Molotov! and All the News That Isn’t

Posted December 15, 2014 by mefeld
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12-15-14

After a disastrous first start for the Browns it’s now Jiminy Football Cricket.
LeBron gets a little too cavalier with Kate Middleton.
Taking this King James thing a little too seriously—doesn’t give him any special privileges with a future queen.

Will may not have the right stuff for the throne if he pretends to examine a jersey while Kate is getting elbowed under the boards.

Congress, like the rest of us, chooses paying its bills over suicide.

Court orders Texas to reveal where it gets its execution drugs—if it urns out to be CVS it kind of negates the whole cigarettes thing.

Pope Francis says dogs can go to heaven but not without stopping every three feet to stick their noses in something that’s not going to make it there.
St. Bernards, I assume, will have priority boarding. Have to lose the brandy.

The Pope was given a CD by a singing nun with her version of “Like a Virgin” on it.
But, shouldn’t it have been “Like The Virgin”?

Facebook will feature a dislike Zuckerberg button.
Thinking about a ‘meh’ button for when you don’t like or dislike.

Gas prices drop any more leisure suits will come back.

Consumer sediment piles up to 8 year high.

Paul Revere’s 1795 time capsule found to contain a coupon for Revereware.

Scientists have found a way to convert your bad white fat to good brown fat if you don’t mind being lightly sautéed.

The full text of Governor Rick Perry’s ‘Running for President’s not an IQ test’ reads ‘Luckily, running for President’s not an IQ test.’

Cubs acquire another pitcher to regift.

Poor sperm quality attributed to bad technique.

Lake sediment on Mars shows what Minnesota will look like in a few years.

Torture bad enough but CIA forced terror suspects to sing along with Barney’s ‘I love you, you love me.’

The Darwin Report finds a surprisingly low 90% of all idiotic acts resulting in unnecessary death are performed by men.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker wishes Jewish supporters ‘Molotov!’ during the Chanukah season—
Mr. Governor, Molotov to you and yours as well!

Governor Walker made up for his gaffe by lighting the giant magilla in the state capitol—and I mean the whole magilla!
That’s All the News That Isn’tcocktail-party-590x442

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Clam Engraving World’s Oldest Profession and All the News That Isn’t

Posted December 8, 2014 by mefeld
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12-8-14

North Korea denies hacking Sony Pictures, but Annie now stars Kim Jong Un as Daddy Warbucks.
Sony made the mistake of storing all its passwords in a folder marked ‘password,’ instead of a secured folder coded ‘asswordpay.’

100 brains missing from the University of Texas. A conservative estimate.
So far no missing brain reports.
Collected because brains still a novelty in Texas.

17 states band together to sue President Obama. That would be a confederacy, no?
Does mark the first time Wisconsin has joined the confederacy.
Well, the President shouldn’t have said ‘so sue me!’
Any litigants not suing the President are asked to clear the docket.

Duggar family reproduction close to critical mass; geneticists fear imminent Duggar DNA Big Bang.

Confirmed that was Richard III in the English car park because he was buried under a two door.

Cyber Monday was good but Hacker Tuesday was through the roof!

Only 349 shopping days til Black Friday.

So far Ray Rice has only been offered an elevator job at the Baltimore Hilton.
That’s counter-intuitive.

NASA Orion-Nowhere-Near-Mars Mission goes nowhere near Mars.
Thought it was the Onion Mars Mission because it sounds like it.

President Obama’s interest in police body cams a little icky.
Like he wants to see all those clips of Dunkin Donuts waitresses.

Had Ashton Carter not accepted the Defensive Department nomination the only remaining candidate to head the pentagon was Cap’n Crunch.

France recognizes the Palestinian state but still holds back on England.

LeBron may be too cavalier for Cleveland.

An engraved half-million year-old mollusk makes clam engraving the world’s oldest profession.

North Koreans ordered to remove ‘Jong Un’ from their names, and all Kims will be shot on sight.
Plus, anyone over 5 foot 3 will be lowered a foot.

Johnny Manziel taking night classes in accountancy.

Alabama anti-discrimination bill called the Tim Cook You Gotta Problem With That Bill.

This just in–the 100 brains stolen in Texas have been found at the Everything a Brain Store.

The House’s very first piece of legislation ends benefits for Nazis, many of whom had been grand-Nazi’d in.
Redundant, anyway, since Nazis are covered under Homeowners.

Mediterranean Diet could be the key to longer life if you go easy on the Albania.

Turns out ‘cease-fire’ means something entirely different in Russian.

Here in Wisconsin, despite believing in Right to Work, Governor Scott Walker has no plans to get a job.

