Whad'ya Know?

31 Years of All the News That Wasn’t

1985:  Madonna: Like a Virgin. Like, as in ‘as if.’

86:  Voyageur 2 chasing Voyageur 1 into infinity.

87:  President Reagan says the question is not what he knew and when he knew it, but what’s the question?

88:  NAFTA trade agreement passes; we immediately trade Mexico for Canada and two countries to be named later.

89:  Ollie North asks Fawn, are those documents in your panty hose or are you happy to see me?

90:  A besieged Noriega surrenders when the Howard Stern show blasted at him.

91:  In the Gulf, the first war ever fought over an invading army eating zoo animals is over.

92:  After agreeing to end the Cold War, President Bush and Boris Yeltsin wander around listless and out-of-sorts.

93:  “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” to “You Bet, Don’t Mention It.”

94:  Bill, you know anything about this dry cleaning bill?

95:  OJ acquitted, Naked Gun 4 given green light.

96:  Dolly the sheep cloned because sheep don’t look enough alike.

97:  El nino blamed for everything El padre wasn’t.

98:  New European currency, the Euro, easily confused with Greek sandwich.

99:  Clinton impeachment ends,  takes with it Cokie Roberts and Sam Donaldson discussing oral sex.

2000:  Israel’s Ariel Sharon panned for performance of “If I Was a Rich Man” on Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem.

2001:  265 lawmakers vote identically to ban human cloning.

02:  Axis of Evil turns out to be AC/DC song from George W’s wild youth.

03:  In Iraq, mobile poison gas labs turn out to be Saddam’s tricked-out party Winnebago’s.

04:  Facebook, a way of liking people you don’t like, launches.

05:  After winning his 7th straight Tour de France, Lance Armstrong put out to stud.

06:  After accusing Madison, Wisconsin, residents of “communing with the Devil,”  Bill O’Reilly inexplicably coughs up feathers and chicken parts.

07:  Democrats take control of Congress and convert the House Gallery into daycare.

08:  Britney Spears released after spaying.

09:  Steve Jobs says it’s not his liver its just a software glitch.

10:  While a cost effective way of transporting oil, BP Gulf disaster decried by many.

11:  Arab Spring skips Arab Summer, goes right to Arab Fall.

12:  On her Diamond Jubilee Queen Elizabeth tells Prince Phillip, “Don’t even think of getting me anything.”

13:  At inauguration President Obama says he has a good feeling about second term.

14:  Neanderthals and Humans last had sex 40,000 years ago, and I know how they feel.

15: Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker vows to take collective bargaining rights away from Isis.

And, 2016:  Donald Trump says “Had to let Melania go. Wasn’t working out like we hoped. Plus, she stole.