Whad'ya Know?

11-11-13

Presidential spokesman Elmer Fudd says “Sowwy!”

President apologizes, 60 minutes apologizes–wife has to be next.

But that there feller Ted Cruz sure nuff ain’t sorry fer nuthin.

Only confirms my long-held belief it’s always the wrong people who apologize.

Those health exchanges are confusing though–what are you supposed to exchange your health for?

Newly discovered knee ligament hurts already. Thinking of getting an artificial newly discovered knee ligament.

When the crack smoking mayor of Toronto goes to AA meetings he says, “Hi, I’m Rob and I’m a mayor.”

The mayor isn’t getting the dramatic weight loss he had hoped for.

Personally, I think it’s courageous a politician finally admits he’s on crack.

Senator Rand Paul issues a statement on the charges of plagiarism “When in the course of human events . . . ”

One of those guys in high school who copies your paper and doesn’t bother to change a word.

Google has all our data in a barge in San Francisco harbor, where NSA seals leap like porpoises.

Miami Dolphin linebacker Jonathan Martin intellectually bullied teammate Richie Incognito with references way over his head.

Doughnuts are the Alamo of trans fats.

They will have to pry the trans fats out of my cold chubby hands.

NSA offering unlimited data plan. And they never drop a call.

Obamacare renamed Blue Cross/Blue in the Face.

India’s first Mars spacecraft is a nonfunctional hammered brass pitcher.

Chris Christie rolls to victory in New Jersey.

Christie has his eye on the Taft bathtub in the White House.

Speaking more than one language allows for multilingual dementia, where you talk to yourself and have no idea what you’re saying.

Not so sure the Olympic torch is a good idea in the Space Station.

Strange baffling object in asteroid belt got nothing on what you see around here.

Mayans now thought have 3D printed Chichen-Itza.

On first day of twading Twitter raises a disappointing $140.

Woman charged with harassing Alec Baldwin gets get out of jail free card.

And the injury plagued Green Bay Packers secret emergency Def Con 3 quarterback is Terry Bradshaw . . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

10-28-13

Looks like Obama Lawn Care has a long row to hoe.

Several congressmen secretly pleased as punch with their Obamacare coverage. Speaker John Boehner, for one, is getting a new spine.

Obamacare going to a scratch-off lottery. Scratch 4 and get coverage head to toe.

Now you can sign up with a note tied to a rock thrown through Kathleen Sebelius’ window.

Lots of folks going overseas for healthcare–a hip in Belgium, for example, is 1/4 the cost, but how do you know it’s not chocolate?

Coming soon Call of Duty: Obamacare for Xbox.

McDonald’s McResource site for underpaid workers suggests McWelfare.

Galaxy 30 billion light years away sounds promising.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel complains when no one calls either.

If nothing else NSA taps have brought Germany and France together.

35 world leaders tapped but only Berlusconi worth listening to.

Must be a lot of roaming charges tapping every phone in Europe. Think it would be prohibitive.

In Greece, DNA tests prove blonde children occur randomly.

Coldest object in universe surprisingly not anybody I know.

Junk DNA now thought to be responsible for your face.

Washing your hands after a failed task makes you more optimistic unless the water is scalding, which sends you into a spiral of depression.

More female officials in NCAA football–really the only difference: no booth reviews.

Due to concussions Brett Favre now thinks he’s the Fonz.
Memory loss, huh? How convenient.

Elation at discovery of vegetarian piranha muted somewhat when found to eat vegetarians.

Last year for beards at World Series–looking like the Boston Chasidim does not inspire fear in opponents.

Republicans now squabble over which way immigration should go, in or out.

Survey finds best place to be a woman is anywhere you are dear.

Women are better at multi-tasking while men are better at multi-having-to-do-it.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

In All the Good News That Isn’t—

–Asteroid misses earth probably will again in 20 years
–House hearings bound to help with Obamacare signup
–NSA phone effort brings Germany & France together
–Ancient skull proves men are all alike
–Galaxy 30 billion light years away sounds promising
–Umpires work together to reverse call
–Still openings on one-way to Mars
–Bumper crop of pumpkins this Halloween
–Kim & Kanye meant to be, and
–Enough God Particles and we’ll really have something.

Building Inspection Division
City of Madison
Department of Planning and Economic Development

Dear Ms. Lester

Am in receipt of your most recent notice of the 3rd which, while taking no note of the considerable effort it must have taken for a man with 2 confirmed degenerative discs and lumbago to dismantle and remove the non-compliant fence along my driveway as well as cutting back the annually cited vegetation barely protruding over the sidewalk. Hats off, by the way, for catching even this minor intrusion over 12 cubic feet of city airspace even while missing the massive intrusion from the new condo development filling most of the next block, which, having been built right up to the sidewalk, pretty much insures that every plant on every balcony will, technically, be in violation of the overhanging vegetation over sidewalks ordinance, if an ordinance is what it is. May simply be a mindset, but, as the kids say, whatever.

At any rate, I was shocked to learn on the 3rd, that the couple of (admittedly overgrown) prickler bushes (not sure of the scientific name, but you know, with little red berries kids aren’t supposed to eat) which hurt like heck should one attempt to trim them, are in non-compliance. I think it may not be the bushes per se, but a belief on the part of building inspection that a vehicle leaving my driveway, that would be my vehicle, would have any and all views of pedestrians already wending their way through the adjacent jungle canopy obscured by said bushes. Ironically, said bushes were previously hidden by the aforementioned fence and, therefore, not a known hazard until the fence itself came down. I don’t know if you’re anything like me, Ms. Lester, but I’m a sucker for irony. I know in citation 2 you proclaimed (if that’s not too strong a word) that both fence and anything behind adjacent or near to it must be reduced to 24 inches in height, but, even if a guy had the right saw (Milwaukee reciprocating?) to do it, a two foot fence is going to look pretty silly, probably adversely impacting property values and economic development for all of us on the block, even if one of us, we suspect, keeps turning us in on all this. Believe me, being fined for two consecutive winters of not shoveling good enough when I pay a guy to do it is irretrievably lodged in my craw.

I have not actually measured said bushes since I can’t get close enough without lacerating, but, eyeballing, I would say 3 maybe 3 1/2 feet, with several spiky feelers reaching a couple of feet closer to the source of all life. That is just the nature of living things, I’m sure you will agree. I have never seen a 2 foot version of one of these prickly bushes in nature; there may be a bonsai version in Japan–if so, they are not popular around here. I remain willing and even anxious to don my big old cowskin gloves from Menards and hack them (say, that’s what they are, hackberries!) with my sling blade salvaged from an old mower, to the requisite 24 inches, but I fear not so much personal injury as the end of said bushes as we know them, and wonder if you might reassure me as to viability once slashed to code. I don’t mean to reduce this to viability vs. visibility but there you are. You know, I inherited the damn things, don’t even like them, but I do feel a sense of responsibility re their survival, perhaps because, at the end of the day, we’re all in the same boat.

Thank you so much,

Anxious to comply,

Michael Feldman