That’s All the News That Isn’tclamshell-500x334

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If I Could Keep Exercise in a Bottle and All The News That Isn’t

Posted November 24, 2014 by mefeld
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11-24-14

That time of year again–torn between celebrating Grey Thursday, Black Friday and Cyber Monday.
Oh, and there’s another holiday in there, too, Thanksgiving.
That’s when the Pilgrims thanked the Indians for working on Thursday so they could get a head start on Christmas shopping.

Deer gun season is on in Wisconsin for folks who’d rather spend Grey Thursday and Black Friday in deer camp knowing they can be home for Cyber Monday.
Finally get to use all that deer urine been saving up all year.
You get deer urine by holding your gun on a buck for a half hour before shooting.

On the immigration front, Republicans are suing to deport Barack Obama.
Quite a few Cruzes on the deportation list–if I were Ted Cruz I’d just let it go.

Speaker Boehner says that President Obama has poisoned the well they threw him in.
Republicans plan to shut down the government until every man, woman and child willing to work is thrown out of the country for making the rest of us look bad.
A little shortsighted–what are the Republicans going to do with no one to do their landscaping?

The Weather Channel’s winter storm Al Roker pummels the east coast.
Buffalo is now a frozen Pompeii with people captured under 6 feet of snow in the act of shoveling and digging out their cars.

Adrian Peterson has been suspended for the season for some quality time with the kids.
Peterson will keep busy coaching Pop Warner.
Just my luck though–in Fantasy League I had Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice and Jay Cutler.

Asked about the 54 year difference between him and his new bride, Charles Manson says “if she dies, she dies.”

New hydrogen powered fuel cell cars have only one drawback: they have to be refueled at science fairs.

Messing with the Hulk’s wife could be the tipping point in the Cosby case.
Charles Manson’s comeback going a lot better than Bill Cosby’s.

Colorado charters its first bank for the marijuana industry, First Weed Savings & Toke.

Paul Ryan to chair the House No-Way By No-Means Committee.

They can’t keep Exercise in a Bottle on the shelf!

GPS can find dark matter in space but not where highway 26 shoots off of 151.

Sludge shows no sign of moving in the Keystone pipeline.
Hence the name sludge.

Federal judge to hear Pledge of Allegiance suit to replace “under God” with “under whatever.”

Bottom falls out from Pudding Pops stock.

England puts into service the first Poo Bus, powered by passenger generated methane gas. So, no go–no go.
Fortunately, the Poo Bus runs between Bristol and Bath, because they’re gonna need one.

Wisconsin’s Scott Walker under the mistaken impression he was elected President.
President Obama has been wondering who belongs to the folding chair behind his desk in the Oval Office.
If he doesn’t get the nomination, Walker is prepared to jump the fence and make a run for it.

That’s All the News That Isn’t stock-photo-40578552-exercise-in-a-bottle

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A Prayer of Thanksgiving

Posted November 19, 2014 by mefeld
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Go resignedly to the folks’ remembering it’s just for a few hours. Though you must make appearances At her side as well as your own, eat with as much relish as you can muster, for this, too, shall pass. Choose carefully your words, gingerly stepping around your cousin Leah’s latest fiasco with the Arthur Murray instructor, and ask not about Marlene.
Let on not that you have heard these stories before and utter them not aloud simultaneously nor anticipate the punch lines. Chew with vigor and bite thy tongue, for the bird hath been cooked since Tuesday, yet praise it tenderly for it never heard a compliment in life. Be sage about the dressing though you know not the origin of the little hard things; should you bite into a wedding band, return it with discretion. Though it resemble syrup, pour not the Manishewitz on the sherbet.

  Avoid your Uncle Lou; he is vexatious to the spirit. Kick not your little brother under the table, but show the forbearance of the season and pound him later. Picture Naomi and the kids as alien life forms, and learn from them. Shout not at Gram, for she heareth what she chooseth. Though you take on much wine, sing not the Barber of Seville nor show undue attention to your niece, who has become quite the young lady. If belch though must, let it not herald the start of a contest. Mince no words over the pie which passeth all understanding.
Above all, say nothing on the ride home, even though the temptation to cite what might have happened but didn’t be great. For that give silent thanks, resolving to firm up those plans for Aruba over Christmas.
Amenapture

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Poor Little Philae and All the News That Isn’t

Posted November 17, 2014 by mefeld
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11-17-14

Putin putting a shawl over Chinese President Xi’s wife was maybe a good move, but putting a shawl over Obama was going too far.
That convoy of Russian tanks going into Ukraine? Carrying shawls for soldiers shoulders. That Sister Susie sewed.

