Joey Banks.

Pentagon meals in the field come up with 3 year pizza–if it doesn’t arrive in 3 years it’s absolutely free.

Packers interested in openly defensive end Michael Sam.

Stradivarius recovered in Milwaukee has a crank on the side.

My wife didn’t appreciate her Valentine’s flowers but the funeral displays were all they had left.

Here in Madison, the city says Wednesday’s snow had to be shoveled by noon Thursday, but Thursday’s snow can wait ’til you get around to it.

Bonus All the Opinion That Isn’t:

                   5 Things Wrong with Sochi 2014

1. A lot of these events, biathlon, skeleton, bandy, are clearly made up or something only Russians would do. Buzkashi, goat head polo, surprisingly, is not among them, although that’s more of a summer thing. Around here shooting a .22 on skis doesn’t even happen up north.

2. Scandinavian nations, and they know who they are, have a huge insurmountable advantage because these events are how they commute.

3. Without (even a pink-eyed) Bob Costas none of the results can be considered official, and have to go into the record books asterisked. When it comes to Olympic Winter Sports Matt Lauer is a triple klutz.

4. Who told Olympic officials snowboarding down railings was OK? It’s not and, anyway, the kind of thing you see every day on the rails of the Federal Building downtown is hardly Olympian.

5. Despite, or perhaps because of, the games being in Russia, it would have been nice to introduce same-sex free skating pairs, once the issue of who lifts is resolved, but only with the proviso that neither of the skaters be Will Ferrell.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

marswater

Snowden Wants Per Diem for Airport Stay & All the News That Isn’t

July 1, 2013

July 1, 2013

A contrite Paula Deen says “when those cotton balls get rotten, you can’t pick very much cotton.”

Claiming she was misquoted, Ms. Deen then went on to say “mammy’s little baby loves shortnin’ shortnin’.”

His dad says Ed Snowden wants his job back, an upgrade to GS-8, and a per diem for his stay at the Moscow airport.
And a new headshot–that’s non-negotiable.

Lance Armstrong says its impossible tow win the Tour de France without doping; as a result, no one wins the Tour de France.

Still, you gotta believe it’s possible with the right dope. Just no longer you, Lance.

Armstrong believes he’s still the Tour record holder and that he’s irresistible to women.

500th execution in the Right to Life state, Texas.

Governor Rick “Hang Em High” Perry explains the right to life expires at birth. A little slap on the behind and good luck!

Roger Federer loses at Wimbledon after his Flubber shoes are banned.

The Supreme Court ends its historic session with justices Scalia and Roberts hand in hand.

On the downside, the Voting Rights Act is now the Voting Wrongs Act.
All because no one had the courage to tell Clarence Thomas he is black.

While President Obama travels in Africa, Jamie Foxx slips into the White House. And the Whitehouse is Down with Dat.

Paula Deen has offered to cater for the Obamas for their remaining 3 years. Reparations.

Voyager 1 has second thoughts about leaving the solar system, heads back.

While the 700,000 year old grey mare ain’t what she used to be, her genome is. It is now possible to clone one sway back old nag.

Fed Chief Ben Bernanke to be replaced by George Zimmer, formerly of Men’s Wearhouse.

Snowden trade for Yakov Smirnoff reportedly in the works.

Snowden spotted returning carts for deposit at Moscow International.

If the UAE buys the Empire State Building it will be the United Arab Empirates State Building.

Breast feeding said to boost the ability to social climb and open a beer bottle with your teeth.

Paula Deen tapped for 50 Shades of grey, blue, yellow and pink.

And, with the Pittsburgh Pirates having the best record in baseball, many theologians see the opening of the 7th seal of the Apocalypse. . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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