Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category

« Whad'ya Know? home page
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Shy Sperm and All the News That Isn’t

November 23, 2015

11-23-15

White House turkey cut down by hundreds of rounds of automatic fire after being freed.
Still some good eatin’ thought if you pick trough.

On his rearranged map of the US, drawn from memory, Ben Carson gives New Hampshire Atlantic beachfront lengthwise in the hopes it will be a difference maker in the primary.

Trump anti-Muslim tirade is really frustration at his casinos being shut out of the Emirates. Trump Dubai–goodbye.
Trump was a hit of sorts at the Latin Grammies if “cerdo de mierda hijo de puta” means you’re the man.

Allegan and Pfizer merge into Gesundheit.

Innovative junior high “make a terrorist recruiting poster” assignment victim of the times.

Not saying everyone’s jumpy, but somebody on a Spirit flight let one go and they returned to Ft. Lauderdale.
Peanuts, too–the worst.

Genetically modified salmon already brined, smoked and sliced thin approved by the FDA.
And it’s been approved for Passover.

The gene for “bad drunk” has been found but so far no luck finding the “a round for the house” gene.

Dow jumps 150 points–if a world in chaos is what it takes for my IRA, so be it.

Coffee is good for longevity, so your coffee will get cold long before you do.
If you can find a place that still gives free refills you could live forever.

With the new Facebook ‘get off my damn feed’ tool it’s easier to break up without blocking them, which leads to it’s complicated you don’t want.
Now if I can just get my wife on Facebook.

Sad story here in Madison as Little Oscar is found crying in the former Oscar Meyer parking lot after his Weinermobile is repossessed.
Local cows the only ones not sad about Oscar Meyer leaving.

Women want a sperm donor who’s smart and shy but it’s almost impossible to get it from him.

Aids testing up 300% after Charlie Sheen announcement.

That’s All the News That Isn’tscience-test-tube copy

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: Comments Off on Shy Sperm and All the News That Isn’t

Amy Sedaris on Whad’ya Know: I Like You

November 17, 2015

https://soundcloud.com/michael-feldman-2/amy-sedaris-on-whadya-knowarts_qna2-1_29

Categories: Uncategorized

Comments: Comments Off on Amy Sedaris on Whad’ya Know: I Like You

Apostle Starbucks Cup and All the News That Isn’t

November 16, 2015

To make up for the insult to Jesus, Starbucks will write an apostle’s name on your cup.
Matthew–mocha grande latte skinny no whip.
Just a color scheme. Now zealots are saying Red Green hates Jesus.
Of course, some of us thought the holiday cups should be blue and gold, but we’re used to the slight.
Thought Dunkin’ Donuts Dunkin’ Jesus was in poor taste, though.

Budget deal turns out to be final solution for baby boomers. Cuts to Social Security, Medicare and Viagra coverage.
Wife stopped taking lady Viagra–gives her a headache.

Modifying his rhetoric, Donald Trump now says Ben Carson is the child molester type.
Like a pathological liar can’t be president. Have to be to get that far.
Anyway, you’d thing a pathological blowhard would be a bit more sympathetic.

Day one President Trump will deport Rubio (although the cheerleader can stay) while it’s electroshock for Ben Carson.

We’ll know Marco Rubio has made a breakthrough when kids in the pool answer Rubio! to Marco!

Jeb Bush on Rockstar Energy IV’s.
Left to Jeb, baby Hitler grows to a ripe old age.

Campbell’s recalls 355,000 cans of Spaghetti-O’s for Spaghetti-Type O’s.

At Joe’s Crab Shack now you only have to tip in months with ‘r” in them.

Russia is doped from the top on down. Something in the borscht.

The 2 Chinas are talking, Obama and Netanyahu meet–next my wife and I will enjoy a quiet meal together.

Orange Friday the new Black Friday.
Don’t know what useless thing I don’t want I’m prepared to fight over.

Utah judge’s order reversed and now lesbians are being given babies right and left.

Mormon church says same-sex multiple marriage not needed since we already have football teams and women’s rowing.

Obesity still on rise among Americans but many claim it’s good fat.

Longest Yard Scenario for Packer’s collapse suggests estrogen in their feed.
But, I tell you, they’re a much more compassionate team.
Clinically obese Eddie Lacy benched, but he just snacks on the bench.

