Whad'ya Know?

11-19-12

The question is, do you want a good biography or don’t you?

OK, “All In” was unfortunate, but still.

Just because Eisenhower did it is no excuse. I mean, look at Mamie.

At least they could throw the grunts a bone once in a while. Lucky to get a shave and a haircut.

So far Bill Clinton has not weighed in.

Should all be between General Petraeus and Mrs. General Petraeus. And the Taliban’s got nothing on Holly.

Made him head of the Secret Service, this wouldn’t have been a problem.

Guess Joint Chiefs is out.

General Petraeus testified that he knew a nice little bed and breakfast in Benghazi.

Pat Robertson cited scripture, saying “And the Lord sayeth, hey, a guy’s a guy.”
If you can be a fisher of men, I guess you can be fisher of women.

In other News That Isn’t . . .

Romney closer to conceding Florida. Had to wait till the 15th for tax purposes.

Mr. Romney has doubled down on his Obama gift-giving charge, saying he gave:
Swag to Blacks,
Tchotchkes to Jews,
Energy drinks to young people,
Lederhosen to Germans,
Spam to Hawaiians and
Red Man to Nascar voters.

Getting late in the game, and so far the Romneys have only received Christmas cards from Bain Capital and the Tabernacle building fund.

A planet with no solar system found lost in space has been dubbed Romneyus.

Cholesterol linked to dementia, which explains why cows stand around and chew when there’s no cud in their mouths.

New Improved Republicans come around on immigration–will let Mexicans entering the US play through to Canada.

Speaking of which, if all 50 states secede the vacuum will suck Canada into Mexico.

New phrase enters the language: “Feeling like Jill Kelley without a base pass.”

Daniel Day Lewis assassinates Lincoln again.

United’s Commodore 64 system goes down again, although the pong is still working.

At JFK, $2 million in iPad minis stolen in a case just this big!

Microsoft insiders say Ballmer didn’t fire Sinofsky, he ate him. Hence, Windows Ate.

GOP boss in Maine now says it was probably moose and not black voters coming out of the woods on election day.

In a dramatic if incoherent farewell, Ron Paul says, “The time has come to talk of many things–of shoes, of ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings.”

Obama and Boehner picnic on Fiscal Cliff. Lots of tears in the beers.

Calls to bailout Hostess as too Twinkie to fail.

Breaking Dawn Part 2 leaves Breaking Wind Part 2 behind.

The first video game for dogs Call of Doo-Doo released.

Man had spears a half-million years ago, but didn’t hit anything for the first 100,000.

New Cracker-Jack’d is caffeinated, and has tiny cigarettes as prizes.

At the start of gun season in Wisconsin, deer hunters are encouraged to report any marijuana fields they find to the other guys at deer camp–but, remember, gentlemen, when you’re high every deer is Bambi . . .

And That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

deer stand

May 7, 2012

China’s Chen offered basketball scholarship at Harvard. Chentastic!

Hillary was allowed one carryon leaving China. Chen.

Well, it is China not Chena.

Chen will be remanded back to the custody of his wife.

They’re taking the Braille address plate down from the Beijing embassy.

That’s the thing about China–a half hour later you want to leave again.

In non-Chen news–

Newt swallowed by black hole.

Callista’s Facebook status changes to “complicated.”

Romney auditioning sister VP’s.

Ann Romney’s mission as first lady will be sewing socks for soldiers.

John Edwards told an aide to do the physically impossible, although not for Edwards.

The Scream goes for $120 million–Mr. Bill, priceless.
Next up on the block the Munch balloon art.

Bin-Laden anniversary–and the guy hated surprise parties.

Papers reveal bin-Laden wanted to rebrand Al Qaeda as Americans for Prosperity. Osama bin-Koch.

The New Orleans Saints had a bounty on bin-Laden.

President Obama to replace NASA with Angry Birds Space.

Pontius Pilate quits EPA after crucifixion crack.

Amsterdam Weed & Hooker tour called off.
Please, sir, may I have a weed pass?

S & P downgrades Spain to Pain.

Only the cattle get Planned Parenthood in Texas.

Arizona cuts Planned Grandparenthood.

Obama adopts Forward slogan now that Wisconsin no longer needs it.
Rejected slogans–“Hope for No Change,” “Got Change?” and “No Hopey, No Changey.”

Chrysler has risen. Hard to believe would come back in the form of a Dodge Dart.

