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All the News That Isn’t

January 4, 2013

All the News That Isn’t
2013 a bad year for triskaidekaphobes & those trying to spell it. I like to think of it as the Bar Mitzvah year of the Millennium.
Republicans qualify for disaster aid.
Disaster aid vote the first time many congressmen have voted for something good.
Court gives Google carte blanchoogle.
DUI Senator: with a name like Crapo you’re going to drink.
Kim Jong Un to have young Un.
Real Housewives of al Qaeda this week on al Gore Jazeera.
Energy drinks don’t provide the energy it takes to drink them.
Unique Mars meteorite discovered to have imprint of Will Ferrell’s lighter.
If NFL musical chairs continues, Lovie may end up coaching Bears again.
Time Warner to bundle al Jazeera with Mother Angelica.
Forgive me if I’ve been a little short, but I’ve been losing .4 inches a decade according to the New York Times.
Peter Principle now the Boehner Principle.
Tea Party merges width Flat Earth Society.
If Ben Affleck runs, this whole thing could turn around.
Autopen from Waikiki not quite momentous signing for the Fiscal cliff bill I imagined. Do you pass out autopens remotely after signing?
Chris Christie Whack a Moles congress.
Israeli law mandates zaftig models, and
Oxycontin comes out with a Rush-proof tablet.

That’s All the News That Isn’t

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All the News That Isn’t

December 17, 2012

12-17-12

The most unusual thing about the North Korean satellite is it only orbits North Korea.

Now North Dakota’s going to want its own satellite.

This just in, the North Korean satellite has provoked extra-terrestrials to invade our galaxy.

Americans behind President Obama on the fiscal cliff and pushing.

Patriot missiles have been deployed to the fiscal cliff.

Fickle Cliff, at least we’d have a chance.

Poll finds women have more problem with body image than fiscal cliff. The exception being women who tend to put on weight around the fiscal cliff.

Obama to Boehner: call me maybe.

Next in Michigan: right to kick yourself in the butt.

Right to work yourself over.

Right to shirk.

Be real surprised if this labor climate doesn’t bring back Henry Ford.

In other news,

Greece sold for parts.

Pope tweets DANIEL CRAIG BEST BOND YET. In caps–well, he’s a newbie.

Figures that the Pope only follows himself.

Can’t wait till he’s on Craigslist. All that designer stuff.

Some progress as President Obama has fossilized lizard named after him.

Space telescope peers back to when it was just a gleam in Hubble’s eye.

Rice got to be Condoleeza to get anywhere in this country.

President’s short list to head State Department:

Secretary of State Oprah.
Secretary of State Rihanna.
Some movement for Ndamukong Suh.
Larry King’s not doing much. Knows a lot of people.

Groundswell for Secretary of State Bilbo Baggins.

Please, not John Kerry “Deputy Dogging” it around the world.

John Kerry walks into the bar. Horse says, why the long face?

Methane river on Saturn’s moon Titan named Cuyahoga.

President Obama will not go after Colorado and Washington for legalizing pot, but he will go.

Mercedes worth half of BMW–I’ll take two!

McAfee held in maximum security suite for ninety day trial.

In hissy fit, NASA smashes spacecraft into moon.

Snoop Dogg down to 81 blunts a day.

Bounty suspensions against New Orleans dropped since Saints are their own worst enemy.

Upside of Justin Bieber castration threat: would gain an octave.

Only surprise–didn’t come from Selena.

And, the UW Badgers going to the Rose Bowl again! That’s great, but a close second is Minnesota going to the Meineke Muffler Bowl . . .

. . . That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .

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All the News That Isn’t

December 10, 2012

12-10-12

Supreme Court considering same sex marriage—likeliest couple Scalia and Roberts, although Ginsberg and Kagan not out of the question.
Republemmings streaming over fiscal cliff.
Speaker Boehner toes over the edge as members yell “jump!”
Negotiations deadlocked as Republicans propose 47% cut across the board.
Dems counter with offer to eat half the rich, nationalize Koch industries.
Metaphor makers desperately search for Fiscal Cliff alternative–rejected so far: Fiscal Root Canal, Fiscal Canard, Fiscal Molehill, Axis of Fiscal, Iron Fiscal Curtain, Fiscal Fistula and Fiscal Wailing Wall.
Good news is Mayan Apocalypse hits before the Fiscal Cliff.
President Obama holds fast in negotiations with the Mayans.
This is the new Give ‘Em Hell, Barry!
Down to wrangling over who the fiscal cliff will bury when it crumbles.
In other news that isn’t—
Egyptian Spring–for cover.
Big year for Maryland—same sex marriage and the Big 10 in the same year!
Apple denies building 20 Macs in the US just window dressing.
You can smoke pot in Washington but you can’t blow it into Oregon.
They just have to wait for the Chinook winds to bring it over.
I don’t know, you can kill yourself in Oregon but you can’t take a toke first.
Should be OK in Washington, if they just wouldn’t all smoke under the Space Needle.
Personally, I don’t want to be high and a lumberjack.
Or high and the guy who throws the fish at the Seattle market.
Big deal though—like Arizona making Viagra over the counter.
Billion and a half dollars to fly to the moon, so pretty much just the Koch brothers and Sheldon Adelson up there. Just an asteroid flyby for me, tops.
Catch-22 for retirement age—every time you reach it they raise the number of missions.
In the Senate, De Mint has left de pillow.
De Mint will head the Heritage Foundation for Men.
This leaves our own Paulie Ryan the closest thing to a conservative intellectual in Congress.
Binge gene found, researcher checking phone to see where he might have left it.
Happy for the royals, but for once like to hear something about a commoner baby.
So much goodwill over royal baby now the Assads are thinking of having one.
Pope and Lady Gaga flaming one another on twitter.
Former Wisconsin coach Bielema now rooting with Razorbacks while Barry Alvarez frantically goes through his trunk for coaching sweats . . .
That’s All the News That Isn’t . . .