5 Things to Look for in 2012

Posted December 26, 2011 by mefeld
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5 Things to Look For in 2012

1. A grant from the Steve Jobs Charitable Trust.
2. Any interest around here in Adele.
3. A reason not to shut down the government.
4. Flash mob Occupies replacing long term commitments with the show stopping “My Life Would Suck Without You” from Glee II on the steps of the NYSE.
5. Mayan ruins reassembling.

5 Things to Look For in 2012

Posted December 26, 2011 by mefeld
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5 Things to Loo from the Steve Jobs Charitable Trust.
2. Any interest around here in Adele.
3. A reason not to shut down the government.
4. Flash mob Occupies replacing long term commitments with the show stopping “My Life Would Suck Without You” from Glee II on the steps of the NYSE.
5. Mayan ruins reassembling.

Michael Feldman

In Defense of Santa

Posted December 22, 2011 by mefeld
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In Defense of Santa Claus

The Christmas parade used to come right down Center Street in Milwaukee—a half block from our house—and one year, I was seven or eight, I crawled under one of the cream puff Pontiacs in the Uptown used car lot (our Christmas lights were the bulbs strung over the car lots endemic to our neighborhood) to sneak a peek at Santy. He wasn’t ours, of course, and when I crawled out from under the front bumper and he seemed to wave at me in passing, I felt like a fraud. It wasn’t a question of whether Santa existed or not, but more like whether I did. I had Santa envy, bad. Mom did take me to Gimbel’s to get my picture taken with him when I was about three (couldn’t find that picture when we cleaned out mom’s things—and it was the one I wanted most!) and one Chanukah we even hung stockings from the mantle, but it was a fake fireplace and nothing came of it. Come to think of it, I don’t know which came first, the revelation that there may have been no Santa Claus or that we were Jewish and it was a moot point. For a while I thought Rabbi Twerski was our Santa Claus, since not only was he a ringer for him, he was all sweetness, light, and generosity. I just never brought it up during my Bar Mitzvah mahfter studies.

In fact, St. Nicholas, with his white beard and black robes, very much resembled a rabbi, although it must be said that he was Bishop of Myra in the fourth century, in what is now Turkey. There, through his beneficence and courageous interventions on behalf of the poor and disenfranchised, he became the most venerated saint of the middle ages; protector of the poor, sailors, charitable and benevolent organizations, merchants, pawnbrokers (?), unmarried women and, above all, children, whose lives he saved and families he fed in his miracles. Nicholas was the benefactor of children in a time when childhood did not even exist, let alone any protections for the young. St. Nicholas gave away his personal fortune to those in need, riding into legend on a white horse, putting little toys or cinders, as appropriate, in children’s boots left outside their doors. St Nick was sometimes accompanied by the needlessly scary ogre Krampus, who apparently was bad cop to his good. Neglected after the Reformation, Nicholas holed up in Holland as Sinterklaas, and even adapted to the changing times, often sailing into Amsterdam harbor at the wheel of a steamboat filled with presents and, of course, more than enough coal left over. Sinterklaas sailed with the Dutch colonists to New Amsterdam, where, like so many immigrants, his name was Americanized not to Jack Nicklaus as you might have expected but to Santa Claus, which stuck. Santa was soon was recognized in the New World, as he had been in the Old, as the personification of benevolence, good will, and giving during Christmas, and at other times as needed.
Times like these! Merry Christmas!

(c) lois clarkson

All the Holiday News That Isn’t

Posted December 19, 2011 by mefeld
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All the Holiday News That Isn’t
12-19-11

That time of year again–hard to believe there’s only 339 shopping days ’til Black Friday.

And in All the Holiday News That Isn’t–

God particle discovered in manger.

Wisemen and hangerson occupy Bethlehem.

Increasing numbers around country celebrating Tim Tebowmas.
It’s a little harder putting the Tim Tebow back in Christmas.

Newt the Grinch makes gradeschoolers pull Santa’s sleigh.

Speaker John Boehner ties Christmas to oil pipeline.

President and Mrs. Obama pointedly celebrate everything but Kwanzaa.

Rick Perry can only name 3 days of Christmas.

Ron Paul celebrates Tax Freedom Day instead of Christmas, which he calls an illegally mandated power grab by the Fed.

Drone successfully places star atop National Christmas Tree then lands in Tehran.

Callista Gingrich sagging under weight of Tiffany ornaments.

Biblical scholars now believe Nativity star was abandoned Russian Mars probe.

Some concern over who’s on other end of Justin Bieber’s miseltoe.

Parole hearing scheduled for Lindsay Lohan after blouse found stuffed with bourbon balls.

Formerly Cat Stevens to star in Yusef Islam’s All-American Muslim Holiday Show, sponsored by Lowes.

The Brewers’ Ryan Braun says it must have been the sprinkles on the Christmas cookies.

The Romneys’ Christmas card shows Santa’s sleigh being pulled by team of salamanders.

In an echumenical gesture, Mormon Tabernacle Choir to perform Yentl.

At Penn State, the Sanduskys decide to skip their holiday hospital visits to sick kids and just send iTunes gift cards.

Canadians still divided between Christmas and Boxing Day, even though there hasn’t been a Canadian boxer worth mentioning since Sam Langford.

LA Clippers have a merry little Chris Paul.

Kim Kardashian sporting huge lump of coal on finger.

And here in Wisconsin, Kris Kringle signs Walker recall petition 5,000 times–and they have to count it! It’s the miracle of Christmas 2011—

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukah, and a Wonderful New Year!

Rick Perry’s 1 Toke Over the Line

Posted December 12, 2011 by mefeld
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rick perry’s 1 toke over the line

All the News That Isn’t for December 12, 2011

Posted December 12, 2011 by mefeld
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12-12-11

Only 347 shopping days til Black Friday.

Rick Perry says kids in school can only celebrate Christmas if they’re openly gay.

Syria’s Assad says only a madman would talk to Barbara Walters. Refuses to say what type of tree he would hang from.

President Obama down to bragging about the Osama hit. Not like he was at the controller.

The drone again. On and on about the drone. Over and over and over. Drone this, drone that. Drone the other.

The good news is that the Iranians actually recovered a Chevy Volt–and they’re designed to burst into flame on impact.

Judging by the pictures, the Iranians got themselves a Roomba robotic vacuum. They can reverse engineer it and finally get a working flying carpet.

Anyway, the drone is completely useless without the XBox.

In other news–

Fox exec waves a list of 171 known communists on Sesame Street.

Suspicions were raised after the Muppets won the Russian elections.

Kermit says “It ain’t easy being Red.”

In his latest flip-flop, Romney says he never was Mormon, really.

Romney says he’s been married to the same women for 42 years.

Iowans liken Newt surge to a boar in the hog pond.

Gingrich says Iowans an invented people.

Trump debate down to him and Newt and a bottle of Wesson.

Mail slowdown means I’ll only get the Shopper Stopper every other day.

Even Jesus didn’t come back as often as Tim Tebow.

Kentucky church will now accept anybody not from Tennessee.

Spare the Rod spoil the Blagojevich.

With 3 governors the Illinois State Pen could use a little help from the other branches of government.

Albert Pujols will serve three 10-year contracts concurrently.

250 million is the most a man named pooh hole has ever earned.

What do they expect to find strip searching elderly ladies? Depends.

Unfortunately, the plane was on the ground when they ejected Alec Baldwin.

What’s surprising about the Facebook security hole is that Mark Zuckerburg has private pictures. Not so surpising is that they’re of him with a chicken.

Putin says Hillary caused the Russian masses to riot–must be her new Lenin-like ‘do.

Study finds more empathy in rats than in US Congress.

If they’re bringing back the Dodge Dart they better bring back the rust proofing package, and

My estate’s in order: Packers stock and 3 magic beans . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

one toke over the line–brewer & perry

Posted December 9, 2011 by mefeld
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brewer & perry

All the Siri News That Isn’t for December 6 2011

Posted December 6, 2011 by mefeld
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All the News That Isn’t Siricastsiri news

All the News That Isn’t for December 5

Posted December 5, 2011 by mefeld
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Spontaneous Herman combustion.

