All the News That Isn’t Update

Posted October 15, 2012 by mefeld
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10-15-12

Come on, that rock is only unusual because it’s on Mars.

Curiosity finds a cigarette butt or a tampon dispenser, then we’ve got something.

The European Union wins the Nobel Peace Prize for once not going to war to settle their differences.

Germans just march through the continent economically these days.
A lot of wars, but a lot of peaces.

Giant eyeball found on beach in Florida returned to Dina Lohan.

House sized asteroid brushes so closes to earth loses chimney.

For the Shuttle Endeavour re-entry had nothing on driving through LA. Fortunately, 2 mph is keeping pace on 405.

Joe Biden and Paul Ryan no longer talking at the Hibernian Club.

Young Ryan had to have his tail surgically removed from between his legs in time for the next marathon.

The secret was they didn’t feed Joe for a week.

Made a big deal about Joe Biden showing his teeth, but, hey, you pay for ’em you want to show ’em.

The veep debate in short: 97%, 47%, 30%, 20% and 1%.

Obama team looking for bounce from Lindsay Lohan Romney endorsement.

Paul Ryan says he jumped from edge of space and broke sound barrier.

From the deck in La Jolla Romney can see China.

New Romney bio is out: 50 Shades of Mitt

Romney solution for Middle East: baptize both the Muslims and the Jews posthumously.

GOP sees Libya as swing state.

Like Mitt never had an intelligence failure.

Scream 2012: the debate is coming from inside the house!

Race so close the candidates are conjoined.

Giant set of teeth on Florida beach Biden’s.

As price of gas hits 5 bucks in California, Napa converts to fuel. Can get 100 mpg on a quart of Christian Brothers.

With death chill falls over roach eating circuit. Geckos won’t even look at them.

Pfizer fined $164 million for not revealing what Celebrex was for.

As a minority Protestants now qualify for Affirmative Action.

Lindsay/ Dina Lohan debate outdraws vice-presidential.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. sits a few out after finding the engine noise was in his head, and

Consumers counterintuitively confident . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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Posted October 12, 2012 by mefeld
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–Michael believed to be himmler

Wisconsin State Journal 10-12-12

Epic Systems plans six wind turbines northwest of Madison

himmler – 3 hours ago
hey, ain’t that where the geese fly there?

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All the News That Isn’t

Posted October 8, 2012 by mefeld
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10-8-12

Not once in the debate a single mention of Asian carp.

After 18 months of railing against the Asian carp, Romney acts like it never happened, while Obama just pocket fished through the whole thing.

The veeps are up next and you know Joe’s got some Asian carp stories. Course, Paulie Ryan actually likes to hand fish ‘em. Trying to impress his father-in-law Jed Clampett.

From hope and change to hope for a change of venue.

Town Hall debate next. Too bad it’s not a debate between two towns. Neenah vs. Menasha I’d like to see.

Was hoping to see a robocall debate. Just phone it in, slurs and all. Then likely voters can just screen it.

For once Mitt etches the right sketch. But you can’t save ‘em.

Romney now figures the 47% of entitled dependent Americans at a lower 14% rate.

But he did say that roughly half of all Americans smell bad.

Middle class goes to court to seek protection from both candidates, who must now stay 1,000 yards away.

After debate debacle Democrat’s spin down to a plate on a very long pole.

Nicki Minaj trounces Mariah Carey in first debate.

Already rolled out the first debate movie, Frankenweenie.

Turns out women were not deleted from the Ikea Saudi catalogue, they were just behind the drapes.

Jobless rate falls just to spite Mitt Romney. Ironically, it was because they used Governor Walker’s numbers.

Chrysler doing so well new De Soto is just around the corner.

In new Lifetime movie, Lindsay Lohan plays both Liz and Dick.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he knew something was up when the housekeeper’s kid bench pressed his mom while smoking a cigar.

Jets to go with 3, possibly 4 quarterbacks.

Mike Schmidt criticizes illegible baseball autographs, but at least you can say his is actually Wade Boggs.

With the butler in jail the Pope has been conducting mass with his cassock on backwards.

Now that it’s possible to get a billion likes on Facebook my 173 not looking so impressive.

Under new Secret Service guidelines you may not share a hooker.

