Cliff Huxtable Loses Obstetrics License: All the News That Isn’t

Posted February 8, 2016 by mefeld
Categories: comedy, radio

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2/8/16

The results from the Iowa Caucuses mean nothing–if America were like Iowa we’d be up to our knees in hog manure and our ears in tassels.
Loved the headline in the local paper “Jewish Boy Wows Hog Farmers.”
Biggest winner in Iowa is Mexico–now they don’t have to pay for the damn wall.

North Korea satellite seriously resembles Kia Soul.

Cliff Huxtable loses obstetrics license.

No evidence to charge Orange County teacher who helped prisoners escape despite the fact that all three got A’s!

Toyota will pay back thousands of minority buyers who were overcharged, but not one dime for all the white guys who got the undercoating.

Study concludes if you use marijuana every day you are probably living in Colorado.

Drug gouger Martin Shkreli calls House committee “imbeciles,” proving even a broken clock is right twice a day.

Center for Disease Control tells young women drinking wine makes you pregnant, while two beers means twins.
99 million year old Daddy Longlegs with an additional long leg a reminder that should you have an erection lasting longer than 99 million years see your doctor.
Who, hopefully, has also been preserved in amber.

First Playboy clothed issue returns full frontal nudity to the hotel mirror where it does not belong.

Feng shui expert says Donald Trump’s mouth entirely in the wrong place for him to be president.

All over but the shouting at the Super Bowl with one big question looming: will this be the last game for one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time Cam Newton?
Now we just have to wait and see if Cam thanks Olivia Munn at the MVP ceremony.
For Peyton Manning it’s pizza, pot and now this.

 

Here in Wisconsin the former Scott Walker, facing a sizable debt from a botched presidential campaign, seen sitting on a traffic island with sign, “Will wurk for million Dollerz.”

cliff_huxtable_cosby_show

That’s All the News That Isn’t

Julia Louis-Dreyfus on Whad’ya Know

Posted January 29, 2016 by mefeld
Categories: radio

Tags: ,

https://soundcloud.com/michael-feldman-2/julia-louis-dreyfus-on-whadya-knowjulia2-1

Putin’s Wooly Mammoth and All the News That Isn’t

Posted January 18, 2016 by mefeld
Categories: comedy, politics, radio

Tags: , ,

1-18-16

Cruz charges Trump with New York values–if he means Billy Joel I’m with him on this one.
Trump charges Cruz with Saskatoon values–Gordie Howe Bowl and that.

Republication of Mein Kampf reveals Trump’s best lines were stolen.
Hitler back in print, Cosby out–Fatherland, Ja, Fatherhood nein.

Survey finds Walmart closings way more alarming to Americans than the government being overthrown.
At least the Walmart greeters have panhandling skills.

At $30 barrel now worth more than oil.
Bottom has fallen out of sludge entirely; Keystone the pipeline to nowhere.

President Talks Sense to Congress Leaves Them Baffled.
President Obama’s last State of the Union like Mr. Cleaver sitting with his arm around the Beav times 435.
434–Eddie Rand Paul Haskell was chatting up Mrs. Cleaver.
Side note–Kim Davis came stag illustrating the state of her union.

Netflix’s Making a Murderer wins Golden Globe for best comedy.

Most of the Powerball 1.5 billion will go to repay Ted Cruz’s Goldman Sachs loan.

Reacting to another whiteout at the Oscars, the Academy has decided to award Morgan Freeman the Lifetime Achievement Award annually until further notice.
Morgan Fairchild mistakenly given it this year.

Market upside: the more the Dow sinks the simpler it will be to probate my estate.

Light seen coming from a black hole because they don’t want people to think no one’s home.

Donald Trump will not be banned from the UK but will be quarantined.

Discovery of butchered wooly mammoth in Siberia suggests Putin family goes way back.

Here in Wisconsin–Screech booked into Ozaukee County Jail–Netflix all over it.

That’s All the News That Isn’t Vladimir-Putin-Riding-a-Mammoth-95456

The Famous and Infamous Ricky Gervais on Whad’ya Know

Posted January 13, 2016 by mefeld
Categories: radio

Tags: ,

https://soundcloud.com/michael-feldman-2/ricky-gervais-on-whadya-knowRicky-Gervais-

North Korean H20 Bomb and All the News That Isn’t

Posted January 11, 2016 by mefeld
Categories: politics

Tags: , , ,

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Turns out North Korea does not have the H-bomb–they have an H2O bomb-a really big water balloon.
Survey shows 9 out of 10 Americans would rather see Kim Jong Un than Donald Trump with an H-bomb.
You know he would use it on Macy’s for dropping his line of Trump-wear for the fascist on the go.
South Korea’s response of blasting K-Pop across the DMZ said to be disturbing Kim’s Katy Perry listening on his Beats.

Oregon militia leader compares self to Rosa Park, because she only wanted a seat on the bus and to graze 100,000 head on public lands.
Law officials tell Oregon occupiers, “Just keep it white.”
Can’t really arrest your brother-in-law even if you’d like to.

