Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category

« Whad'ya Know? home page
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

All the News That Isn’t for 10-1-12

October 1, 2012

10-1-12

The old Hoffa’s in your driveway scam.

Then some guy with a ladder and a bucket of tar says Hoffa’s on your roof.

That’s not radon in your basement, that’s Hoffa.

Come in with the Hoffa sniffing dogs.

You and I disappear, we’re gone. But not Hoffa . . .

In all the news that isn’t Hoffa–

Sinatra leads in swing states.

If we could only find Sinatra we’d find Hoffa.

Wednesday first debate between robocalls.

Romney lowers expectations and concedes debates.

Apple chief apologizes for maps from dead end in Compton.

Chef convicted for seriously overcooking wife.

Lingerie league refs leave NFL so wedgies will not be called anymore.

Nice to hate refs again for all the right reasons.

Refs were a little rusty coming back, genuflecting for a hail Mary.

Israel’s Netanyahu shows the UN Iran’s cartoon bomb. Have achieved Spy v. Spy technology.

Vatican says take Jesus’ wife, please.

Romney retools pitch, extols compression for the poor, says he has great apathy for their plight. Knows what it means to be money hungry.

Romney will open debate by guessing Obama’s weight. If he’s from Canada.

Romney will suggest impoverished nations ask their dads for money.

Paul Ryan says he does not need to be unmuzzled, or something like that. Hard to tell because of the muzzle.
Might have said he was not a muggle.

Earlier version of the Mona Lisa–the Kardashian Lisa–revealed.

The drug ecstasy said to hinder recall, so it’s a win-win.

Students line up at the University of California-Davis for financial aid pepper spraying.

Company that makes the bullet trains in Japan will make Amtrak cars that look like they’re going much faster than they are.

Bacon shortage due to replacement pigs.

Reduced to 3 chicken nuggets for lunch, high schoolers go on protein rampage in mall.

And J.K. Rawlings first adult book has Harry Potter fans ripping their little bodices . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

Comments: Comments Off on All the News That Isn’t for 10-1-12

Andy Williams on Whad’ya Know

September 26, 2012

Andy Williams

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

Comments: Comments Off on Andy Williams on Whad’ya Know

Ben Taylor Oh Brother

September 26, 2012

Oh Brother

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

Comments: Comments Off on Ben Taylor Oh Brother

All the News That Isn’t

September 24, 2012

9-24-12

Mitt Romney says he meant to say 47% of Americans are victims of receding gums.

The Romneys have been very fortunate in that respect.

Retooling his campaign, Romney says he will be president of all 26 states of the United States of America.

And the territory of the Cayman Islands.

Pretty sure the Swiss account is in the horse’s name.

Romney doubled-down on the 47% figure for dependent entitled victims, so it has risen to 94%.

At campaign stops Ann is now handing out free food, healthcare, and what-not. Horse treats.

Trying to broaden his base, Romney will attend the Latin Grammies. Aides are encouraging him not to do “Hot, Hot, Hot!” Or “Calore, Calore, Calore!” as Mitt insists on calling it.

To show he will president of all the people, Romney promises to bring tax evasion to the middle class.

Takes a special guy to brag about underpaying taxes.

Mr. Romney will attempt to loosen up his speeches by imagining the audience in Mormon underwear.

In other news that isn’t . . .

Paulie Ryan caned to within an inch of his life at AARP convention. They didn’t think much of his opening “American Association of Retarded People” quip. Kills ’em in Janesville.

Vin Diesel indicted for Fast & Furious.

Chicago students return to truant as classes resume.

In the aftermath of the strike, Mayor Rahm Emmanuel finds he’s missing another finger.

Several NFL replacement refs had to be put to sleep after last week’s games. It’s the kindest thing.

47% of Americans would like to get in on those Romney donor sex parties.

French magazine must hand over Kate breast originals.

Current rate of exchange is 2 Kate breasts for 1 Harry bottom.

Not much movement on the topless Fergie shots, and there’s carloads of ’em.

Mars Curiosity begins search for something that looks like Pasadena.

Chad Johnson and Evelyn Lozada divorce before I know who they are.

New Apple maps on the iPhone 5 only show Cupertino.
Although Steve Jobs’ house is shown as a water filtration plant.

Apple maps show Cayman Islands right off La Jolla. Convenient.

Iran is missing from the Israeli Apple maps.

