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All the News That Isn’t

January 22, 2013

All the News That Isn’t

The number of NRA members going to the tailor with bullet holes in their pants pockets increases tenfold.

National Rabbit Association sues NRA over trademark.

Then there’s the guy who escaped prison by carving a bar of soap into an NRA card.

The National Recovery Administration called and would like their initials back.

Some of the NRA youth do the sideways shooty thing, but the elders frown on it.

In other news that isn’t–

Still awaiting the analysis on Lance Armstrong’s tears.

That’s why they call it dope.

A bit shocking that the Livestrong bands were used to find a vein.

Maybe we should be looking into why so many grown men rides bikes in unitards.

Debt ceiling easy–just take the pill that makes you smaller.

Or get a debit ceiling card and let dad cover it.

President Obama back to doing the give ’em hell, Barry thing. Could be worse, could be doing Halley Berry.

You can stare down Congress, Mr. President, but it won’t work on Michelle.

Btw–I would have gone with the Wu, too.

Have to say nobody ever looked better in a high-waisted coat made of ties.

Chief Justice Roberts clearly relieved to not have sworn in Osama this time.

The President was sworn in on a stack o’ Bibles.

Highlight of his speech was the impassioned vow to put a man in Congress by the end of the decade.

Afterwards, mostly statues in Statuary Hall at the Congressional luncheon.

Later that night, doing Fred & Ginger on the Presidential seal.

I saw a man and he danced with his wife.

After the ball is over, the Boehner.

Elsewhere–

The French pick another fight. Not your pere’s French.

Whole Foods CEO Benito Mussolini compares Obamacare to Fascism.

No longer get to pose nude at the TSA scanner, but there is still a photo booth in the terminal.

Fecal implants a possibility? No . . . . kidding!

Had they let us bring lithium batteries on board, at least they would’ve had a spare.

787 working title was the Edselliner.

Manti Te’o’s girlfriend was Georgia Glass.

This whole thing is not so unusual–my wife is a hoax.

Why there is no Heisman trophy for girlfriends.

A lot of the ordained staff at Notre Dame have imaginary girlfriends, so they thought nothing of it.

Now just needs an imaginary team to draft him.

Da Bears now the Chicago Alouettes. Will practice with funny balls on an oddly shaped field.

Argentine mamas haul your daughters inside, Mark Sanford’s back.

Next, Weiner will spring up.

Dreamliner problems traced to lack of plastic shades.

Walmart buys $50 billion dollars worth of Made in USA crap, and

Changes are proposed for Scrabble letter values. They will have to pry the tiles out of my cold dead hand.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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