Syrian Electronic Army plays ELO & All the News That Isn’t

Posted September 16, 2013 by mefeld
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9-16-13

New York Fashion Week all Midwest Look–housecoats & crocs dominate runways.

Voyager 1 spacecraft leaves solar system, does not look back. 36 years of separation anxiety enough.

Voyager carrying a copy of the Bee Gees Saturday Night Fever to the Andromeda Galaxy.

New Jersey Shore officials thinking about a concrete walk this time.

Free tickets on United, but it’s still on United.

New iPhone 5’s require a butt reader to make butt calls.

Android phones have already countered with cheek swabbers.

With the US slipping to 17th in happiness behind Mexico, foot traffic through the Rio Grande reverses.

Duffer President Obama takes mulligan on Syria speech.

Goes to show, on the road to Damascus easy to fall off or on your ass.

Vladimir Putin gets his own comic strip in the New York Times funny pages–Rootin’ Pootin. Right under Snuffy Smith.

President Obama cancels congressional picnic, but 3-legged race still on.

Returning from North Korea, Dennis Rodman lets slip name of Kim Jong Un’s daughter, Wi Tu Lo.

Ratings show the President’s “So You Think You Can Govern” losing to “So You Think You Can Dance.”

Relatives say 107 year-old shot by police in Pine Bluff, Arkansas had 106 very good years.

Diana Nyad may have been the oldest swimmer towed from Cuba to Florida.

Starving Artists couch painting found to be Van Gogh.

The Syrian Electronic Army changed the President’s speech as he was giving it.

Syrian Electronic Army thought to be offshoot of Electric Light Orchestra.

Testicle size now thought to be fit topic for casual conversation.

Testicles get smaller with parenthood not before.

Miss Kansas sports first tattoo in Miss America pageant but will probably regret it by time she’s Mrs. Kansas.

Putin may be given Peace Prize just so he won’t cop somebody else’s.

Scooter Store shut down just as I may qualify for a Medicare discount.

Montana Lt. Governor John Walsh mistakenly likes Facebook cleavage page he thought was the Grand Tetons.

First Lady Michelle Obama fruitlessly looks for water in Watertown, Wisconsin, actually named after Ethel Waters. Nearest water actually in Lake Mills.

Reading that men need estrogen I took some, and my belly went straight to my thighs . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
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Kim’s Placenta Weight Gain & All the News That Isn’t

Posted August 26, 2013 by mefeld
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8-26-13

In the biggest policy victory of term 2, President Obama hosts the surviving 1972 Miami Dolphins at the White House.

Newly released Nixon tapes may reveal why the Dolphins were not honored in 1972. Nixon reportedly said, “We could do it, but it would be wrong.”

Former Egyptian President Mubarak is tan, trim and feels terrific.

Mubarak was on the mummification table when the reprieve came. Biggest comeback in Egypt since King Tut.

Woke up, I was a Chelsea Manning.

Chelsea has done nothing wrong and should be sent on her way.
Same for Sally Snowden.

Most of the email collected by the NSA is out of the office vacation responders.

Ben Affleck booted from upcoming Batman film, will be replaced by Ben Bernanke.

After eating placenta Kim Kardashian put the weight back on again.

In a cost cutting move, NASA will lasso an asteroid on the same sound stage used for the moon landing.

Circumcision down in western states where 10 gallon hats still favored.

3-1-1 carry ins in quart baggies in effect for NFL season openers. Does allow for one 3.4 oz beer or wine cooler.

Astronomers find birth of new star somewhat embarrassing.

AARP study finds that while baby boomers are not, in fact, babies, they are going boom.

Lindsay Lohan tells Oprah as part of her rehab she will shop at Lane Byrant.

Dr. Phil is strongly condemned for tweeting “is it ok to have sex with a drunken dr oz?”

Dr. Phil, do you have anything to say to Dr. Oz?

People would rather steal a Ford F-250 pickup than a Mercedes because you don’t want to look like you’re showing off in your stolen vehicle.

