All the News That Isn’t
9-24-12
Mitt Romney says he meant to say 47% of Americans are victims of receding gums.
The Romneys have been very fortunate in that respect.
Retooling his campaign, Romney says he will be president of all 26 states of the United States of America.
And the territory of the Cayman Islands.
Pretty sure the Swiss account is in the horse’s name.
Romney doubled-down on the 47% figure for dependent entitled victims, so it has risen to 94%.
At campaign stops Ann is now handing out free food, healthcare, and what-not. Horse treats.
Trying to broaden his base, Romney will attend the Latin Grammies. Aides are encouraging him not to do “Hot, Hot, Hot!” Or “Calore, Calore, Calore!” as Mitt insists on calling it.
To show he will president of all the people, Romney promises to bring tax evasion to the middle class.
Takes a special guy to brag about underpaying taxes.
Mr. Romney will attempt to loosen up his speeches by imagining the audience in Mormon underwear.
In other news that isn’t . . .
Paulie Ryan caned to within an inch of his life at AARP convention. They didn’t think much of his opening “American Association of Retarded People” quip. Kills ’em in Janesville.
Vin Diesel indicted for Fast & Furious.
Chicago students return to truant as classes resume.
In the aftermath of the strike, Mayor Rahm Emmanuel finds he’s missing another finger.
Several NFL replacement refs had to be put to sleep after last week’s games. It’s the kindest thing.
47% of Americans would like to get in on those Romney donor sex parties.
French magazine must hand over Kate breast originals.
Current rate of exchange is 2 Kate breasts for 1 Harry bottom.
Not much movement on the topless Fergie shots, and there’s carloads of ’em.
Mars Curiosity begins search for something that looks like Pasadena.
Chad Johnson and Evelyn Lozada divorce before I know who they are.
New Apple maps on the iPhone 5 only show Cupertino.
Although Steve Jobs’ house is shown as a water filtration plant.
Apple maps show Cayman Islands right off La Jolla. Convenient.
Iran is missing from the Israeli Apple maps.
Content for Apple maps comes from the Ouija people.
So much tumult about iPhone 5 Apple maps nobody’s noticed you can’t make a call on the damn things.
Lindsay Lohan was using Apple maps when she clipped that cook in the driveway. Replacement refs did not call clipping, however.
What Lindsay needs are diplomatic plates.
Paris Hilton blows chance to be gay icon big time.
Paris now says 47% of Americans are horny and probably have aids.
Only makes sense that Jesus had a wife and that he never mentioned her.
New Romney ads don’t mention him by name, just as the guy with the Paulie Walnuts hair.
This fall on Fox: Mitt Romney Special Victims Unit.
Here in Wisconsin, Judge overturns Teacher Repair Bill, and
In Madison, 3rd graders hold their breath to protest Governor Walker’s visit to their elementary school . . .
That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
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