Whad'ya Know?

1-19-15

Packers play excellent half of football.

Bartender tries to poison Speaker John Boehner’s beer–fortunately, his crying into it diluted it.

Mike Huckabee slams the Obamas for letting their daughters listen to Beyonce instead of his cover of Brown Sugar.

Oil has dropped so low they’re pumping in back into the ground.
The dinosaurs died for nothing!
Makes for some hard choices, though–2 dollars on a gallon of gas or 2 dollars on High Hopes to win in the third.

Now everybody wants to fly to Cuba to pick up a ’57 Bel-Air despite the 4 different colored fenders and John Deere motor.
My brother Clayton, who went to Cuba in 1955 with the Civil Air Patrol, is going back to see if the dancer at the Tropicana is still there.

This will be an odd State of the Union with everybody on one side of the aisle.
And the Republicans sitting with their backs to the President.
Congressman Randy Weber plans to interrupt the President Obama’s speech with Sieg Heils.

Measles outbreak at Disneyland despite the protective four-fingered gloves.

This year’s flu vaccine only protects against the one you get from kissing a pig.

President Obama did not go to Paris because–with all the heads of state there–tee times were all but impossible to get.

The alligator living for 40 years in a San Fernando backyard had been grandgatored in.

Princeton researchers create a laser the size of a grain of rice then lose it in Chinese take-out.

Ohio State’s Cardale Jones not entering the NFL draft in the hope he’ll move up to second string next season.

The official state book of Mississippi will be either the Bible or anything by John Gresham.

A declining Kobe Bryant has already made his reservations for a trip to Pyongyang, North Korea.

Not a single Lego nominated for an Oscar–so much for diversity!

To a smattering of applause Scott Walker tells country club crowd he’s anxious to be the new what-everybody-hates-about-Washington.

On a personal note, my Tina the Puggle has died, leaving me with an existential crisis, since I told her every morning I had to go to work to earn her dog biscuits. Now what’s my motivation?
Cancelled the New York Times because without Tina I don’t need the bags anymore.
Thinking of getting a rescue dog, although I still don’t get whether you rescue them or they rescue you. If it’s the latter, I’m in! Love you, Tina!

That’s All the News That Isn’t

1-13-15

Since Aaron Rodgers passed for 316 yards and 3 touchdowns on one leg the league has adjusted his numbers to 632 yards and 6 td’s for two.
The real question for Packers-Cowboys Ice Bowl 2 was how the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders would hold up under frigid frozen turf conditions compared to the St. Norbert’s girls, covered from head to toe and then some. In the end, nothing got through the St. Norbert’s girls defense.

President Obama blamed for quarter million job gain in December. Mostly golf course attendants and caddies.

President offers free 2 year community college tuition–they’re calling it Obamacollege, although officially it’s The Affordable Herzing Act.

Challenged Speaker John Boehner offered fall-back position as House Chaplain where no one will ever call him “squishy.” He’s not really squishy, he just grew up over a tavern where he learned to cry in his beer at an early age.

The upside of plummeting price of oil are the Rolexes and Mercedes at Saudi yard sales going for peanuts.

New Sony Walkman goes on sale for $1120, which, in 1970 dollars, is far out, man! The cassettes must be a hundred bucks each.

Competition for Space-X as Car-X attempts to put a Geo Metro in orbit.

Colorado “Good to Know” campaign reminds folks to eat it all quick before crossing 385 into Kansas. There’s a rest stop at Burlington for your convenience, and cots and munchies if you need to stay a couple of days.

North Korea has warned theaters not to show the Game of Thrones movie due to the arch villain Kim Jong Joffrey. They’re just upset because of how small Kim looks on IMAX.

Jameis in draftis. Could go firstis.

New wristband tracking device the Felon is the first tracking device that you’re not married to.

More habitable planets found but so far no hobbitable planets.

Fossils on Mars found to just be ancient condoms.

1795 time capsule found in Boston contains Paul Revere’s mileage for the midnight ride. Gotta say it’s padded–it was just a couple of furlongs and he wants 10 shillings?

Rhesus monkey taught to recognize themselves in a mirror cannot be torn away from it, or from signing ‘does this make my rump look too red’?

Looking for whoever squeezed out a 6 foot boa constrictor in a San Diego men’s room toilet–no charges, they just want to meet the guy.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker shows he’s serious about a Presidential bid by hiring ace political consultant Wile E Coyote.

That’s All the News That Isn’t