Archive for November 2015

Dung Beetles Ultraviolet GPS: Whad’ya Know Quiz Annual Report

November 29, 2015

Whad’ya Know Quiz Annual Report
15 Takeaways from 2015

 

1. Ants are sluggards; only 2.6% work all the time, while 71.9% are doing nothing right now.
2. Vaudeville is not dead if Cordon Bleu birds can tap dance while singing their mating songs.
3. A Brit gives you the V sign it’s not for peace or victory.
4. State office workers suffer more from insomnia than hunter-gatherers.
5. 60% of shirt tuckers are happier on the job than non-tuckers.
6. At 421, the Scots have more words for snow than the Inuit, including sneesl, skelf, snaw-pouther, feefle, flindrikin and feuchter.
7. The average coach seat has shrunk as much as the average coach passenger has increased, an inch and a half, with no end in sight.
8. You have to pay a smoker $800 to quit.
9. Bees prefer, in fact crave, caffeinated nectar.
10. The word most associated with North Carolina is cackalacky; with Florida, toad strangler and with Illinois, Grabowski.
11. Dung beetles use ultraviolet variations in light from the sky to GPS their dung balls back home.
12. Drunk vegetarians eat meat 1/3 of the time.
13. People want to hear the bad news first but will give the good news first.
14. The catch to lake frontage on Saturn’s moon Titan is that they’re methane lakes.
15. Fruit flies feel fear, but neither joy nor regret.

Dung Beetle or Scarab Beetle (Scarabaeidae) rolling dung ball, Kenya, Africa

Dung Beetle or Scarab Beetle (Scarabaeidae) rolling dung ball, Kenya, Africa

Shy Sperm and All the News That Isn’t

November 23, 2015

11-23-15

White House turkey cut down by hundreds of rounds of automatic fire after being freed.
Still some good eatin’ thought if you pick trough.

On his rearranged map of the US, drawn from memory, Ben Carson gives New Hampshire Atlantic beachfront lengthwise in the hopes it will be a difference maker in the primary.

Trump anti-Muslim tirade is really frustration at his casinos being shut out of the Emirates. Trump Dubai–goodbye.
Trump was a hit of sorts at the Latin Grammies if “cerdo de mierda hijo de puta” means you’re the man.

Allegan and Pfizer merge into Gesundheit.

Innovative junior high “make a terrorist recruiting poster” assignment victim of the times.

Not saying everyone’s jumpy, but somebody on a Spirit flight let one go and they returned to Ft. Lauderdale.
Peanuts, too–the worst.

Genetically modified salmon already brined, smoked and sliced thin approved by the FDA.
And it’s been approved for Passover.

The gene for “bad drunk” has been found but so far no luck finding the “a round for the house” gene.

Dow jumps 150 points–if a world in chaos is what it takes for my IRA, so be it.

Coffee is good for longevity, so your coffee will get cold long before you do.
If you can find a place that still gives free refills you could live forever.

With the new Facebook ‘get off my damn feed’ tool it’s easier to break up without blocking them, which leads to it’s complicated you don’t want.
Now if I can just get my wife on Facebook.

Sad story here in Madison as Little Oscar is found crying in the former Oscar Meyer parking lot after his Weinermobile is repossessed.
Local cows the only ones not sad about Oscar Meyer leaving.

Women want a sperm donor who’s smart and shy but it’s almost impossible to get it from him.

Aids testing up 300% after Charlie Sheen announcement.

That’s All the News That Isn’tscience-test-tube copy

Amy Sedaris on Whad’ya Know: I Like You

November 17, 2015

https://soundcloud.com/michael-feldman-2/amy-sedaris-on-whadya-knowarts_qna2-1_29

Apostle Starbucks Cup and All the News That Isn’t

November 16, 2015

To make up for the insult to Jesus, Starbucks will write an apostle’s name on your cup.
Matthew–mocha grande latte skinny no whip.
Just a color scheme. Now zealots are saying Red Green hates Jesus.
Of course, some of us thought the holiday cups should be blue and gold, but we’re used to the slight.
Thought Dunkin’ Donuts Dunkin’ Jesus was in poor taste, though.

Budget deal turns out to be final solution for baby boomers. Cuts to Social Security, Medicare and Viagra coverage.
Wife stopped taking lady Viagra–gives her a headache.

Modifying his rhetoric, Donald Trump now says Ben Carson is the child molester type.
Like a pathological liar can’t be president. Have to be to get that far.
Anyway, you’d thing a pathological blowhard would be a bit more sympathetic.

Day one President Trump will deport Rubio (although the cheerleader can stay) while it’s electroshock for Ben Carson.

We’ll know Marco Rubio has made a breakthrough when kids in the pool answer Rubio! to Marco!

Jeb Bush on Rockstar Energy IV’s.
Left to Jeb, baby Hitler grows to a ripe old age.

