All the News That Isn’t


The question is, do you want a good biography or don’t you?

OK, “All In” was unfortunate, but still.

Just because Eisenhower did it is no excuse. I mean, look at Mamie.

At least they could throw the grunts a bone once in a while. Lucky to get a shave and a haircut.

So far Bill Clinton has not weighed in.

Should all be between General Petraeus and Mrs. General Petraeus. And the Taliban’s got nothing on Holly.

Made him head of the Secret Service, this wouldn’t have been a problem.

Guess Joint Chiefs is out.

General Petraeus testified that he knew a nice little bed and breakfast in Benghazi.

Pat Robertson cited scripture, saying “And the Lord sayeth, hey, a guy’s a guy.”
If you can be a fisher of men, I guess you can be fisher of women.

In other News That Isn’t . . .

Romney closer to conceding Florida. Had to wait till the 15th for tax purposes.

Mr. Romney has doubled down on his Obama gift-giving charge, saying he gave:
Swag to Blacks,
Tchotchkes to Jews,
Energy drinks to young people,
Lederhosen to Germans,
Spam to Hawaiians and
Red Man to Nascar voters.

Getting late in the game, and so far the Romneys have only received Christmas cards from Bain Capital and the Tabernacle building fund.

A planet with no solar system found lost in space has been dubbed Romneyus.

Cholesterol linked to dementia, which explains why cows stand around and chew when there’s no cud in their mouths.

New Improved Republicans come around on immigration–will let Mexicans entering the US play through to Canada.

Speaking of which, if all 50 states secede the vacuum will suck Canada into Mexico.

New phrase enters the language: “Feeling like Jill Kelley without a base pass.”

Daniel Day Lewis assassinates Lincoln again.

United’s Commodore 64 system goes down again, although the pong is still working.

At JFK, $2 million in iPad minis stolen in a case just this big!

Microsoft insiders say Ballmer didn’t fire Sinofsky, he ate him. Hence, Windows Ate.

GOP boss in Maine now says it was probably moose and not black voters coming out of the woods on election day.

In a dramatic if incoherent farewell, Ron Paul says, “The time has come to talk of many things–of shoes, of ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings.”

Obama and Boehner picnic on Fiscal Cliff. Lots of tears in the beers.

Calls to bailout Hostess as too Twinkie to fail.

Breaking Dawn Part 2 leaves Breaking Wind Part 2 behind.

The first video game for dogs Call of Doo-Doo released.

Man had spears a half-million years ago, but didn’t hit anything for the first 100,000.

New Cracker-Jack’d is caffeinated, and has tiny cigarettes as prizes.

At the start of gun season in Wisconsin, deer hunters are encouraged to report any marijuana fields they find to the other guys at deer camp–but, remember, gentlemen, when you’re high every deer is Bambi . . .

And That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

deer stand

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