The former Scott Walker lets it be known he’s available for vice-presidential duty, but is willing to start in the mailroom.

That’s All the News That Isn’t dollar cup

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Comments Off on Apostle Starbucks Cup and All the News That Isn’t

Bubbler Questions at Milwaukee Debate and All the News That Isn’t

November 9, 2015

11-9-15

Republican candidates furiously boning up for bubbler questions at Milwaukee debate.

The Longest Yard Theory: someone’s slipping female hormones in Packers feed.

At 6 billion dollars Candy Crush crushes Trump.

When it comes to trusting their candidates with nuclear weapons Republican voters say Huey 39%, Dewey 34%, Louie 27%.
Dr. President Ben Carson says he’s already used nuclear weapons.
Would say no more.

More emissions cheating, this time in Porches–but, I swear, as long as I keep my 911 at a steady 25 mph city and turn it off at stops I get 50 mpg. More with a tailwind.

Slumping Whole Foods increases prices to enhance cachet.
Folks finally figured out organic means grown in poop.

GOP riding the transgender bathroom wave hard.
Full court press on transgender bathrooms.
This would not be a problem if everyone just agreed to sit down to pee.

Dr. President Ben Carson says when he was a kid had an 8 foot tapeworm pulled from his head.
Claims it was a record–fact checkers pouring over Guinness Book.

Speaker Paulie Ryan installs wavy mirrors and out of perspective floors and walls in US Funhouse of Representatives.
43 million for the Afghan gas station, but, when you need the gas, you’re glad it’s there.

“Jeb Can Fix It” worst battle cry since the Alamo’s “I Didn’t Hear Nothin’!”

Primatologists find chimps have a mid-Atlantic accent.

Buckeye legalization fails in Ohio.

Ben Carson put a hammer to his Mama’s head because they were so poor couldn’t afford a scalpel.
Explains why, after missing her, he speaks with a quiet voice and makes no sense.

Smaller than a Borneo snail new worst epithet.

ABC newswoman who sat on Donald Trump’s lap being treated for unspecified symptoms.

Non-belief up as more Americans than ever find religion not improbable enough for them.

Day one Dr. President Ben Carson will fill the pyramids with grain.

President George HW Bush–the dad–called Dick Cheney an “iron-ass,” but he’s a little rusty.
The elder Bush also said he never cared for Jeb’s wife.
And that the birth record said Job not Jeb.
Explains a lot–particularly when all his oxen ran out.

Serena Williams runs down an old man who also has a gold iPhone 6 plus.

Ben Carson admits he got a Hotpoint not a West Point scholarship.

Donald Trump says Carson’s mama hammering and friend stabbing just means he’s Mexican.

Mercy killing for the Keystone pipeline–ah, she was a good ol’ sludge hose.

Christie and Huckabee ordered not to come within 5,000 feet of debate stage.
Only going to drive them together like Thelma and Louise.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker comes out of seclusion to attend a Jeb Bush event in Milwaukee because he’s not yet ready for a lot of attention.

 

220px-Bubbler

That’s All the News That Isn’t

Categories: Uncategorized

Comments: 1 Comment

Of An Uncertain Age

November 4, 2015

You Are of An Uncertain Age If:
* Font is more and more of a consideration
*Your Dagwood Bumstead allusions fall on deaf ears
* You find yourself ending sentences with “. . . like so many of them do now.”
*You sing the song “Till I Was You.”
*Having lived this long you could indulge in any number of extreme behaviors and not have it affect your longevity and yet you don’t.
*You have 12 pack abs.
*Passing women give you a meaningless smile.
*Your children appear to be suffering you badly.
*You can’t remember your mantra or even if you had one.
*Any sagging is not a fashion statement.
*You have many blessings but they’re all in disguise.
*While you have long spoken to (select) inanimate objects, increasingly you engage them in animated conversation.
*Finding your coffee cold you are saddened.
*Your feet embarrass you and almost never make you proud.
*Increasingly, you sound like your mother imitating your father.
* No, you have more of a ‘rhymes with bucket’ list.
* Sitting robed in easy chair with pipe and slippers you dare spontaneous human consumption.