Google street view able to sniff undies in hamper while passing.

Oh, to have been a fly on the wall at the Michael and Whitney hookup. Bet that took a while.

Zombie formerly known as Randy Moss reports to training camp.

Cleveland terrorists planned to torch the Cuyahoga.

Vogue plans to use only Scarlett Johansson sized and bigger models, changes name to Zaftig, and

Super Cow jumps Super Moon . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

July 25, 2011

Orange alert from Speaker Boehner.

Debt ceiling collapses on gang of 6; Cantor, at kids table, crawls away.

And they were just this far apart, as dad used to say.

Each side charging it’s the other’s default.

The government will simply “forget” to sign the checks when paying bills.

Impasse comes even after the President moved the goal posts right up to Mr. Boehner’s toe. Problem was Mitch McConnell flinched while holding the ball.

President Obama has lessened the impact of a default by taking a reverse mortgage on the white House.

Additionally, he decreed August 2nd to be September 15.

Congress passes Plan 9 from Outer Space.

When your only check and balance is Jon Stewart, you know you’re in trouble.

In other impasses–

NFL owners OK contract, will take the field in August. Got a lot of trainin’ to do, Lucy.

Space shuttle Atlantis goes condo in Huntsville, AL, subdivision, alongside some very nice converted Saturn boosters.

Now begins a private race to the moon very much like “Despicable Me.”

There’s just 60 days left to Ask & Tell, Marcus Bachmann.

Even more to the Bachmann family story since Michele is really Michael. Explains the migraines.

Tiger fires the caddy who hand the club to Elin.

Straw poll has Katy Perry over Rick ten to one.

This just in–negotiators have agreed to not raise the debt ceiling but lower the debt floor.

Rupert Murdoch says he thought the hacking was whooping cough.

Murdoch tells Parliament down came a jumbuck to drink beside the billabong up jumped the swagman and seized him with glee
and he sang as he tucked jumbuck in his tuckerbag.

In something akin to the alignment of heavenly bodies, both Hugh Grant and the Taliban are hacked on the same day.

14 year old hacks NATO into NA and TO.

B list celebs lining up to be hacked by News Corp.

Wendi Deng testing waters in Iowa. She’s proven she can kiss a pig.

Google + skewed towards the full-figured.

New Apple Lion OS delivered through implant in base of skull.

Casey Anthony spotted skating past muscle beach on Venice CA boardwalk.

Definitely not her couponing at the Sav-Mor in Kalamazoo.

“Cut off his penis and put it through the disposal” the worst “that’s what she said” ever.

Minnesota has about 3500 of the lakes up and running.

Dalai Lama reworks the feng shui in the Obama map room.

Taverns open their doors to victims of heat wave.

So hot that a lot of guys concealing and carrying are going off in their pants.
But that’s protected under the second amendment, too.

Poll reveals 62% of Americans believe there may be a better country but can’t find it on a map.

Survey finds baby boomers not afraid of losing their looks. Second survey finds they should be.

Republican gerrymandering pushes Wisconsin democrats into the UP.

And–boy–the summer is going fast–Cubs already up to 39 victories . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t

All the News That Isn’t 3/10/11

Gang that couldn’t deal straight burns the Reichstag.

Teachers stripped of rights and deloused by Walker shock troops.

Man posing as Governor makes prank speech dissolving state of Wisconsin.

Really had us going there, for a minute. Scotty sure can keep a straight face.

I mean, teachers, cops, public workers, sure–but the recycling? Hah! Good one! Wish I would have thought of it.

Cutting out child nutrition and making breast feeding a misdemeanor–great stuff! You can make this stuff up.

Transitioning to our new Southern lifestyle here in Wisconsissippi will take a bit of getting used to, y’all, but I like the ring of “America’s Beulahland.”

The dairy farms weren’t doing much, anyway–putting ’em in cotton’s the best thing that could’ve happened.

Liftin’ that barge and totin’ that bale on the banks of the Kinnikinnick makes you glad to be way up north in Wixie.

Those majestic pole barn manor houses on the soybean plantations.

The University of Wisconsin–Ol’ Wis, going with football and dropping the academics.

Our new non-union worker’s paradise will–hopefully–soon attract a Kia or a Hyundai. So far just a Payday America and a couple of Waffle Houses, but it’s a start!

Thank you, Big Daddy!

And in All the Non-Wisconsissippi News That Isn’t . . .

House defends marriage which is more than she ever did.