Content for Apple maps comes from the Ouija people.

So much tumult about iPhone 5 Apple maps nobody’s noticed you can’t make a call on the damn things.

Lindsay Lohan was using Apple maps when she clipped that cook in the driveway. Replacement refs did not call clipping, however.

What Lindsay needs are diplomatic plates.

Paris Hilton blows chance to be gay icon big time.
Paris now says 47% of Americans are horny and probably have aids.

Only makes sense that Jesus had a wife and that he never mentioned her.

New Romney ads don’t mention him by name, just as the guy with the Paulie Walnuts hair.

This fall on Fox: Mitt Romney Special Victims Unit.

Here in Wisconsin, Judge overturns Teacher Repair Bill, and

In Madison, 3rd graders hold their breath to protest Governor Walker’s visit to their elementary school . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

Comments: Comments Off on All the News That Isn’t

All the News That Isn’t

August 21, 2012

8-20-12

Todd ‘Legitimate Rape’ Akin supplants Paulie Ryan as top conservative intellectual.

Short run for Paulie who, as a B-minus student at Janesville Craig, was leading the intellectual pack.

Paulie Ryan finally driven off the front page by Miley Cyrus’s
haircut. Kind of a deconstructed Bart Simpson.

Only got a Quayle-light bounce from his selection.

He still has the Ryan budget, so called because he’s unable to budge it.

The Romney people have asked Ryan to stop referring to the plan as The Final Solution, and to Medicare as Medicide.

Good news is Paulie Ryan has been granted asylum in Ecuador.

Romney has paid as much as 13% in taxes, but only tips 10%–if the service is good.

This is the same rate my 18 year old pays on her declared baby-sitting. The bulk of her babysitting income is in the Cayman Islands. And, of course, the Swiss accounts.

Curiously, the Romney figure is the same as the luxury tax. Most likely for bric-a-brac at the La Jolla-on-Sea estate.

Or, what he might have done was add together Ann & his 6.5% Salt Lake sales taxes and, after running it past Paulie Ryan, come up with 13%.

The hope is Mr. Romney will release his returns so the rest of us can figure out how to get off with a 13% rate.

On holy land junket, Republican congressmen recreate Jesus’ drunken nude swim in Galilee–fortunately none walk on water.

Russian punk band Pussy Riot gets 2 years in the Gulag while Lady Antebellum walks around free.

Arizona begins wrist tattoo ID’s for suspected immigrants.

Consumer confidence even with consumer angst.

Current thinking is Neanderthals didn’t mate with humans but did serve as vice presidents.

Steve Jobs home burglarized and all his Samsung tablets stolen.

Question is, how did the burglar know he wasn’t at home?

Birth control for men formulated–they’re calling it beer.

Ecuador adds Wikileaker Assange to its portfolio of bananas, pot and money transfers.

Sexting is, like, so over when it appears in the Merriam-Webster.

F-bomb makes the dictionary, too, but it occurs so often should be the f-carpet bomb. Bleep bomb for Real Housewives fans.

Kristen Stewart to star in Snow Off-White.

To aid UN waste management effort, Bill Gates puts a billion dollars into Vapoorize.

Fukushima butterflies fine, it’s the world that’s abnormal.

Walnuts said to be good for you walnuts.

Stock freefall, or, the Facebook on the Barroom Floor.

GM recalls 40,000 cruisers leaving 80,000 cops stranded at Dunkin’ Donuts.

In second preseason loss Packers opt for no-huddle-no-offense offense,

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

Comments: Comments Off on All the News That Isn’t

All the News That Isn’t

August 13, 2012

8-13-12

With the Paulie Ryan VP pick new hope for Janesville 2020 Olympics.

The Romney people have asked Ryan to stop referring to his health plan as Medicide.

Returning to Wisconsin, Paulie Ryan says his veins are filled with cheese which, unfortunately, is no longer covered.

If he can stick his fist down a catfish gullet he should be able to do something for Mitt Romney.

Tim Pawlenty had to be talked down from atop the Paul Bunyan in Brainerd, MN.

With the elections coming down to the wire, the best indicators of the outcome are celebrity endorsements. To date:

President Obama:
Sarah Jessica Parker
George Clooney
Leonardo DiCaprio
Hillary Duff. (Hillary Duff?)
Neil Patrick Harris
Ricky Martin
Suze Orman (no pattern there)
Steven Spielberg and
Harry Osmond, the renegade Osmond.

Mitt Romney:
Porn star Jenna Jameson
Clint Eastwood
Orson Bean (still alive)
Chuck Norris
(comedian) Jeff Foxworthy
Ted Nugent
Kid Rock
Gene Simmons (makings of one really strange band)
and Brad Pitt’s mom.

You be the judge.

Polls show President Obama either pulling away from Romney or Romney backing up. Thought I heard a ding ding ding ding ding.

Drone seen over Mr. Romney’s bus.

Mr. Obama leads by a wide margin among Latinos & women–just one Latina could wrap things up. Maybe Rosie Perez.

The president has been so busy campaigning he’s really neglecting the war on religion. Not going to fight itself.

Same for the preoccupied Romney who’s only killed the one woman who needed medical care.

Biggest challenge for Romney is to finish dumbing himself down by November 6.

Mitt has really worked on his stump speech which is now down to “Give me sugar. In water.”

This whole taxes thing is so unfair–rich people don’t pay taxes and Obama knows it.

In other news that isn’t . . .

Dune buggy clearly visible in latest Mars Curiosity photo.

Olympics finishes with 3 legged races and eggs in spoons.

In closing ceremony spectacle, 100 foot wide Elton John devours 50 foot Madonna and a clip of Queen as Pussy Galore in Bond epic.

Not much left for Brazil to do in 2016.

Trading kidneys for iPhones should be less likely with new iKidney. Siri filters all your bodily fluids–just ask.

Road crew paints yellow line over Randy Travis.

Corn closes at $1,617.50 an ounce.

Getting hard to keep all the psychopaths straight. More of an editorial, there.

Drones soon available for civilian use at Drones ‘R Us.

Drone sweet drone.

Your neighbor gets one it’ll be keeping up with the droneses.

Russian punk band Pussy Riot faces 3 years in the gulag for a bad band name. When one band is imprisoned for a name, no band is free.

Have yet to hear from the Pussycat Dolls on this one.

Apple sends iTroops over the DMZ to Samsung headquarters in Seoul.

60% of farm states suffering from severe congressional drought,

and, Evidence proves that 3 human species once coexisted where now one cannot . . .

. . .That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

Comments: Comments Off on All the News That Isn’t

All the News That Isn’t 7-30-12

July 30, 2012

7-30-12
Kristen’s status way complicated.
Robert Pattinson moves native soil out of Kristen’s cellar.
Fortunately, vampire couples have infinity to work it out.
After Romney visit Anglos not speaking to Saxons.
The Sun only led with Mitt the Twit because nothing rhymes with Rupert.
Romney was disconcerted by the squadron of Mary Poppins paratroopers, and uncomfortable with a blind person winning the archery gold.
A lot of seats empty at London Olympics after crowd fails drug test.
Not winning the gold, but Michael Phelps saved a bunch on car insurance.
English children said to be very afraid of closing ceremony.
Not many in the seats, but Lord Coe has been stuffed to the gunnels.
After rave reviews in her Olympic cameo, the Queen will appear as Corgi Galore in the new Bond release Goldsceptre.
Romney says Salt Lake City Israel’s capital.
Romney taps money changers in temple for a million shekels.
In return, Romney gets the west bank settlements a Utah zoning variance, and will outsource the Israeli attack on Iran.
On the tourist side in Israel, Romney leaves a pamphlet in the Wailing Wall and sees the spot in Jerusalem where the salamander pushed back the rock from Jesus’ tomb.
In his shalom and farewell, Romney quips Palestinians are Jews without connections.
Rising fear in Poland Romney will open with a joke.
Asked if is the Democratic keynote speaker Bill Clinton says depends what is is.
Sarah Palin calls Cheney selection of Bush a mistake.
Chick-fil-a says marriage is between one hen and one rooster.
At least Colonel Sanders never told us how to live.
Around here, we’re just glad it was Chick-fil-a and not Usingers Sausage.
iPhone 5 delayed due to cloning problem with Jobs stem cells.
For Republican conventioneers in Tampa there will be a thin line between Busch Gardens and strip clubs.
The Democrats are hoping to attract people looking for the boat show.
Facebook drops 15% after a disappointing timeline.
Amazon enters the marriage fray by offering super saver same sex shipping.
Apple releases Tony the Tiger OSX. Had to run out of big cat names eventually,
And Wisconsin’s Governor Walker speaks to Harvard’s edjookashun conference,
. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

chick fil a wedding photo

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

Comments: Comments Off on All the News That Isn’t 7-30-12

July 23, 2012

7-23-12
99 degrees on the wall 99 degrees on the wall . . .
With nearly 60% of country in drought conservatives will only go so far as global pretty darn hot.
Cubs trade only pitcher, will use machine.
Mitt warned about playfully knocking off skull caps in Jerusalem.
They refused delivery of the Bobby Bowden statue at Penn State.
The Help 2: Hard to Get.
The fired Burger King worker says he was not standing in, he was nestled on a bin of lettuce.
Penn State to pour remaining resources into hacky sack.
They’re now bleeding black & blue & white.
Penn state has been limited to the Longest Yard Bowl.
Christie image appears in large burl on New Jersey ginkgo.
Portland International now a strip destination for a lot of travelers.
Assad thrown out of Arab bowling league.
Luxury cars fleeing Syria.
Ernie Els comes in 2nd to win the British Open.
Paterno statue arrives in Baghdad.
Meanwhile, Joe Arpaio’s Tijuana birth certificate turns up on Pawn Stars.
In moving the statue they discovered it was Joe Paterno.
Military now allowed to celebrate Gay Pride: the Few, the Gay Proud, the Marines.
Decoded sperm genome found to have one thing on its mind.
A majority of Americans say they’d like to have Romney’s tax return.
Morgan Freeman’s million dollar check to Obama PAC returned when found to be signed by God, and
Ann Romney finally lets a “you people” slip—-
That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

paterno statue removed

Categories: Uncategorized

Comments: Comments Off on

All the News That Isn’t

July 16, 2012

7-16-12

The Rolling stones have a new release marking 50 years on stage, “I Can’t Get No Geriaction.”

Hey, you, get offa my tube?

California marijuana crackdown–suddenly cows not so happy. Still see the occasional dolphin, but it brings no joy.

Egyptian parliament meets at Comic Con. Their booth’s right next to “50 Shades of Grey.”

Mitt Romney demands apology from Reggie Van Dough.

Still running Bain–it’s like the mafia: you can’t quit.

Romney’s knee slapping version Camptown Races failed to arouse NAACP.
Where he made his mistake was the medley–Camptown to Swing Low to What’s Goin’ On.

Goes on record as the most boring speech ever booed.
Weren’t boos so much as gasping for breath.

Romney has cancelled his appearance before the Islamic Brotherhood and will not open for the Kings of Comedy.

Latin Grammies still up in the air.

Got to give Mitt some chutzpah for landing in Israel on the High Holy Day of Mourning. Who’s booking this guy?

President Obama now feels obliged to do the National Realtors Association.

Somali militants offer 4 camels for Obama. Thinking they meant cigarettes, the president very nearly accepted.

They have since raised the offer to 5 camels and a yacht complete with cruise couple.

Berets required baguettes optional for US Olympians.

Wearing Ralph Lauren–could have been worse, was very nearly Victoria’s Secret. Crotchless tracksuits we don’t need.

Congress discovers Affordable Care a pre-existing condition.

Did vote down Newton’s Laws. Now an apple hits him on the head it’s an Obama conspiracy.

Real reason for opposition to medical care–conservatives don’t like to share a room.

Dick Cheney raffles off old heart at Romney anti-healthcare rally.

Nothing has been heard from Mitt Romney since the grouse hunt with Dick Cheney.

Bankrupt towns in the song Route 66 up to San Bernardino. And Oklahoma City looks oh so pretty.

Looking more like either German or circumcised.

Remains found suggest earliest Americans ate a ton of fiber.

Immigration to the Americas came in 3 waves: orthodox, conservative and reform.

To lose weight, keep a journal and eat it.

Stand instead of sit 3 hours a day, you’ll live 2 years longer but be dead on your feet , and

Governor Walkers anti-healthcare op-ed in Washington Post lifted entirely from Koch Notes . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

Comments: Comments Off on All the News That Isn’t

Long Tall Marcia Ball

July 10, 2012

01-Marcia Ball _ That’s How It Goes

Categories: Uncategorized
Tags:

Comments: Comments Off on Long Tall Marcia Ball

« Older Entries
Newer Entries »