Walk Like a Kangaroo and All the News That Isn’t


Apple introduces the new ultra-thin super-long iPad Maxi–with wings!

In lieu of parking space Apple offers to freeze the eggs of female employees, who will be able to hatch them through the App Store.
Response has been mixed–many women saying a fridge for their lunches would be nice.
Some fear that it’s part of Steve Job’s eugenics plan to create test-tube Appleheads who will automatically upgrade with every product introduction.
Still waiting to see where Hobby Lobby falls on the egg-freezing thing.
Meanwhile, gentlemen, don’t see Apple freezing our sperm anytime soon.

Whole Foods rolls out good, better and best rankings of its food–whole, wholer and wholier than thou.
At these prices better all be best, or I go to Half Foods.

Dow Jones sinks to Davy Jones.
Not to pin blame, but now the index is known as the Obama Jones.

Ebola Czar–there’s an honor you could live without.
Of all the possible czarships available–used car czar, ladies wear czar, fantasy football czar–Ebola the least appealing.
Made a good choice for the job, though–if you can be Joe Biden’s aide, Ebola czar a piece of cake.

Good news on the infinite eating front–between the new Lifetime Starbucks and Endless Pasta a guy could pretty much go nonstop till the end. Assuming endless Obamacare.

Elections around the corner–polls show likely voters neck and neck with unlikely voters.
We have likely voters, pretty-likely voters and forgot-to voters.
When the dust settles, Republicans should control House and Senate and just be a President away from the 7th Seal of the Apocalypse.

Turns out ancient kangaroos did not hop but staggered, much like modern Australians.

Scientists say there is ice-water on the planet Mercury, you’ve just really got to be thirsty to get to it.

In economic markers, builders’ confidence down one floor and a mudroom.

Good news is it looks like no Polar Vortex this winter; Bad news is the Weather Channel still thinks it can misname winter storms, from Astro to Zellus, with Gorgon, Linus, Pandora and Remus in-between.

The war against ISIS, if you can call it a war with only one side fighting, now, at least, has a name: Inherent Resolve.
Rejected names include Indignant Retort, Insipid Resort, Intrinsic Remonstrance, Insolvent Residue, and Take That Sucker.
Ann Romney says “Done. . . done. . .done. . .done.” She did not say with what or whom.

The True Value plumbing module arrives at the International Space Station, must return to earth having wrong washer.

Alien spacecraft buzzes UW’s Camp Randall Stadium during Badgers Jump Around sensing possible hostile intergalactic intent.
Departed when they saw just playing Illinois.

The first Google Glassaholic in rehab straight-jacketed to prevent endless tapping of right temple with index finger.

Woman sues fertility lab for getting incorrect sperm.
Wish I had a nickel for every incorrect sperm. Billions of nickels add up.

Everyone continues to blameis Jameis.

New Google Express delivery can send items to you in the past.
Hard part is trying to remember what you really didn’t need in 1974.

Governor Walker says Wisconsin Open for Ebola.

Walker also said minimum wage serves no purpose while child labor needs to allow for jobs where it takes a little person to get in there–oven cleaning, well digging, volcanology . . . .
That’s All the News That Isn’t_78197623_brianregal

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