28new1

 

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: Comments Off on Of An Uncertain Age

Trump White House Casino and All the News That Isn’t

October 26, 2015

10-26-15

Snakes in Hillary’s hair turn Benghazi committee to stone.
Lilliputians fail to stake Hillary down.
Benghazi and Harriet.
Hillary’s only miscue–when asked about her emails–saying “depends what you mean by ‘e’.” Bill’s been coaching her.

Next for the House–the Cubghazi committee.
Takes the Cubs to make the Mets the Yankees.

Bernie ups the ante: free college and refunds to those of us who already paid.

Joe Biden abandons presidential quest, will run for house speaker.
Just have to change chairs at the state of the union.

Paul Ryan’s demands for speaker: long weekends and all school holidays off, government shutdowns by noon on Friday.

After calling Iowans brain damaged from the Monsanto in the corn, Trump handlers tell him, “ixnay on orncay in Ioway!”
Trump only responds to Pig Latin.
Dissing corn could be Trump’s Waterloo, Iowa.

A confident Trump takes out casino gaming license for 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
Me, I’m waiting for Melania’s White House tour.

Adele has a new album out “Farmer In.”

Woman who can smell Parkinson’s disease has zero social life.

Secret Service agents caught awake on the job.

Build-a-Bear workshops charged with selling stuffed bear livers to Chinese.

Oprah doubles-down on Weight Watchers.

GOP bill gutting Obamacare will send flocks of gutted to ER.

Dad had a Lincoln Chafee.

Jim Webb AWOL.

Up north, flaming liberal Trudeau wins Prime Minister, bids go out on Great Wall of Canada.
See? Walker was extremely right.

And, a confused and dithering Jeb Bush calls Donald Trump the “false zombie front runner.”

That’s All the News That Isn’t

1792, Washington, DC, USA --- The White House as seen from Pennsylvania Avenue. The White House was built from the design submitted by Irishman James Hoban. The corner stone was laid on October 13, 1792. The footings for the main residence were dug by slaves and much of the work was performed by immigrants not yet citizens. John Adams was the first president to take residence in the White House on November 1, 1800. --- Image by © William Manning/Corbis

1792, Washington, DC, USA — The White House as seen from Pennsylvania Avenue. The White House was built from the design submitted by Irishman James Hoban. The corner stone was laid on October 13, 1792. The footings for the main residence were dug by slaves and much of the work was performed by immigrants not yet citizens. John Adams was the first president to take residence in the White House on November 1, 1800. — Image by © William Manning/Corbis

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: Comments Off on Trump White House Casino and All the News That Isn’t

All the Nudes That Isn’t

October 19, 2015

10-19-15

In All the Nudes That Isn’t–

article-1150977-0398B921000005DC-992_468x625 copy
Playboy will no longer feature nudes in the magazine.
Generations of boys will now grow up not knowing what a naked lady does not look like.

Now just Hugh Hefner’s geriatric sex column. The Playboy Devicer.
After the news sales of National Geographic spiked.

First Democratic debate is Big Nurse versus Irascible Codger.
Didn’t quite Feel the Bern, but there was some redness and inflammation.
The fact that Bernie Sander’s wife obviously shops at World Bazaar may have hurt his cause.
Bernie Sanders sweetened the pot with free college and dental–going to get caps all around and go back to school.
The other guys on stage did not leave a name.
One–I believe it was George Webb–was a military man who said that would make him a good Commander in Chief. A military man as Commander in Chief is how we got Idi Amin.
Think the guy from Rhode Island just kind of wandered onstage, waving all those Rhode Island electoral votes.
Empty podium for Joe Biden. Or maybe it was for Elijah on Passover.
How dare the Dems talk about nothing but issues? What was this, a debate?

The new Chevy Volt electric gets 53 miles on one charge, which will get you to Hartford, WI, assuming you’re here, but leave you 1,673 miles short of Mexico City.

The Elk have returned to Chernobyl and feel so good about it they’re just glowing.

With remnants of 10,000 lakes, Mars is what Minnesota will look like in 100 million years.
Apple owes the University of Wisconsin $862,000,000 for using “Jump Around” at their earnings reports.

Apple’s Siri can be hacked and made to say “Look it up your own damn self.”

Global warming sea-rise projections show Brooklyn will be the new Atlantis–all the hipsters will sink in those wool coats. Just silly hats floating where Williamsburg used to be.

