All the News That Isn’t


Pope looking forward to being Joe Ratzinger again.

Car parks across England searched for Richards I and II.

They reconstructed the skull of Richard III, and it turned out to be Jimmy Hoffa.

Residents of Yorkshire have been asked to call the Royalty Hotline before digging.

Newt Gingrich does State of the Union guest shot in Speaker’s seat behind President Obama just to slump and make faces one last time.

President Obama’s State of the Union this time draws heavily from Arabian Nights. The President’s recurring theme: Drone Sweet Drone.

On and on and on with the drone, already.

Court extends second amendment rights to drones.

Post Office amends motto to neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor Saturdays.

The Post Office should leave Saturdays and cut Monday through Friday.

Meanwhile, Reform Judaism is looking for a few good mail carriers who now have Shabbes open.

Mussolini within margin of error of victory in Italian elections.

Turns out a lot of what we think to be French horsemeat is actually Polish.
But, in a blind taste test, people could not tell the difference.

OK, horsemeat lasagna is not appealing, but what do you expect when you buy Flicka Italian Entrees?

Vatican OK with the 20 hours of TV before sex method.

None of this winter weather was a problem before the Weather Channel began naming storms.

Did they really mean Nemo? The Disney Fish that Talks Like Albert Brooks Winter Storm?

Orco’s next. Orco’s the Basque Thunder God, but still. Will it play in Osseo?

And then, get this, Winter Storm Plato. A Platonic weather event. That’s cold.

Nemo is not what we’re calling it here, if we’re calling it anything. Just the usual “Another day in paradise” and off we trudge.

The Weather Channel is forbidden to use the name Winter Storm Feldman.

25 billion iTunes sold, but a good billion or more are Happy Birthday and other special occasion tunes–Hava Nagila, Hawaiian Wedding Song and Chant, the Chicken Dance, Let Me Entertain you, etc. That’s at least 5 billion right there.

The Brewer’s Ryan Braun appears on a clinic list in Miami, but, Jewish man, even a young one, goes in for a consult at a Miami anti-aging clinic, totally conceivable. They serve you sesame seed bagels while you wait, voila!

Chris Christie laughs about his weight on Letterman, because you know fat people. What I like about Christie is he’s never morbidly obese, always happily.

The Monopoly people will have to pry the tiny iron out of my cold dead mortgaged to the hilt hand.

You can now take your guns to church in Arkansas, but, please, no bullets on the collection plate.

Obviously background checks don’t work if Wayne La Pierre can pass one.

Sad Valentine’s Day for Manti Te’o without all the e-cards.

Manti does make you wonder what’s left out between the e and the o.

Shahs of Sunset being groomed for return to power in Iran.

The Boy Scouts will hold a May Gay Jamboree this year. First time they’ve celebrated May Gay.

Congress looking at random spending cuts instead of automatic ones.

To sequester or not to sequester, that is the sequestion.

President Obama has been shooting skeet in case they let him into the club.

CBS Grammy dress code restriction on butt-cracks seals the fate of any singing plumbers.

Republicans toy with electable candidates.

The late Fidel Castro says Hugo Chavez has never looked better, and

Our common ancestor turns out to be a rat with a furry tail—her side, maybe . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t

little iron

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