All the Latest News That Isn’t

Christina Aguilera to be deported.

Steelers and Black-Eyed Pees lose the Super Bowl.

The good news is that the 400 Packers fans told no room in Arlington will ascend to heaven.

Jews claim Aaron Rodgers born Rothstein.

Meanwhile, Bret Favre is throwing bullets through a hoop down in Kiln, MS.

Well, the Packers are a great bunch of guys, and it was a pleasure playing with them.

In other news,

The weather has settled down to frozen steppes tundra seasonal, or Siberia without the Gulags, as we think of it.

I will say I’ve seen less nude snowmobiling this winter than any time I can remember. Just remember your flotation devices, guys.

Cairo, IL, is quiet.

In Egypt another Departure Day comes and goes. Well, he was scheduled to leave on United.

I don’t mean to be pushy, but take a tip from the Jews–the Pharaoh stays, everybody else leaves. There are plenty of taxi medallions left in NYC.

Tea Party seen in crowd at Cairo square, or it might have been Egyptians dressed like Betsy Ross and Ben Franklin.

Egyptians are massing for the third week to demand their Internet back.

The revolution is currently waiting on dial-up.

Looters have reduced the pyramid at Giza to a utility shed. But a darn sturdy one.

Some of the great artifacts of Egypt have been removed, unfortunately, Mubarak’s not among them.

Muslim Brotherhood and Steamfitters Local vying for power.

Due to Egyptian restrictions, it is now Al Jazeera Home Shopping Network.

Cartouches on special.

President Obama tells Egyptians “You can be better.”

John McCain suggests Sarah Palin as Mubarak V.P.

Sarah Palin said she can see the Sphinx from her deck.

Anderson Cooper mistakenly says “You want a piece of this?” in Arabic.

Thugs reportedly mistook Anderson Cooper for Gloria Vanderbilt.

Negotiations on with Mubarak to give him the Conan slot on TBS. Very funny.

Mubarak will leave as soon as his pyramid is finished.

Mubarak does not see shadow, expect 6 more weeks of regime.

Mubarak wants to cure stutter before abdicating.

Curfew–do you know where your Egyptians are?

Pimps and ho’s entitled to Planned Parenthood like anybody else.

Reports have Roethlisberger leaving party after Sheen.

Halle Berry and ex fight over custody of Kim Kardashian.

Pope Benedict takes his internal relics off the donor list.

Ron Reagan says that Sarah Palin is not his dad.

Kim Jong-un will succeed Steve Jobs.

Senate fails to repeal health care because some of the older guys need the supplemental.

Egypt news crowds out coop collapse in Hartford which caused 85,000 layers to lose their lives. To their credit, KFC was there in minutes.

Casino robbery suspect caught buying a Slurpee with a hundred dollar Bellagio chip.

The 2 suns visible from earth in 2012 nicknamed Sarah and Michelle.

TSA to offer regular and happy-ending screening,

And President Obama invites JLo to Super Bowl party, snubs Feldman.

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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