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All the News That Isn’t

May 21, 2012

5-21-12

The SpaceX launch at Cape Canaveral means the private sector now has missiles.

Facebook gets 16 billion likes.

A hoodied Mark Zuckerberg looked like Quasimodo swinging from the Nasdaq bell.

All Mark ever wanted out of this was a girlfriend. Now it will always be, “is it me, or the 20 billion”?

U2 singer Bono–an early Facebook investor–comes out of this half a billion ahead of Paul McCartney.
That last divorce dropped him a notch.

Chicago’s Joe Ricketts’ Super Pac calls President Obama “a metrosexual black Abe Lincoln.” Hey, a guy could do worse.

A metrosexual black Abe Lincoln could free himself for a full, rewarding social life.

Actually, Lincoln was supposed to have been a metrosexual.

A metrosexual is someone who rides the bus.

Romney has distanced himself from the Rev Wright attacks on President Obama because Romney says “Wright,” Obama says “salamander.”

Ricketts has vowed to do to Obama what’s he’s done to the Cubs.

Revealed that Roger Clemens had Jose Canseco on speed dial for his booty call. There’s a butt call ever was one.

Mr. Obama is OK with R&B, but should never have tried Donna Summer’s “I Will Survive.”

That new French Socialist is already in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Big NATO summit in Chicago will try to work out differences between the Ricketts family and the rest of the world.

The man who beheaded & ate the guy ahead of him on the bus can now leave the mental hospital, but not on public transportation.

A Michigan teen finds his finger in Arby’s roast beef.

A majority of New Jersey favors same sex marriage if between The Situation and DJ Ronnie D.

Lindsay Lohan to play both Liz and Dick.

Masseur drops his sex claim against John Travolta by twitter from the beach at Cannes.

Donald Driver may be a lover but he ain’t no dancer.

Super Pacs behind flesh eating bacteria.

Sketchers must pay a fine and admit their sneakers make you stupid not fit.

Fructose is also supposed to make you stupid, so avoid the corn syrup while rockin’ your Sketchers.

Among newborns, slightly more than half are minority, which means slightly less than 1/2 are majority. Do the math.

And, here in Wisconsin, Governor Walker’s new jobs total includes snow jobs . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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All the News That Isn’t for 5-14-12

May 14, 2012

May 14, 2012

President Obama’s position has evolved–came around from thinking only one partner should be gay.

Would have been more shocking if Eisenhower had said it.
Or, if Reagan had gone to the wall and said, “Mr. Chairman, marry these guys!”

Why can’t we all just marry one another?

I believe anybody should have the right to marry, and just as firmly that nobody should.

Only priests should marry, so they’d get off their high horses.

I suppose now people will marry just to prove they’re gay.

So the President rethinks the whole thing, and then heads off to visit George Clooney.

Joe Biden, meanwhile, has achieved Liza Minnelli status in the gay community.

Romney says he’ll bash ’em but he won’t marry ’em.
This despite having 5 same sex children.

Ann Romney was reading 50 Shades of Grey and could not be bothered.

New sex book for men–No Shades of Grey.

iPad has a same sex app.

Jill Biden knows she’ll never find a gal like Joe.

50 Shades of Joe.

Biden has apologized to the President for fantasizing in front of an open mic.

Mr. Obama told friends if he had it to do all over again, might be Craig and not Michelle Robinson.

The girls are cool with that.

Bristol Palin says the only same sex partner for her is her mom, and the law’s pretty clear on that.

Republicans believe the President committed Obamakazee on this one.

OK, OK, in other news that isn’t . . .

Meow dies. That’s one fat cat down.

The White House National Holiday Tree dies from identity crisis. Call it a Christmas tree, it’s alive today.

Public reassured French socialists are not like the American mythological kind. The Unicorn socialists.

The good news–and the bad–is the French will always be the French no matter what. C’est la vie.

Rick Santorum endorses Romney in a midnight Snapchat.

Glad I didn’t follow up on that underwear modeling job in Yemen.

Man boarding plane with loaded gun forgot he was an idiot.

Mark Zuckerberg had just changed from hoodie to suit as George Zimmerman was entering the room.

In Indiana, Lugar taken out with pea shooter.
This completes the inmate takeover of the House Asylum.

Romney credits the auto industry turnaround with his taking the scissors to it.

Romney’s childhood bullying prepared him for taking the scissors to companies around the world, so it is pertinent.

Yahoo CEO listed College of Musical Knowledge on his resume. The degree on his wall was signed by Kay Kyser.

Too much Captain Morgan at J.P. Morgan.