Donald Trump says if the Brits ban him they can forget about the Lusitania–she’s going down.

New VW electric car will burn coal for electricity.

The general perception that Hillary is too close to big banks comes from the fact that she dresses like a teller.

Donald Trump raises the point that Canadian-born Ted Cruz can’t be president.
The bigger question is can the only unlikeable Canadian ever be elected president?

Rams offer to take St.Louis to California with them.
About time the Rams settled down.

Following President Obama’s gun control speech sale of ray guns on Uranus skyrocket.

Modifying their DNA can make ants change their jobs, so there’s hope for the rest of us.

After the Netflix furor over the Steve Avery conviction, History Channel viewers demand the release of Hitler.

Johnny Manziel defects to ISIS.

Aging Millennials saving more because YORO–You Only Retire Once.

Survey shows 3 bisexual women for every 1 bisexual man–so how is this gonna work? Shifts?

Showing his lighter side, President Obama opens his last State of the Union singing “You can have her, I don’t want her, she’s too fat for me.”

In Health and Fitness–

Fitness DVD”s can lead to poor body image, with the exception of Richard Simmon’s “Fitness Fiesta.”
Fitbit sued by users who claim the heartbeat monitor actually tracks their Beats headphones–so your heartbeat is not 140, Dr Dre’s is.
90% of Americans consume too much salt–on the other hand, they are very well preserved.
Brits told only 6 pints per week, making for a very sobering Sabbath.

Overnight the Oregon occupiers filter out to get Powerball tickets–because with a billion dollars the cows can graze wherever they damn well please . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t

2015: All the News That Wasn’t

Posted December 26, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized

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All the News That Wasn’t for 2015
January: Candidate Scott Walker takes his first foreign trip ever to the UP.

February: Mike Huckabee compares being gay to drinking because he’s only gay when he drinks.

March: Hillary’s emails will be released just as soon as Bill’s Snapchats are pulled out.

April: New England Patriot Act: you can collect a guy’s data but you can’t deflate a guy’s balls.

May: President Obama calls a Gulf Summit and only two guys from Gulfport show up.

June: Canadian creationist discovers 60 year old T-Rex.

July: Pope Francis clarifies his remarks by saying that “fettered capitalism, however, only faintly reeks of the dung of the devil.”

August: At the Iowa State Fair woman pulls Trump hair, head falls off.

September: House of Representatives votes down Planned Parenthood, gives every planned child 30 days to get out.

October: Playboy to no longer feature nudes in the magazine; generations of boys will now grow up never knowing what a naked lady does not look like.

November: Dow jumps 150 points–if a world in chaos is what it takes for my IRA, so be it.

December: Human brains are neither male nor female unless she says they are.339a158e77cd4c998fed05cd9cac6ed3-donr61

Marmosets Flying Drones and All the News That Isn’t

Posted December 21, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized

Tags: , , ,

12-21-15

 

California says driverless cars must have a steering wheel and brakes. OK with me either way–I never use ’em.

There has to be a driver in driverless cars, although you can put an inflatable behind the wheel– just move him over from the passenger side..

I’d like to have a self-driving car and neither of us drive. Just park and talk.

Maybe stop at a driverless-in for something food-less.

 

You know if driverless cars must have drivers, drones will soon be required to have marmosets flying them.

Bad enough you’re supposed to register them–before I register they will have to pry my drone out of my cold dead neighbor’s head.

 

In the Newsless News–

 

Pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli’s bail increased 5000%.

Shkreli will be incarcerated with lifers on Daraprim.

 

Homeland Security retrieves the Terror Alert Thermometer–United Way had it.

The problem with Homeland Security has always been that it sounds like a Savings & Loan.

 

Rate increase by the Fed could send personal savings rates skyrocketing to .25%.

 

Fake email threat that shutdown LA Unified schools was signed Ferris Bueller.

 

Vladimir Putin says of Donald Trump, “Is reminding me of self.”

In Israel the new Star Wars released as The Foreskin Awakens.

The Force Awakens brings redemption for older men who’ve had little use for their light sabers until now.

 

Bernie accesses Hillary’s Tinder data.

 

Mother Theresa gets her second miracle while Pete Rose fails to get his first.

 

Due to climate change, Lake Superior is warming 2 degrees per decade–should be safe to take a plunge by 2525.

 

Thanks to Harrison Ford and Carrie Fisher you get a senior discount at The Force Awakens.

 

Not only is there a Nativity scene in a Tennessee McDonald’s, the three wise men are Ronald McDonald, the Hamburglar, and Mayor McCheese.

 

Tom Brady misses Patriots practice after coming down with the Trumps.

 

Caitlyn Jenner is named Barbara Walters most fascinating person of 2015, while Bruce Jenner is named the least.

 

That’s All the News That Isn’tuntitled

The Feldmans Annual Report for 2015

Posted December 16, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized

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2015 for the Feldmans not the best of years, not the worst of years although it was a tale of two cities. A good year, even if it did start out with the passing of our dear puggle, Tina, in January, 10 years after little Ellie said she needed something to love, someTHING, so it couldn’t be US, it had to be a puggle, and the puggle had to be Tina, who, of course, turned out to be someone and not a thing at all, someone we now miss every day.
Largely to keep Dad, Tina’s pet, from brooding, we soon adopted Bella, a poogle, which is like a puggle only with poo in front, sight unseen from an Amish farm (you know the Amish and cameras) and she turned out to be love at first bite. “From Amish to Jewish,” Ellie likes to say, “and very much the ish.” Whatever that means.
Professionally, Whad’ya Know celebrated 30 years on the air, which comes to at least 1,080 shows, 796 of which weren’t too bad. Awards galore in 2015 for WYK include the coveted Mr. Peabody award from boy Sherman, the Genius Award, which turned out to be ironic, and a bar chip–good for one cocktail– from Schmidty’s in La Crosse, east of K-mart on Hwy 33. Naturally, Michael would do it all even without the recognition, but, come on, Schmidty’s.
The girls, I mean the young women, are doing great–Ellie, already in the record books as the first real estate agent to still be living at home, added a second first: the first agent with her own agency, the self-named Ellie Feldman Realty, still living at home. Not saying she’s good at her job, but if she keeps on selling houses at this rate one of them is bound to be ours, and we’ll be out on the street. At the very least we might have to ask her for rent, retroactive to middle school.
Nora spent her junior year not at the conveniently-located-10 blocks-away-highly- regarded-University of Wisconsin, but, rather, at the mas o menos Universidad de Sevilla, inconveniently located, as the name suggests, in Sevilla, Spain, although quite convenient to the aeropuerto where flights to all major cities in Europe, Asia Minor and North Africa can be had for something to do on weekends to drive your hanging by a Skype parents loco. You know, at a certain age you have to stop worrying about them, but I haven’t reached that age yet. Last year Nora spent time in Peru and Nicaragua, and now just needs 17 countries in Central and South America to complete her dream of total Latin domination.
Should people ask I say I have one real estate agent and one Latina, so you never know how they’ll turn out.
Sandy is much the same, even more so, still doin’ PT and lovin’ it, still with the same therapist joke–“therapist: the-rapist, get it?” which may be why she rarely sees a patient a second time. Or maybe she’s just that good.
Well, gotta go–Bella wants to go to bed and won’t unless I’m curled up at the foot.
That’s The Feldmans for 2015–31 years of marriage, 30 of radio–and one of ’em went just like that!
A tu salud, Papa Feld

The Feldmans

The Feldmans

man

Putting the Pot Back in Chipotle and All the News That Isn’t

Posted December 14, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized

Tags: , , ,

12-14-15

Paris climate talks agree on sunny with a high of 72.

Whole climate thing will be moot once Washington is at the bottom of the Potomac.

Drinking good for Alzheimer’s patients who can remember where they hid the bottle.

Trump and Mothra last 2 Republican candidates standing.

Consumer sediment rises to 4 year high.

Millennials willing to fight ISIS with Call of Duty Black Ops 3.

Millennials believe the American Dream is dead and mom and pop don’t look so good either.

New laser car cameras can see around corners so you can time your collisions so he gets the worst of it.
Just barely brush the pants of pedestrians crossing the street.

Beijing smog red alert–actually, they’ve had hundreds this was just the first one they could see.
So, really, things are looking up in Beijing.

Trump cancels Israel trip after Netanyahu not anti-Muslim enough for him.
Some say it was really because Trump Wailing Wall fell through.

23 Syrian refugees have 30 million Texans holed up in the Alamo.

VW says that only a small group of underlings was responsible for the Third Reich.

Chipotle takes the responsibly raised Montezuma’s revenge off the menu.
They’re putting the pot back in Chipotle.

Study finds that not only does happiness not make you live longer it makes you feel a lot worse about dying.

Cubs trade for the entire St. Louis Cardinals.

Fiat/Chrysler fined $70 million by the oxymoron police.

Antibiotic use on farms up despite Holstein promises to kick.

Some prairie voles are wired for monogamy some aren’t; no big moral deal, according to the Prairie Vole Companion.

Study on direction giving finds the best way to give directions is to not start with “I’m not from around here.”
When using landmarks in your directions make sure they’re still there: never “take a quick right just before where the silo used to be.”
If you have no idea, the time to mention it is at the beginning.
“Never heard of GPS?” is always rude.

Frank Sinatra would be 100 today had he not done it his way.

Urine-powered wireless socks no longer a dream.

That’s All the News That Isn’t

Flyku

Posted December 11, 2015 by mefeld
Categories: Uncategorized

Tags: ,

Flyku

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She dropped in the beer
I fear but still anyway
Drink her just the same