Reality Dwarf Stars of 2010 from Nora & Michael Feldman

Posted December 19, 2010 by mefeld
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dwarf star (n.): a small star of low luminosity

Top Ten Dwarf Stars of 2010
Ranked by luminosity, lowest to highest.

10. Keenan Cahill: his viral video lip syncs Katy Perry better than she does.
9. Bethany Frankel: the Oh, Really, Housewife of New York worked it to find mate, conceive and have baby on-air to completely muffle other housewive’s thunder.
8. Vinny Guadagnino: possibly the smartest guy in Staten Island dumbed himself down nearly too far for Jersey Shore but came out the dark horse almost appealing cast member.
7. Olivia Blois Sharpe: from Jerseylicious big hair novice to head big hairdresser–and she sings the theme song.
6. Michaele Salahi: the you-can’t-help-but-dislike old school party crasher left the Housewives of DC in her dust.
5. Buddy Valastro: the can’t-be-this-dumb Cake Boss and pride of Hoboken whose masterpiece was a larger-than-life sized many-tiered cake of his wife she pretended to love.
4. Calvin Tran: From feared/hated by all “Oh here go hell come” boy on Bravo’s The Fashion Show to signature stores in LA, New York and Chicago.
3. Rachel Uchitel: parlayed stint with Tiger Woods for chance to put Celebrity Rehabber Dr. Drew in his place.
2. Kim Zolciak: Atlanta Housewife blossomed post-Big Daddy to become one of the worst singers of all time with da bomb “Tardy for the Party,”
And the number one Dwarf Star for 2010–
1. Antoine Dodson: “Hide your kids, hide your wife” for the rocket ride blasting from the Huntsville projects to the mega hit “Bed Intruder Song” iTunes video.

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2010: 12 months 12 jokes

Posted December 13, 2010 by mefeld
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2010: 12 Months, 12 Jokes

January: Undies bomber had apparently found a way to combine miniature pretzels and 3 ounces of Diet Coke to make an explosive device.
February: Scientists discover Neanderthal teeth in very old glass on nightstand in Poland.
March: Chinese manage to hack Internet without being allowed on it.
April: Hacker on trial says he just guessed Sarah Palin’s password was “ubetcha.”
May: Thank God it wasn’t Yiddish Petroleum–we have enough trouble as it is.
June: South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford returns from another unannounced absence with rose still in his teeth.
July: Israel to allow Seder plates, halvah, and Streisand DVD’s into Gaza.
August: White House says President Obama is a Christian who prays daily, albeit on a little rug.
September: Missing Kennedy-Nixon ballots turn up in Kabul.
October: Kim Jong Il successor L’il Kim.
November: Qantas grounds planes after koala falls off fuselage.
December: President Obama forced to do Blazing Saddles sheriff routine to get away from a hostile crowd of Democrats.
. . . That’s All The 2010 News That Wasn’t . . .

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WikiThis: All the Leaks That Aren’t

Posted November 29, 2010 by mefeld
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WikiThis: Saudis tell US to take out Iran, say the Jews did it.

WikiThis: Saudis sought to trademark burnoose.
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WikiThis: Tea Party front for Lipton’s.
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WikiThis: Tony Blair, W’s handpuppet, now lies limp in trunk in Westminster.
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WikiThis: Lady GaGa on No Ga list.

WikiThis: Elvis ran Middle East Bureau until untimely death, throwing region into chaos.

WikiThis: Putin can see Palin from dacha veranda.

WikiThis: British royal spends much time on throne.

WikiThis: There are men who wear rouge.

WikiThis: Eat Chinese and a half-hour later you’re hungry again.
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WikiThis: Iran’s Ahmadinejad big George Michael fan.

WikiThis: Angela Merkel’s rendition of Danke Schoen laughable.
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WikiThis: Barbara Walters would not be any kind of tree.
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WikiThis: Embassy Suites really CIA operation.
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WikiThis: Sarah Palin believed to be Manchurian Candidate.
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WikiThis: Cuban cigars regularly smuggled in diplomatic pouches.
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WikiThis: Chamber of Commerce deemed terrorist group.
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WikiThis: Israeli documents reveal Jewish state considered going Unitarian.

WikiThis: State department informer notes Hillary gone up a size in pants suit.

WikiThis: Saudi King Abdullah admits family name was Bronstein back in Romania.

WikiThis: Libya’s Khadaffi travels under the name of Quackenbush with a voluptuous Ukranian nurse.

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Dessert Errata: A Prayer of Thanksgiving

Posted November 22, 2010 by mefeld
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Dessert Errata
A PRAYER OF THANKSGIVING

Go resignedly to the folks’ remembering it’s just for a few hours. Though you must make appearances at her side as well as your own, eat with as much relish as you can muster, for this, too, shall pass. Choose carefully your words, gingerly stepping around your cousin Ruth’s latest fiasco with the Arthur Murray instructor, and ask not about Marlene.
Let on not that you have heard the stories before, and utter them not aloud simultaneously nor anticipate the punch lines. Chew with vigor and bite thy tongue, for the bird hath been cooked since Tuesday, yet praise it tenderly for it never heard a compliment in life. Be sage about the dressing though you know not the origin of the little hard things; should you bite into the wedding band, return it with discretion. Though it resemble syrup, pour not the Manischewitz on the sherbet.

Avoid your Uncle Lou; he is vexatious to the spirit. Kick not your little brother under the table, but show the forbearance of the season and pound him later. Picture Naomi and the kids as alien life-forms, and learn from them. Shout not at Gram, for she heareth what she chooseth. Though you take on much wine, sing not The Barber of Seville nor show undue attention to your niece, who has become quite the young lady. If belch thou must, let it not herald the start of a contest. Mince no words over the piece of pie which passeth all understanding.

Above all, say nothing on the ride home, even though the temptation to cite what might have happened but didn’t be great. For that give silent thanks, resolving to firm up those plans for Aruba over Christmas.

Amen.

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Chanukahmas

Posted November 22, 2010 by mefeld
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Christmas can be a trying time of the year for interfaith couples. Unless one of you can force the other to convert, it pays to show a little sensitivity toward the other person’s traditions, no matter how much pagan mumbo jumbo they seem to be. Holiday traditions mean a lot to people, particularly people in retail, so if yours is a mixed marriage (by that I mean two different religions, not a marriage between a man and a woman), here are some tips:
1. Remember, neither the Old nor the New Testament records lightning striking a house just because it had a Christmas tree. But, just in case, ground it. (I would avoid large replicas of beef cattle in gold or fiberglass, though, unless you’re living above a Cal’s Roast Beef.) If a Christmas tree gives you problems, just hang little dreidels on it and think of it as a marketplace of ideas. And since there’s usually a star on top anyway, so it has six points? As to the type of tree, compromise–get a yew. Do try to keep in mind that a Jewish spouse coming home to a wreath on the door is subject to cardiac arrest, and then you’ll need two wreaths on the door.
2. A creche is pretty hard to disguise, even if you call it a lawn ornament. But try it—and put out a couple of deer as well, and maybe a reflecting globe. You might follow the example of some town halls that have avoided legal challenges to their creches by putting a cutout of a Jewish pediatrician in with the baby. (The miracle then becomes the fact that he makes house calls.)
3. Strings of lights around the house are pretty easily explained, since you’re on the approach to the airport anyway. Just tell your spouse it’ll lower your Homeowner’s. Stockings next to the fireplace won’t generally raise the hackles of a Jewish mate unless they’re stuffed with rosaries. Hard candy is always nice. Another tip: Use support hose. His mother did. Don’t push your luck and expect your Jewish spouse to get up on the roof to install a plywood Santa and reindeer, however. Jesus, after all, was the last Jewish carpenter.
4. As for holiday music, why not meet each other half way with Barbra Streisand doing “Little Drummer Boy,” and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir version of “Yentl”? “Chestnuts Roasting On an Open Fire” is also a nice choice because Mel Torme could well have been Jewish. A word to the Jewish spouse: They can’t make you go to the “Sing-Along Messiah,” and since you don’t know the words or the tune, a good case can be made for leaving you at home. If you do go, don’t worry if everybody gets all worked up. If they light torches, worry.
5. Relax about going over to your spouse’s family for your first Christmas. You’ll come back. And you’ll be a metric wrench set and a pair of sorrel boots richer. Remember, to your non-Jewish spouse, “exchanging presents” does not mean returning them to the store. At least not right away. Christmas cards should be in good taste and two-dimensional. They should never say “One of us wishes you a Merry Christmas,” but, rather, something seasonal, such as “Cold enough for you?” If you are celebrating your first Chanukah, don’t buy scented candles or light beer by mistake. (“I said, ‘Festival of Lights,’ not ‘Bud Light.'”) Don’t worry if at first the significance of the holiday escapes you; the miracle of the oil lasting eight days in the temple will soon take on meaning as you try to stretch the few dollars left in your account after celebrating both holidays.

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All the Tweets That Aren’t Trending

Posted November 15, 2010 by mefeld
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mefeld Michael Feldman
President Obama praises voter registration efforts in Sudan; possible Plan B for 2012? #fb
2 minutes ago Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Mitch “Vincent” McConnell cuts off own earmarks. #fb
7 minutes ago Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
The Walking Dead cleans Sarah Palin’s clock in the ratings; Walkers testing presidential waters? #fb
30 minutes ago Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Sarah Palin’s Alaska could be her Death Valley Days. #fb
4 hours ago Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Ought to keep his junk in the trunk. #fb
5 hours ago Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Frankly, I think we’ll see a lot more of a certain type of flier. #fb
5 hours ago Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
I think it should be like the turbans–you get the option of patting your own down. #fb
5 hours ago Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
I don’t mind the full body scan–it’s when they hold up the numbers after. #fb
5 hours ago Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
You can touch my junk if you put me in first class afterwords. #fb
5 hours ago Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
If they keep raising the retirement age, I’m not going to be able to retire until I’m dead. #fb
11 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Deficit committee recommends seniors be put on ice floes at age 69. #fb
11 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
To bring home the effects of smoking, mirrors to be placed on cigarette pacs. #fb
11 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Kathie Lee towed into San Diego. #fb
11 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Ban on caffeinated-alcoholic drinks means we’re back to taking them one at a time. #fb
11 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Coast Guard picks up Kathie Lee “If You Could See Me Now” distress signal from Carnival Cruise ship off Baja.#fb
9 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
President George W Bush claims Kanye West has weapons of mass destruction, yellow cake from Africa. #fb
9 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Guess this means I won’t be getting my toner from Yemen.#fb
9 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
mefeld Charlie Sheen held in missile launch off LA coast. #fb
9 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Coast Guard picks up Kathie Lee “If You Could See Me Now” distress signal from Carnival Cruise ship off Baja.
9 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
President George W Bush claims Kanye West has weapons of mass destruction, yellow cake from Africa.
9 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Guess this means I won’t be getting my toner from Yemen.
9 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Charlie Sheen held in missile launch off LA coast.
9 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
President Obama to India for ashram stay. #fb
5 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Sarah Palin penalized for excessive celbration. #fb
5 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Keith Olbermann counted out. #fb
5 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Speaker-elect proposes burial insurance to replace health care monstrosity. #fb
5 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Tea party freshmen indicate they are not willing to start in the mail room. #fb
5 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
The face of change. #fb http://twitpic.com/33u87h
4 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
In honor of National Sandwich Day, President Obama between House and Senate . . . #fb
3 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Dems take lumps at Tea Party. #fb
3 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Nancy Pelosi has Charlie Sheen morning after. #fb
3 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
In 2 years angry voters will be mad at themselves. #fb
3 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
John Boehner IS Megamind. #fb
3 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
In two years angry voters will be mad at themselves.
3 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Republicans seize House, renounce their health coverage. #fb
3 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Discovery Channel already planning Sarah Palin’s Lower 48. #sb
3 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Republicans vow to repeal San Francisco Giants victory. #fb
3 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Republicans vow to repeal San Francisco Giants victory.
3 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Nancy Pelosi’s red slippers plucked from her feet after House falls on her.#fb
2 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Nancy Pelosi’s red slippers plucked from her feet after House falls on her.
2 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
long ago and Favre away #fb
1 Nov Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Belfast filmmaker discovers Zelig in 1928 Charlie Chaplin film.
29 Oct Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Brett Favre will drag reluctant Brad Childress into the game Sunday on his bad ankle.
29 Oct Favorite Reply Delete
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mefeld Michael Feldman
When i see a guy dressed like juan williams on a plane, i gotta tell ya, i get scared.
28 Oct
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mefeld Michael Feldman
Vicious winds blowing through country expected to stop after election day.
28 Oct Favorite R

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All the News That Isn’t

Posted November 8, 2010 by mefeld
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November 8, 2010

NPR only covers California results.

Tanning bed arrives at Speaker’s office.

First order of business for Mr. Boehner–toss all Nancy’s throw pillows, Indian bedsheets, beaded curtains, Afghan rugs and incense burners. Make room for that Sunquest 5000.

Meanwhile, Sharron Angle and Christine O’Donnell are Thelma and Louise.

Exit polls reveal voters already fed up with new Congress–leaning towards the Flat Earth party in 2012.

Discovery Channel begins filming Sarah Palin’s Lower 48.

President Obama, in change of tone, to deliver State of Union dressed as Paul Revere. 3 lanterns, because they came by land and sea.

John Boehner will be seated behind the President, trying to out-tan him.

Democrats seek protection under the Endangered Species Act. Instead of Yellow Dog we’ll see Snail Darter Democrats.

Returns show 08 first time voters made it their first and last time. Come on, guys, would you stop with the first beer?

Nancy Pelosi will keep her seat in the House, but it will be in the mezzanine.

A rash of new jobs now that the Republicans are in; the downside–they’re all in lawn care. Trickle down theory turns out to be all about sprinklers.

For despondent Democrats some good news:
–The MacRib is back.
–Charlie Sheen found his watch.
–Randy Moss has been wiped off on the Titans.

Republicans vow to repeal San Francisco Giants victory.

They renounced their own health coverage until their wives called and made them take it back.

The Speaker offers burial insurance in lieu of Obamacare.

Will lead the fight against global cooling.

Cut back the Constitution to the original document minus all amendments except the second. So, women won’t be able to vote, but can form militias.

Tea Party freshmen make it clear they’re not willing to start in the mailroom.

First on their shortlist: disband Congress.
Then it’s take the President’s parking space away.

In other news,

President Obama enters ashram in India for extended stay. Executive office work will be performed from a call center in Mumbai.

Jobs were added last month, but not enough to offset those lost in Congress.

Keith Olbermann counted down and out.

High speed trains going nowhere in a hurry. Republicans favor streetcars.

George W says he cares about all black people except Kanye West.

MacGruber dispatched to Yemen.

Quantas grounds planes after koala falls off fuselage, and

Snooki next up to hold massive rally on Capitol Mall . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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Speaker Speaks

Posted November 4, 2010 by mefeld
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Details of Pledge to America Released by Speaker-Elect

The talking points to America—

1. All legislation rolled back to and including the Magna Carta.
2. Burial insurance to replace health care monstrosity.
3. Constitution pruned to original text, unamended, except for 2nd A. which will be pasted into the preamble.
4. Women’s Rights to Stay at Home (can’t vote, but can form a militia).
5. No-Sex marriage.
6. Abortion only in case of Democratic spawn.
7. Taxation of the wealthy made voluntary–more of a contribution, really, so deductible
8. All immigration considered illegal (turn the Statue of Liberty inward).
9. Take up fight against global cooling.
10. Miranda rights limited to wearing bowl of fruit on head, eliminate death tax on habeas corpus.

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Madison: The Election at Home

Posted November 3, 2010 by mefeld
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The Election at Home

Madison, WI

This has to be the first time an entire city has been put on suicide alert. They’ve taken all our belts and ties, although, this being Madison, there are precious few of the latter. It’s not like we haven’t been through it all before—in the aftershock of the Reagan election, cadres of Madisonians holed up at home and sent out for Chinese for weeks. Following the 2000 Bush fiasco, many of us who didn’t have small children stopped going to Florida altogether. In Madison, “War is Not the Answer” signs still dot the natural lawnscape, despite the fact that should the question be “What do you call large scale conflict between armies?” it is. If you can believe the Subaru bumpers, Madison remains a place where a man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle, and whirled peas are possible to visualize.
If there has to be a morning after, why does it have to be like one of Charlie Sheen’s? The red tsunami surged over our shores, and, hey, we’re an isthmus. This is what happened in Atlantis. Although long-suffering by nature, due to nearly always being on the wrong side of an election, Madisonians are finding it hard to grin and bear on this one. The Mad is back in Mad Town. I saw a Prius cut off a Ford 150 sporting a flag decal, to cries of “Oh, Sun Prairie is in America, then?” Cyclists are coming to a full stop at stop signs in what has to be protest. Zombies continue to shuffle between ramp and state office with Freakfest over. Only the agents darting in and out of American Family Insurance City have a spring in their step. You have to pity Madison school kids, feeling what Polish kids must have felt when the Germans strolled through at Slubice to take control of the Polish Duma.
No sainthood without martyrdom, they say, but the sting of losing our patron saint, Russ Feingold, is still too fresh, even after a numbing campaign which stressed that no one would sit next to him in the Senate cafeteria. There could be a lot of reasons for that. Russ was the quintessential liberal, habitually voting against his own principles on principle. He lost to a guy named Ron Johnson, the third most common name in Wisconsin (the first being John Johnson, and the second, Jim Johnson) whose major qualification was that he rhymed with Wisconsin. That and that everybody thinks they might be related to him. Being a United States Senator can’t be that different from running a plastics factory—both involve extrusion.
As for us, well, we got through the Bushes, Gingrich, Rove, the trickle down and the Contract With/On America, and we’ll get through this. If we know anything in Madison, it’s that nothing ever changes that much thanks to the one law that always applies, Newton’s First, Inertia, endemic to a town where the Axis of Necessary Evil is Legislature/University/Insurance. While there is little joy, there is some comfort on the shores of Lake Mendota.

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Dylanomics

Posted October 28, 2010 by mefeld
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Dylanomics

The man in the coon-skin cap
By the big pen
Wants eleven dollar bills
You only got ten.

They asked me for some collateral
And I pulled down my pants.
Something is happening but you don’t know what it is.
Oh the fishes will laugh
As they swim out of the path
And the seagulls they’ll be smiling
And the rocks on the sand
Will proudly stand
The hour that the ship comes in.

Everybody gives something back
For something they get.

Well Mack the Finger said to Louie the King
I got forty red, white and blue shoestrings
And a thousand telephones that don’t ring
Do you know where I can get rid of these things
And Louie the King said let me think for a minute son
And he said yes I think it can be easily done
Just take everything down to Highway 61.

One day the ax just fell.

Well, it’s up in the mornin’ tryin’ to find a job of work.
Stand in one place till your feet begin to hurt.
If you go a lot o’ money you can make yourself merry,
If you only got a nickel, it’s the Staten Island Ferry.
And it’s hard times in the city,
Livin’ down in New York town.
Money doesn’t talk, it swears.
You just want to be on the side that’s winning.

He hands you a nickel
He hands you a dime,
He asks you with a grin,
If you’re having a good time.
Then he fines you
Every time you slam the door.”
You’re gonna have to serve somebody.
Well, you know, lots of people complainin’ that there is no work
I say, “Why you say that for
When nothin’ you got is U.S.–made?”
They don’t make nothin’ here no more
You know, capitalism is above the law
It say, “It don’t count ’less it sells”
When it costs too much to build it at home
You just build it cheaper someplace else.
They’ll stone you when you’re trying to make a buck.
The National Bank at a profit sells road maps to the soul.
When all of your advisers heave their plastic
At your feet to convince you of your pain
Trying to prove that your conclusions should be more drastic
Won’t you come see me, Queen Jane?
All the money you’ve made will never buy back your soul.
Ain’t it hard to stumble, and land in some muddy lagoon?
It’s the property of Jesus.
I’ll be with you when the deal goes down.”
Well, I’m hittin’ it too hard
My stones won’t take
I get up in the mornin’
But it’s too early to wake
First it’s hello, goodbye
Then push and then crash
But we’re all gonna make it
At that million dollar bash.

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