5 Ways to Avoid Dying Before Your Time
1. Don’t wear a watch
2. Whistle well past the graveyard
3. Make plans for that day
4. Moisturize to avoid Spontaneous Human Combustion
5. Buy minutes from Justin Timberlake
Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category
Endless Pasta and All the News That Isn’t
September 15, 20149-15-14
In Milwaukee, President Obama says “In heaven there is no beer . . .”
Very nearly his Ich bin ein Berliner moment.
Massive increase in carbon dioxide has people holding their breath.
Then you’ve got to try to choke off your methane.
Russia annexes Scotland averting a UK constitutional crisis.
I say Scottish independence now before Mel Gibson can make another movie.
Home depot data breached with everyday objects you can buy at Home Depot.
That’s Prince William in the throne room again with the morning sickness.
All babies are royal babies.
In the ISIS Crisis–
Trying to round up a posse, President Obama ends up in a remake of High Noon.
Probably not the guy you want to send to round up a posse–could lead to a Blazing Saddles situation.
The President says it will be a long effort eliminating ISIS, running well into the second Jenna Bush administration.
I did look it up and “a sustained effort to rout militants” is war.
Former New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin gets 10 years in a FEMA trailer.
Panera bans guns after man stirs up his strawberry parfait with a .38.
Now they want to keep our guns out of Krogers! When I pack At Krogers–and I don’t mean groceries–they take me 15 items more or less.
Due to health problems Rob Ford will not run again for mayor–or–
The Tumor That Saved Toronto.
What we take away from the Pistorius trial is always ask “honey, are you in there?” before shooting up the bathroom.
The Apple iWatch: the most annoying thing on your wrist since whatsername.
iPhone6 somewhat of a disappointment when the much anticipated iColonoscopy app is a no-show.
Apple’s Tim Cook calls it “epic.” In fairness, he calls his BM’s epic.
Olive Garden never ending pasta pass is the Magna Carta of fast food sit down.
No longer a recurring nightmare like the horrific Bottomless Salad.
Drug companies will take back unwanted drugs–now how about taking back the unwanted symptoms?
Airlines now allow you to listen to your Walkman if you put it in airplane mode.
Comrade Edward Snowden says the NSA has nude pictures of us all. Which means Snowden has nude pictures of us all. Which means Putin has nude pictures of us all. Which means, finally, Putin has nude pictures of Palin.
If you want your pictures in the Cloud throw them from the Bridge.
Otherwise, stash your Polaroids under the undies, second drawer from top.
Putin did not say he would take Kiev he said he would take Chicken Kiev.
New Israeli subdivision El Rancho Gaza fails to attract buyers.
Consumer Sediment reaches new depth.
Turning point on President Obama’s ISIS policy was not being able to get a tee time on Labor Day. Hey, they don’t control tee times in Martha’s Vineyard, yet.
New phone scam going around–if someone calls claiming to be your conscience and tells you withdraw $10,000 for yourself, hang up! Even if the voice sounds familiar.
UW Madison is 13th among Best Public Colleges–using Big 10 accounting we’re in the Top Ten!
Princeton again comes in number one school in the Princeton Review of Colleges. Had it been Badger Review, results may have been different.
That’s All the News That Isn’t 
Been Long Time for Neanderthals and All News That Isn’t
August 25, 20148-25-14
Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan says ALS patients should douse themselves with ice water.
Indicted Texas Governor Rick Perry takes the ALS challenge in his cell with cup of tepid water, for which he is hosed-down by guards. So that worked out.
President Obama takes a working golf outing on Martha’s Vineyard because the Jihadist threat doglegs to the left.
Hillary throws Cubs cap in the ring, possibly with head in it.
Reaffirming allegiance to the worst team in baseball possibly not the best move, politically.
Big question in basketball, will Steve Windows Ballmer’s LA Clippers have a start button?
Speaking of which Windows 9 is coming. That means Windows 10 is just around the corner. Once they get all the way up to Windows 95, we will have come full circle. And then it’s out the windows.
Body cameras probably a good idea for police, but you know a cop’s body cam will be filled with waitress outtakes.
Snag holds up iPhone 6 production—Apple can’t get enough angel’s tears.
Jeff Bezos at Amazon cut a deal with the angels.
To lure passengers back, United offers a hot meal and a warm place to poop.
Fly the Basic Needs of United.
Research finds athletic kids can bulk up grey matter in brains and still not get much out of ‘em.
Cow jumps over moon, butter prices follow.
And even pigs can’t afford to be makin’ bacon.
NFL will pay Coldplay not to play at Super Bowl halftime. Nicki Minaj will perform, but was told she must face the crowd at all times.
After reacting ungraciously to detractors, Johnny Football now Johnny Flip-Off.
Neanderthals and humans last had sex 40,000 years ago and I know how they feel.
Released emails from grand jury investigation finds Red Cross disaster relief funds funneled into Governor President Walker campaign. Would explain the tsunami of cash.
A reminder—while your teens need to be vaccinated, there is not yet a vaccine for simply being a teen.
Older people sleep less since that’s when older people tend to die.
From his cell Rick Perry was heard to call for overwhelming force against Islamic State, although he may have said Florida State. Was muffled.
TSA airport scanners have been hacked; you can now order your posture pictures in 8 x 10, 5 x 7 or wallet size to trade with your fellow passengers.
That’s All the News That Isn’t
Pope Saves Kia Soul and All the News That Isn’t
August 18, 2014All the News That Isn’t
8-18-14
Don’t eat salt, eat salt, it’s enough to make you cry–and that’s more salt!
In South Korea, Pope Francis saves his first Kia Soul.
Apple is storing its data in China in the iKungPao cloud.
In the taxi app wars, Berlin bans Uber und Alles.
After a 10 year and 4 billion mile journey to see one, turns out comets look a heckuva lot better from a distance. Big misshapen potato.
Bird fossil big as a very large man Penguinis lebronus found in Antarctica.
Russian hackers may have gotten my password–being followed by a Leo Tolstoy on twitter @countleo.
Johnny Manziel and Justin Bieber neck and neck for the Browns quarterback job.
VW recalls 150,000 cars making an achtung noise.
Mummies and Joan Rivers much older than they look due to being very well preserved.
Ice water now thought to cause ALS.
Wicked witch of the west dies from taking ALS ice water challenge.
Geneticists have edited the banana genome to have as many as 12 a’s and 8 n’s.
Aid convoy arrives at Ukraine border with load of used Russians.
In Ferguson, MO, first time anyone’s been happy to see the state patrol.
Here in Wisconsin, the city of Neenah reassures that its armored military vehicles will only be used against Menasha.
Sea World will upgrade Killer Whale habitats or else.
A thousand mini-robots who swarm together begin filling state jobs.
Texas governor Rick Perry indicted for wearing lensless glasses.
Abuse of power is a synonym for Governor of Texas.
Savannah Guthrie and I are happy to announce the arrival of 8 1/2 pound Vale Guthrie Feldman–I’ve already started her college fund.
That’s All the News That Isn’t
Thor Looks Marvelous and All the News That Isn’t
July 21, 20147-21-14
45 years since either one step for a man or mankind on the moon–amazing how, given the technology of the day–they were able to fake the moon landing.
Chris Christie in Iowa blocks all traffic on the Roseman covered bridge.
And I mean personally–stuck right in it.
Nothing gets in or out of Winterset, Iowa.
Washington, DC decriminalizes marijuana, but it’s $5,000 and a year in jail for roach littering.
So, eat ’em if you got ’em.
You have Stage 14 Tour de France when the latex actually replaces the skin, and the seat–you don’t want to know.
Center for Disease Control rethinking its policy of storing infectious diseases in the sock drawer.
But, you can still subscribe to the mail order toxin-of-the-month club.
House proceeds with impeachment charges against President Obama–so far they only have uppity.
Energy drink cocktails found to give you just enough energy for another energy drink cocktail. And so on.
I took a 5 Hour Lethargy–at this point what am I going to do with energy?
Facebook has a new purchase button which finally makes it possible to buy a friend.
Japanese artist jailed for her vagina boat being held in 3D printed cell of her lady parts.
Big shakeup at Marvel Comics–Thor is now a woman and looks marvelous! Who knew what Thor’s secret weapons really were?
Captain America now Captain African-America–long overdue!
And Spidey hangs it up–actually living with a fly! Well, Jeff Goldblum.
Baseball commissioner and Milwaukeean Bud Selig will leave the post and go back to selling 1960 Ford Galaxy’s and 500’s.
Oklahoma says, same sex marriage, OK!
Amazon rolls out a service that, for 10 bucks a month, lets you read the books you already have.
Kia recalls 50,000 Souls. More on this on Sunday.
Barbie sales so far down she’s thinking of having a little work done.
See if she can raise them up again. The sales.
Real problem is with all that’s out there Barbie’s no longer the impossible dream for girls.
New Airbus jet liner so long it can taxi to its destination.
Google smart contact lens yells “help me! help me” after falling to carpet.
After Fiat merger with VW, just need Toyota for Axis Motors.
Harvard study finds early birds do not, in fact, get worms.
GM goes around ignition problem by returning to cranks.
NASA opens rocket competition to the average guy, which results in basements across America blowing up–garages on the west coast.
Here in Wisconsin, Governor President Walker calls for rolling back edjukayshun standards . . .
That’s All the News That Isn’t . . . 
Tupperware Arrives for Leftovers and All the News That Isn’t
July 14, 20147-14-14
Cleveland the new Miami.
Both conventions and King James: hat trick for Cleveland.
Leaves Milwaukee only mistake on the lake.
Cleveland: More Than Garfield’s Tomb.
The LeBron Age.
Jason Kidd red-eyes to Rio to interview for coaching position.
Good news for Brazil–they have a dozen unusable stadiums which will make excellent ruins, and that means tourism.
OK which German prankster raised one of Jesus’ arms?
Some fear Germans want world more than cup.
39% of millennials support Hillary despite her being of another millennium.
Reminds them of their dad.
There is some hope Indiana won’t recognize hetero-marriage as well.
Six time zones they can’t manage a couple flavors of marriage?
NSA mined personal files of Americans including baby pictures–and, let me tell you, little Eddie Snowden was one pretty baby. Those cute little frames.
Edward Snowden has asked the Russians for a visa extension and fresh towels and sheets.
And, please, no more Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy or Kropotkin, particularly Kropotkin.
Having to prove phone not dead makes it all but impossible for zombies to fly to US.
Hobby Lobby will offer employees plans for knittable contraceptives.
Plus, there’s tons you can do with a hot glue gun and a little imagination.
New Harry Potter story–Middle Aged Harry and the Worrisome Prostate Number.
New Pink Floyd album, The Dark Side of the Prostate. Floyd ain’t so Pink anymore.
Cubs have one all star and he’s been traded. Making the other guys look bad.
May be able to play in retro uniform.
Dow Jones tops 31/2 bitcoin.
Good jobs report blamed on Obama.
President Obama is less popular than Nixon, who at least played the piano.
The House, still working on its first piece of legislation, sues President Obama for dereliction of duty.
Pistorius has disability anxiety but is taking murderous rage for it.
Waitresses at Rifle, Colorado diner carry loaded guns; tips up 100%.
Lot of folks leaving their watches and rings as well.
If nothing else, the Sterlings going to have some pretty ugly makeup sex.
Imagine what President Obama and Rick Perry couldn’t do together!
Alcohol does not benefit the heart but is great for the kishkes.
Seattle Seahawks appear listless and lackadaisical after weed approved in Washington State.
Spoilage Alert: The Leftovers ends with arrival of The Tupperware.
In new movie “Lucy” Scarlett Johansson uses 100% of brain 110% of body.
Potato Salad kickstarter hits $40,000–hoping for another 10k for bacon.
Brett Favre’s number 4 jersey will be buried at Lambeau Field but only with Brett in it . . .
. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t …..
Springtime for Hitler and All the News That Isn’t
June 30, 2014Supreme Court says your bf/gf needs a warrant to look through your phone. Unless they do it without thinking. Or mistake it for their phone. Or if they were just cleaning your screen.
Orders for capital goods rise; unfortunately, mostly for capital punishment.
Btw, they’re getting the lethal drugs from the Rite-Aid I’d like to know.
Mercedes launches its first hydrogen car, the Hindenburg. Probably seen the “oh, the humanity” commercials.
Diane Sawyer leaving the evening news to devote more time to busy work.
Meanwhile, only Whoopi left standing after The View bloodbath, but she surely filled her Poise.
