Posted tagged ‘12345’

Mars all Wet and All the News That Isn’t

February 17, 2014

2-17-2014

Winter storm General Sherman rolls through Atlanta–but the South will plow again!

Weather Channel needs to think more about naming these storms.

Everybody talks about the Weather Channel but nobody does anything about it.

They make fun of Atlanta but, you know, we’d have the same problem up here with a heavy accumulation of grits.

Then, New York City buried by 2 inches of snow. Barely see the top 102 floors of the Empire State.

But what stories New Yorkers will have about the Dusting of 2014.

At Sochi, unusually warm weather for the Winter Olympics results in a Speedo Trial Event.

The girlfriend of French President Hollande sits at the kid’s table during White House dinner.

Where the kids enjoyed hastily renamed Freedom Fries.

Astronomers suspect flowing water on Mars because every time they look at it they have to pee.

Dumb Starbucks spurs a rash of dumb including Dumb Home Depot, Dumb Vatican City and Dumb Koch Industries.

Some crocodiles can climb trees.

All crocodiles looks like trees.

Therefore,

Some crocodiles climb some crocodiles.

Bob Costas and Wire Fox Terrier are trending.

Ballplayers report to False Spring Training.

A-Rod going to play little exhibition ball in Pyongyang.

After Rand Paul sues Barack Obama he will sue Mrs. Paul’s fish sticks for trademark infringement.

Judge rules Kentucky has to accept same-sex shotgun weddings.

That’s where they both have one.

Pictures of iPhone 6 look a lot like my Genie garage door opener.

Barbie on cover of Sport Illustrated’s Swim Suit Issue so obviously had work done. What is she 50? 60?

January Obamacare signups go through the roof thanks to New Year’s resolution sign-ups. Smattering of bucket list sign-ups.

Leaker Edward Snowden used password 12345 to gain complete access to NSA files. And yet he can’t remember his pin at the Time Machine.

Yes, Virginia, there is same sex marriage.

Just start calling it ‘marriage’ solve a lot of the problems even if creating others, being marriage.

Joseph A. Banks buys Eddie Bauer rebrands as Joey Banks.

Pentagon meals in the field come up with 3 year pizza–if it doesn’t arrive in 3 years it’s absolutely free.

Packers interested in openly defensive end Michael Sam.

Stradivarius recovered in Milwaukee has a crank on the side.

My wife didn’t appreciate her Valentine’s flowers but the funeral displays were all they had left.

Here in Madison, the city says Wednesday’s snow had to be shoveled by noon Thursday, but Thursday’s snow can wait ’til you get around to it.

Bonus All the Opinion That Isn’t:

                   5 Things Wrong with Sochi 2014

1. A lot of these events, biathlon, skeleton, bandy, are clearly made up or something only Russians would do. Buzkashi, goat head polo, surprisingly, is not among them, although that’s more of a summer thing. Around here shooting a .22 on skis doesn’t even happen up north.

2. Scandinavian nations, and they know who they are, have a huge insurmountable advantage because these events are how they commute.

3. Without (even a pink-eyed) Bob Costas none of the results can be considered official, and have to go into the record books asterisked. When it comes to Olympic Winter Sports Matt Lauer is a triple klutz.

4. Who told Olympic officials snowboarding down railings was OK? It’s not and, anyway, the kind of thing you see every day on the rails of the Federal Building downtown is hardly Olympian.

5. Despite, or perhaps because of, the games being in Russia, it would have been nice to introduce same-sex free skating pairs, once the issue of who lifts is resolved, but only with the proviso that neither of the skaters be Will Ferrell.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

marswater