All the News That Isn’t

January 31, 2011

Unrest spreads to Cairo IL.

Mubarak mummy missing.

Egyptian revolution waiting on dialup.

President Obama says the economy’s in great shape, so if you’re broke it’s your own fault.

Calls upon Americans to love their bank.

Corporate profits way up–hey, isn’t that what started this thing in the first place?

Economy doing so well Madoff should soon be out on good behavior.

Oops–just had another sputnik moment. I get those duck and cover moments, too.

The bad news is the deficit is 1.5 trillion, the good news is I saved a bunch on my auto insurance.

The President’s Race to the Top has already lost over a million pounds.

The crisis panel says the economic meltdown is my fault. Wife’s on the panel.

Social Security funds won’t be drained until 2037 so we should be all right.

Arab states take their minds off Israel.

Keith Olbermann pushes jobless report higher.

Man on median with snarly voice turns out to be Keith Olbermann.

Meanwhile, Rachel Maddow straps on Olbermann’s frames to man up.

Rahm Emanuel on ballot in Tunisia.

Chicago board rules Jay Cutler non-resident.

On the State of the Union charts its Bachmann-Palin Overdrive.

Wisconsin’s little Paulie Ryan gave the reply for the student council. It was short because he had to be back in class.

Oprah discovers conjoined half-sister.

Of 10 billion Apple apps 37 are currently in use.

iPad will add iWallet for ease of iHand.

Steve Jobs on iHeart and iLung.

Teen girl says she didn’t know Berlusconi was 74.

Skins is Glee with pants down.

Jimmy Buffet finally gets off the stage.

Color coded terror alerts done, orange you glad?

Mayor Bloomberg is at the door, wants to know if he can shovel.

Olive pit sues Dennis Kucinich, wins.

In the only good news, blind orangutan gives birth to twins in Indonesia.

Taco Bell 34% taco 66% bell.

Pope says Catholics may Facebook for prevention of disease only.

Gallon of gas downsized to quart to keep prices steady.

After catapult failure, smugglers push Trojan piñata over Mexican border.

We don’t want to know how Charley Sheen got the hernia.

Record levels of stress found in college freshmen from the class of ’70,

and, in the Super Bowl, Packers 2 1/2 beer favorites over Steelers . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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