3000 Year Old Pants and All the News That Isn’t

6-9-14

3,000 year old pair of pants found in China, but the belt is still missing so can’t wear ‘em.
Former Dolphins quarterback Dan Marino sues the NFL for concussions, says the contusions are on him.
Clippers owner Donald Sterling rakes in 16,000% return on sale of the Clippers—I should be so senile.
Course, the wife gets 8,000%.
Sterling said he doesn’t want his tombstone to say “Here lies a mental incompetent and a racist.” Not at 20 bucks a letter.
In the Bowe Bergdahl case, biggest unanswered question still his dad’s beard.
The economy has recovered all jobs lost in the 2008 crash except yours. “Sorry,” says the economy.
Research finds that babies exposed to dirt are hard to keep clean.
Cynicism may hurt your brain health? DOUBTFUL!!
Oklahoma repeals Federal Education Standards, will instead recruit Chinese students to raise scores.
Uber valued at 18 billion dollars—now try and get a ride.
Smokers do not experience hearing loss they’re just tired of hearing about it.
Botanists say that plants have sex by promising one another a rose garden.
No free donuts on Dunkin’ Donuts National Donut Day leads to police riot in Boston.
King Juan Carlos of Spain abdicates because he just doesn’t feel it anymore.
We all feel like abdicating some days, but then your eldest moves back home and you think maybe they’re not ready for the throne.
They’re all abdicating these days except for Queen Elizabeth, due to Charles.
Chocolate magnate Willie Wonka sworn in as President of Ukraine. The Russians will now invade to find the Golden Ticket.
Neurotic robots act more human but tend to lock Keir Dullea out of the spacecraft when having a bad day.
CIA joins Twitter, follows everybody.
Covering all bases, Lego launches female scientist and male homemaker/caregiver minifigure lines.
Apple runs out of large cats for OS, turns to national parks with Yosemite. Hopefully, the next one will not be Grand Tetons.
Wisconsin’s tavern to grocery ratio number one, while the tavern to church even higher.
Norwegian bachelor farmers darn close to smiling as Wisconsin’s ban on same sex marriages is overturned . . .

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That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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