Lebron opts out of Heat contract will return to St. Vincent-St. Mary’s HS in Akron.
Although Archbishop Hoban and Walsh Jesuit really wanted him.
NBA draft went pretty much as expected–you can be the greatest college prospect in history, you’ll still end up in Cleveland or Milwaukee.
Jabari Parker happy with the Bucks–he always hoped to work for a New York investment firm.
Hillary on the fence between the Presidency and The View.
Hillary supposedly told friends that President Obama was incompetent and feckless. But, come on, friends?
Luis Suarez not grinding has teeth over suspension.
It was pretty toothless.
And here’s me thinking it’s just another aspect of soccer I don’t get.
Like why big, strong men should hit the turf like little baby girls.
Good news is that Hannibal Lector doesn’t play futbol.
USA has good loss against Germany. Like good cholesterol.
People from Indiana can now marry people from Utah.
Space-Time ripples can occur if you don’t shake out your event horizon.
Scientists still shaking their heads over how Neanderthals could pass fossilized poop.
2 million for Bob Dylan’s Like a Rolling Stone All the Way to the Bank.
Supreme Court rules President may not make recess appointments and must stay on boy’s side of playground.
Court also rules a woman’s Hobby Lobby not her own.
One thing this ISIS band shows is that not all millennials don’t know what to do with themselves.
Under Google’s new right to be forgotten, a search for “Hitler” only turns up “Springtime for.”
Search for “nazi” gets “soup.”
Ikea rises minimum wage to 11 krona. That’s a lot of krona.
After Suarez, copycat biting hits every sport including curling and tournament bridge.
In Iraq, rushing to put up al-Maliki statue so they can pull it down.
Sheboygan man wins million in Powerball, moves to Sheboygan Falls.
In Wisconsin, the John Doe prosecutor says no decision yet whether crimes were committed or it was just Walker being Walker . . .
That’s All the News That Isn’t 
Gas Spewing Black Holes and All the News That Isn’t
June 23, 20146-23-14
Vast amounts of water trapped in the earth’s interior, and I know how it feels.
Most of the earth’s mass turns out to be water weight.
After the patent office pulls the Washington Redskins trademark, the dyed pistachio people are all over it.
Washington did propose a new name but the league rejected the Foreskins due to Jewish sensitivities.
Russia moves into Ukraine to collect gas bill.
Ukraine closed the border with Russia locking 30,000 troops in.
Botox makers show no visible reaction to takeover attempts.
President Obama to send 300 to Iraq led by Gerard Butler.
Pope Francis says making recreational drugs legal would be a buzzkill.
US stock futures higher but fail to arrive.
Every time you power on your new Amazon Fire phone it pleasures Jeff Bezos.
Hillary deciding whether to run or seize office.
Perhaps Hillary’s greatest strength is being married to Hillary.
Space station espresso machine reverse engineers urine back to coffee.
Could be the start of a vicious cycle:
Every half hour I have to make coffee.
Got up 3 times in the middle of the night to make coffee.
Can I warm up your coffee?
Whatever you do, don’t ask for a frappe on the space station.
The passenger pigeon will be re-created genetically and used for long-extinct ladies hats.
House Republicans hold Whack-a-Mole leadership session.
Mitt Romney says Hillary is–what do the kids call it?–clueless. Mitt, those kids are 40 years old now.
New arthritis drug grows hair on bald men able to open the bottle.
Texas Governor Rick Perry, for some reason, associates homosexuality with being really, really drunk.
Gun sales down; Americans are either buying fewer guns or learning to be happy with the guns God gave them.
The new electric Harley Hog so quiet had to clothespin playing cards to the rims so you could hear it coming.
Latest edition of the college dictionary the Merriam-Yoopers.
Those of you with super-massive black holes ejecting super-heated gas, the gas company will get to you as quickly as they can–the backlog is cosmic.
If the campaign finance allegations against President Scott Walker are true he could be impeached. Fortunately, after he abolished congress, very little chance of that.
That’s All the News That Isn’t . . . 
3000 Year Old Pants and All the News That Isn’t
June 9, 20146-9-14
3,000 year old pair of pants found in China, but the belt is still missing so can’t wear ‘em.
Former Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino sues the NFL for concussions, says the contusions are on him.
