Snowden Wants Per Diem for Airport Stay & All the News That Isn’t

July 1, 2013

A contrite Paula Deen says “when those cotton balls get rotten, you can’t pick very much cotton.”

Claiming she was misquoted, Ms. Deen then went on to say “mammy’s little baby loves shortnin’ shortnin’.”

His dad says Ed Snowden wants his job back, an upgrade to GS-8, and a per diem for his stay at the Moscow airport.
And a new headshot–that’s non-negotiable.

Lance Armstrong says its impossible tow win the Tour de France without doping; as a result, no one wins the Tour de France.

Still, you gotta believe it’s possible with the right dope. Just no longer you, Lance.

Armstrong believes he’s still the Tour record holder and that he’s irresistible to women.

500th execution in the Right to Life state, Texas.

Governor Rick “Hang Em High” Perry explains the right to life expires at birth. A little slap on the behind and good luck!

Roger Federer loses at Wimbledon after his Flubber shoes are banned.

The Supreme Court ends its historic session with justices Scalia and Roberts hand in hand.

On the downside, the Voting Rights Act is now the Voting Wrongs Act.
All because no one had the courage to tell Clarence Thomas he is black.

While President Obama travels in Africa, Jamie Foxx slips into the White House. And the Whitehouse is Down with Dat.

Paula Deen has offered to cater for the Obamas for their remaining 3 years. Reparations.

Voyager 1 has second thoughts about leaving the solar system, heads back.

While the 700,000 year old grey mare ain’t what she used to be, her genome is. It is now possible to clone one sway back old nag.

Fed Chief Ben Bernanke to be replaced by George Zimmer, formerly of Men’s Wearhouse.

Snowden trade for Yakov Smirnoff reportedly in the works.

Snowden spotted returning carts for deposit at Moscow International.

If the UAE buys the Empire State Building it will be the United Arab Empirates State Building.

Breast feeding said to boost the ability to social climb and open a beer bottle with your teeth.

Paula Deen tapped for 50 Shades of grey, blue, yellow and pink.

And, with the Pittsburgh Pirates having the best record in baseball, many theologians see the opening of the 7th seal of the Apocalypse. . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .


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