Hard not to identify with little comet lander Philae–
Travel 40 million miles, get one shot at it and your harpoon doesn’t fire.
Probably psychological after being ejected by Rosetta.
Hit the target, bounce a mile up in the air and land in a ditch.
Sounds all too familiar.
Barely enough energy left for one drill.
Why land on a comet when it’s the same as staying here?

China agrees to blow all emissions into Russia in retribution for Putin messing with Xi’s wife.
Chinese emissions–half hour later you feel like emitting again.
On the other side of the globe–you know half their emissions will be nocturnal.

In the Brave New Republican World, the red tide will change the EPA to the ERA– Environmental Rejection Agency–and not only build the Keystone sludge pipeline but let it empty into the Mississippi, greatly reducing transportation costs.
Obamacare will be amended to exclude all pre-existing, existing, and pretty likely to exist conditions.

Mormon Church admits it was originally the Church of Latter Day Wives.
They say that founder Joseph Smith had up to 40 monogamous wives.
By now, even the youngest would be 214.

In fairness, the Mormons were the new Israelites, and King David had a pyramid scheme of wives. The Ten Commandments said don’t covet neighbors’ wives, nothing about collecting them.
Well, it’s a thin line between monogamy and monotony.
I had 2 wives, myself, but sequentially. Could’ve saved a lot of time.

First house in Hawaii has been incinerated by lava, and, it he’s anything like me, the guy forgot to pay the lava insurance. Better check–it’s not covered in homeowner’s.

Taken this long for Kim Kardashian to get it all back in again. That’s why they oiled it.
Kim Kardashian’s rear end sure puts things in perspective.
Now we know what happened to Kris Humphries–he’s still in that thing.
Kanye better watch his step–slippery.
Lot like landing on a comet.

Long term marijuana use linked to abnormalities in the far-out region of the brain.
People who still call it grass should be allowed to buy it at True Value.

In the US, Ebola’s better but my Republican’s inflamed.
On the net neutrality front, Ted Cruz says let them eat dial-up!

The Russian ruble has plunged so far Putin was hoping Madame Xi would tip when he helped her with her wrap.

Post Office snail mail has been hacked by a Shopper Stopper denial of service attack–that’s where the Shopper Stoppers don’t stop.

Taking the Kardashian dare, Taylor Swift is greasing up.

Cake boss Buddy Valastro arrested for driving while frosted.

More turkeys planning to travel this Thanksgiving. At least those that already aren’t frozen in their tracks.

Republicans deport the President’s turkey before he could pardon it.

Arkansas governor Mike Beebe pardons his son on a drug conviction–but you’re still grounded, mister!

Here in Wisconsin, with control of both houses freeing up the legislative process, Governor Scott Walker decides to take the capitol condo . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .B2VUCpOCAAENyMs.jpg thumb

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Ted Nugent Kennedy Center Honors and All the News That Isn’t

Posted November 10, 2014 by mefeld
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11-10-14

First snow big enough to get a Weather Channel name but did A have to be Armageddon?

Still haven’t told Joe Biden the election results.
Or that the exploratory committee won’t be necessary.

President Obama hosts Congressional leaders in the post-election Hunger Games on the South Lawn.
Michelle will be handling the bow and arrow.

Some good news for the Dems–contributions are now considered charitable.

Mitch McConnell lockjawed into Cheshire Cat smile.
Or maybe it’s the Four Roses smiling.
His ladies-head-for-the-exits smile.

Meanwhile, Speaker John Boehner is OK after choking on his own spittle.
Bad winner.
Young bucks will be putting him out to stud.
If it’s not too late.

Always gracious in victory Republicans lining up to kick the fallen Obama.
House floor starting to look like Ferguson, MO.

Republican rapture leaves Scott Brown behind.
Looking for another vacant state.

A-Rod gave his cousin a million bucks and he still wouldn’t sfu.

Lone grey wolf sighted roaming the north rim of the Grand Canyon, or it might be Barack Obama.

In an interview with Brian Williams Mark Zuckerberg reveals that when he goes to reunions he says he invented Post-Its.

New birth policy in China–with 2 you get egg roll.

Latvia’s foreign minister says he’s gay as the Tim Cook domino effect topples on.
Some rumblings from Lithuania, Estonia and Wyoming.

Ray Rice should take the dumbwaiter.

Everybody and my brother now says they killed Bin Laden.
Room that crowded lucky they got off the shot.

Dallas fans ask “Romo oh Romo wherefore art thou?”