Clippers owner Donald Sterling rakes in 16,000% return on sale of the Clippers—I should be so senile.
Course, the wife gets 8,000%.
Sterling said he doesn’t want his tombstone to say “Here lies a mental incompetent and a racist.” Not at 20 bucks a letter.
In the Bowe Bergdahl case, biggest unanswered question still his dad’s beard.
The economy has recovered all jobs lost in the 2008 crash except yours. “Sorry,” says the economy.
Research finds that babies exposed to dirt are hard to keep clean.
Cynicism may hurt your brain health? DOUBTFUL!!
Oklahoma repeals Federal Education Standards, will instead recruit Chinese students to raise scores.
Uber valued at 18 billion dollars—now try and get a ride.
Smokers do not experience hearing loss they’re just tired of hearing about it.
Botanists say that plants have sex by promising one another a rose garden.
No free donuts on Dunkin’ Donuts National Donut Day leads to police riot in Boston.
King Juan Carlos of Spain abdicates because he just doesn’t feel it anymore.
We all feel like abdicating some days, but then your eldest moves back home and you think maybe they’re not ready for the throne.
They’re all abdicating these days except for Queen Elizabeth, due to Charles.
Chocolate magnate Willie Wonka sworn in as President of Ukraine. The Russians will now invade to find the Golden Ticket.
Neurotic robots act more human but tend to lock Keir Dullea out of the spacecraft when having a bad day.
CIA joins Twitter, follows everybody.
Covering all bases, Lego launches female scientist and male homemaker/caregiver minifigure lines.
Apple runs out of large cats for OS, turns to national parks with Yosemite. Hopefully, the next one will not be Grand Tetons.
Wisconsin’s tavern to grocery ratio number one, while the tavern to church even higher.
Norwegian bachelor farmers darn close to smiling as Wisconsin’s ban on same sex marriages is overturned . . .
That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
Tara Alert
May 21, 2014Tara Alert
Want to go viral? Be a cat video. All it takes is a cat that can play paddy cake or tetherball, or at least do a convincing omg! expression. Shouldn’t be hard to find if a million-plus hits is worth the looking. Someday, if ever being re-tweeted or copied and pasted infinitely can make you money, you could even be rich. But for now hold that RT–the video of Tara the Tabby transformed into Tara the Attack Cat who saves four year-old boy from dog (who will only be remembered as light brown) has not only gone pandemic, it has changed how we perceive (at least virtual) cats: as we speak, jpeg tabbies on skateboards brandishing AK-47s occupy 25% of all bandwidth. Forget net neutrality, we need cat neutrality, and neutering as well. Aside from Tom (of Tom &), who was a mixed bag, we’ve never had a real cat hero. Plenty of mice heroes, but no cats. Pepe le Pew came closest, and he was a skunk. Now, when cat time is measured BT, before Tara, and AT, simply being able to paw an iPad is not going to cut it anymore video-wise. Kittyographers will be hard-pressed to make their Bengals, Burmese and Domestics bound the very high bar that is Tara.
The average cat, seeing his toddler set upon by dogs, will register a number of feelings dependant on dog, boy, when puss last ate or coughed up fur ball–lots of things. Time of day’s a factor, nocturnal works better for most. Day or night, though, most cats in the midst of a domestic dispute would curl up nose to tail atop the refrigerator and leave it at that. After all, this is not walking through cereal bowls or worrying the parakeet. That stuff’s easy. This is Misty taking an interest in something other than Misty. As spiritually advanced creatures, cats instinctively will not intervene in the world outside themselves except for self interest or entertainment. Intervention presupposes a cat moral code, the lack of which long has given felines a huge advantage over canines always told they should know better. It’s a lot to lap up.
This particular incident ended well, at least for the boy and the cat, but the lessons for the rest of Felis catus is fraught with peril: many cats not having or able to bring their A game had best prepare to look adoptable. Overall, the ante has been upped: cats will surely be bred with the Tara gene. Clowders of Tara-cloned attack cats could soon roam city alley and suburban cul de sac alike. Forget The Birds, The Cats is a thousand times scarier. The former Misty may play with you a bit, let you think you can make your getaway, but should you go for it brace yourself for the paw with just enough claw smack down on your tail any second.
Whad'ya Know? 