Obama tells Khadafy “stop it right now, mister. Don’t make me stop this car!”

Libya rebels push a giant Trojan Ukrainian nurse into Tripoli.

Economy turns corner for third time, finds itself back where it started.

Wisconsin outlaws prank phone calls, orders arrest of Bart Simpson.

President Obama takes scalpel to eviscerated budget carcass.

Wisconsin Republicans send posse across Illinois border to round up fugitive Democrats claiming asylum under the Lake Geneva Convention.

If the Democrats have Toyotas, they could recall their brake pedals.

NFL the latest dispute the President won’t dirty his hands with. Still pissed about the Bears.

NFL wants to go back to the plantation system. Worked for a lot of years.

Governor Walker has offered to replace NFL players with Wackenhut general service felons, and do a kind of a Longest Yard thing.

Pope says he will stop wearing Galliano.

In a conciliatory gesture, the Pope commutes Jews’ sentence on the Jesus rap to time served.

Thousands flock to reported sighting of white iPad.

Steve Jobs thinner, lighter, with new processor.

Great and all, but what about the tablets Moses was carrying?

Newt to run on the Hot Tub Time Machine ticket.

Callista just needs to stop at Stepford for a tune-up.

Poor Newt–finally the right wife and there’s no way in hell.

Mike Huckabee decides to stay in the double-wide what with noodling season so near.

Jim DeMint proposes National Private Radio. Already in mourning at Morning Edition, not to mention All Offers Considered. Pure panic at “Wait! Wait! Don’t!”

The live sex demo at Northwestern was necessary because they’re not Wildcats in the bedroom.

Cam Newton figs it at NFL Combine.

Bernie Madoff will work off the Mets swindle by selling hot dogs in a pyramid scheme at Citi Field.

BYU forward Brandon Davies says, if it’s any consolation, it wasn’t that good.

Sirhan Sirhan seeks release now that there’s no Kennedys left to shoot.

German Catholics call for an end to celibacy, rank and file hope it extends to the laity.

Kirstie Alley the new Bristol Palin and then some on Dancing With the Stars.

Galliano and Sheen head out for a night of Jew baiting, and

Christina Aguilera arrested in anthem reprisal . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

—
how tweet it is @myfeldman

All the Non-Wisconsin News That Isn’t

James Franco remakes Freaks & Geeks at Academy Awards.

Porky Pig accepts for King’s Speech

Cam Newton figs it at NFL combine.

1 in 5 banks finished 2010 with a loss as opposed to 5 in 5 of their clients.

Handwriting on the wall as Ukrainian nurse deserts Khadafy.

The thing is, he’s a Bedouin. They’re nomadic. One morning he–and the goats–will just be gone!

After Khadafy–Khadafy Duck.

The Tripoli Starbucks says it knows nothing about any coffee pills.

Rick Santorum’s mouth moving for no reason.

RNC scientists attempting to splic together Republican presidential candiates to get something halfway decent.

Vatican says no communion for NY Governor Cuomo, living in sin with foodie Sandra Lee–but, surely, a nice wine!

Glenn Dreck says something about the Jews.

Justin Bieber gets haircut, loses magical powers.

Then there’s the country singer, Lady AgAg. That’s fresh meat she’s wearing.

Paul Mc Cartney’s debuts ballet Rocky Raccoon Lake.

iPod 2 has wings, twice the absorbency.

Shuttle Discovery breaks out of earth orbit, goes for it.

English sighting of Loch Ness monster just Charles doing the back float.

Cell phone use stimulates brain cells, although you wouldn’t know it from the conversations.

And the UPS replacement for diesel fuel is big and brown . . .

Christina Aguilera to be deported.

Steelers and Black-Eyed Pees lose the Super Bowl.

The good news is that the 400 Packers fans told no room in Arlington will ascend to heaven.

Jews claim Aaron Rodgers born Rothstein.

Meanwhile, Bret Favre is throwing bullets through a hoop down in Kiln, MS.

Well, the Packers are a great bunch of guys, and it was a pleasure playing with them.

In other news,

The weather has settled down to frozen steppes tundra seasonal, or Siberia without the Gulags, as we think of it.

I will say I’ve seen less nude snowmobiling this winter than any time I can remember. Just remember your flotation devices, guys.

Cairo, IL, is quiet.

In Egypt another Departure Day comes and goes. Well, he was scheduled to leave on United.