Campbell’s recalls 355,000 cans of Spaghetti-O’s for Spaghetti-Type O’s.

At Joe’s Crab Shack now you only have to tip in months with ‘r” in them.

Russia is doped from the top on down. Something in the borscht.

The 2 Chinas are talking, Obama and Netanyahu meet–next my wife and I will enjoy a quiet meal together.

Orange Friday the new Black Friday.
Don’t know what useless thing I don’t want I’m prepared to fight over.

Utah judge’s order reversed and now lesbians are being given babies right and left.

Mormon church says same-sex multiple marriage not needed since we already have football teams and women’s rowing.

Obesity still on rise among Americans but many claim it’s good fat.

Longest Yard Scenario for Packer’s collapse suggests estrogen in their feed.
But, I tell you, they’re a much more compassionate team.
Clinically obese Eddie Lacy benched, but he just snacks on the bench.

The former Scott Walker lets it be known he’s available for vice-presidential duty, but is willing to start in the mailroom.

That’s All the News That Isn’t dollar cup

Bubbler Questions at Milwaukee Debate and All the News That Isn’t

November 9, 2015

11-9-15

Republican candidates furiously boning up for bubbler questions at Milwaukee debate.

The Longest Yard Theory: someone’s slipping female hormones in Packers feed.

At 6 billion dollars Candy Crush crushes Trump.

When it comes to trusting their candidates with nuclear weapons Republican voters say Huey 39%, Dewey 34%, Louie 27%.
Dr. President Ben Carson says he’s already used nuclear weapons.
Would say no more.

More emissions cheating, this time in Porches–but, I swear, as long as I keep my 911 at a steady 25 mph city and turn it off at stops I get 50 mpg. More with a tailwind.

Slumping Whole Foods increases prices to enhance cachet.
Folks finally figured out organic means grown in poop.

GOP riding the transgender bathroom wave hard.
Full court press on transgender bathrooms.
This would not be a problem if everyone just agreed to sit down to pee.

Dr. President Ben Carson says when he was a kid had an 8 foot tapeworm pulled from his head.
Claims it was a record–fact checkers pouring over Guinness Book.

Speaker Paulie Ryan installs wavy mirrors and out of perspective floors and walls in US Funhouse of Representatives.
43 million for the Afghan gas station, but, when you need the gas, you’re glad it’s there.

“Jeb Can Fix It” worst battle cry since the Alamo’s “I Didn’t Hear Nothin’!”

Primatologists find chimps have a mid-Atlantic accent.

Buckeye legalization fails in Ohio.

Ben Carson put a hammer to his Mama’s head because they were so poor couldn’t afford a scalpel.
Explains why, after missing her, he speaks with a quiet voice and makes no sense.

Smaller than a Borneo snail new worst epithet.

ABC newswoman who sat on Donald Trump’s lap being treated for unspecified symptoms.

Non-belief up as more Americans than ever find religion not improbable enough for them.

Day one Dr. President Ben Carson will fill the pyramids with grain.

President George HW Bush–the dad–called Dick Cheney an “iron-ass,” but he’s a little rusty.
The elder Bush also said he never cared for Jeb’s wife.
And that the birth record said Job not Jeb.
Explains a lot–particularly when all his oxen ran out.

Serena Williams runs down an old man who also has a gold iPhone 6 plus.

Ben Carson admits he got a Hotpoint not a West Point scholarship.

Donald Trump says Carson’s mama hammering and friend stabbing just means he’s Mexican.

Mercy killing for the Keystone pipeline–ah, she was a good ol’ sludge hose.

Christie and Huckabee ordered not to come within 5,000 feet of debate stage.
Only going to drive them together like Thelma and Louise.

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker comes out of seclusion to attend a Jeb Bush event in Milwaukee because he’s not yet ready for a lot of attention.

 

220px-Bubbler

That’s All the News That Isn’t

Of An Uncertain Age

November 4, 2015

You Are of An Uncertain Age If:
* Font is more and more of a consideration
*Your Dagwood Bumstead allusions fall on deaf ears
* You find yourself ending sentences with “. . . like so many of them do now.”
*You sing the song “Till I Was You.”
*Having lived this long you could indulge in any number of extreme behaviors and not have it affect your longevity and yet you don’t.
*You have 12 pack abs.
*Passing women give you a meaningless smile.
*Your children appear to be suffering you badly.
*You can’t remember your mantra or even if you had one.
*Any sagging is not a fashion statement.
*You have many blessings but they’re all in disguise.
*While you have long spoken to (select) inanimate objects, increasingly you engage them in animated conversation.
*Finding your coffee cold you are saddened.
*Your feet embarrass you and almost never make you proud.
*Increasingly, you sound like your mother imitating your father.
* No, you have more of a ‘rhymes with bucket’ list.
* Sitting robed in easy chair with pipe and slippers you dare spontaneous human consumption.

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