All the News That Isn’t


The SpaceX launch at Cape Canaveral means the private sector now has missiles.

Facebook gets 16 billion likes.

A hoodied Mark Zuckerberg looked like Quasimodo swinging from the Nasdaq bell.

All Mark ever wanted out of this was a girlfriend. Now it will always be, “is it me, or the 20 billion”?

U2 singer Bono–an early Facebook investor–comes out of this half a billion ahead of Paul McCartney.
That last divorce dropped him a notch.

Chicago’s Joe Ricketts’ Super Pac calls President Obama “a metrosexual black Abe Lincoln.” Hey, a guy could do worse.

A metrosexual black Abe Lincoln could free himself for a full, rewarding social life.

Actually, Lincoln was supposed to have been a metrosexual.

A metrosexual is someone who rides the bus.

Romney has distanced himself from the Rev Wright attacks on President Obama because Romney says “Wright,” Obama says “salamander.”

Ricketts has vowed to do to Obama what’s he’s done to the Cubs.

Revealed that Roger Clemens had Jose Canseco on speed dial for his booty call. There’s a butt call ever was one.

Mr. Obama is OK with R&B, but should never have tried Donna Summer’s “I Will Survive.”

That new French Socialist is already in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Big NATO summit in Chicago will try to work out differences between the Ricketts family and the rest of the world.

The man who beheaded & ate the guy ahead of him on the bus can now leave the mental hospital, but not on public transportation.

A Michigan teen finds his finger in Arby’s roast beef.

A majority of New Jersey favors same sex marriage if between The Situation and DJ Ronnie D.

Lindsay Lohan to play both Liz and Dick.

Masseur drops his sex claim against John Travolta by twitter from the beach at Cannes.

Donald Driver may be a lover but he ain’t no dancer.

Super Pacs behind flesh eating bacteria.

Sketchers must pay a fine and admit their sneakers make you stupid not fit.

Fructose is also supposed to make you stupid, so avoid the corn syrup while rockin’ your Sketchers.

Among newborns, slightly more than half are minority, which means slightly less than 1/2 are majority. Do the math.

And, here in Wisconsin, Governor Walker’s new jobs total includes snow jobs . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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