Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ category
Rick Perry’s 1 Toke Over the Line
December 12, 2011All the News That Isn’t for December 12, 2011
December 12, 201112-12-11
Only 347 shopping days til Black Friday.
Rick Perry says kids in school can only celebrate Christmas if they’re openly gay.
Syria’s Assad says only a madman would talk to Barbara Walters. Refuses to say what type of tree he would hang from.
President Obama down to bragging about the Osama hit. Not like he was at the controller.
The drone again. On and on about the drone. Over and over and over. Drone this, drone that. Drone the other.
The good news is that the Iranians actually recovered a Chevy Volt–and they’re designed to burst into flame on impact.
Judging by the pictures, the Iranians got themselves a Roomba robotic vacuum. They can reverse engineer it and finally get a working flying carpet.
Anyway, the drone is completely useless without the XBox.
In other news–
Fox exec waves a list of 171 known communists on Sesame Street.
Suspicions were raised after the Muppets won the Russian elections.
Kermit says “It ain’t easy being Red.”
In his latest flip-flop, Romney says he never was Mormon, really.
Romney says he’s been married to the same women for 42 years.
Iowans liken Newt surge to a boar in the hog pond.
Gingrich says Iowans an invented people.
Trump debate down to him and Newt and a bottle of Wesson.
Mail slowdown means I’ll only get the Shopper Stopper every other day.
Even Jesus didn’t come back as often as Tim Tebow.
Kentucky church will now accept anybody not from Tennessee.
Spare the Rod spoil the Blagojevich.
With 3 governors the Illinois State Pen could use a little help from the other branches of government.
Albert Pujols will serve three 10-year contracts concurrently.
250 million is the most a man named pooh hole has ever earned.
What do they expect to find strip searching elderly ladies? Depends.
Unfortunately, the plane was on the ground when they ejected Alec Baldwin.
What’s surprising about the Facebook security hole is that Mark Zuckerburg has private pictures. Not so surpising is that they’re of him with a chicken.
Putin says Hillary caused the Russian masses to riot–must be her new Lenin-like ‘do.
Study finds more empathy in rats than in US Congress.
If they’re bringing back the Dodge Dart they better bring back the rust proofing package, and
My estate’s in order: Packers stock and 3 magic beans . . .
. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
one toke over the line–brewer & perry
December 9, 2011All the Siri News That Isn’t for December 6 2011
December 6, 2011All the News That Isn’t Siricastsiri news
All the News That Isn’t for December 5
December 5, 2011Spontaneous Herman combustion.
Suspending the campaign will allow Cain to fund other needy women.
Unemployment drops as poor grade-schoolers flock to custodial jobs.
American Airlines now offering Disadvantage Miles.
High levels of arsenic found in Dr. Oz.
LA clears out Occupy camp by letting Dr. Drew mingle.
Ramses leading in Egyptian elections.
The San Diego-Tijuana drug tunnel now running medical marijuana south.
Give and take in San Francisco–no circumcisions but no Happy Meals.
iPhone’s Siri reluctant on the question because she had an abortion–you remember Newton.
Foster kids get all the meds–no fair!!
Gingrich immigration plan will have country swarming with newts.
Hillary presses Burma: enough with the cats, already.
Republicans extend payroll tax cuts to all child custodians.
Chevy Volt rebranded as Chevy George Forman Grill.
After Cain withdrawal stupid people no longer ruin the country.
Michael Jackson doctor Conrad Murray sentenced to own care.
Romney flop-flips.
Google maps can now get you out of IKEA.
It was Kim Kardashian’s nude yoga head-down dog that iced the marriage.
Wi-Fi damages sperm, which explains why there are so few sperm on Facebook.
and Packers stock offered; your certificate plus a dollar gets you a ride on the Ashwaubenon bus . . .
That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
All the News That Isn’t for 11-28-11
November 28, 201111-28-11
Black & Blue Friday followed by Cyber Attack Monday.
Just my luck to shop where the UC-Davis cops do.
Trampled, sprayed and beaten–but a 3 pack of Gerber’s Onesies for three bucks! Makes you want to have kids again.
Thanks-spraying.
The woman who peppered sprayed Walmart got ’em for 3 for a dollar. At that price why not? And they were made in the USA.
A nice Thanksgiving dinner with the overextended family and friends with nowhere to go. Then into the camo and grease to infiltrate the mall.
Some great deals, though–ER room half-off on sutures, 2 for 1 on flesh wounds.
In other news–
President Obama announces a drawdown of Black Friday forces. Will leave advisers at Walmart.
Been tough for the President. You know it’s a rough year when you don’t pardon the turkey. Use the White House tree for kindling.
Egyptians spend Thanksgiving in Tahrir square–maybe not all the trimmings but at least they were all together.
The three American kids who threw firebombs off the roof in Cairo as part of senior year abroad are released into the custody of the UC-Davis police.
The Chancellor at the UC-Davis says she told them to use the salt spray.
The good news is Fox says pepper spray is a food product. And tear gas is great for dry eye.
NASA launches the Mars lander Curiosity to kill any cats on the Red Planet.
Newt comes in first in the Macy’s parade, edging out Snoopy.
Newt’s humane policy on illegals–spay ’em.
Kinect controller for Windows will let you play Call of Duty 3 with your email.
Tests reveal that baby is really Justin Bieber’s brother.