Rodent hair in Mexican Heinz ketchup brings it up to 58 varieties.
Consumers can return the bottles for full rodent refund.

Many Swiss women are carrying $38,000 croc handbags to show solidarity with the plight of Oprah Winfrey.

Most women surveyed would rather have a thousand 38 dollar handbags.

Ironically, pitcher Ryan Dempster cannot play during his suspension despite hitting A-Rod.

You know A-Rod was just too bulked up to jump out of the way, and

Gold iPhone already stolen . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t

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Oprah’s Got a Brand New Bag & All the News That Isn’t

Posted August 19, 2013 by mefeld
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8-19-13

And the thing is Oprah was going to give one of those handbags to everyone in her audience.

In defense of the salesgirl in Zurich, you can see how she might have thought the butler’s wife wouldn’t have the money for a $35,000 bag.

New York City stop-and-frisk is out and frisk-on-the go is in.

The stop-and-bris in Brooklyn is even worse.

Obama-faced rodeo clown new head of Republican National Committee.

Baby boy who can’t be named Messiah in Tennessee has been renamed Holy Jeepers Jones.

London Whale charged although all the krill long gone.

American Airlines and US Air merger blocked as too much of a bad thing.

GOP urges everyone to get real sick and overwhelm Obamacare.

Republicans seek to limit Obamacare to Obama.

In North Carolina you now must show a tarheel to vote.

Utah beauty queen is da bomb!

CIA acknowledges Area 51 but disavows Highway 51, particularly the stretch between Endeavor and Plainfield.

Rush Limbaugh will moderate or whatever the word would be the Republican debates.

Mice fed soda become mousedly obese.

Gun safety teacher who shot student hopes he’s learned a valuable lesson.

Facebook makes people feel bad for never being in their own newsfeed.

Oprah reveals Stedman inspiration for The Butler.

Steinway taken over by a hedge fund. Now pianists will have to dream of a Hedgeway.

More than 28 cups of coffee per week bad for those under 55 but absolutely essential for those over.

Instant replay in baseball: because 3 hours of the Cubs is not nearly enough.

400 pound NFL linemen to be tested for bovine growth hormone.
As Dylan once said, “Give me some milk or else go home.”

Ecuadoran carnivorous panda found to be Ted gone feral after movie flop.

Obesity data show bulge below Bible Belt visible from space, and

100,000 people would rather live on Mars than Kenosha . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t
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Sharknado Eclipses Holsteinado & All the News That Isn’t

Posted July 29, 2013 by mefeld
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July 29, 2013

Thinking outside the royal box, royal baby named Mohamed Duke of Cambridge.

Baby-proofing Buckingham even as we speak.

Corgis gotta go. Little guy looks too much like a hedgehog–and corgis love hedgehog.

No response yet to Prince Harry’s offer to babysit.
Can just see that “look, I’m Michael Jackson ” moment on the balcony.

Anthony Weiner’s wife forgives Ryan Braun.

Weiner says he was not sexting he was just typing with his you-know.

The Weiners will now take their case to Dr. Phil. Tony, do you have something to say to Huma?

If he does win they will have to Weiner-proof Gracie Mansion.

Meanwhile, rather than resign over his famous secretary headlock, the mayor of San Diego will take behavior training at Sea World.

Researchers find strong evidence that the moon can hit your eye like a big pizza pie. That’s amore.

Free man in Russia Edward Snowden rushes off to KGB to see if his credits will transfer.

House bill to restrict NSA surveillance to the lamp in Tony Soprano’s basement comes up short.

Durables surge but that can’t last.

Scientists discover false memories in mice, accounting for Jerry’s horrendous accusations about Tom.

Cubs trade Alfonso Soriano to Yankees for Jumbotron and additional signage to be named later.

Meanwhile, looks like Plan B-Rod for A-Rod.

Zimmerman comes out of hiding to deliver Kate’s baby.

This just in–Zimmerman has dragged another white family out of their minivan for no apparent reason.

It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s Zimmerman!

