Posted tagged ‘michael feldman all the news’

This Just In: 31 Years of All the News That Wasn’t

July 26, 2016



31 Years of All the News That Wasn’t





1985:  Madonna: Like a Virgin. Like, as in ‘as if.’


86:  Voyageur 2 chasing Voyageur 1 into infinity.


87:  President Reagan says the question is not what he knew and when he knew it, but what’s the question?


88:  NAFTA trade agreement passes; we immediately trade Mexico for Canada and two countries to be named later.


89:  Ollie North asks Fawn, are those documents in your panty hose or are you happy to see me?


90:  A besieged Noriega surrenders when the Howard Stern show blasted at him.


91:  In the Gulf, the first war ever fought over an invading army eating zoo animals is over.


92:  After agreeing to end the Cold War, President Bush and Boris Yeltsin wander around listless and out-of-sorts.


93:  “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” to “You Bet, Don’t Mention It.”


94:  Bill, you know anything about this dry cleaning bill?


95:  OJ acquitted, Naked Gun 4 given green light.


96:  Dolly the sheep cloned because sheep don’t look enough alike.


97:  El nino blamed for everything El padre wasn’t.


98:  New European currency, the Euro, easily confused with Greek sandwich.


99:  Clinton impeachment ends,  takes with it Cokie Roberts and Sam Donaldson discussing oral sex.


2000:  Israel’s Ariel Sharon panned for performance of “If I Was a Rich Man” on Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem.


2001:  265 lawmakers vote identically to ban human cloning.


02:  Axis of Evil turns out to be AC/DC song from George W’s wild youth.


03:  In Iraq, mobile poison gas labs turn out to be Saddam’s tricked-out party Winnebago’s.


04:  Facebook, a way of liking people you don’t like, launches.


05:  After winning his 7th straight Tour de France, Lance Armstrong put out to stud.


06:  After accusing Madison, Wisconsin, residents of “communing with the Devil,”  Bill O’Reilly inexplicably coughs up feathers and chicken parts.


07:  Democrats take control of Congress and convert the House Gallery into daycare.


08:  Britney Spears released after spaying.


09:  Steve Jobs says it’s not his liver its just a software glitch.


10:  While a cost effective way of transporting oil, BP Gulf disaster decried by many.


11:  Arab Spring skips Arab Summer, goes right to Arab Fall.


12:  On her Diamond Jubilee Queen Elizabeth tells Prince Phillip, “Don’t even think of getting me anything.”


13:  At inauguration President Obama says he has a good feeling about second term.


14:  Neanderthals and Humans last had sex 40,000 years ago, and I know how they feel.


15: Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker vows to take collective bargaining rights away from Isis.


And, 2016:  Donald Trump says “Had to let Melania go. Wasn’t working out like we hoped. Plus, she stole.CoTMwjPWEAA7bkV