Two billion is chump change at J.P. Morgan–unfortunately, we’re the chumps.

America’s got Talent and Then There’s Howard Stern.

Still, he butt bongos Sharon Osbourne, it’s all worth it.

Siri goes in for retooling after repeatedly responding “Ask me if I care.”
Zooey Deschanel was the last straw.

Speaking of Zooey Deschanel, is there a better fit for Loretta Lynn? The Canary in the Coal Miner’s Daughter.

More Americans having their colonoscopies tweeted.

Super Earth the size and consistency of Uranus discovered. It’s at trip though.

Self driving car pulled over by police robot.

John Travolta got the night fever, night fever.
Travolta is, in fact, working undercover for TSA.

Does explain all the dancing, though.

Thanks to her husband Marcus, Michele Bachmann can be a Swiss or a gay citizen.

The ancient 27 foot croc was big, yes, but a vegan.

Game plan is for Sanchez to sit on Tebow’s shoulders and do the passing, and let Tim do the running. Hop off for the celebratory Tebow.

Time magazine breast feeding mom says the kid does not clamp on and hang from it at home. That’s good since he’s 12. Getting long in the tooth.

Homer Simpson to guest on Game of Thrones.

Israel opposes gay marriage since 2 Jewish wives is a stalemate, while 2 Jewish husbands can’t do enough for one another, and

Here in Wisconsin, Governor Walker explains that “divide and conquer” was really just a hair loss strategy . . .

. . . That’s All the News that Isn’t . . .

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All the News That Isn’t

May 7, 2012

May 7, 2012

China’s Chen offered basketball scholarship at Harvard. Chentastic!

Hillary was allowed one carryon leaving China. Chen.

Well, it is China not Chena.

Chen will be remanded back to the custody of his wife.

They’re taking the Braille address plate down from the Beijing embassy.

That’s the thing about China–a half hour later you want to leave again.

In non-Chen news–

Newt swallowed by black hole.

Callista’s Facebook status changes to “complicated.”

Romney auditioning sister VP’s.

Ann Romney’s mission as first lady will be sewing socks for soldiers.

John Edwards told an aide to do the physically impossible, although not for Edwards.

The Scream goes for $120 million–Mr. Bill, priceless.
Next up on the block the Munch balloon art.

Bin-Laden anniversary–and the guy hated surprise parties.

Papers reveal bin-Laden wanted to rebrand Al Qaeda as Americans for Prosperity. Osama bin-Koch.

The New Orleans Saints had a bounty on bin-Laden.

President Obama to replace NASA with Angry Birds Space.

Pontius Pilate quits EPA after crucifixion crack.

Amsterdam Weed & Hooker tour called off.
Please, sir, may I have a weed pass?

S & P downgrades Spain to Pain.

Only the cattle get Planned Parenthood in Texas.

Arizona cuts Planned Grandparenthood.

Obama adopts Forward slogan now that Wisconsin no longer needs it.
Rejected slogans–“Hope for No Change,” “Got Change?” and “No Hopey, No Changey.”

Chrysler has risen. Hard to believe would come back in the form of a Dodge Dart.

Google street view able to sniff undies in hamper while passing.

Oh, to have been a fly on the wall at the Michael and Whitney hookup. Bet that took a while.

Zombie formerly known as Randy Moss reports to training camp.

Cleveland terrorists planned to torch the Cuyahoga.

Vogue plans to use only Scarlett Johansson sized and bigger models, changes name to Zaftig, and

Super Cow jumps Super Moon . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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All the News That Isn’t for 4-23-12

April 23, 2012

Hopefully, the president’s protection was using protection.

The Secret Service–always ready to take one for the President.

Knew something was wrong when I saw the bumper stickers–Secret Service Does It With Earpieces.

WWCED: What Would Clint Eastwood Do

Ironic, since the hookers were their boots on the ground in Colombia.

Really, all just a rate of exchange problem–1 US dollar =1800 Colombian pesos. So hand somebody 30 bucks that’s 54,000 pesos. Before tip (another 18,000).

So what was she squawking about? Sarah Palin would’ve taken it.

You have to remember the last official visit to Colombia was Bill Clinton. So the groundwork had been laid.

Next, the FBI boys will be seen at a Passion Party.

Sarkozy is French for Obama. A lot of pressure since Carla goes to the winner.

Following Tupac’s success, a Reagan hologram will address the convention.

Planned Parenthood to offer aspirin between knees technique.

Shot in the Dark Parenthood new rival to Planned Parenthood.

Just glad my parents didn’t have Planned Parenthood.

Zimmerman apologizes to parents, saying he usually uses a .22 on the kids.

As a condition of his parole he must not sit on the roof with a shotgun.

Cookiegate–how elitist is it if Romney expected 7-11 cookies?

My concern with Ted Nugent’s remarks is how difficult it already is for a black Jewish nazi klansman.

Just the cat scratch fever talking.

Yes, he shouldn’t have offered to bring Romney scalps.
But, on the upside, interest in the Black Jew Nazi Klan Tour is huge.

Personally, if anybody threatens me, I hope it’s Ted Nugent.

Dick Clark dies a very old 22 year old.

Ryan Seacrest just had a dramatic flash forward.

Guess I’ll never get to dance with the girl with the streaked beehive on Bandstand.

Shuttle Discovery humps a 747 all the way to the Smithsonian.

Obama-Romney race close. Can’t be a good sign to hold a narrow lead over a man nobody likes.

Mitt Romney throws a couple of illegal aliens atop the car, drives off to dig the Keystone pipeline “by myself.”

Roger Clemons will have to produce his buttocks in his defense, so there’s a lot on his side.

No Pulitzer prize in fiction. There’s a book in that.

The parents who forced their 8 year old girl to wear an “I like to steal” sign have been stolen. No reward being offered.

Sheree is leaving Real Housewives, and I can’t tell you how bad I feel about knowing that, and

Nothing says “This Economy” like a Honus Wagner card going for only 1.2 million . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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For geriatric use of 4/20

April 20, 2012

bandstand les elgar

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All the News That Isn’t 4-16-12

April 16, 2012

4-16-12

President Obama says wives are off the table.

I’m just grateful my wife hasn’t be subjected to such scrutiny.

Of course, Ann Romney was born Ann Page.

She certainly did work a day in her life. It was a Tuesday.

Well, volunteer. Raised money for new back packs for the missionaries.

Fact is Ann had to be mommy and daddy to those five boys, what with Mitt running for president for a living.

Really it’s Mitt who hasn’t worked a day in his life.

We do need to respect choices women make, especially in husbands.

Best thing to come out of this is the Obamas and the Romneys have agreed to do Wife Swap.

This fall on Bravo, “War on Women: Taking It to the Mud.”

Fox news poll has Obama running behind Hitler.

North Korea says the nuclear test will go much better.

The problem with the rocket launch was the North Koreans used a modified Nodong missile. And it lived up to its name.

Down to just 78 Communists in the Democratic Party. Kids just don’t want to make the commitment anymore.

President Obama promoting Buffet the Vampire Killer.

So far only the Chinese are attracted to the Buffet Plan because they think it comes with salad bar.

Paulie Ryan says his faith inspired his Pagan Babies Healthcare Plan.

Farm animals advised not to use antibiotics for every little infection.

Fewer chickens raising Americans in their backyards.

New Texas stem cell restrictions mean Rick Perry must be put to sleep.

At the nuclear talks, Iran offers 5% off on broadlooms.

The Duggars adopt Rick Santorum. What’s one more?

Facebook pays $1 billion for an app that looks like a Kodak Brownie. Heckuva job, Brownie!

UCLA tells 894 students they’re accepted at USC.

Flashback virus turns Macs into Apple 1’s and iPhones into Newtons.

Bobby Petrino dumped his little mamma off his bike because its hard to shift a Harley with goat legs.

Tennesseized bees found in Africa.

Tiger really needs to get laid.

Ozzie Guillen grows beard, hijacks team bus to Havana.

10 year olds everywhere disgusted that T Rex was a giant emu.

Jeb Bush IS der Golem.

Springsteen to play Wrigley Field–in center, and

The 4 bears that nearly ate Vermont’s governor have been trapped and will be relocated to Wisconsin . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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chinese explain bo ouster

April 10, 2012

CPC Central Committee decided on Bo Xilai serious disciplinary problems to initiate an investigation
Apr 10, 2012 23:01 Xinhua
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Xinhua News Agency, Beijing, April 10 – View of Bo Xilai comrades suspected of serious discipline, the central authorities decided, in accordance with the relevant provisions of the Constitution of the Communist Party of China and the Chinese Communist Party discipline inspection organs cases to check work regulations “, and interdiction of his position as member of the Politburo Central Committee member from the Central Commission for Discipline Inspection of its investigation.

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All the News That Isn’t 3-27-12

March 27, 2012

Now the trick will be getting the Etch-a-Sketch away from Rick Santorum.

Could’ve been worse; they could have called Romney a Slinky.
Mr. Potato Head more like it.

Oh, no, Mitt’s magic number was on the Etch-a-Sketch!

Still, some guys can make a Mona Lisa on one.

In a compromise, President Obama will build the lower half of the Keystone pipeline. How they get the oil sludge to Cedar Rapids is their business.
Trailways?

Mr. Obama’s Yes, We Can Lay Pipe moment.

Promoting his energy policy, President Obama has been hawking 200 mpg magic gas pills and throwing in a set of steak knives.

Kind of strange seeing “Inevitable” and “Romney” in the same headline.
Really, if inevitable is the best you can say about a guy . . .

After Santorum goes away Romney will again be his own worst enemy.

Little Paulie Ryan introduces his Hunger Games budget.
Aka the Ryan Bludget.
Now, grandma falls she’s not getting up.

Tim Tebow backtracks, scrambles left, spins and cuts right to the Jets training camp.

Being New Jersey, Tebow will now have to adapt to local gestures.

Soon be Broadway Tim Tebow.

Investigation reveals the New Orleans Saints had bounties on Brett Favre and Osama bin Laden. So there was an upside to it.

But Aaron Rodgers? The New Orleans Lucifers.

NASA cutbacks force it to turn to the West High Rocketry Club for launches. Astronauts are asked to meet in the cafetorium 3rd hour.

President Obama, the anti-JFK on this space thing, has vowed to get all our junk off the moon by the end of the decade.

The president has ordered a halt on the search for intelligent life in the universe and instead will try to find some here.

iPad 3 consumes enough bandwidth for a family of 6 in Weehawken. Also heats up to 116 degrees, making it the iHotwaterbottle.

Coming this fall on Bravo: The Real Hunger Games of Orange County.

Can’t find pink slime for love nor money. Been devastating for school lunch sloppy-joe’s.

Goldman-Sachs to broker the Republican convention.

Donald Driver makes an impressive Dancing With the Stars performance until he Lambeau Leaps his partner.

Avatar director James Cameron submerges to the deepest part of the ocean in preparation for Bikini Bottom 3D.

Their secret service names are out–Romney is AMC Pacer and Santorum is Cannoli.

Ron Paul has refused secret service protection because he knows darn well they’re really Men in Black. The talking puggle tipped him off.

Callista Gingrich takes de Niro’s “are we ready for a white first lady, yet?” personally. Shouldn’t.

After all he’s Rupert Pupkin, King of Comedy.

Barricades in Beloit are so far holding against the Republican invasive species. It’s Wisconsin, so I’m waiting for the primary recall election.

And the booming in Clintonville, WI, thought to be an underground Walker test site, turns out to be a 1.5 earthquake with epicenter at the Coop on county T . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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All the News That Isn’t for 3-12-12

March 12, 2012

March 12, 2012

Huge solar flares blot out Rush Limbaugh calling somebody else a slut.

The Obama re-election film is out–Call of Duty Black Ops II.

Sarah Palin’s only reaction to Game Change is that it should have been Julia Roberts.

Peyton Manning will be put out to stud.

More hacker on hacker hacking. No honor among hackers.

Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim eats Buffet’s lunch. 68.5 billion–and that ain’t pesos.

Would be 890 billion in pesos, making Slim close to being the world’s first trillionaire. In pesos.

Dionne Warwick’s last words to Whitney: I’ll have some of that.

America faces the tough question: 2-iPad 3’s? Or 3-2’s? 6-1’s would be too many, unless you can run them in series. Kind of iPad Jumbotron.

Trying to get blue collar acceptance, Romney shows a little plumber’s butt.

Been stressing in the south that Romney very nearly rhymes with hominy.

Santorum stresses the cost savings of running church and state from the same offices.

In Mississippi, Gingrich declares for presidency of the Confederacy.

Huge Apple “the new iPad” event overshadows China’s Proviews rollout of the Original Happy Family IPAD. Actually more of a garage door opener.

Microsoft, meanwhile, responds to iPad’s retina display with the Windows 8 bifocal display.

American flight attendant freaks out, tries to demonstrate how to eject toddler through emergency row window after first verbally agreeing to exit row duties.

Coke forced to leave out the cocaine residue to avoid a cancer label. One of those scary labels with Santa with a hole in his neck.

Greece offers to nude wrestle for the debt.

Some of the more headstrong Republicans on the Hill take up shovels to dig the damn Keystone pipeline themselves. Since none of them ever used a shovel before it was largely symbolic.

The million dollar Michigan lotto winner has to give up her $200 in food stamps. The State giveth and the State taketh away, and

Now that it’s Governor John Doe of Wisconsin, there’s some question whether the whole recall has to start over . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t

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Michael & Siri

March 9, 2012

me & siri

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