All the News That Isn’t

November 8, 2010

NPR only covers California results.

Tanning bed arrives at Speaker’s office.

First order of business for Mr. Boehner–toss all Nancy’s throw pillows, Indian bedsheets, beaded curtains, Afghan rugs and incense burners. Make room for that Sunquest 5000.

Meanwhile, Sharron Angle and Christine O’Donnell are Thelma and Louise.

Exit polls reveal voters already fed up with new Congress–leaning towards the Flat Earth party in 2012.

Discovery Channel begins filming Sarah Palin’s Lower 48.

President Obama, in change of tone, to deliver State of Union dressed as Paul Revere. 3 lanterns, because they came by land and sea.

John Boehner will be seated behind the President, trying to out-tan him.

Democrats seek protection under the Endangered Species Act. Instead of Yellow Dog we’ll see Snail Darter Democrats.

Returns show 08 first time voters made it their first and last time. Come on, guys, would you stop with the first beer?

Nancy Pelosi will keep her seat in the House, but it will be in the mezzanine.

A rash of new jobs now that the Republicans are in; the downside–they’re all in lawn care. Trickle down theory turns out to be all about sprinklers.

For despondent Democrats some good news:
–The MacRib is back.
–Charlie Sheen found his watch.
–Randy Moss has been wiped off on the Titans.

Republicans vow to repeal San Francisco Giants victory.

They renounced their own health coverage until their wives called and made them take it back.

The Speaker offers burial insurance in lieu of Obamacare.

Will lead the fight against global cooling.

Cut back the Constitution to the original document minus all amendments except the second. So, women won’t be able to vote, but can form militias.

Tea Party freshmen make it clear they’re not willing to start in the mailroom.

First on their shortlist: disband Congress.
Then it’s take the President’s parking space away.

In other news,

President Obama enters ashram in India for extended stay. Executive office work will be performed from a call center in Mumbai.

Jobs were added last month, but not enough to offset those lost in Congress.

Keith Olbermann counted down and out.

High speed trains going nowhere in a hurry. Republicans favor streetcars.

George W says he cares about all black people except Kanye West.

MacGruber dispatched to Yemen.

Quantas grounds planes after koala falls off fuselage, and

Snooki next up to hold massive rally on Capitol Mall . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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