31 Years of All the News That Wasn’t
1985: Madonna: Like a Virgin. Like, as in ‘as if.’
86: Voyageur 2 chasing Voyageur 1 into infinity.
87: President Reagan says the question is not what he knew and when he knew it, but what’s the question?
88: NAFTA trade agreement passes; we immediately trade Mexico for Canada and two countries to be named later.
89: Ollie North asks Fawn, are those documents in your panty hose or are you happy to see me?
90: A besieged Noriega surrenders when the Howard Stern show blasted at him.
91: In the Gulf, the first war ever fought over an invading army eating zoo animals is over.
92: After agreeing to end the Cold War, President Bush and Boris Yeltsin wander around listless and out-of-sorts.
93: “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” to “You Bet, Don’t Mention It.”
94: Bill, you know anything about this dry cleaning bill?
95: OJ acquitted, Naked Gun 4 given green light.
96: Dolly the sheep cloned because sheep don’t look enough alike.
97: El nino blamed for everything El padre wasn’t.
98: New European currency, the Euro, easily confused with Greek sandwich.
99: Clinton impeachment ends, takes with it Cokie Roberts and Sam Donaldson discussing oral sex.
2000: Israel’s Ariel Sharon panned for performance of “If I Was a Rich Man” on Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem.
2001: 265 lawmakers vote identically to ban human cloning.
02: Axis of Evil turns out to be AC/DC song from George W’s wild youth.
03: In Iraq, mobile poison gas labs turn out to be Saddam’s tricked-out party Winnebago’s.
04: Facebook, a way of liking people you don’t like, launches.
05: After winning his 7th straight Tour de France, Lance Armstrong put out to stud.
06: After accusing Madison, Wisconsin, residents of “communing with the Devil,” Bill O’Reilly inexplicably coughs up feathers and chicken parts.
07: Democrats take control of Congress and convert the House Gallery into daycare.
08: Britney Spears released after spaying.
09: Steve Jobs says it’s not his liver its just a software glitch.
10: While a cost effective way of transporting oil, BP Gulf disaster decried by many.
11: Arab Spring skips Arab Summer, goes right to Arab Fall.
12: On her Diamond Jubilee Queen Elizabeth tells Prince Phillip, “Don’t even think of getting me anything.”
13: At inauguration President Obama says he has a good feeling about second term.
14: Neanderthals and Humans last had sex 40,000 years ago, and I know how they feel.
15: Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker vows to take collective bargaining rights away from Isis.
And, 2016: Donald Trump says “Had to let Melania go. Wasn’t working out like we hoped. Plus, she stole.