In Saudi Arabia, 74 year old Brit gets 350 lashes for having wine, 50 each for body, aroma, hints of, bouquet of, audacity, earthiness and finish.

NASA may have discovered an alien civilization around a strange star . . . the sun!

Oscar Pistorius will get house arrest soon as the bathroom is fixed.

A New York restaurant ends tipping so diners will be forced to draw smiley faces on their own checks.
How about keep tipping, end the cost of a meal?

Sitting for long periods of time does not make death more imminent–unless it’s been several days.
Definitely give a poke after a week.

New VW North America chief quits after 2 weeks, citing fumes.

Dinosaurs were warm blooded one minute, cold the next.
That’s why brontosaurus always wore something around her shoulders.

Here in Wisconsin, the Chippewa will be able to hunt deer at night, but not from cars while blindfolded.
The Chippewa were heavy contributors to the failed presidential bid of Scott Walker.

Scott Walker is a million dollars in debt after his failed presidential bid, but the money will be siphoned out of the University of Wisconsin trust fund.

Scott Walker says he will not run again for president as Scott Walker.

That’s All the News That Isn’t

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Comments Off on All the Nudes That Isn’t

Pope Donald I and All the News That Isn’t

September 28, 2015

9-28-15

So far, no I Fell With Walker bumper stickers.
Scott’s back home, but listless and out of sorts.
Not the Scott-free kid we’re used to.
Put the Harley up on blocks and ran the gas out.
Could have gone on the Milwaukee Bucks “Own the Future” bus tour, with Bango and the Bucks dancers, but his heart wasn’t in it.
Just needs something to take his mind off all this–and he already came up with a doozy of an idea–
A wall along Wisconsin’s border with the UP. Show the Yoopers we are unintimidated.

Super blood moon lunar eclipse and sure enough Johnny Manziel started.

Following the drug company’s lead, aspirin is now $147.50 a tablet.
And you’re gonna need 2.

Pope Francis met with President Obama–got along so well the result is “The Pontiff and the POTUS,” this fall on Fox.

The Pope’s speech in Congress was interrupted by genuflections 37 times.

Pope Francis spoke to the United Nations, although it’s not the first time someone has pontificated at the UN.
But the first time it was justified–he is the Pontiff.
The Pope told the nations of the world a fleet of intergalactic spacecraft is headed this way, and we have three months to forget national differences and learn a little catechism.
And don’t forget the Pagan Babies fund.
Pope Francis also asked if anybody could use a sweet Syrian couple he acquired–they’re really overstaffed at the Vatican, Swiss guards and all.
The Pope said the deal with Iran was a good thing, but that he would not be talking with the Lutherans. Too soon!
Some were surprised at his stance on global warming, but, hey, you try cooling the Vatican in Rome in August.
The Pontiff also attacked the boundless thirst for wealth and power, and, believe me, Donald Trump took it personally. He was bleeding all over the place.
Trump responded characteristically, telling the Pope, “You’re Fired!”
In response to the Pope’s speech, the Lakers acquired Meta World Peace and John Boehner quit.
Speaking of the lame-duck House leader, tapped to succeed Boehner as Speaker is Kentucky clerk Kim Davis.

Uber is banned in Brazil. The old Nazis in Brazil are a little uncomfortable with Uber.

Sprint offers to cut couple’s 2 million dollar Verizon bill in half.

Ben Carson says he would not vote for the Pope.

Drop in oil prices reduces oil sludge to just plain sludge.
Not much interest in the Keystone Sludgeline.

Brian Williams now claims he covered the Pope.

Ask your doctor if you can have sex–if he’s not willing find another doctor.

House of Unrepresentatives votes down Planned Parenthood, gives every child who was planned 30 days to get out.

VW’s catch phrase–Fahrvergnügen–actually means fix (fahr) the software (vergnugen).

General Petraeus promises he will not invite the next one into his quarters to see his classified documents.

So far all they’ve got for the Apple Car is Gorilla Glass all around.
Looks a lot like the AMC Pacer.
Did update the Apple watch–now you can tell the time on one.

Microsoft Office 2016: now with cubicles!

Final thoughts on Scott Walker–
You know here, in Wisconsin, we were selfishly hoping he’d win.

That’s All the News That Isn’tpope don

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Comments: Comments Off on Pope Donald I and All the News That Isn’t

9 Questions to Ask After Scott Walker’s Withdrawal

September 23, 2015

9 Questions to Ask After Scott Walker’s Withdrawal

1. You gonna eat that?
2. Does he get to keep the money?
3. Get’s late early, don’t it?
4. Seahawks 0-2, 0-2, 0-2!!
5. Should put the Brewers to sleep, huh?
6. Because he had like 20 million, right?
7. Worst possible outcome: Hillary/Carley, n’est pas?
8. Better to have a lot of poor friends than a few rich ones, hey.
9. I mean you always have the poor ones. 519096826_c_570_411

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

Comments: Comments Off on 9 Questions to Ask After Scott Walker’s Withdrawal

Saturn’s Salad Moon Enceladus and All the News That Isn’t

September 21, 2015

9-21-15

Amber Alert . . . young Scott Walker missing since Wednesday. Last seen heading south on vintage Harley. . . helmetless white male wearing ‘indomitable’ cut-off blue jean biker jacket . . . Amber Alert . . .

You know things are bad when it’s Jesus Calling Collect.

Governor Walker is the only candidate Jesus talks to, although Donald Trump talks to Jesus. Well, talks–tells him a thing or two.

During the Republican debate I learned that the 11 individuals were an extinct branch of entry- level hominids.
Gosh Nova is interesting.
Could have watched Duck Dynasty but it’s pretty much the same as the GOP debates.
Best part of the debate was when they all crowded onto the right wing of Air Force One at the Reagan Library.

Feel bad for the Reagan Library staff–still counting the slashes in Trump’s toga.
Republican’s problem is no Marc Anthony to bury Caesar.

An unintended result of the Trump bashing, Carly Fiorina now feels enabled to get ugly.
Scott Walker was next to her–on her right–kept raising his hand and she wouldn’t call on him!
Playing teacher to Scott Walker is the worst thing you can do to him.

Anyway, the GOP nominee remains TBA.

Jewish teen makes homemade clock–nothing!

While here Pope Francis will appear on America’s Got Pontiffs.

The Pope is speaking Spanish on his tour just to keep Donald Trump–a notorious ring kisser–away.
Pope’s Spanish said to be good, if a bit ‘vous.’

Burger King Peace Day riots continue in India.
Hamburgers for peace not an Indian tradition.
Take more than 2 hands to handle this whopper.

Study finds 2 people on the same anti-depressant repel.

North Korea and Amazon now have missiles pointed at one another’s launch pads.
Kim Jong Bezos close to the ultimate Prime Delivery.

In defense of Donald Trump, he thought the guy said “Obama wears muslin!”
And the Donald thought, being a Kenyan, he probably does.
An apology from Trump would be like Groucho actually defending Margaret Dumont’s honor.

Ahmed Mohammed and his clock on America’s Got Talent.
Ahmed is up for the Peace Prize which, ironically, includes a handmade clock.

Ann Coulter bites off more than she can Jew.
Reluctant to schedule an Ann Coulter/Bernie Sanders Celebrity Death Match–
still, if she dies, she dies.

If Budweiser, et al, buys Miller, et al, it will open the 7th Seal of the Beerocalypse.

Gas hits 2 bucks by Christmas we’re driving to the Holy Land.

On the vaccine thing at the GOP debate, obviously if they had been vaccinated they wouldn’t be Republicans.

This just in–Carly Fiorina suspends her campaign after her HP stock tanks.
Another golden parachute goes thud.

With Donald Trump the father-in-law and Hillary the mother-in-law from hell, when this thing is all over, they should marry. Be the Number 1 Power in-Laws.

Jeb Bush offer fig leaf to Trump: a real Indian casino in Florida, right on the water.
Water, well, the Everglades.

80 nanometer invisibility cloak waiting for the right wearer.
Very tiny, doesn’t wish to be seen.

This year’s flu vaccine works on last year’s flu.
Fortunately I still have last year’s flu.

Saturn moon Enceladus covered in salad.

Scott Walker plan to slash and burn all unions should bring child soccer ball sewing work back to the US, providing a huge jump in the Governor’s jobs total . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’tSaturn copy

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , ,

Comments: Comments Off on Saturn’s Salad Moon Enceladus and All the News That Isn’t

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »