Einstein’s Hair Explained and All the News That Isn’t


Gravity wave advisory until midnight.
Got really excited about the announcement thought it was gravy waves.

Confirmation of gravitational waves proves Einstein was right–like he needs to hear that again.
Gravity waves finally explain Einstein’s hair.

So, a burst of gravitational waves arrives after 1.3 billion years–only one question: where the heck have you been?
Gravity waves hitting the earth with a 30 times the mass of the sun at the speed of light explosion got nothing on Donald Trump.

Butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazon and Jim Gilmore drops out of presidential race.
And wakes Ben Carson out of sound sleep.
Little known fact that Ben Carson wears his mask over his eyes when he operates.

At the Hillary-Bernie debate in Milwaukee both candidates struggle with the bubbler question.
Sanders considered the winner because he did not wear yellow.

After Trump calls Cruz ‘what that lady said’ thousands of New Hampshire ladies agree.
The Lady and the Trump.

Marco Rubio tells his boys, 8 and 10, that the bleeped Trump reference was another name for a cat. The kids now think it’s unacceptable to call someone a grimalkin.
Rubio had more trouble explaining how he was the pretty face in a porn star’s endorsement–it’s complicated, kids.

In Mexico City someone steals the rims off the Popemobile. Should be pretty easy to find the guy around town.

Another look at Super Bowl 50 tapes shows that the North Korean satellite passed directly over Cam Newton just as he was deciding what to do about the game-losing fumble.
Turns out Kim Jong Un’s money was on the Broncos.

Kim Jong Un executes another uncle to clear up seating problem at reunion.

One hallelujah and last cowboy headin’ for the last roundup in Oregon.
Huge pile of bean cans left behind in Oregon reveals occupation was one long Blazing Saddles.

Global slide in stocks seen as boon for those of us who didn’t want to retire anyway.
Converted my SEP-IRA to a SUC-IRA.

Scientists at Johns Hopkins create mini-brains that could be ready for the 2020 Republican contest.

Kanye West says Cliff Huxtable could never have done all those things.

Study shows 46% of women are disappointed when they receive flowers for Valentine’s Day, 59% are humiliated getting anything from Victoria’s Secret, and 100% are disappointed to be handed Kohl’s Cash . . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t2einstens

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