President Obama fled to Madison after the debate because he knew it was one place Romney wouldn’t follow.

Said all the things he neglected to mention to a bunch of undergrads listening to iTunes. Now he needs to get a Romney poster and practice saying it to his face.

Not saying there’s a sense of panic around here, but everybody is scheduling their elective surgery left and right . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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Feldman v Feldman Self Debate 1

Posted October 4, 2012 by mefeld
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Feldman v Feldman
Self Debate 1

m. What about hope and change.
M. Had to change that. Now it’s hope for change, you know, correct change.
m. Your policies have not worked.
M. No, and they’ve all gone up besides. when is that Feldmancare supposed to kick in? I mean, are these not pre-existing conditions? I ask you.
m. the national debt has gazuppled since you last even bothered to look at the debt clock.
M. Non causa pro causa. that’s Latin, you know. think it means buyer beware.
listen we are very much in your national debt. if we divide it by all the humans that have ever lived its very manageable.
m. social security is bankrupting our children who already owe the Chinese a ton of renminbis.
M. Renminbis? Yuan kidding me? Pay in all the fake money they burn for the ancestors–they’ll never know the difference. I firmly believe children should bankrupt their parents and not the other way around. As the great philosopher Ole once said, “what da heck?”
m. folksy, huh. are you even aware of the biggest issues facing your constituents, that is if you had any?
M. Asian carp invasion. they’ve been sighted as near as South Beloit, although it may have been a regular carp or a box elder branch come over from Muskegon. anyway, it’s a real concern. I’d like to see federal funds for a major gefilte fish effort to clean it up and bottle it.
m. would you not like to see more done for the middle class?
M. Yes, but I think it’s sad you never hear about the rich and poor anymore. They have needs too. No sandwich without the two slices of bread.
m. What about energy independence?
M. Ach, don’t have the energy for it. would like to see a lump of clean coal in every stocking this Christmas.
m. And the environment?
M. Where would we be without it?

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All the News That Isn’t for 10-1-12

Posted October 1, 2012 by mefeld
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10-1-12

The old Hoffa’s in your driveway scam.

Then some guy with a ladder and a bucket of tar says Hoffa’s on your roof.

That’s not radon in your basement, that’s Hoffa.

Come in with the Hoffa sniffing dogs.

You and I disappear, we’re gone. But not Hoffa . . .

In all the news that isn’t Hoffa–

Sinatra leads in swing states.

If we could only find Sinatra we’d find Hoffa.

Wednesday first debate between robocalls.

Romney lowers expectations and concedes debates.

Apple chief apologizes for maps from dead end in Compton.

Chef convicted for seriously overcooking wife.

Lingerie league refs leave NFL so wedgies will not be called anymore.

Nice to hate refs again for all the right reasons.

Refs were a little rusty coming back, genuflecting for a hail Mary.

Israel’s Netanyahu shows the UN Iran’s cartoon bomb. Have achieved Spy v. Spy technology.

Vatican says take Jesus’ wife, please.

Romney retools pitch, extols compression for the poor, says he has great apathy for their plight. Knows what it means to be money hungry.

Romney will open debate by guessing Obama’s weight. If he’s from Canada.

Romney will suggest impoverished nations ask their dads for money.

Paul Ryan says he does not need to be unmuzzled, or something like that. Hard to tell because of the muzzle.
Might have said he was not a muggle.

Earlier version of the Mona Lisa–the Kardashian Lisa–revealed.

The drug ecstasy said to hinder recall, so it’s a win-win.

Students line up at the University of California-Davis for financial aid pepper spraying.

Company that makes the bullet trains in Japan will make Amtrak cars that look like they’re going much faster than they are.

Bacon shortage due to replacement pigs.

Reduced to 3 chicken nuggets for lunch, high schoolers go on protein rampage in mall.

And J.K. Rawlings first adult book has Harry Potter fans ripping their little bodices . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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Andy Williams on Whad’ya Know

Posted September 26, 2012 by mefeld
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Andy Williams

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Ben Taylor Oh Brother

Posted September 26, 2012 by mefeld
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Oh Brother

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All the News That Isn’t

Posted September 24, 2012 by mefeld
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9-24-12

Mitt Romney says he meant to say 47% of Americans are victims of receding gums.

The Romneys have been very fortunate in that respect.

Retooling his campaign, Romney says he will be president of all 26 states of the United States of America.

And the territory of the Cayman Islands.

Pretty sure the Swiss account is in the horse’s name.

Romney doubled-down on the 47% figure for dependent entitled victims, so it has risen to 94%.

At campaign stops Ann is now handing out free food, healthcare, and what-not. Horse treats.

Trying to broaden his base, Romney will attend the Latin Grammies. Aides are encouraging him not to do “Hot, Hot, Hot!” Or “Calore, Calore, Calore!” as Mitt insists on calling it.

To show he will president of all the people, Romney promises to bring tax evasion to the middle class.

Takes a special guy to brag about underpaying taxes.

Mr. Romney will attempt to loosen up his speeches by imagining the audience in Mormon underwear.

In other news that isn’t . . .

Paulie Ryan caned to within an inch of his life at AARP convention. They didn’t think much of his opening “American Association of Retarded People” quip. Kills ’em in Janesville.

Vin Diesel indicted for Fast & Furious.

Chicago students return to truant as classes resume.

In the aftermath of the strike, Mayor Rahm Emmanuel finds he’s missing another finger.

Several NFL replacement refs had to be put to sleep after last week’s games. It’s the kindest thing.

47% of Americans would like to get in on those Romney donor sex parties.

French magazine must hand over Kate breast originals.

Current rate of exchange is 2 Kate breasts for 1 Harry bottom.

Not much movement on the topless Fergie shots, and there’s carloads of ’em.

Mars Curiosity begins search for something that looks like Pasadena.

Chad Johnson and Evelyn Lozada divorce before I know who they are.

New Apple maps on the iPhone 5 only show Cupertino.
Although Steve Jobs’ house is shown as a water filtration plant.

Apple maps show Cayman Islands right off La Jolla. Convenient.

Iran is missing from the Israeli Apple maps.

Content for Apple maps comes from the Ouija people.

So much tumult about iPhone 5 Apple maps nobody’s noticed you can’t make a call on the damn things.

Lindsay Lohan was using Apple maps when she clipped that cook in the driveway. Replacement refs did not call clipping, however.

What Lindsay needs are diplomatic plates.

Paris Hilton blows chance to be gay icon big time.
Paris now says 47% of Americans are horny and probably have aids.

Only makes sense that Jesus had a wife and that he never mentioned her.

New Romney ads don’t mention him by name, just as the guy with the Paulie Walnuts hair.

This fall on Fox: Mitt Romney Special Victims Unit.

Here in Wisconsin, Judge overturns Teacher Repair Bill, and

In Madison, 3rd graders hold their breath to protest Governor Walker’s visit to their elementary school . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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All the News That Isn’t

Posted August 21, 2012 by mefeld
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8-20-12

Todd ‘Legitimate Rape’ Akin supplants Paulie Ryan as top conservative intellectual.

Short run for Paulie who, as a B-minus student at Janesville Craig, was leading the intellectual pack.

Paulie Ryan finally driven off the front page by Miley Cyrus’s
haircut. Kind of a deconstructed Bart Simpson.

Only got a Quayle-light bounce from his selection.

He still has the Ryan budget, so called because he’s unable to budge it.

The Romney people have asked Ryan to stop referring to the plan as The Final Solution, and to Medicare as Medicide.

Good news is Paulie Ryan has been granted asylum in Ecuador.

Romney has paid as much as 13% in taxes, but only tips 10%–if the service is good.

This is the same rate my 18 year old pays on her declared baby-sitting. The bulk of her babysitting income is in the Cayman Islands. And, of course, the Swiss accounts.

Curiously, the Romney figure is the same as the luxury tax. Most likely for bric-a-brac at the La Jolla-on-Sea estate.

Or, what he might have done was add together Ann & his 6.5% Salt Lake sales taxes and, after running it past Paulie Ryan, come up with 13%.

The hope is Mr. Romney will release his returns so the rest of us can figure out how to get off with a 13% rate.

On holy land junket, Republican congressmen recreate Jesus’ drunken nude swim in Galilee–fortunately none walk on water.

Russian punk band Pussy Riot gets 2 years in the Gulag while Lady Antebellum walks around free.