I don’t mean to be pushy, but take a tip from the Jews–the Pharaoh stays, everybody else leaves. There are plenty of taxi medallions left in NYC.

Tea Party seen in crowd at Cairo square, or it might have been Egyptians dressed like Betsy Ross and Ben Franklin.

Egyptians are massing for the third week to demand their Internet back.

The revolution is currently waiting on dial-up.

Looters have reduced the pyramid at Giza to a utility shed. But a darn sturdy one.

Some of the great artifacts of Egypt have been removed, unfortunately, Mubarak’s not among them.

Muslim Brotherhood and Steamfitters Local vying for power.

Due to Egyptian restrictions, it is now Al Jazeera Home Shopping Network.

Cartouches on special.

President Obama tells Egyptians “You can be better.”

John McCain suggests Sarah Palin as Mubarak V.P.

Sarah Palin said she can see the Sphinx from her deck.

Anderson Cooper mistakenly says “You want a piece of this?” in Arabic.

Thugs reportedly mistook Anderson Cooper for Gloria Vanderbilt.

Negotiations on with Mubarak to give him the Conan slot on TBS. Very funny.

Mubarak will leave as soon as his pyramid is finished.

Mubarak does not see shadow, expect 6 more weeks of regime.

Mubarak wants to cure stutter before abdicating.

Curfew–do you know where your Egyptians are?

Pimps and ho’s entitled to Planned Parenthood like anybody else.

Reports have Roethlisberger leaving party after Sheen.

Halle Berry and ex fight over custody of Kim Kardashian.

Pope Benedict takes his internal relics off the donor list.

Ron Reagan says that Sarah Palin is not his dad.

Kim Jong-un will succeed Steve Jobs.

Senate fails to repeal health care because some of the older guys need the supplemental.

Egypt news crowds out coop collapse in Hartford which caused 85,000 layers to lose their lives. To their credit, KFC was there in minutes.

Casino robbery suspect caught buying a Slurpee with a hundred dollar Bellagio chip.

The 2 suns visible from earth in 2012 nicknamed Sarah and Michelle.

TSA to offer regular and happy-ending screening,

And President Obama invites JLo to Super Bowl party, snubs Feldman.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

January 31, 2011

Unrest spreads to Cairo IL.

Mubarak mummy missing.

Egyptian revolution waiting on dialup.

President Obama says the economy’s in great shape, so if you’re broke it’s your own fault.

Calls upon Americans to love their bank.

Corporate profits way up–hey, isn’t that what started this thing in the first place?

Economy doing so well Madoff should soon be out on good behavior.

Oops–just had another sputnik moment. I get those duck and cover moments, too.

The bad news is the deficit is 1.5 trillion, the good news is I saved a bunch on my auto insurance.

The President’s Race to the Top has already lost over a million pounds.

The crisis panel says the economic meltdown is my fault. Wife’s on the panel.

Social Security funds won’t be drained until 2037 so we should be all right.

Arab states take their minds off Israel.

Keith Olbermann pushes jobless report higher.

Man on median with snarly voice turns out to be Keith Olbermann.

Meanwhile, Rachel Maddow straps on Olbermann’s frames to man up.

Rahm Emanuel on ballot in Tunisia.

Chicago board rules Jay Cutler non-resident.

On the State of the Union charts its Bachmann-Palin Overdrive.

Wisconsin’s little Paulie Ryan gave the reply for the student council. It was short because he had to be back in class.

Oprah discovers conjoined half-sister.

Of 10 billion Apple apps 37 are currently in use.

iPad will add iWallet for ease of iHand.

Steve Jobs on iHeart and iLung.

Teen girl says she didn’t know Berlusconi was 74.

Skins is Glee with pants down.

Jimmy Buffet finally gets off the stage.

Color coded terror alerts done, orange you glad?

Mayor Bloomberg is at the door, wants to know if he can shovel.

Olive pit sues Dennis Kucinich, wins.

In the only good news, blind orangutan gives birth to twins in Indonesia.

Taco Bell 34% taco 66% bell.

Pope says Catholics may Facebook for prevention of disease only.

Gallon of gas downsized to quart to keep prices steady.

After catapult failure, smugglers push Trojan piñata over Mexican border.

We don’t want to know how Charley Sheen got the hernia.

Record levels of stress found in college freshmen from the class of ’70,

and, in the Super Bowl, Packers 2 1/2 beer favorites over Steelers . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .