All the News That Isn’t Bad

Posted October 1, 2014 by mefeld
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All the News That Isn’t Bad

gmbyg

1. Gumby loves his bendy iPhone 6.
2. Tiny sea monkeys create giant ocean currents.
3. Derek Jeter not even thinking about baseball.
4. George Zimmerman did not get a reality show.
5. California banned single-use plastic bags but you can reuse ones you got forever!
6. Windows skips 9 goes right to 10.
7. We’re talkin’ endless pasta and bottomless salad!
8. Kim Jong Un feeling much better.
9. Mitt Romney says will not run again but might accept appointment as President, and
10. Brits who agreed to give up their oldest child for free wifi weren’t really going to do it . . .

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Gumby iPhone 6 and All the News That Isn’t

Posted September 29, 2014 by mefeld
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9-29-14

Million dollar marijuana crop discovered in Madison–we’re burning it as fast as we can.

India Mars orbiter beats Chinese, traveling at 25 mph, to Red Planet.

NASA Mars Rover drills into Mt. Sharp–Koch brothers have mineral rights to anything it finds.

Those of you gathering at Venice Beach for the George Clooney wedding, it’s the other one in Italy.
Quite the affair–can’t find a gondola for love nor money.

The British will not send in troops against ISIS according to spokesman Neville Chamberlain.

Obama Attorney General Eric Holder leaving the job. The Al Sharpton nomination may be hard to confirm.
Carlton from Fresh Prince wants to replace Holder, but they don’t look all that much alike.

Water on earth turns out to be older than the Sun, which means for a million years we didn’t know where all that dampness was coming from.

Paleontologists say dinosaurs had wings for 150 million years before they knew what they were for. Just swatted mosquitoes the size of geese with ’em for the longest time.
Never, in their wildest dreams, did dinosaurs think they would become chickens. Yet, they always tasted like chicken, which should have been a big red flag.

Derek Jeter leaves Yankees without disease named after him.
The Yankees are now expected to disband.
Kind of wish I would’ve followed his career before the end of it.

Climate Change March in New York added an estimated trillion tons of CO2 to the atmosphere from a million exhalers.
Changed Central Park into a reptile garden.

Cadillac secedes from General Motors making the minister’s Buick top of the line.
Watch for the new Springsteen release “Pink Buick” from the reissued “Buick Ranch” album.

My 3D printed car is in the 3D printed shop.

Kris and Bruce are breaking up, it’s official. Kris Koslowski and Bruce Bernstein–nice guys, wish them the best.

Is your iPhone 6 bending or are you happy to see me?
Gumby has one and he loves it!

Windows 9 coming out–that’s n-e-i-n.

FBI director a little hurt not included anymore in Friends and Family carrier plans.

People who spend long hours at work are more likely to develop medical disorders, but are more likely to be covered for them. So, it’s a trade off.

Multitasking found to shrink several lobes of the brain simultaneously.
Many multitaskers can drive, text and fill out accident reports simultaneously.

I’m a semi-tasker myself.

In Paris, a very short prankster arrested after walking several blocks under Kim Kardashian’s rear end. Well, il pleur.

North Korean leader feeling Kim Jong Unwell.

Wisconsin Republicans upset they can’t vote with their country club cards.

That new fence at the White House? Menards! Secret Service saved big money!

Like to remind those celebrating Oktoberfest it is September. And, anyway, October is spelled with a ‘c’ not a ‘k’.

This fall’s Milwaukee Brewers Cruise leaves port unexpectedly early–destination unknown.