Arizona begins wrist tattoo ID’s for suspected immigrants.

Consumer confidence even with consumer angst.

Current thinking is Neanderthals didn’t mate with humans but did serve as vice presidents.

Steve Jobs home burglarized and all his Samsung tablets stolen.

Question is, how did the burglar know he wasn’t at home?

Birth control for men formulated–they’re calling it beer.

Ecuador adds Wikileaker Assange to its portfolio of bananas, pot and money transfers.

Sexting is, like, so over when it appears in the Merriam-Webster.

F-bomb makes the dictionary, too, but it occurs so often should be the f-carpet bomb. Bleep bomb for Real Housewives fans.

Kristen Stewart to star in Snow Off-White.

To aid UN waste management effort, Bill Gates puts a billion dollars into Vapoorize.

Fukushima butterflies fine, it’s the world that’s abnormal.

Walnuts said to be good for you walnuts.

Stock freefall, or, the Facebook on the Barroom Floor.

GM recalls 40,000 cruisers leaving 80,000 cops stranded at Dunkin’ Donuts.

In second preseason loss Packers opt for no-huddle-no-offense offense,

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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All the News That Isn’t

Posted August 13, 2012 by mefeld
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8-13-12

With the Paulie Ryan VP pick new hope for Janesville 2020 Olympics.

The Romney people have asked Ryan to stop referring to his health plan as Medicide.

Returning to Wisconsin, Paulie Ryan says his veins are filled with cheese which, unfortunately, is no longer covered.

If he can stick his fist down a catfish gullet he should be able to do something for Mitt Romney.

Tim Pawlenty had to be talked down from atop the Paul Bunyan in Brainerd, MN.

With the elections coming down to the wire, the best indicators of the outcome are celebrity endorsements. To date:

President Obama:
Sarah Jessica Parker
George Clooney
Leonardo DiCaprio
Hillary Duff. (Hillary Duff?)
Neil Patrick Harris
Ricky Martin
Suze Orman (no pattern there)
Steven Spielberg and
Harry Osmond, the renegade Osmond.

Mitt Romney:
Porn star Jenna Jameson
Clint Eastwood
Orson Bean (still alive)
Chuck Norris
(comedian) Jeff Foxworthy
Ted Nugent
Kid Rock
Gene Simmons (makings of one really strange band)
and Brad Pitt’s mom.

You be the judge.

Polls show President Obama either pulling away from Romney or Romney backing up. Thought I heard a ding ding ding ding ding.

Drone seen over Mr. Romney’s bus.

Mr. Obama leads by a wide margin among Latinos & women–just one Latina could wrap things up. Maybe Rosie Perez.

The president has been so busy campaigning he’s really neglecting the war on religion. Not going to fight itself.

Same for the preoccupied Romney who’s only killed the one woman who needed medical care.

Biggest challenge for Romney is to finish dumbing himself down by November 6.

Mitt has really worked on his stump speech which is now down to “Give me sugar. In water.”

This whole taxes thing is so unfair–rich people don’t pay taxes and Obama knows it.

In other news that isn’t . . .

Dune buggy clearly visible in latest Mars Curiosity photo.

Olympics finishes with 3 legged races and eggs in spoons.

In closing ceremony spectacle, 100 foot wide Elton John devours 50 foot Madonna and a clip of Queen as Pussy Galore in Bond epic.

Not much left for Brazil to do in 2016.

Trading kidneys for iPhones should be less likely with new iKidney. Siri filters all your bodily fluids–just ask.

Road crew paints yellow line over Randy Travis.

Corn closes at $1,617.50 an ounce.

Getting hard to keep all the psychopaths straight. More of an editorial, there.

Drones soon available for civilian use at Drones ‘R Us.

Drone sweet drone.

Your neighbor gets one it’ll be keeping up with the droneses.

Russian punk band Pussy Riot faces 3 years in the gulag for a bad band name. When one band is imprisoned for a name, no band is free.

Have yet to hear from the Pussycat Dolls on this one.

Apple sends iTroops over the DMZ to Samsung headquarters in Seoul.

60% of farm states suffering from severe congressional drought,

and, Evidence proves that 3 human species once coexisted where now one cannot . . .

. . .That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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