We’ll see what the Justices have under their robes when same sex marriage is thrown in the Supreme Court’s lap.
Pass on Clarence.

Bats can not only jam signals of rival bats they can throttle their bandwidth.

Jihadists are reaching ISIS lines on Carnival Cruise Ships.
If they could see me now!

After the Republican sweep Ted Nugent edges closer to Kennedy Center honors.

Pot approval in DC coinciding with mid-terms no coincidence.
The President’s not smoking cigarettes behind the White House Guard Post.
And neither is the Secret Service.

For his next Chicago high wire challenge Nick Wallenda will attempt to walk over a Bears game.
Why not–everybody else walks over the Bears.
Who knew the Bears were Democrats?
In fairness, Canadian football has gotten a lot tougher.

New ride service out there called Jack–you get to pick the car.

Ten year study which found work dulls the brain took so long because researchers lost interest in it totally.

With the Federal court ruling 4 states out of same-sex marriage, couples may want to plan their honeymoon trips through contiguous states.

President Obama sends secret letter to Iran’s Supreme Leader asking how he does it.

Here in Wisconsin, losing gubernatorial candidate Mary Burke back at the Guangdong Trek office.

The Scott Walker recall got underway Wednesday morning.

Woodcock season ends–get one?

That’s All the News That Isn’tted-nugent

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Feldmans Chanukah Letter

Posted November 5, 2014 by mefeld
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Annual Feldmans Chanukah Letter November 5, 2014

Oy, what a year! If it wasn’t one thing, it was one other. The girls, knock on wood, are doing great. Ellie graduated mid year (she couldn’t wait until spring–so hard it is to stall for another semester?) from the UW, with honors, if I might add, although in something called Human Ecology. I get Human & I get Ecology, what I don’t get is Human Ecology. What, a landscape littered with humans? With this you can make a living? Human Ecologist Wanted I have yet to see in the help wanteds. But she’s very bright, not to brag, and very hard-working and she’ll find something even if it doesn’t involve humans or ecoscapes. With her personality and brains, and my money, she can’t miss.
Nora, the younger one, is finishing up her second year, already, can you believe, also at the UW. This one, as well on the honor roll, just saying, in Communication Arts, which would seem to cover just about everything, including, I shouldn’t wonder, Human Ecology or at least that part which is communicated. Most recently she messaged she is getting her “digital arts certificate” which has got to be a good thing in the digital arts age. With the writing and the film, also, this one, a screenplay, loosely based on our family in which the father was an endearing & humorous character, and the mother referred to with the b word, and I don’t mean b’nai b’rith. What can I say, you can’t stop the creative ones from depicting life as they see it.
Speaking of the better half, the highlight of my wife’s year I would say was jury duty, perfect for a classic adjudicator. If there were such a thing as judge & jury duty they could call her for that full time. At work now, in the physical therapy department, they have to wear tee’s with their names on the pockets and she says she feels more like a crew chief than a health care professional. The upside is that she no longer faces the constant sartorial challenges with only the black slacks and Marshall’s tops to worry about. Not sure if they let her wear the crocs still.
As for me, when this doesn’t hurt, that does, and vice versa. Still waiting for one thing to get better and, you know me, always the optimist, I think it could be 2015 or 16. Really wondering what it will be. Not the eyes I don’t think. Still hear my mother’s voice, asking are you still working, and, yes, mom, I am, and still getting the feeling she doesn’t believe me. A spotty work history I had for many years, granted, and mom not considering driving cab or radio a real job, and I’m beginning to think she was right. Probably I should have had something to fall back on, eggs and baskets, as mom used to say, but, on the other hand, she used to say one back scratches the other.
Well, looking back it actually has been a much better year than I remember it being while in progress, and I am very grateful for that, and for the love and friendship of friends and family and forbearance of others.
Many boruchas and gizunts to you all for the coming year from all of us,

Love,

The Feldmans hqdefault

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Little Nora Turns 21

Posted November 3, 2014 by mefeld
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Here is the Whad’ya Know broadcast from November of 1993 to prove it, even if the bouncer at the Kollege Klub won’t accept it–

Happy 21 Dear Nora! from your ever-lovin’ Dad

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Walk Like a Kangaroo and All the News That Isn’t

Posted October 20, 2014 by mefeld
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10-20-14

Apple introduces the new ultra-thin super-long iPad Maxi–with wings!

In lieu of parking space Apple offers to freeze the eggs of female employees, who will be able to hatch them through the App Store.
Response has been mixed–many women saying a fridge for their lunches would be nice.
Some fear that it’s part of Steve Job’s eugenics plan to create test-tube Appleheads who will automatically upgrade with every product introduction.
Still waiting to see where Hobby Lobby falls on the egg-freezing thing.
Meanwhile, gentlemen, don’t see Apple freezing our sperm anytime soon.

Whole Foods rolls out good, better and best rankings of its food–whole, wholer and wholier than thou.
At these prices better all be best, or I go to Half Foods.

Dow Jones sinks to Davy Jones.
Not to pin blame, but now the index is known as the Obama Jones.

Ebola Czar–there’s an honor you could live without.
Of all the possible czarships available–used car czar, ladies wear czar, fantasy football czar–Ebola the least appealing.
Made a good choice for the job, though–if you can be Joe Biden’s aide, Ebola czar a piece of cake.

Good news on the infinite eating front–between the new Lifetime Starbucks and Endless Pasta a guy could pretty much go nonstop till the end. Assuming endless Obamacare.

Elections around the corner–polls show likely voters neck and neck with unlikely voters.
We have likely voters, pretty-likely voters and forgot-to voters.
When the dust settles, Republicans should control House and Senate and just be a President away from the 7th Seal of the Apocalypse.

Turns out ancient kangaroos did not hop but staggered, much like modern Australians.

Scientists say there is ice-water on the planet Mercury, you’ve just really got to be thirsty to get to it.

In economic markers, builders’ confidence down one floor and a mudroom.

Good news is it looks like no Polar Vortex this winter; Bad news is the Weather Channel still thinks it can misname winter storms, from Astro to Zellus, with Gorgon, Linus, Pandora and Remus in-between.

The war against ISIS, if you can call it a war with only one side fighting, now, at least, has a name: Inherent Resolve.
Rejected names include Indignant Retort, Insipid Resort, Intrinsic Remonstrance, Insolvent Residue, and Take That Sucker.
Ann Romney says “Done. . . done. . .done. . .done.” She did not say with what or whom.

The True Value plumbing module arrives at the International Space Station, must return to earth having wrong washer.

Alien spacecraft buzzes UW’s Camp Randall Stadium during Badgers Jump Around sensing possible hostile intergalactic intent.
Departed when they saw just playing Illinois.

The first Google Glassaholic in rehab straight-jacketed to prevent endless tapping of right temple with index finger.

Woman sues fertility lab for getting incorrect sperm.
Wish I had a nickel for every incorrect sperm. Billions of nickels add up.

Everyone continues to blameis Jameis.

New Google Express delivery can send items to you in the past.
Hard part is trying to remember what you really didn’t need in 1974.

Governor Walker says Wisconsin Open for Ebola.

Walker also said minimum wage serves no purpose while child labor needs to allow for jobs where it takes a little person to get in there–oven cleaning, well digging, volcanology . . . .
That’s All the News That Isn’t_78197623_brianregal

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Tesla D Talks to Officer for You and All the News That Isn’t

Posted October 13, 2014 by mefeld
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10-13-14

A lot of 17 year-olds disappointed they didn’t get the Nobel Peace Prize.

Kim Jong Un on North Korean milk cartons–and full size!
Probably gone back to his Gangnam style day job.

Hewlett-Packard reforms as Packlett-Heward.

President Obama voluntarily checks into leper colony.
They send my wife out on my engagements drag the river!

Apparently Red Bull does not give you wings. A class action suit on behalf of Red Bull drinkers who believed they could fly gets you 2 free cans of Red Ball and knee pads.

Reacting to the loss of Voter ID, Wisconsin Republicans require pap smear or prostate probe to vote.
I’m taking the pap smear–much less chance of finding something wrong.

Vatican streamlines annulments–now one Hail Mary and Two Our Fathers and you’re outta there.

40,000 year-old cave painting called derivative.

Dairy Queen customer data hacked–that makes everybody they didn’t get at Target and Home Depot.

Sarah Palin says it was not a brawl it was a baby shower.

Three Nobel Prizes for LED’s seems a little high. If they were tiny light-emitting Nobels I could see it.

Holiday sales projections suggest you will have a 4.1% merrier Christmas.
Chanukah will be 8.3 days.

Gay couples lose their last chance to say “Honey, really wish we could get married.”

AT&T guilty of phone cramming–that’s where they take your phone and . . . too easy.

Koreas exchange friendly fire.
Point of pride there is no DMZ between Wisconsin and the UP.

New Tesla D autopilot accelerates from 0 to 60 in 3.2 seconds in any direction it feels like. The D will brake, correct for lane wandering and explain to the officer it wasn’t your fault.

Green Day to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame–how old does that make you feel, kids?

That’s All the News That Isn’t

 

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