Lance Armstrong in the Iowa bike race, a true riches to Ragbrai story.

Armstrong is being watched closely as he passes the ethanol tanks.

Al Jazeera television picks up the Albert Brooks sitcom “That Darn Jew!”

Shrinking arctic icecap threatens baby seal clubbing.

NASA discovers that most “near earth objects” are actually little things floating by on your cornea.

And, Sharknado eclipses Holsteinado at the box office . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
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Norwegian Wakes Up Swedish & All the News That Isn’t

Posted July 22, 2013 by mefeld
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7-22-13

Norwegian man wakes up Swedish, thinks he’s in hell.

Panda mother of twins says please, no more stuffed pandas.

Kate imagines she’s lying on a beautiful beach, waves rhythmically lapping.

As Cassini spacecraft takes picture of earth from Saturn many mistakenly wave at Uranus.

Home builder confidence up after a pretty bad spill from the roof.

Housing starts up, finishes, not so much. Get to it when I get to it.

Some danger of Consumer Over-Confidence.

Fed head says will hand out G-man badges, Dow goes through roof.

Florida passes Stand Your Sinkhole law.

House passes stay warm, drink plenty of fluids Askmeificare health plan.

Bad news: Detroit in bankruptcy, good news: Malibus 10 cents on the dollar.

Given calorie guides McDonalds patrons eat them.

President Obama says he sees self in young North West Kardashian.

The President says women in elevators still clutch their purses when he gets in, but once they see it’s him they take out their compacts.

Snail facials make snails look years younger.

Cooperative Edward Snowden given access to duty-free at Moscow airport.

Same sex marriage law in Britain theoretically allows Queen to marry another Queen. (In the UK it’s same sex, same class).

Ancient earth was extremely hot but it was a dry heat.

Keith Olbermann returns to TV as lottery ball-picker.

Auto tag surveillance raises hackles of American Civil License plate Union.

Rolling Stone magazine boycotted after Neil Diamond jump suit cover.

Scandal rocks pseudo-sports world as rhythmic gymnastics turns out to be big joke.

Revelation that J.K. Rowling wrote Book of Mormon.

World’s oldest calendar extremely out of date; still has Arbor day last week of April.

Public radio host turns up in Biogenesis appointment book.

Obesity gene unable to skip generations.

Missouri first graders now have NRA gun class right after naptime.

House not only does away with food stamps but makes couponing a felony.

Mailman receives Emmy in yet another Netflix victory.

Tibetan monks make sand mandala with 3D printer. Print one grain at a time.

Smokey the Bear sequestered–smoke ’em if you got ’em.

In Milwaukee, 72 year-old Paul McCartney rocks stadium with “I Saw Her Wobbling There.”

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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Tampax in Teapot & All the News That Isn’t

Posted July 15, 2013 by mefeld
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7-15-13

As Russian dissident leaker Edward Snowden entitled to post at Harvard.

Reasonable dolt frees George Zimmerman.

US and China have deep differences on Hunan rights.

White House to decide whether Egypt coupe or sedan.

Leaked report says Pakistan intelligence had bin Laden salmon fishing in the Yemen.

Safest seats in airline crash are in back of the Greyhound.

Asiana now least popular baby girl name.

47% of babies have flat spots on heads, curiously the same % that grow up to be Democrats.

After aborting governorship late in term, Rick Perry says he intends to pray and just join the occasional posse.

Porn actors say measure requiring condoms violates prior restraint.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck now the Einstein of Fox & Friends.

Many at the Fed believe in self-stimulus.

Tribune gets out of newspaper business; Tribune Tower will be used for grain storage.

Justin Bieber relieves self in restaurant mop bucket to prove what a lame bad boy he is.

Appendix says Elton John nearly killed him.

Lowered arsenic levels take the kick out of apple cider.

Senate compromise on student loans creates Indentured Students Act allowing students to work off loans as serfs.

With rise in Mexican obesity North America now pear shaped.

Mental performance of 90 year-olds improves, but it’s touch and go until then.

Mets decide not to honor Native Americans during Braves home stand.

Former Laker Metta World Peace seeks asylum in Russia.

Derek Jeter gets up too quickly from chair, back on disabled list.

Women protesting abortion restrictions in Texas senate have tampons confiscated: a Tampax in a teapot?

Don’t mess with Kotex, Tex . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t

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Snowden Wants Per Diem for Airport Stay & All the News That Isn’t

Posted July 1, 2013 by mefeld
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July 1, 2013

A contrite Paula Deen says “when those cotton balls get rotten, you can’t pick very much cotton.”

Claiming she was misquoted, Ms. Deen then went on to say “mammy’s little baby loves shortnin’ shortnin’.”

His dad says Ed Snowden wants his job back, an upgrade to GS-8, and a per diem for his stay at the Moscow airport.
And a new headshot–that’s non-negotiable.

Lance Armstrong says its impossible tow win the Tour de France without doping; as a result, no one wins the Tour de France.

Still, you gotta believe it’s possible with the right dope. Just no longer you, Lance.

Armstrong believes he’s still the Tour record holder and that he’s irresistible to women.

500th execution in the Right to Life state, Texas.

Governor Rick “Hang Em High” Perry explains the right to life expires at birth. A little slap on the behind and good luck!

Roger Federer loses at Wimbledon after his Flubber shoes are banned.

The Supreme Court ends its historic session with justices Scalia and Roberts hand in hand.

On the downside, the Voting Rights Act is now the Voting Wrongs Act.
All because no one had the courage to tell Clarence Thomas he is black.

While President Obama travels in Africa, Jamie Foxx slips into the White House. And the Whitehouse is Down with Dat.

Paula Deen has offered to cater for the Obamas for their remaining 3 years. Reparations.

Voyager 1 has second thoughts about leaving the solar system, heads back.

While the 700,000 year old grey mare ain’t what she used to be, her genome is. It is now possible to clone one sway back old nag.

Fed Chief Ben Bernanke to be replaced by George Zimmer, formerly of Men’s Wearhouse.

Snowden trade for Yakov Smirnoff reportedly in the works.

Snowden spotted returning carts for deposit at Moscow International.

If the UAE buys the Empire State Building it will be the United Arab Empirates State Building.

Breast feeding said to boost the ability to social climb and open a beer bottle with your teeth.

Paula Deen tapped for 50 Shades of grey, blue, yellow and pink.

And, with the Pittsburgh Pirates having the best record in baseball, many theologians see the opening of the 7th seal of the Apocalypse. . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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Yeezus Is Yust All Right & All the News That Isn’t

Posted June 24, 2013 by mefeld
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6-24-13

At the Brandenburg Gate President Obama calls for a concerto.

If something bad comes out of this speech it will be Brandenburggategate.

In a stirring speech President Obama tells Berliners “Ich bin ein Fahrvergnugen.”

The meeting with Putin did not go well after the President opens with a Super Bowl ring joke.

Wasn’t only that Putin took the Super Bowl ring but he was wearing it around his neck.

House eliminates abortion except in the case of Democratic parents.

Plan to lasso asteroid shot down by the House No Ways and No Means Committee.

NSA director testifies before the House Intelligence Committee, then has to kill them.

House Intelligence Committee: there’s a tough committee to staff.

Taliban negotiations–after shaking hands remember to check all your extremities.

Putin leaves the G8 summit with 3 Rolexes and a Louis Vuitton bag.

NATO hands off Afghan security to Iraqis.

Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski backs same-sex marriage because anything is better than Verne.

Dolce & Gabbana sentenced to jail for one horrific pair of frames too many.
Love Dolce, hate Gabbana.

Miley Cyrus says the pot is for the cataracts.

AMA says obesity is a disease but large-boned is a roll of the dice.

Undocumented workers to install 700 miles of border fence.

A good start, but it would be nice to fence the coasts in case they come by sea.

One does have the sneaking suspicion all the border agents are to keep us in.