Suspending the campaign will allow Cain to fund other needy women.

Unemployment drops as poor grade-schoolers flock to custodial jobs.

American Airlines now offering Disadvantage Miles.

High levels of arsenic found in Dr. Oz.

LA clears out Occupy camp by letting Dr. Drew mingle.

Ramses leading in Egyptian elections.

The San Diego-Tijuana drug tunnel now running medical marijuana south.

Give and take in San Francisco–no circumcisions but no Happy Meals.

iPhone’s Siri reluctant on the question because she had an abortion–you remember Newton.

Foster kids get all the meds–no fair!!

Gingrich immigration plan will have country swarming with newts.

Hillary presses Burma: enough with the cats, already.

Republicans extend payroll tax cuts to all child custodians.

Chevy Volt rebranded as Chevy George Forman Grill.

After Cain withdrawal stupid people no longer ruin the country.

Michael Jackson doctor Conrad Murray sentenced to own care.

Romney flop-flips.

Google maps can now get you out of IKEA.

It was Kim Kardashian’s nude yoga head-down dog that iced the marriage.
Wi-Fi damages sperm, which explains why there are so few sperm on Facebook.

and Packers stock offered; your certificate plus a dollar gets you a ride on the Ashwaubenon bus . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

All the News That Isn’t for 11-28-11

Posted November 28, 2011 by mefeld
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11-28-11

Black & Blue Friday followed by Cyber Attack Monday.

Just my luck to shop where the UC-Davis cops do.

Trampled, sprayed and beaten–but a 3 pack of Gerber’s Onesies for three bucks! Makes you want to have kids again.

Thanks-spraying.

The woman who peppered sprayed Walmart got ’em for 3 for a dollar. At that price why not? And they were made in the USA.

A nice Thanksgiving dinner with the overextended family and friends with nowhere to go. Then into the camo and grease to infiltrate the mall.

Some great deals, though–ER room half-off on sutures, 2 for 1 on flesh wounds.

In other news–

President Obama announces a drawdown of Black Friday forces. Will leave advisers at Walmart.

Been tough for the President. You know it’s a rough year when you don’t pardon the turkey. Use the White House tree for kindling.

Egyptians spend Thanksgiving in Tahrir square–maybe not all the trimmings but at least they were all together.

The three American kids who threw firebombs off the roof in Cairo as part of senior year abroad are released into the custody of the UC-Davis police.

The Chancellor at the UC-Davis says she told them to use the salt spray.

The good news is Fox says pepper spray is a food product. And tear gas is great for dry eye.

NASA launches the Mars lander Curiosity to kill any cats on the Red Planet.

Newt comes in first in the Macy’s parade, edging out Snoopy.

Newt’s humane policy on illegals–spay ’em.

Kinect controller for Windows will let you play Call of Duty 3 with your email.

Tests reveal that baby is really Justin Bieber’s brother.

Scientists startled to find earth’s core is bubble gum. The earth is one big Blow-Pop.

Pair of tickets for Romney at “The Book of Mormon” still sitting at will call.

T-Mobile polka-dot dress girl yanked from the tracks seconds before AT&T express roars through. Always hoped she’d get together with the Mac boy.

Packers win Turkey Bowl in Detroit after Ndamukong Suh is ejected for Zombie Apocalypse. He just can’t knock ’em down and not beat ’em up.

Mexico puts up fence to keep Arizonans in.

US goes after medical marijuana just as my corneas are ripening.

George W. Bush Library so far has only The Pet Goat on the shelves.

Here in Wisconsissippi, embryos demand personhood with the Occupy Womb amendment.

Zygotes are assumed to lean Republican, but once they become blastulas their thinking gets a bit more complex. Look for gerrymandered wombs from the Republican majority. . .

and The Wisconsin Badgers give Penn State more reason to look within, 45-7 . . .

That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .