All the News That Isn’t

Posted March 4, 2013 by mefeld
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3-4-13

Right now we’re looking at Honeymoon II on Titanic II, or, possibly, the Carnival Mars Triumph cruise.

Titanic II could be interesting if there’s an Iceberg II. Titanic II is so authentic even the same lack of lifeboats.

There will be steerage II on Titanic II.

As for Mars, I don’t know, that’s a long shot. She won’t even go to Florida with me, she’s going to go to Mars?

I think there will be other couples, so that would help. She’s OK as long as there are witnesses.

In other news that isn’t–

Pope emeritus reclines red-slippers up in an Armani track suit with a bottle of Pellegrino watching Golden Girls.

Can finally relax now that he’s not infallible anymore.

Hired the butler back. Living on campus, even if he flew the 100 yards by helicopter to the new place. Nice–not as–but nice.

Had to give up the papal twitter, but his eminence can now be found @joeratzinger.

Meanwhile, the Vatican Pope Combine goes on–peppy little Cardinal from Brazil getting a lot of looks–good footwork, snappy 40 yard processional.

Italians want it back pretty bad. After a Pole, than a German, a lot of sentiment for bringing the cup back home!

Conventional wisdom says the next Pope white, male and Catholic. 10-1 Italian.

Only one likely American candidate–Donald Trump.

In other news that isn’t—

Manti Te’o impresses scouts from eHarmony at NFL Combine. Little slow in the 40 due to all the texting.

Sequester is on–first automatic cut: Congress.
Next: the Executive Branch.

Will leave Tony Scalia pretty much in charge, unless he opts for Pope.

The United States of America: Too Big to Succeed.

Google could run the whole thing with logarithms.

Secretary of State Kerry offers swift boats to Syrian opposition.

Apple CEO Tim Cook says head not stuck in sand, won’t say where is stuck.
But there’s an app for it.

Fukushima tuna have amazing shelf life.

Dennis Rodman says Kim Jong Un the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I’ve ever known in my life.

For Kim, one glimpse of Rodman in a wedding dress and zing went the strings of his heart.

Should have know something funny about the IKEA Man O’ War Meatballs.

Supreme Court reconsiders Voting Rights Act, next will take a look at Suffrage.

Joe Biden has arrived in Vatican City to fill in as Vice Pope.

Sequester magically transformed into Silver Linings Playbook.

Some Cardinals mistakenly return to Capistrano instead of Vatican City.

The Vatican gift shop stripped of everything except a couple of JPII jar openers.

In a perfect world, Jodi Arias would hookup with Oscar Pistorius, for a brief time be Jodi Arias-Pistorius.

The President has signed the sequester bill, but, cleverly, as Luke Skywalker, and

Here in Wisconsin, Governor Walker gets the mine, Badgers get the shaft . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

funny-titanic-sequel-213x300

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All the News That Isn’t

Posted February 18, 2013 by mefeld
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2-18-13

Asteroid misses Hartford by 17,490 miles, Slinger by 17,492.

When your dog barks at an asteroid you know it came close.

Koch brothers hoping for an asteroid hit so they could mine it.

In shocking finale, Downtown Abbey ends on ambiguous note in New Jersey diner.

Tiger Woods tells President Obama nice to see you play well again.

Time again, already, for the annual Carnival Survivors Cruise.

First sequester, then spring break.

Hopefully, Congress will be the first of the automatic cuts.

Adjusting to Gay Olympics now the only alternative for Olympic wrestlers when sport dropped.

President Obama has prepared an alternative immigration plan under which immigrants leave the country.

More users observed taping 2 iPhones together for bigger screen.

Lot of folks have been fooled by the iFaux.

French introduce 3D horsemeat printer.

To come out of bankruptcy Readers Digest will shrink its articles to 140 characters and renew itself as Tweeters Digest.

Brewer Ryan Braun arrives in camp a bit late after stopping to pick up a prescription in Miami.

Manti Te’o has been dropped by his internet provider.

40,000 protestors tell Washington to get fracked.
Won’t be long before it’s back to having to pick out an outfit for Pope Benedict.

New Beyonce special on HB0: Life is But a sfu.

Dental calculus is not plaque, it’s used to figure how much they can sock you for.

Tough one—divorce Kim Kardashian or play in the NBA playoffs?

Wisconsin Governor Walker’s 1% education increase means milk money for public schools and cream for charters, and

Knut the polar bear: only the first in a disturbing trend of stuffed celebrities?

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Asteroid

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The Wrong Side of the Tracks–Semi Twang

Posted February 14, 2013 by mefeld
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The Wrong Side of the Tracks

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All the News That Isn’t

Posted February 11, 2013 by mefeld
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2-11-13

Pope looking forward to being Joe Ratzinger again.

Car parks across England searched for Richards I and II.

They reconstructed the skull of Richard III, and it turned out to be Jimmy Hoffa.

Residents of Yorkshire have been asked to call the Royalty Hotline before digging.

Newt Gingrich does State of the Union guest shot in Speaker’s seat behind President Obama just to slump and make faces one last time.

President Obama’s State of the Union this time draws heavily from Arabian Nights. The President’s recurring theme: Drone Sweet Drone.

On and on and on with the drone, already.

Court extends second amendment rights to drones.

Post Office amends motto to neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor Saturdays.

The Post Office should leave Saturdays and cut Monday through Friday.

Meanwhile, Reform Judaism is looking for a few good mail carriers who now have Shabbes open.

Mussolini within margin of error of victory in Italian elections.

Turns out a lot of what we think to be French horsemeat is actually Polish.
But, in a blind taste test, people could not tell the difference.

OK, horsemeat lasagna is not appealing, but what do you expect when you buy Flicka Italian Entrees?

Vatican OK with the 20 hours of TV before sex method.

None of this winter weather was a problem before the Weather Channel began naming storms.

Did they really mean Nemo? The Disney Fish that Talks Like Albert Brooks Winter Storm?

Orco’s next. Orco’s the Basque Thunder God, but still. Will it play in Osseo?

And then, get this, Winter Storm Plato. A Platonic weather event. That’s cold.

Nemo is not what we’re calling it here, if we’re calling it anything. Just the usual “Another day in paradise” and off we trudge.

The Weather Channel is forbidden to use the name Winter Storm Feldman.

25 billion iTunes sold, but a good billion or more are Happy Birthday and other special occasion tunes–Hava Nagila, Hawaiian Wedding Song and Chant, the Chicken Dance, Let Me Entertain you, etc. That’s at least 5 billion right there.

The Brewer’s Ryan Braun appears on a clinic list in Miami, but, Jewish man, even a young one, goes in for a consult at a Miami anti-aging clinic, totally conceivable. They serve you sesame seed bagels while you wait, voila!

Chris Christie laughs about his weight on Letterman, because you know fat people. What I like about Christie is he’s never morbidly obese, always happily.

The Monopoly people will have to pry the tiny iron out of my cold dead mortgaged to the hilt hand.

You can now take your guns to church in Arkansas, but, please, no bullets on the collection plate.

Obviously background checks don’t work if Wayne La Pierre can pass one.

Sad Valentine’s Day for Manti Te’o without all the e-cards.

Manti does make you wonder what’s left out between the e and the o.

Shahs of Sunset being groomed for return to power in Iran.

The Boy Scouts will hold a May Gay Jamboree this year. First time they’ve celebrated May Gay.

Congress looking at random spending cuts instead of automatic ones.

To sequester or not to sequester, that is the sequestion.

President Obama has been shooting skeet in case they let him into the club.

CBS Grammy dress code restriction on butt-cracks seals the fate of any singing plumbers.

Republicans toy with electable candidates.

The late Fidel Castro says Hugo Chavez has never looked better, and

Our common ancestor turns out to be a rat with a furry tail—her side, maybe . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t

little iron

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All the News That Isn’t

Posted February 4, 2013 by mefeld
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2-4-13

Beyonce wears that outfit to the Inaugural nobody notices she’s not singing.

Beyonce was great, but what a time to forget your pants.

Baltimore Harbaughs take it to the San Francisco Harbaughs.
East Coast/West Coast thang.

Whatever else you can say about Ray Lewis, at least he doesn’t point to God after creaming somebody.

Had two sisters been coaching would’ve been a much bigger story.

Close game, though–Jack must have treated those 2 boys pretty equal.

Recall on Mercedes Superdomes–wiring problem.

In other news–

Republicans welcome immigrants with open guns.

NRA’s Wayne LaPierre has never heard of a silencer.

Senate gun bill covers everything but guns.

Space monkey returns to day job as president of Iran.

President Obama offers contraception compromise: withdrawal with prejudice.

Birth control one of those things you hate to compromise on.

Boy Scouts offer Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell badge.

Next for the Boy Scouts–Jews. Yet to meet a Jew who can tie a knot.

John Kerry approved as Secretary of State without anybody asking “why the long face”?

Housing prices on the rise–up to $40 on Mediterranean Avenue. Still sluggish on Baltic.

Grandma, what big retina displays you have!

Lindsay Vonn rubbing off on Tiger Woods.

Economy contracts on weak gun sales outside the US. Guys, save some for export!

The Calm Act, supposed to lower the volume of commercials, goes into effect.
I SAID THE CALM ACT IS SUPPOSED TO LOWER THE COMMERCIALS VOLUME!

The commercials are just as loud, but my hearing is softer.

Dow hits 14,000 but I don’t feel it. 14,000 what? Points? Like they used to have on the back of Tareytons? Must get something pretty good for 14,000 points.

Should Bud take over Modelo Brewing they will have to pry the Corona out of my cold dead mano.

Golfer VJ Singh admits using curry.

Last Manti Te’O joke: Manti Te’O admits torrid 2 year affair with Flo from Progressive Insurance, and

Ben Affleck nominated for Best Beard but Lincoln grabs Top Hat . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t

130203-beyonce-sexy-1045p.photoblog600

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All the News That Isn’t

Posted January 28, 2013 by mefeld
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1-28-13

So what if Beyonce lip-synched? What lips!

You try singing over the Marine Band. Not the harmonica, the whole band!

A House committee is looking into whether lip-synching is an impeachable offense.

Turns out Katie Couric is Manti Te’O’s fake girlfriend. Could’ve been worse–could’ve been Bill O’Reilly.

North Korea claims it has a workable Ding Dong and a Ho Ho capable of reaching the US.

John Kerry windsurfs during his confirmation hearing.

Not a single participant flies economy to the World Economic Forum.

Wall Street bobbing for Apple Stock.

Apple will turn this around with a bigger, cheaper iPhone the iSamsung Galaxy.

The new Happy Ending Republican party debuts with Reince Priebus happy talkin’ talkin’ happy talk.

Everybody and his brother now expects to coach in the NFL.

How can 2 brothers plan a Super Bowl when they can’t even agree on Thanksgiving? If it’s that hard to get to Mequon once a year, how about Thiensville?

The Chicago Allouettes–formerly da Bears–won’t be making it to the Super Bowl any time soon, but they’re a shoo-in for the Grey Cup. Providing the Argonauts and the Stampeders don’t get there first.

Hillary Clinton bangs head on table to make point at Benghazi hearing.

Hillary has been cleared for combat duty.

House passes the Wimpy “gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today” bill.

Next on North Korea’s hit list: Freedonia. Then, the Grand Duchy of Fenwick,

And, Sarah Palin, dropped by Fox, picked up by the Home Shopping Network . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t.
reusablespacex copy

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All the News That Isn’t

Posted January 22, 2013 by mefeld
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All the News That Isn’t

The number of NRA members going to the tailor with bullet holes in their pants pockets increases tenfold.

National Rabbit Association sues NRA over trademark.

Then there’s the guy who escaped prison by carving a bar of soap into an NRA card.

The National Recovery Administration called and would like their initials back.

Some of the NRA youth do the sideways shooty thing, but the elders frown on it.

In other news that isn’t–

Still awaiting the analysis on Lance Armstrong’s tears.

That’s why they call it dope.

A bit shocking that the Livestrong bands were used to find a vein.

Maybe we should be looking into why so many grown men rides bikes in unitards.

Debt ceiling easy–just take the pill that makes you smaller.

Or get a debit ceiling card and let dad cover it.

President Obama back to doing the give ’em hell, Barry thing. Could be worse, could be doing Halley Berry.

You can stare down Congress, Mr. President, but it won’t work on Michelle.

Btw–I would have gone with the Wu, too.

Have to say nobody ever looked better in a high-waisted coat made of ties.

Chief Justice Roberts clearly relieved to not have sworn in Osama this time.

The President was sworn in on a stack o’ Bibles.

Highlight of his speech was the impassioned vow to put a man in Congress by the end of the decade.

Afterwards, mostly statues in Statuary Hall at the Congressional luncheon.

Later that night, doing Fred & Ginger on the Presidential seal.

I saw a man and he danced with his wife.

After the ball is over, the Boehner.

Elsewhere–

The French pick another fight. Not your pere’s French.

Whole Foods CEO Benito Mussolini compares Obamacare to Fascism.

No longer get to pose nude at the TSA scanner, but there is still a photo booth in the terminal.

Fecal implants a possibility? No . . . . kidding!

Had they let us bring lithium batteries on board, at least they would’ve had a spare.

787 working title was the Edselliner.

Manti Te’o’s girlfriend was Georgia Glass.

This whole thing is not so unusual–my wife is a hoax.

Why there is no Heisman trophy for girlfriends.

A lot of the ordained staff at Notre Dame have imaginary girlfriends, so they thought nothing of it.

Now just needs an imaginary team to draft him.

Da Bears now the Chicago Alouettes. Will practice with funny balls on an oddly shaped field.

Argentine mamas haul your daughters inside, Mark Sanford’s back.

Next, Weiner will spring up.

Dreamliner problems traced to lack of plastic shades.

Walmart buys $50 billion dollars worth of Made in USA crap, and

Changes are proposed for Scrabble letter values. They will have to pry the tiles out of my cold dead hand.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

flyinged copy

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All the Inaugural News That Isn’t Special Edition

Posted January 21, 2013 by mefeld
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All the Inaugural News That Isn’t

The theme for President Obama’s second term will be Forwarder.

To underline his religious values the President was sworn in on a stack o’ imagesCAO5QIOSBibles.

In his speech the President made no mention of the debt ceiling or Michelle’s bangs.

Katy Perry had to be physically restrained from singing the national anthem.

A speech on Martin Luther King’s birthday that was more I Have a Good Night’s Sleep than I Have a Dream.

More Marvin Gaye than MLK as the president asked the throng with: Mother, mother everybody thinks we’re wrong/ Oh, but who are they to judge us simply because our hair is long?

Chief Justice Roberts very careful not to swear in Osama this time around.

President George HW Bush and Aretha Franklin, unable to attend due to health reasons, watched together from an assisted living condo in Houston.

No 21 gun salute given the current climate. NRA volunteered to do it, but some concern about them raising their rifles.

Notably absent due to chilly temperatures was Miss America, who assumed it was a swimsuit event.

Some fashionista chatter re: Michelle Obama’s Thome Browne dress made from neckties; Joan Rivers claimed they were her late husband Edgar’s.

President and Mrs. Obama attended Church’s Chicken before the ceremony.

Nothing but statues in the Statuary Hall for the Congressional Luncheon.

Katy Perry does a creditable if risqué job leading the inaugural parade clad in constitutional top and bill of rights short shorts.

While the Romneys were unable to clear the date to attend, they sent a ginormous Stonewall Kitchen jam, chutney and whoopie pie basket.

Just now learned my wife tore up my Inaugural Invitation thinking it was more begging from the DNC . . .

That’s All the Inaugural News That Isn’t, Special Edition.

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13’s Through History

Posted January 18, 2013 by mefeld
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13’s

2013, to many triskaidekaphobes , sounds ominous, but the 13’s, throughout recorded history, have had their fair share of interesting moments, some of them even momentous–

1913–16th Amendment–the Income Tax–is ratified, if not embraced.
1813–US troops level Toronto in reprisal for the British White House arson.
1713– Juraj Janosik, the Slovak Robin Hood, is impaled on a hook by the Slovak Sheriff of Nottingham.
1613–In a sand pit near Grenoble, workers discover the 30 foot skeleton of Gallic giant king of the Teutons, Teutobochus, then misplace it.
1513–Ponce de Leon, searching for the Fountain of Youth, instead finds St. Augustine, Florida, known today for the Fountain of Oldth.
1413–Former wayward boy Henry V, inheriting the Crown and the Hundred Years War from Henry IV, surprises all by manning up and nearly conquering France.
1313–Wang Zhen, agronomist and inventor of moveable type, self-publishes the first printed book, the Nong Shu, or Book of Agronomy. If you must read one book in 1313 it is the Nong Shu.
1213–Pope Innocent III calls for a 5th Crusade to get Jerusalem back, instead gets Constantinople sacked.
1113–Pierre Abelard opens his school in Paris just so Heloise will one day walk in.
1013–King Sweyn I of Denmark invades England, quickly adds King Sweyn I of England to his string.
913– Byzantine Emperor Alexander, whose older brother Michael the Drunkard was passed over, dies after a one year reign highlighted by mandated boar worship.
813–Charlemagne names his eldest, Louis the Pious co-emperor of the Franks, despite his tedious appellation. To be fair, he was also called Louis the Fair.
713–Emperor Xuanzong, the lesser of the Tangs, manages to exhaust the Inexhaustible Treasury with massive and numerous brick and mortar tributes to himself.
613– Æthelfrith of Northumbria, the man who whipped the Britons into Englishmen, has less luck with the Welsh.
513–Saint Vigor shows how he got the name when, made Bishop of Bayeaux, he levels a pagan temple and celebrates mass on the rubble.
413–The Visigoths, on a roll under King Ataulf, conquer Toulouse and Bordeaux in France, out-vandalize the Vandals in the Iberian peninsula.
313–A plus and minus year for Maximinus, as the Emperor wins Turkey in the Spring and loses it in the fall.
213–Cao Cao, prime minister of the Han Dynasty, is deemed Wei Gong with 10 cities under his Gong, later known as the not-so-small Kingdom of Wei.
113–Pliny the Younger, lawyer and nephew, not son, of Pliny the Elder, dies from a badly timed visit to Pompeii, and, in the year
13–Jesus celebrates Bar Mitzvah. Jesus-Preaching-in-Temple

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Salty Tears – Semi Twang

Posted January 17, 2013 by mefeld
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01 Salty TearsimagesCAPKXCW9

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