Paula Deen’s “N” word is NutraSweet.

Paula’s Apple Brown Betty has been expunged form the Food Network recipe book.

Fed chairman Ben Bernanke will turn up in Hong Kong next.

Supreme Court, defend your own damn marriage! Especially you, Clarence.

Leaker Snowden in Ecuador after packing for Iceland.

For those whose brains aren’t comes the 3D brain.

A 3D printer prints a 3D printer which prints . . .

The Girl from Ipanema Barricades latest for Jobim, and

Kanye’s new song Yeezus is Yust All Right with Me . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t
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Whistling Hitler Tea Kettle & All the News That Isn’t

Posted June 17, 2013 by mefeld
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June 17, 2013

Too bad about the Supreme Court decision–I was hoping to patent my genes for Father’s Day.

The good news is that not a single Supreme Court justice will be able to patent his or her genes.

Leaker Edward Snowden appears on the Chinese 10,000 Yuan note.

The NSA is rethinking its strategy of hiring security contractors from guys standing around the Home Depot lot.

Turkey illustrates why fewer and fewer countries are now building squares.

Challenged on their stop and frisk policy, New York City police will now frisk on the go.

The guy eating ice cream out of the machine and the guy licking the tacos are not the same guy. Good news is they will not be able to patent their genes.

The Wisconsin assembly passes a bill allowing your to stick donations right in your representatives g-string. After an ultrasound.

The immigration bill is hung up on migrating birds.

Penny’s whistling Hitler tea kettle re-design looks very much like Stalin.

The Census Bureau says Asians are the new Hispanics.

Tomato sauce good for the prostate but hard to slather on.

Turns out a chemical in food packaging is what makes you fat, so you may as well throw away the contents.

Study finds hands-free head banging still a driving distraction.

US tells leaker Edward Snowden he may be a Publishers Clearing House Winner, but must accept the giant plywood check in person.

The Putins divorce–Lyudmila gets everything east of Vladivostok. Turns out to be the Sea of Japan. Big opportunities in divorce law in Russia.

And, Rupert and Wendi Murdoch divorce, because frankly, she’s not getting any younger . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . . .
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Zumba Bumba Bumba & All the News That Isn’t

Posted June 3, 2013 by mefeld
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6-3-2013

A warning to early-adopters of self-driving cars–they tend to keep going without the self-parking option.

And watch out for the self-driving police cars.

Michelle Bachmann returns to her native soil.

Bachmann’s retirement leaves the Tea Party with just the front half of the horse.

6 billion Simolians laundered through Sims House Party.

Chinese baby: was it sewercide?

Walmart–everyday highly toxic waste. But, made in the USA!

On the ricin pen-pal front–a guy in Shreveport with a load of castor beans in his F-150 shouldn’t be too hard to find.

Ann Romney says she’s very, very partial to Paul Ryan, and in every, every way.

The Chinese buy Paula Deen.

Obama and Christie in another taffy pull on the Atlantic City boardwalk, to shouts of “get a room!”

Maine dance instructor gets 10 months for Zumba Bumba Bumba.

With Nike out of the picture, Livestrong to go with Ball Jar Rubbers.

Travelers to Mars advised to pack 1 million SPF sun block.
And, of course, your Oakleys.

The 100 millionth iPod sold brings the total up to $10 in taxes.

Guns labeled environmentally friendly go unsold.

Former Senator Bob Dole says he would not hold the current Republican Party’s pen.

$600 for a Stones ticket–with the Oxygen tank rental, comes to quite a pretty penny for the evening.

For the more sophisticated taste–Google under Glass.

Lunar industry staying up nights trying to keep up with the Solar industry.

Asteroid misses earth by so much its laughable.

Rise in consumer confidence not related to the economy. Just a nice day, kid weren’t screaming.

UPS to go with Big Brown drones.

Cruise passenger Bill of Rights: you can jump, eat the buffet before it spoils, or take your chances in a dinghy, and

It is now possible for a gay young man to be openly Boy Scout.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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