Scientists startled to find earth’s core is bubble gum. The earth is one big Blow-Pop.
Pair of tickets for Romney at “The Book of Mormon” still sitting at will call.
T-Mobile polka-dot dress girl yanked from the tracks seconds before AT&T express roars through. Always hoped she’d get together with the Mac boy.
Packers win Turkey Bowl in Detroit after Ndamukong Suh is ejected for Zombie Apocalypse. He just can’t knock ’em down and not beat ’em up.
Mexico puts up fence to keep Arizonans in.
US goes after medical marijuana just as my corneas are ripening.
George W. Bush Library so far has only The Pet Goat on the shelves.
Here in Wisconsissippi, embryos demand personhood with the Occupy Womb amendment.
Zygotes are assumed to lean Republican, but once they become blastulas their thinking gets a bit more complex. Look for gerrymandered wombs from the Republican majority. . .
and The Wisconsin Badgers give Penn State more reason to look within, 45-7 . . .
That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
All the News That Isn’t for 11-21-11
November 21, 2011Supercommittee comes up with $23 and change from the couch cushions. That leaves 1.2 trillion still unaccounted for.
The Supercommittee was not able to exceed the speed of light despite numerous attempts. The good news–looks like a really big turkey for Thanksgiving.
President Obama caves on Indonesian silly shirts.
Herman Cain gets secret service to protect him from himself.
Cain came under fierce attack after confusing Libya with Latoya.
Godfathers does not want Herman back unless he has his own car and can work weekends.
Cain talks about himself in the third person and Perry in the second. Of three.
Perry was only able to name 2 of the 3 surviving Munchkins.
Romney Massachusetts governor records buried in the Mormon repository in Utah. And there is no Freedom of Information act in the Celestial Kingdom.
White House shooter thinks he is Tim Tebow.
Demi unfollows Ashton, follows Justin.
President Obama to send troops to Australia in light of Tasmanian Devil threat.
Myanmar admits it’s Burma. Because Myanmar Shave does not work.
Nude Egyptian blogger gives Nefertiti bad name.
Benetton withdraws ad of Herman Cain thrusting hand under Pope’s cassock.
Occupants leave savannah for caves, will eventually evolve into street people.
Newt: he’s white he’s right and he’s ready.
Penn State goes to no huddle offense.
Catholics buy Crystal Cathedral, will hang curtains.
Latter Day Saints roll out the “You’re a Mormon No-Tags Back” campaign.
Authorities now believe Natalie Wood was thrown off the boat for singing “I Feel Pretty” once too often.
Chlamydia least popular girls name in 2011.
6 year old playing doctor accused of Medicare fraud.
Mario Brothers sworn in as Italy’s new prime ministers.
And here in Wisconsin, if e-coli can be found on Governor Walker he can be recalled immediately . . .
. . . that’s All The News That Isn’t . . .
Semi-Twang Tuesday @ Ovderture Center, Madison
November 16, 201160 Seconds With Herman Cain
November 15, 2011
All the News That Isn’t for 11-14-11
November 14, 201111-14-11
Berlusconi and Paterno to job swap.
Make-a-Wish Foundation takes Penn State off list.
And with Joe Paterno just 40 years short of retirement.
Coach Paterno does not yet realize he’s been fired–can’t just haul him off the sideline like cord wood.
Sue still stands by the door with his sack lunch every morning.
Nittany Lions get Nittany lawyers.
Pennsylvania changes name to Sylvania.
Nebraska Cornhuskers showered in Lincoln before heading to College Station.
In other news, Perry excommunicated when he remembers the Father and Son can’t recall the Holy Ghost.
Cain, on the other hand, remembers nothing.
After Arab League rebuke, Syria to join Arab Indoor League.
Mars turns back microbe-laden Russian probe.
The Russian Mars probe got as far as Minsk, where if found no signs of life.
I’m sorry, but these are the guys we’re hitching rides to the space station with?
Berlusconi like dead grandpa who keeps coming down to breakfast.
Conrad Murray placed under own medical care.
Lindsay in handcuffs really does it for me.
Bill Clinton’s new book “Profiles in Décolletage.”
Occupy Wall Street looking for a nice little pied a terre nearby.
Fired Oscar producer only said gay people like to rehearse.
Farm ad first for Cain in Iowa because they’ve seen it all on the farm.
Asked how everything’s going committee says super.
Be one big turkey this Thanksgiving.
Cain accuser says not being remembered the worst part.
Herman claimed he had a slice in his pocket.
UN suspects Iran nuclear arsenal has military use.
Israel offers to bomb Iran back to Persia.
Next Republican debate will be a lineup. Usual suspects.
EU loses Italy adds Vatican.
Ohioans rolling back the union-busting law is like the little Belgian boy peeing on the Nazis.
Asteroid nothing like aircraft carrier.
Perry like the ex who won’t move on.
The battery’s better but iPhone 4S users report family issues.
Tiger in comfort zone down under.
Billy Crystal to host 1985 Oscars. Joe Piscopo wasn’t available.
A fifth woman says Cain did Fred Sanford routine endlessly.
After election setback Mississippi embryos form Occupy Womb.
With 20th child the Duggars will have their cords tied to one another.
A little surprising are the three black, two Asian and one Pacific Islander kids.
and the NBA decides to go back to throwing rocks in peach baskets . . .
. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .
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