Archive for the ‘politics’ category

Donald Trump’s Biggest Asset and All the News That Isn’t for 8-19-16

August 19, 2016

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Problems in Podcasting 10: The Presidential Playlist

August 11, 2016

What Trump’s 4Y Deferment was For and All the News That Isn’t 8-5-16

August 5, 2016

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All the News That Isn’t Cleveland Convention Edition, 7-21-16

July 21, 2016

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The Ginsburg-Trump Affair and All The News That Isn’t 7-14-16

July 14, 2016

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Jon Snow Runs Trump Through and All the News That Isn’t

June 13, 2016

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The big news here in America’s Dairyland is Packers Quarterback Aaron Rodgers is giving up cheese and milk due to lactose intolerance–that’s OK, what you really don’t want is a lactose intolerant center.

 

A federal appeals court rules there’s nothing in the 2nd Amendment that anticipates conceal and carry, perhaps because it never occurred to the Founding Fathers to conceal a blunderbuss.

 

Should Britain leave the European Union they have an open invitation to join the Union of Former Soviet Socialist Republics.

Union Carbide called. Pipefitters Union. And the Onion, although that was more of a typo.

 

Perhaps if the Cavaliers called themselves anything else?  Raconteurs? Bon Vivants?  Schleppers?

 

$3.4 million for lunch with Warren Buffet and he still won’t reach for the tab.

Whatever else you can say about Mike Feldman, he did pick up the occasional check.

 

Study finds doctors and children only wash their hands when being watched, and neither picks up their toys.

 

On her 90th, Queen Elizabeth plays croquet with flamingos and hedgehogs. Getting just a tad eccentric.

Meanwhile, Prince Phillip keeps disappearing down rabbit holes.

 

Hillary and Elizabeth Warren can run together now that they’re past having to worry about synchronizing.

In the Game of Thrones finale, Jon Smith runs Donald Trump through and seizes the nomination and Melania.

 

Hillary finally wears a decent outfit and it turns out to be a $12,000 Armani.

Well, TJ Maxx wasn’t doing it for her.

Important, though, to wear your old clothes when talking to poverty groups.

 

The WWE will sanction the Presidential Debates this year, 10 rounds at Madison Square Garden.

Hil and Liz gonna tag team The Donald’s ass.

 

Something called Island Stress Shrinkage led to the Hobbits and NY Knicks small size.

 

An increasing number of female bees are reproducing on their own without waiting for Buzzwell.

 

Some Olympic athletes are putting their sperm on ice before Rio so they can at least enjoy their downtime.

 

Bernie stays in the race because you don’t quit being Bernie Sanders.

Unlike Norma Desmond, Bernie will not relinquish the spotlight.

 

Here in Wisconsin, 45,496 wild turkeys and twice that in frozen during spring turkey season.

 

Madison has been named the number one college football town in the country,

and you can’t get any higher than that–believe me, we’ve tried.

 

That’s All the News That Isn’tJon_Kill_the_Boy

5 hour Energy and All the News That Isn’t

March 7, 2016

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Following the Oscars diversity row, Straight Outta Compton will be reshot with a black bear attack.

The Rolling Stones will do a free concert in Cuba, their first since the Batista regime.

ISIS lines up behind Tim Cook and Apple in support of the impregnable iPhone.
Join ISIS now you get an AK-47 and an iPhone 6 plus,gold, while supplies last.
When they run out they just overrun another Apple Store in the Levant.

Reports say Osama Bin-Laden was worried his wife had a tracking device in her tooth. Should’ve been easy to find, there was just the one.
No, really, 6 wives with up to 32 teeth each you can see the problem.
Osama may have had a dental tracking device installed on her himself and just forgot he did it.

Mitt Romney calls on Donald Trump to be shunned, but he’s not Latter Day Saints. Don’t think you can shun a Presbyterian–they don’t like it.

President Obama says he will be staying in Washington during his Presidency.
Check that, should read after his presidency.

President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee is in limbo, so it’s unclear whether God or the Devil will vet this one. Could go either way.

Chick-fil-A is providing cell phone ‘coops’ where phones can be ‘chicked’ so diners may pay full attention to their guns while eating.
Hon, let’s dine at Chick-fil-A–just bring the derringer, we won’t be there long.

After spilling fruit salad on a fresh suit of clothes Ben Carson is out.

Many college cafeterias are banning energy drinks because of the correlation with unabated 5 hour sex.
Retirement homes, meanwhile, are laying them in by the truckload.
But remember if you experience more than 5 hours of energy, ring the night nurse.

Looking like the Presidential race will be playground bully versus girl who’s not afraid of him.

Bernie Sanders has been campaigning more and more at early bird specials.
Tuna salad on toast, Sanka, small fruit plate.

Cruz and Rubio bond after full frontal assault on Donald Trump, and plan to open a class action law firm in Miami, Cruz, Rubio and Moscowitz.

First order of business for President Trump: John Oliver’s visa.

The Trump cabinet will be filled with Apprentice winners seasons 1 through 12, Bill Rancic through Arsenio Hall.

Google self-driving car defects to Uber.

Learning a new sport is said to be good for the brain right up to the concussion.

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Einstein’s Hair Explained and All the News That Isn’t

February 15, 2016

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Gravity wave advisory until midnight.
Got really excited about the announcement thought it was gravy waves.

Confirmation of gravitational waves proves Einstein was right–like he needs to hear that again.
Gravity waves finally explain Einstein’s hair.

So, a burst of gravitational waves arrives after 1.3 billion years–only one question: where the heck have you been?
Gravity waves hitting the earth with a 30 times the mass of the sun at the speed of light explosion got nothing on Donald Trump.

Butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazon and Jim Gilmore drops out of presidential race.
And wakes Ben Carson out of sound sleep.
Little known fact that Ben Carson wears his mask over his eyes when he operates.

At the Hillary-Bernie debate in Milwaukee both candidates struggle with the bubbler question.
Sanders considered the winner because he did not wear yellow.

After Trump calls Cruz ‘what that lady said’ thousands of New Hampshire ladies agree.
The Lady and the Trump.

Marco Rubio tells his boys, 8 and 10, that the bleeped Trump reference was another name for a cat. The kids now think it’s unacceptable to call someone a grimalkin.
Rubio had more trouble explaining how he was the pretty face in a porn star’s endorsement–it’s complicated, kids.

In Mexico City someone steals the rims off the Popemobile. Should be pretty easy to find the guy around town.

Another look at Super Bowl 50 tapes shows that the North Korean satellite passed directly over Cam Newton just as he was deciding what to do about the game-losing fumble.
Turns out Kim Jong Un’s money was on the Broncos.

Kim Jong Un executes another uncle to clear up seating problem at reunion.

One hallelujah and last cowboy headin’ for the last roundup in Oregon.
Huge pile of bean cans left behind in Oregon reveals occupation was one long Blazing Saddles.

Global slide in stocks seen as boon for those of us who didn’t want to retire anyway.
Converted my SEP-IRA to a SUC-IRA.

Scientists at Johns Hopkins create mini-brains that could be ready for the 2020 Republican contest.

Kanye West says Cliff Huxtable could never have done all those things.

Study shows 46% of women are disappointed when they receive flowers for Valentine’s Day, 59% are humiliated getting anything from Victoria’s Secret, and 100% are disappointed to be handed Kohl’s Cash . . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t2einstens

Putin’s Wooly Mammoth and All the News That Isn’t

January 18, 2016

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Cruz charges Trump with New York values–if he means Billy Joel I’m with him on this one.
Trump charges Cruz with Saskatoon values–Gordie Howe Bowl and that.

Republication of Mein Kampf reveals Trump’s best lines were stolen.
Hitler back in print, Cosby out–Fatherland, Ja, Fatherhood nein.

Survey finds Walmart closings way more alarming to Americans than the government being overthrown.
At least the Walmart greeters have panhandling skills.

At $30 barrel now worth more than oil.
Bottom has fallen out of sludge entirely; Keystone the pipeline to nowhere.

President Talks Sense to Congress Leaves Them Baffled.
President Obama’s last State of the Union like Mr. Cleaver sitting with his arm around the Beav times 435.
434–Eddie Rand Paul Haskell was chatting up Mrs. Cleaver.
Side note–Kim Davis came stag illustrating the state of her union.

Netflix’s Making a Murderer wins Golden Globe for best comedy.

Most of the Powerball 1.5 billion will go to repay Ted Cruz’s Goldman Sachs loan.

Reacting to another whiteout at the Oscars, the Academy has decided to award Morgan Freeman the Lifetime Achievement Award annually until further notice.
Morgan Fairchild mistakenly given it this year.

Market upside: the more the Dow sinks the simpler it will be to probate my estate.

Light seen coming from a black hole because they don’t want people to think no one’s home.

Donald Trump will not be banned from the UK but will be quarantined.

Discovery of butchered wooly mammoth in Siberia suggests Putin family goes way back.

Here in Wisconsin–Screech booked into Ozaukee County Jail–Netflix all over it.

That’s All the News That Isn’t Vladimir-Putin-Riding-a-Mammoth-95456

North Korean H20 Bomb and All the News That Isn’t

January 11, 2016

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Turns out North Korea does not have the H-bomb–they have an H2O bomb-a really big water balloon.
Survey shows 9 out of 10 Americans would rather see Kim Jong Un than Donald Trump with an H-bomb.
You know he would use it on Macy’s for dropping his line of Trump-wear for the fascist on the go.
South Korea’s response of blasting K-Pop across the DMZ said to be disturbing Kim’s Katy Perry listening on his Beats.

Oregon militia leader compares self to Rosa Park, because she only wanted a seat on the bus and to graze 100,000 head on public lands.
Law officials tell Oregon occupiers, “Just keep it white.”
Can’t really arrest your brother-in-law even if you’d like to.

Donald Trump says if the Brits ban him they can forget about the Lusitania–she’s going down.

New VW electric car will burn coal for electricity.

The general perception that Hillary is too close to big banks comes from the fact that she dresses like a teller.

Donald Trump raises the point that Canadian-born Ted Cruz can’t be president.
The bigger question is can the only unlikeable Canadian ever be elected president?

Rams offer to take St.Louis to California with them.
About time the Rams settled down.

Following President Obama’s gun control speech sale of ray guns on Uranus skyrocket.

Modifying their DNA can make ants change their jobs, so there’s hope for the rest of us.

After the Netflix furor over the Steve Avery conviction, History Channel viewers demand the release of Hitler.

Johnny Manziel defects to ISIS.

Aging Millennials saving more because YORO–You Only Retire Once.

Survey shows 3 bisexual women for every 1 bisexual man–so how is this gonna work? Shifts?

Showing his lighter side, President Obama opens his last State of the Union singing “You can have her, I don’t want her, she’s too fat for me.”

In Health and Fitness–

Fitness DVD”s can lead to poor body image, with the exception of Richard Simmon’s “Fitness Fiesta.”
Fitbit sued by users who claim the heartbeat monitor actually tracks their Beats headphones–so your heartbeat is not 140, Dr Dre’s is.
90% of Americans consume too much salt–on the other hand, they are very well preserved.
Brits told only 6 pints per week, making for a very sobering Sabbath.

Overnight the Oregon occupiers filter out to get Powerball tickets–because with a billion dollars the cows can graze wherever they damn well please . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t