That’s All the News That Isn’t gmbyg

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Voter ID and Me

Posted September 25, 2014 by mefeld
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I’m not clear on why I have to prove who I am in order to vote at St. James school, where I’ve shown up at the same gym and bake sale (have to say the brownies are a long way from the homemade ones of the ’80’s ) for over 25 years now. Given the number of losing candidates I’ve backed in this time, I’m a little surprised my picture isn’t on the wall of fame downstairs–then I wouldn’t need an ID. The other day Daniele Watts, the actress from Django Unchained, was stopped by an LA cop thinking she was a prostitute, and Ms. Watts refused to produce an ID, even her Screen Actors Guild card, merely because she “had done nothing wrong.” When you think of it, Americans have long been spared the “your papers!” demand from eastern European authorities endemic to 40’s movies, back when someone asking for your papers was shorthand for being in a totalitarian state, even if one on a Hollywood back lot.
Perhaps the mere fact that the poll worker working the A-F’s is a neighbor who goes right to my name while asking when they’re going to be finished with my porch should not be enough to allow me to waste my vote on yet another long shot, but, heck, why should familiarity only breed contempt? Back in Bush the Elder I remember producing an MG&E bill in my name at the address where I purported to live, and getting waved right in. Now, someone rifling through my garbage could have produced the very same, if soiled, bill and voted in my place at St James, but not only would he not have gotten past (let’s call her) Sarah, but his not stopping at the bake sale table and examining each and every brownie would have been a huge red flag.
It’s too easy to see irony in the fact that the only case of voter fraud in Wisconsin cited by the Supreme Court in the voter ID discussion was the guy in Milwaukee who voted 13 times for Scott Walker, who, due to temporary amnesia, could not even remember the absentee ballots or voting as his own and his girlfriend’s son. Terrible thing, temporary amnesia, especially in soap operas, but rather than inspiring a War on Temporary Amnesia, we, who had done nothing wrong, had to get state issued ID’s so we could know who we were even when we temporarily didn’t. Everyone, even (in fact, especially) those of us who had never voted for Scott Walker even once.
Renegade that I am, I’m thinking of bringing in my MG&E bill in November, as much for a joke as a protest, but poll watchers now can get close enough to see the outstanding balance, so I don’t know. Tell you one thing, though–this time I’m buying my brownies first.IMAG0464

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Pabst Red Ribbon and All the News That Isn’t

Posted September 22, 2014 by mefeld
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9-22-14

Old Milwaukee bought by Russians, to be rebranded as Old Petropavlosk-Kamchatsky.

Then there’s Pabst Red Ribbon.

Milwaukee Brewers one game away from Triple A.

White House intruder turns out to be Marian Robinson, President Obama’s mother-in-law.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell new host of America’s Funniest Home Videos. Knew he’d land on his feet.

Chinese schmatta site Alibaba IPO makes 40 thieves billionaires.

Man drops iPhone not news–iPhone drops man is news.

Joe Biden’s Jewish lawyer explains Joe’s ‘shylock’ crack–meant to say shamrock.

Sugar Bear Mama June Bye-Bye Honey Boo-Boo Boo-Hoo.
Hard to lose a reality show at that age.

During all the tumult, Wales secedes from UK without anybody noticing.

There are plastic microbeads in Crest toothpaste because microbeads have been shown to be an effective decay-preventing dentifrice when used in a conscientiously applied program of oral hygiene and regular professional care.

Anybody else with “swim to North Korea” on their bucket list?

Obama ISIS strategy: send in South Vietnamese regulars. Been spoiling for a fight.

Jameis Winston offensive player of the week.

My genius grant turned out to be ironic.

If Trump can come back to Atlantic City there’s hope for Nucky on Boardwalk Empire.

Millions of Americans having their U2 removed.
You know, Bono should forget this Apple business and go back to Cher.

Rihanna too physical for NFL.

Urban Outfitters says bloodstained Kent State sweatshirt belonged to their former marketing guy.

In Scotland, 55% take the high road, 45% take the low road.
Pro-independence Glasgow to seek Vatican City Status.

Too bad, I was anxious to see if Scotland would join NATO or the Warsaw Pact.

Rosetta spacecraft mistakenly lands on hemorrhoid instead of asteroid.
Easy mistake to make.

Adrian Peterson’s suspension gives him more time for the kids.

Other news from Scotland–the Royal and Ancient Golf Club votes to accept Royal and Ancient Women.
Must have to play through a lot at the Royal and Ancient Golf Club.

Diapergate for Wisconsin’s Scott Walker who claimed an alleged tax cut of $322 would buy 2700 diapers. Used maybe.
For the record, $322, if you had it (and you don’t) would buy 894 diapers at Sam’s Club, bulk.
And diaper users vote.

Want to vote in Wisconsin this November you’ll need a Voter ID and cheek swab or stool sample, the choice is yours . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t index

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5 Ways to Avoid Dying Before Your Time

Posted September 18, 2014 by mefeld
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5 Ways to Avoid Dying Before Your Time

 

1. Don’t wear a watch
2. Whistle well past the graveyard
3. Make plans for that day
4. Moisturize to avoid Spontaneous Human Combustion
5. Buy minutes from Justin Timberlake

 

 

 

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Endless Pasta and All the News That Isn’t

Posted September 15, 2014 by mefeld
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9-15-14

In Milwaukee, President Obama says “In heaven there is no beer . . .”
Very nearly his Ich bin ein Berliner moment.

Massive increase in carbon dioxide has people holding their breath.
Then you’ve got to try to choke off your methane.

Russia annexes Scotland averting a UK constitutional crisis.
I say Scottish independence now before Mel Gibson can make another movie.

Home depot data breached with everyday objects you can buy at Home Depot.

That’s Prince William in the throne room again with the morning sickness.
All babies are royal babies.

In the ISIS Crisis–
Trying to round up a posse, President Obama ends up in a remake of High Noon.
Probably not the guy you want to send to round up a posse–could lead to a Blazing Saddles situation.
The President says it will be a long effort eliminating ISIS, running well into the second Jenna Bush administration.
I did look it up and “a sustained effort to rout militants” is war.

Former New Orleans mayor Ray Nagin gets 10 years in a FEMA trailer.

Panera bans guns after man stirs up his strawberry parfait with a .38.

Now they want to keep our guns out of Krogers! When I pack At Krogers–and I don’t mean groceries–they take me 15 items more or less.

Due to health problems Rob Ford will not run again for mayor–or–
The Tumor That Saved Toronto.

What we take away from the Pistorius trial is always ask “honey, are you in there?” before shooting up the bathroom.

The Apple iWatch: the most annoying thing on your wrist since whatsername.

iPhone6 somewhat of a disappointment when the much anticipated iColonoscopy app is a no-show.
Apple’s Tim Cook calls it “epic.” In fairness, he calls his BM’s epic.

Olive Garden never ending pasta pass is the Magna Carta of fast food sit down.
No longer a recurring nightmare like the horrific Bottomless Salad.

Drug companies will take back unwanted drugs–now how about taking back the unwanted symptoms?

Airlines now allow you to listen to your Walkman if you put it in airplane mode.

Comrade Edward Snowden says the NSA has nude pictures of us all. Which means Snowden has nude pictures of us all. Which means Putin has nude pictures of us all. Which means, finally, Putin has nude pictures of Palin.

If you want your pictures in the Cloud throw them from the Bridge.
Otherwise, stash your Polaroids under the undies, second drawer from top.

Putin did not say he would take Kiev he said he would take Chicken Kiev.

New Israeli subdivision El Rancho Gaza fails to attract buyers.

Consumer Sediment reaches new depth.

Turning point on President Obama’s ISIS policy was not being able to get a tee time on Labor Day. Hey, they don’t control tee times in Martha’s Vineyard, yet.

New phone scam going around–if someone calls claiming to be your conscience and tells you withdraw $10,000 for yourself, hang up! Even if the voice sounds familiar.

UW Madison is 13th among Best Public Colleges–using Big 10 accounting we’re in the Top Ten!
Princeton again comes in number one school in the Princeton Review of Colleges. Had it been Badger Review, results may have been different.

That’s All the News That Isn’t pasta

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Been Long Time for Neanderthals and All News That Isn’t

Posted August 25, 2014 by mefeld
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8-25-14

Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan says ALS patients should douse themselves with ice water.

Indicted Texas Governor Rick Perry takes the ALS challenge in his cell with cup of tepid water, for which he is hosed-down by guards. So that worked out.

President Obama takes a working golf outing on Martha’s Vineyard because the Jihadist threat doglegs to the left.

Hillary throws Cubs cap in the ring, possibly with head in it.
Reaffirming allegiance to the worst team in baseball possibly not the best move, politically.

Big question in basketball, will Steve Windows Ballmer’s LA Clippers have a start button?

Speaking of which Windows 9 is coming. That means Windows 10 is just around the corner. Once they get all the way up to Windows 95, we will have come full circle. And then it’s out the windows.

Body cameras probably a good idea for police, but you know a cop’s body cam will be filled with waitress outtakes.

Snag holds up iPhone 6 production—Apple can’t get enough angel’s tears.
Jeff Bezos at Amazon cut a deal with the angels.

To lure passengers back, United offers a hot meal and a warm place to poop.
Fly the Basic Needs of United.

Research finds athletic kids can bulk up grey matter in brains and still not get much out of ‘em.

Cow jumps over moon, butter prices follow.
And even pigs can’t afford to be makin’ bacon.

NFL will pay Coldplay not to play at Super Bowl halftime. Nicki Minaj will perform, but was told she must face the crowd at all times.
After reacting ungraciously to detractors, Johnny Football now Johnny Flip-Off.

Neanderthals and humans last had sex 40,000 years ago and I know how they feel.

Released emails from grand jury investigation finds Red Cross disaster relief funds funneled into Governor President Walker campaign. Would explain the tsunami of cash.

A reminder—while your teens need to be vaccinated, there is not yet a vaccine for simply being a teen.

Older people sleep less since that’s when older people tend to die.

From his cell Rick Perry was heard to call for overwhelming force against Islamic State, although he may have said Florida State. Was muffled.

TSA airport scanners have been hacked; you can now order your posture pictures in 8 x 10, 5 x 7 or wallet size to trade with your fellow passengers.

That’s All the News That Isn’tneanderthal_elderly

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Pope Saves Kia Soul and All the News That Isn’t

Posted August 18, 2014 by mefeld
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All the News That Isn’tindex
8-18-14

Don’t eat salt, eat salt, it’s enough to make you cry–and that’s more salt!

In South Korea, Pope Francis saves his first Kia Soul.

Apple is storing its data in China in the iKungPao cloud.

In the taxi app wars, Berlin bans Uber und Alles.

After a 10 year and 4 billion mile journey to see one, turns out comets look a heckuva lot better from a distance. Big misshapen potato.

Bird fossil big as a very large man Penguinis lebronus found in Antarctica.

Russian hackers may have gotten my password–being followed by a Leo Tolstoy on twitter @countleo.

Johnny Manziel and Justin Bieber neck and neck for the Browns quarterback job.

VW recalls 150,000 cars making an achtung noise.

Mummies and Joan Rivers much older than they look due to being very well preserved.

Ice water now thought to cause ALS.

Wicked witch of the west dies from taking ALS ice water challenge.

Geneticists have edited the banana genome to have as many as 12 a’s and 8 n’s.

Aid convoy arrives at Ukraine border with load of used Russians.

In Ferguson, MO, first time anyone’s been happy to see the state patrol.

Here in Wisconsin, the city of Neenah reassures that its armored military vehicles will only be used against Menasha.

Sea World will upgrade Killer Whale habitats or else.

A thousand mini-robots who swarm together begin filling state jobs.

Texas governor Rick Perry indicted for wearing lensless glasses.

Abuse of power is a synonym for Governor of Texas.
Savannah Guthrie and I are happy to announce the arrival of 8 1/2 pound Vale Guthrie Feldman–I’ve already started her college fund.

That’s All the News That Isn’t

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Thor Looks Marvelous and All the News That Isn’t

Posted July 21, 2014 by mefeld
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7-21-14

45 years since either one step for a man or mankind on the moon–amazing how, given the technology of the day–they were able to fake the moon landing.

Chris Christie in Iowa blocks all traffic on the Roseman covered bridge.
And I mean personally–stuck right in it.
Nothing gets in or out of Winterset, Iowa.

Washington, DC decriminalizes marijuana, but it’s $5,000 and a year in jail for roach littering.
So, eat ’em if you got ’em.

You have Stage 14 Tour de France when the latex actually replaces the skin, and the seat–you don’t want to know.

Center for Disease Control rethinking its policy of storing infectious diseases in the sock drawer.
But, you can still subscribe to the mail order toxin-of-the-month club.

House proceeds with impeachment charges against President Obama–so far they only have uppity.

Energy drink cocktails found to give you just enough energy for another energy drink cocktail. And so on.
I took a 5 Hour Lethargy–at this point what am I going to do with energy?

Facebook has a new purchase button which finally makes it possible to buy a friend.

Japanese artist jailed for her vagina boat being held in 3D printed cell of her lady parts.

Big shakeup at Marvel Comics–Thor is now a woman and looks marvelous! Who knew what Thor’s secret weapons really were?
Captain America now Captain African-America–long overdue!
And Spidey hangs it up–actually living with a fly! Well, Jeff Goldblum.

Baseball commissioner and Milwaukeean Bud Selig will leave the post and go back to selling 1960 Ford Galaxy’s and 500’s.

Oklahoma says, same sex marriage, OK!

Amazon rolls out a service that, for 10 bucks a month, lets you read the books you already have.

Kia recalls 50,000 Souls. More on this on Sunday.

Barbie sales so far down she’s thinking of having a little work done.
See if she can raise them up again. The sales.
Real problem is with all that’s out there Barbie’s no longer the impossible dream for girls.

New Airbus jet liner so long it can taxi to its destination.

Google smart contact lens yells “help me! help me” after falling to carpet.

After Fiat merger with VW, just need Toyota for Axis Motors.

Harvard study finds early birds do not, in fact, get worms.

GM goes around ignition problem by returning to cranks.

NASA opens rocket competition to the average guy, which results in basements across America blowing up–garages on the west coast.

Here in Wisconsin, Governor President Walker calls for rolling back edjukayshun standards . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . . thor-001

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Tupperware Arrives for Leftovers and All the News That Isn’t

Posted July 14, 2014 by mefeld
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7-14-14

white-clouds-in-blue-sky-1032898-m copy
Cleveland the new Miami.
Both conventions and King James: hat trick for Cleveland.
Leaves Milwaukee only mistake on the lake.
Cleveland: More Than Garfield’s Tomb.
The LeBron Age.

Jason Kidd red-eyes to Rio to interview for coaching position.
Good news for Brazil–they have a dozen unusable stadiums which will make excellent ruins, and that means tourism.
OK which German prankster raised one of Jesus’ arms?
Some fear Germans want world more than cup.

39% of millennials support Hillary despite her being of another millennium.
Reminds them of their dad.

There is some hope Indiana won’t recognize hetero-marriage as well.
Six time zones they can’t manage a couple flavors of marriage?

NSA mined personal files of Americans including baby pictures–and, let me tell you, little Eddie Snowden was one pretty baby. Those cute little frames.

Edward Snowden has asked the Russians for a visa extension and fresh towels and sheets.
And, please, no more Dostoyevsky, Tolstoy or Kropotkin, particularly Kropotkin.
Having to prove phone not dead makes it all but impossible for zombies to fly to US.

Hobby Lobby will offer employees plans for knittable contraceptives.
Plus, there’s tons you can do with a hot glue gun and a little imagination.

New Harry Potter story–Middle Aged Harry and the Worrisome Prostate Number.

New Pink Floyd album, The Dark Side of the Prostate. Floyd ain’t so Pink anymore.

Cubs have one all star and he’s been traded. Making the other guys look bad.
May be able to play in retro uniform.

Dow Jones tops 31/2 bitcoin.

Good jobs report blamed on Obama.
President Obama is less popular than Nixon, who at least played the piano.

The House, still working on its first piece of legislation, sues President Obama for dereliction of duty.

Pistorius has disability anxiety but is taking murderous rage for it.

Waitresses at Rifle, Colorado diner carry loaded guns; tips up 100%.
Lot of folks leaving their watches and rings as well.

If nothing else, the Sterlings going to have some pretty ugly makeup sex.

Imagine what President Obama and Rick Perry couldn’t do together!

Alcohol does not benefit the heart but is great for the kishkes.

Seattle Seahawks appear listless and lackadaisical after weed approved in Washington State.

Spoilage Alert: The Leftovers ends with arrival of The Tupperware.

In new movie “Lucy” Scarlett Johansson uses 100% of brain 110% of body.

Potato Salad kickstarter hits $40,000–hoping for another 10k for bacon.

Brett Favre’s number 4 jersey will be buried at Lambeau Field but only with Brett in it . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t …..

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